Reckless (Part Sixteen)

"i think you should go away."
"what?" i was confused. we were watching tv with cups of tea and chocolate, so i had no idea what she could be referring to. due to our excessive amounts off caffeine during the day, it was nearly midnight, and we were sitting in our pyjamas and slippers, despite it being warm outside still.
"for college. stand on your own two feet. get out of this town, find some new people to be around. go away."
"oh, i thought you meant i smelled bad. i dont know. i dont want to leave you all on your own amelia. youre the closest person i have. youre the only person i have. abandoning you seems so cruel."
"youll be an hour away. worst case scenario, we both drive towards eachother and its only half an hour. thats not that far kat. you need space to spread your own wings. and ive had a kid for eighteen years. and two kids for four of those years. you obviously dont need to know this, but the last time i had sex was before jack was even born. i need to spread my wings too you know?"
we sat in silence, sipping our drinks, pondering our future.
"you know, i always thought about calling you mom. but i think it would have been weird, more when jack and i were together. because really, you were my mother, more than my biological one ever was. i love her and everything, but i dont like her at all. i dont live with her, i hardly talk to her, i dont know. home is where the heart is. and mine is here."
"you can if you want to. call me mom."
more silence, and the conversation flickered through my head. moving away for a few years seemed like a good idea. i caould always transfer if it was terrible, or missed amelia too much. but something told me-the same something that told me to go shopping- that starting fresh was going to be easier than i thought.


I spent the rest of the summer doing several things.
i called my parents and let them know of my decision to attend college, and they even sounded happy when i told them which one it was. then, in order to show me they were proud, they sorted all of the payments.
i enrolled at the school, and sorted out my dorm room.
i sold art with amelia at the sunday fair and market in town. we would wake up at the crack of dawn, set up a stall, and wait for our customers to come and buy it all. to start off with it was slow. we sold small paintings and lots of jewellery, and a few fruitbowls. despite the getting-up-early-on-a-sunday business, i loved sitting in the boot of amelias car talking to her and drinking a wide variety of hot drinks.
and i went shopping some more. when i got back after my road trip, i went shopping with amelia and soon enough, we were sick of the mall, so we wandered the little side streets and alleyways. we stumbled upon a little boutique, selling a wide variety of cardigans and t-shirts, and jeans and skirts for petite girls like me. the prices werent too bad, but after a few visits we were slowly getting a bigger discount. the girl behind the counter reminded me of myself, so i smiled shyly at her every chance i could. one nice customer was sure to make her day a little more pleasant.

all in all, amelia was my best friend now. my best friend, my mother, my dead boyfriends cool mom, and my friend.

much to my disdain, will started turning up more frequently. he claimed to be fighting with his parents, and i knew where he was coming from, but it was so frustrating for him to just turn up. the way he looked at me made my blood boil. quite often i would storm out of the room to keep from hitting him or saying something scathingly bitter. then he would start turning up when he knew amelia would be at work, and ask if i wanted to go for a walk or something. it was harder not to be mean then, when i knew amelia wouldnt tell me off fo rbeing rude.
one particular tuesday i was sitting in jacks room, wearing one of his hoodies and reading his journal. it had just past lunchtime, so i was considering getting some food. my music was blaring, as loud as i could take it.

...and i know youre terrified, but i really want you to skate. imagine how much fun itll be, in the summer, skating together down to the supermarket for icecream? i bet blue will side with me too. she always wanted you to skate as well. i think shes a little bit jealous because youre so little. it would just be a such a big something for you kat, i really think-

my door burst open and i jumped, scared out of my wits.
"what are you doing here?!" i dropped the journal and stood on the bed, absolutely livid.
"ive been knocking, i can understand why you didnt hear me-" and he walked over and turned down my music "- so i thought i would come in anyway. i didnt think you would mind that much."
i glowered at him. "what if i had been getting changed? do have this much respect for everyone else or do you reserve this type of arrogance just for me?"
"arrogance?" he seemed offended and surprised.
"you walk in here like you live here, then assume i want to see you at all, let alone unannounced."
"im sorry kat."
"just go downstairs ill be there in a minute."
he left quietly. my hands were shaking. i wasnt sure why i was so mad. i just wanted him away from me. i took jacks hoodie off and went downstairs to the kitchen. still angry, i grabbed an apple and a knife and began cutting chunks from the apple. i wasnt sure if it was past experience or just fury, but i was seeing red as the blade sunk into the apple again and again. i ate each piece of apple slice off the knife, and glared at will, daring him to speak.
"i really am sorry kat. will you forgive me?"
i rolled my eyes. "only because youll tell amelia and ill get the blame. what did you want anyway?"
he fidgeted. "i was bored, i figured you might be too. middle of summer holidays and such. but you were busy, im sorry."
"some of us have lives."
"sitting in your bedroom reading?"
"yes."
"why were you wearing a hoodie? its roasting outside. were you wearing that cardigan underneath?"
"why does it matter?"
"i just thought you might be hot thats all."
"well i wasnt. its none of your business anyway. dont you have friends?"
"youre my friend." his voice was soft and he was talking to his hands.
"i would hardly say that."
"really?"
"why, you think i enjoy you sneaking up on me, turning up here, staring at me instead of talking to amelia? its uncomfortable actually."
"im sorry, i didnt realise it annoyed you so much. ill stop."
"stop what?" i asked.
"turning up here. all of it."
"then i would definitely get the blame. just stop staring at me. its like youre trying to decipher something written on my skin." i pulled nervously at my sleeves as i said this.
"what would you like? shall i ignore you everytime im here? would you like me to talk only to amelia, to not say hello to you when youre not in the room? turn up when youre not here?"
his voice was not angry, but that quiet, tortured voice that somehow made me even madder.
"just stop staring at me, thats all. and dont come in jacks room again."
"thats your room kat. but i wont."
"you should go now." and i turned and walked upstairs before he could say another infuriating word.

in jacks room i sat in the corner of his bed, with his hoodie on again. i huddled right into the corner of the bed, the corner of the room, and tucked my knees up right under my chin and closed my eyes. i flickered through all the memories we had of eachother, i imiagined i was there, i could smell him on me, hugging me, holding me until i forgot what i was upset about. i fet the feeling of his arms around me, his low voice in my ear muttering everything but nothing at the same time and feeling my body sag against his as i relaxed, calmer than before the hug. slowly, i opened my eyes. the calm remained, but i was still hit my the blow of him not being here. like the gift that keeps on giving, but its a curse. the curse that just keeps cursing. he was gone. my boyfriend, my best friend. he was my whole life and now all i have is memories and his things. his smell was fading slowly. i only wore his clothes while i was reading, and hen i would take them off and put them carefully away so i wouldnt taint the smell of him.
i had no idea what to do when i was at college, or when i couldnt remember all the tiny details of his face and the memories we created.
i heard the front door close quietly and i knew i had confused will, but at that moment he was just making everything harder, and i just wanted to hit him. i would be so happy when i could go to college and finally be rid of him without disappointing amelia. unfortunately, escaping him meant leaving amelia, but jack had convinced me already that that was the best thing to do.

...and the time is going to come when you cant be with amelia anymore. whether you move back with your parents, go to college, she cant support you anymore, whatever, you cant always be by her side. i want you two to stick together, but you have to stand on your own feet kat. just pretend im right there next to you. promise me you will try kat? you know how badly i want to be there with you...

of course i knew. we fought less when we were a couple than when we were friends. i was going to college in just a few short weeks. i had made a mental list of what things of jacks i wanted to bring. mostly his hoodies, but i wanted his skateboard and as many pictures as possible. and of course the journal.
the worst fear i had was that i would end up with a horrible room mate. and there was nothing i could do about it. i knew no one- though that could be construed as a good thing- and i had no idea how to make friends.

i had started going for more walks. whenever the weather was fine, i would put on a pair of shorts, shoes and a long sleeved shirt and walk until i couldnt walk any more. it felt good, like a non violent way of shaking off stress. my main cause of stress these days was college and will. he seemed to turn up whenever i was waltzing around the house in shorts and a t-shirt, so i had to race upstairs and put something on. it was too hot to be wearing long sleeves all the time, but i preferred that to showing will my arms. each scar was a memory of jack. i wasnt going to show that to any old stranger.
although now he was joining us for dinner most nights, and he came over all weekend and stole my kat-amelia time. but whenever i tried to express my annoyance, he would threaten to tell amelia that i didnt like him. it was rather childish, but i wanted my amelia back, he was stealing her from me. and soon i wouldnt be able to just hang out with her.

i tried telling her one night.
will had just left, and we were tidying the kitchen.
"do you feel like will is here too much sometimes?"
"why would i think that?" her tone was light and airy.
"we never have girl time anymore."
"we are right now! what are you getting at love?"
"nothing." she was never going to see will for what he really was.
not that i knew, but he was still sneaking glances at me when he thought i wasnt looking. as if it werent embarassing enough, he would always look away innocently just to make me seem paranoid. it wasnt until a few nights before i left for college that i realised why.

the sun was just going down- the perfect time to go for a walk. i hadnt been in a few days and my legs needed to be stretched. i picked a different route this time, not that it could be much different, but i paid little attention. i had my music on, pacing to the beat of it when something seemed off. i paused the music and heard the footsteps behind me. still walking, i looked quickly behind me.
"will! what are you doing? you scared me half to death!"
he kept walking, right up to me. "why are you walking out this late?"
"because no one else is. or at least i thought so. its cooler at night. why are you following me?"
"i was on the way over actually." he was so close to me. and staring.
"why do you stare at me?" my voice was meant to come out fierce and threatening, but it came out as a squeak.
"sorry," he said, looking away, which was hard because his face was so close to mine.
"dont just apologise, tell me why!" there. my angry voice had come back again.
"you dont get it?"
"get what?" i was just getting frustrated now, i hated not knowing the obvious things.
he stepped forward, our bodies were an inch apart. his hand rested on the side of my next and i looked up at him. i had seen those eyes before in movies, and i had to run before-
"no! what are you doing?!" i stepped back from him as he stood still, trying to think of an excuse for what he had just done.
"why do you think i come over? to see amelia? yes. but i want to see you more. i kept wanting to say something, but then you would call me jack, or mention him, or get this heartbreaking look on your face and i knew i shouldnt. i dont know why i did it now. i guess since we are both going away to college i thought..." he drifted off into an awkward silence. i shook my head.
"youre crazy. ive never called you jack. just stay away from me." and i stalked off home, my neck burning where he had touched me. no. just no.

i was still shakingly angry when i walked through the door but i had to remember not to bite amelias head off. i grabbed a bottle of water and paced around the house, drinking and silently fuming. amelia sat patiently waiting. both jack and i did this all the time, she knew to sit and wait for us to talk, to find the right words or to calm down enough to get the words out.
"will. will, just tried to kiss me. did you know that? did you know he likes me more than he likes you? that he was coming around here to see me and not you? that hes so infuriatingly like jack that i want to throw boulders at his head? hes not jack. hes not my jack. he cant come here and assume he can take his place. jacks in a grave two minutes and he thinks he can just take me? no. theres no way. im sorry amelia, i know you like him, but he can not come back here again. no way. the presumptuous little bastard!" and i flung myself into the one-seater.
"you really didnt realise kat? you didnt see the way he looked at you?"
"yes, but i thought he was judging me. i didnt think he would like someone like me. he knows what happened with jack, you told him the first night he came here voluntarily. and he still arrives here all the damn time, thinking he can make me warm up to him. huh."
"he doesnt have to come here again kat. ill let him know tomorrow, ok?"
"im sorry amelia. i know you like him. i know hes a good kid, just not for anywhere around me."

we ate quietly that night. i knew i had upset amelia, but she must have figured i was really upset because she didnt say anything to me.
will didnt come over again. i packed all my things up. we loaded it all into amelias car, and i drove behind her, all the way to the dorms. she helped me set my room up, i pushed my bed into the corner and put a few pictures up of me and jack, my favourite ones. i folded all my clothes away, set up my desk and chair, all the little things, and amelia ran down to the car and back up again before i could start saying goodbye.
"i want you to have this. a part of me and a part of jack and a part of you." it was the portrait of jack she had sent with me on my road trip.
"thank you amelia. i love you."
we walked down to her car again to say our proper goodbyes. the sun was glaringly bright and i could hardly see. we walked across the lawn when i hit something hard.
"im so sorry! let me help you up there- kat? what are you doing here?"
i grabbed the hand he extended, blinked a few times before realising who stood in front of me.
oh you have got to be kidding me.
"will. what are you doing here?" i shook my hand out of his grasp.
"college. i didnt know you were attending too. im sorry for bowling you over there."
i spun around and made for the car without saying sorry or thank you or any of what i really wanted to scream at him- that would have had me kicked off campus for sure.
amelia and i said our goodbyes, each shedding more than a few tears, and then i was left on my own for the first time since jack had stepped into my life.

Reckless (Part Fifteen)

AMELIA


the dinner went pretty smoothly. in retrospect, somethings could have gone better, but everyone enjoyed themselves in some way or another.
the prep was all done, i had even arranged all the raw materials in clear glass bowls like they do on the cooking channel i so loved to watch. at ten to seven, joanne and maria turned up- maria was driving, so i swiftly delievered a white wine to joanne and a lemonade to maria, and they took their seats at the counter where we would be eating. i felt so grown up. i had a plate of chips and crackers with some hummus in the middle for them to snack on while i cooked. i sipped my own glass of wine and the doorbell rang again, this time presenting me dawn and sally. the had brought with them a bottle of sparkling grape juice, and took their seats also.
at quarter past seven, claire and her son turned up.
i gasped. i hadnt expected him to look anything like jack. but there he stood, brown hair, brown eyes, tall, gangly, and even dressed the same. luckily, while i gawked at this jack-clone, claire was jabbering away about being late. i ushered them inside.
"...and of course Will decides he doesnt want to come. damn near had a tantrum as i threatened to drag him here by his ear. he can sit somewhere else while we catch up cant he?" she almost pleaded with me. i felt sorry for him instantly. i poured claire a wine and got will a glass of coke and settled him in the living room.
"Will is it? short for anything?"
he seemed shocked i was talking to him as we meandered down the hall. "william, like my dads middle name. im sorry to ruin your night. mum doesnt trust me much."
"how old are you will?"
"me? eighteen."
"i had a son your age. died not long ago, and you look so much like him."
"oh im so sorry! i didnt know."
"of course you didnt. but i noticed your mother is a bit hard on you. if you ever need to talk to anyone, or a place to stay, well, you know where i am. now, heres the remote for the tv, and this one is for the satellite. ill bring you your food when its ready. i take it youll eat a bucketload?"
he grinned. "thanks amelia. for everything."

the rest of the evening went smoothly. i joined the gossip in the kitchen as i cooked- multitasking! i should have taken a picture to prove it to kat!- and took most of it through to will. everyone ate all of it and i glowed with pride. we had dessert and then coffee too, and it was nearly midnight before everyone left. on his way out the door i gave will a piece of paper with my number and address on it and bid them all a safe trip home.
once the door was closed and locked, i looked at the kitchen in dismay. i may have been multi tasking, but that had lead to a huge mess being created. i shrugged and decided to leave it til morning. i had done well and needed a sleep. the wine wasnt helping, i was feeling a tiny bit tipsy and smiled to myself as i knew it would help me drift off to sleep that much better.

i slept in the next morning, and was woken by the sun in my window. i got up slowly, showering and dressing before plodding downstairs to deal with the disaster kitchen.
it wasnt that bad, but it took me a good half hour to get it back to its original state. while i was washing, i remembered fondly the time kat and jack had tried making me a birthday dinner and had ended in a foof fight. that had taken hours to clean, with pasta sticking to every surface and the cream sauce coating every surface. i smiled at the memory, and stored it away for future reference.

i spent the rest of the day sorting through the garage and finding some paintings i might like to offer for selling. i brought them up into the house, and took some others back down in their place. they were stacked neatly accodring to size, and by the end of the day i was tired again. i dressed in sweats and curled up on the sofa, watching a trashy movie and doodling absentmindedly until i headed upstairs for bed.

the next day i continued with my sorting and found a huge stash of old jewellery i had made and put it in piles by what it was and what would sell. i kept a few pieces for me too.
when the knock on the door came, i jumped. i wasnt expecting anyone, and i hoped it wasnt kats parents. i wasnt sure how they would react when i told them i had let her go on a road trip without their consent and without me. so i was nervous when i opened the door, and completely shocked to see will standing there.
"hey amelia, im real sorry, do you mind if i stay here for a little bit? my parents are throwing a fit and i cant hack it there right now. you can tell me to leave if you-"
"nonsense. come in. do you want anything to eat or drink? i have some lasagne i can heat up if you want?"
"no, im ok for now, thanks though." he stood in the middle of the room, looking lost and confused. i felt so bad for him, i crossed the room and hugged him- quickly, but gently. he looked even more confused after that, but softened, probably at the though of my dead son. i told him to take a seat at the counter and busied myself with making coffee while i waited for him to talk. i had had enough experience with troubled teenagers to know that generally its best not to pry and wait for them to open up to you. i fished some chocolate biscuits from the pantry and laid it on a platter- coffee, milk, sugar and cookies. i was becoming quite the martha stewart i thought to myself. i settled myself next to him and filled a cup with coffee and milk and sugar and began the dunking process.
"my mother would tell me not to play with my food if i were doing that."
i smiled. "im not the average mother. lions get to chase their food before they eat it, why cant i?"
he relaxed at that. "they dont understand that its not me. my friends arent really the best group, and they make me do stupid stuff, stay out late, smoke, tease the other kids. i hate doing it, but i hate the idea of not having friends as well. dad just get angry. i hate being there all the time."
i could tell this was a huge weight off his shoulders. he had no one he could talk to about this. he poured himself a coffee and grabbed a handful of biscuits. i picked up my cup. "come sit in the lounge. i can bore you with pictures of jack and kat growing up."
we sat in the living room, and i told him all about jack and his father, and how jack had met kat.
"wow," he said when he saw kat. "shes really pretty. is she.... with jack?"
i knew what he meant by that. "no, she lives. shes gone on a road trip actually, a huge step for her. especially without jack. i wonder how shes getting on..."
we flicked through the pages of the photo album, telling him all the details about their life.

i heard a car outside, but figured it was the neighbours. it wasnt until the front door opened that i realised it was someone else. two seconds later, kat walked in and i gasped.
she looked so different. her hair was shorter, but not by much- if it wasnt so smooth i wouldnt have noticed. she was wearing makeup, and completely different clothes. she looked like a different person, but still very kat. her light blue eyes shone next to her light blue tank top. then her eyes fell on will, still looking at the photos, but glanced up at kat when i gasped.
"kat! youre home early!" and i jumped up and hugged her. i hadnt realised how much i had missed her until she stood before me. i held her back at arms length to look at her. "youve changed! you look so beautiful oh my god!"
"youre shocked. is it too weird?"
i could tell she was nervous, possibly because of the jack look-alike sitting here with me.
"not weird at all. where are my manners? kat, this is will, hes a friend of a friend. will, this is kat."
"you say that like he knows who i am," kate said, her eyes on her shoes. her voice was quiet and i knew she wanted to get out of this situation as soon as she could.
"amelia was just showing me some photos and i recognized you when you walked in." he walked around and stood by us, and shook kats hand with a sobre look on his face. "shall i leave you two alone for a minute? you must have gossip to catch up on. another coffee anyone?"
god, he was such a gentleman.
"two more please will, thankyou." i turned to kat once he had left and ushered her to the couch.
"amelia! who is he? if youre trying to find me a replacement jack, well you should know me a bit better by-"
"shush, no hes a girl from works son, and he gets into a bit of trouble, more misunderstandings really. he wanted to talk to someone and he turned up here. its just a coincidence he looks like jack. please dont run away?"
"ill stay and talk. nothing embarrassing please."
"yay! now, tell me about your very sucessful i see, shopping trip?"
"later, here he comes."
and will walked in, and his eyes automatically sought out kat and smiled at her like i was invisible. uh oh.



KAT

as it turned out, will was lovely. he was polite enough to know when i wanted to talk to amelia and made us coffees while she debriefed me. i did enjoy seeing their jaws drop when i walked in though, that was fun.
for about an hour we sat on the couch going through the phot albums amelia had, drinking too much coffee and remembering old stores will wasnt there for.
"i really must get going amelia, thank you so much. for everything."
"thats really not a problem will, youre welcome any time."
i blushed for no reason.
"goodbye, kat, it was really good to meet you." the way he looked at my face made me turn redder and i glared at my shoes again. he was rather old fashioned.

amelia and i sat in the kitchen later, waiting for our pre-packaged meals to cook in the microwave.
"will couldnt stop looking at you."
"what? he probably thought i just looked weird or different from all those humiliating pictures you showed him."
"and the reason he was sitting so close on the couch to you?"
"because you were taking up so much room? i dont know, but im not even slightly interested and i dont care. he is a nice person, but he is your friend not mine."
"ok. anyway, tell me all about this trip of yours. why the make over?"
"well, i was driving and driving- i got really good at it you know- and i decided to visit the colleges i had been accepted into. and i narrowed it down to two."
"which two?"
when i told her the universities, her eyes brimmed up with pride. "oh kat, im so proud of you. i honestly didnt think you would do anything ever again because of... because of jack being gone."
well, i hadnt either. but after so many journal entries of him being in love with me and in love with the fact i was alive, i couldnt deny him that. he fought so hard to keep me here, so hard to make me happy, and was, until he died. but i wanted jack to see me. i wanted to prove to him i could be happy, and even though i couldnt do it while he was alive, i was still going to do it for him.

Reckless (Part Fourteen)

AMELIA


the day you wake up after something traumatic happens is never a good one.
it is usually a good thing that it happens, but what makes it happen is usually highly embarrassing and painful.
needless to say, when kats parents turned up, i wanted to close the door on them. they hadnt heard from kat in a while and apparently our phone had been disconnected due to me not opening our mail- and therefore not paying any of the bills.
as they stood on my front porch, their faces were a mixture of pity, disgust and anxiety. they tried looking past me into the house to find out where the dreadful smell was coming from, but i closed it behind me and stood on the porch with them. it was the first time i had been outside in days. work had told me to take a couple of weeks off. i had forgotten why i needed a job anyway.
"Amelia. how are you?"
i wasnt even aware who was talking, my eyes were staring at their faces without seeing them.
"fabulous! lets go out shall we?" my voice sounded strange. it was high pitched and croaky, as though i was a boy going through puberty.
the exchanged worried looks.
"amelia, dear, youre in your pajamas."
she said it very softly, touching my forearm in deep concern. huh. so i was.
"may we come in, dear? we have some things we want to talk about."
i didnt move. my face stayed blank and i said nothing.
they gently pushed past me, taking me into the house withe them. i could see the disgust on their faces.
they sat us down on the sofa in the living room, trying not to sit on anything dirty.
"i know this is hard for you amelia, really i do."
lie. your son hasnt died.
"but we think you need a bit of help around here. someone to help you get on your feet again."
"we can easily send someone over to just tidy up, sort your mail and your bills, get some groceries for you, even cook you some meals," said kats dad.
i nodded silently. so long as they didnt suggest-
"and a counsellor, like kat had. they can help you cope, theyve done this sort of thing before."
so have i. im doing just fine.
it was silent for a few minutes before they spoke again- for they seemed to be speaking as a unit- i couldnt distinguish who was whom.
"how is kat?" i looked at her mother. her voice was low and urgent, probably the only time she had ever felt concerned about her daughter.
"shes fine. sad, but she will be ok. she wants to live here still, if thats alright with you?"
"we just worry, about how youre both coping. if its easier for her to not be here, please dont hesitate to let us know. i can see how difficult it must be for you."
i nodded again. i just wanted them gone.
"right. well. we will send someone over tomorrow, just leave everything to us, payment included."
"good luck amelia, let us know if you need anything."
and then they left. they left me there, standing by the front windows watching them leave in their flashy car, their perfect life, and left me and kat here. i sunk to the floor and disappeared into my own torment. it wasnt until kat curled up behind me that i felt even slightly comforted by the tears that drenched my face and the carpet i lay on.


KAT


i heard my parents.
i saw their car from an upstairs window.
i felt amelias tension and fear.
and i sat very still, half way up the stairs, too afraid to go near them. the questions and the primping would be too much. so i waited until they left and lay down with amelia, trying to take her pain from her.

the following morning, three people knocked on the door. they came, they cleaned, they conquered.
two people cleaned the house. thoroughly. vacuumed and polished and waxed. with the exception of mine and amelias rooms. they simply took rubbish and any dishes and left it at that.
the other one set to work in the kitchen. he cooked for hours, filling the house with smells i had long since forgotten. lasagne, pasta, stews and casseroles, desserts, side dishes, snacks, all prepared, labelled, divided into single portions and either refrigerated or frozen. before they left, they had sat and opened the mail, discarding junk and finding the most overdue bills to pay. they called the service companies with amelias consent and paid with her credit card. everything was so ordered and ready. there was a list on the fridge of bill dates and trash days and a calendar marking all these dates. i couldnt believe it. for once in my life, i wanted to throw my arms around my parents and thank them for everything. they were helping, once again, in the only way they knew how.
the cleaners talked everything through with amelia, bills and things, walked through the house for one final check, took everything with them, and left. i didnt know what to do. sitting in this clean house made me want to do something. so i got up and took a shower. not one like the ones i had been taking, where i would sit down and cry and smell jacks products, but one where i took my loofah and scrubbed away at my skin, washed my hair and even shaved my legs. i put clean clothes on, and tied my hair back.
amelia had left the lounge by the time i arrived back downstairs, but i heard clunking in her room. i scribbled a note from her and left.

i had been walking for two hours, not thinking, not going anywhere in specific, just walking and walking. which was weird because i dont do exercise. ever. by the time i got home again, amelia had three piles of clothes on the living room floor.
she was wearing a pair of deep blue jeans and a pale blue shirt with only a little bit of paint on it. she looked so nice, her auburn hair tied back, several rogue strands in her face. her cheeks were pink from the effort of getting it all downstairs.
"kat!" she cried when i walked in. "where have you been?!"
"i left a note, i just went for a walk. what are you doing?"
she grinned at me, a little manically. "spring cleaning."
"spring was months ago." it was scary. amelia was dressed to the nines by her standards, and cleaning voluntarily. "amelia, whats going on?"
she abandoned her piles and came and stood in front of me. "i dont even know. i want to make a change, and now seems like a good time to do it. ive frozen my life since jack was born-" we both jumped at the use of his name "-and now i want to go again. i dont want to try and forget him, but i want a bigger future. will you help me?"
i sighed. amelia had given her whole life to jack and i. i couldnt blame her for wanting to focus on herself for a bit. "of course i will."
"im selling some of my paintings. will you mind?"
wow. amelia hadnt sold anything. she hadnt wanted to. not that it wouldnt sell, but she kept all her projects in the house to inspire us. me.
"of course not. not all of them though?"
she sighed. her face was a lot smoother now, like she had calmed down a lot. "no. im getting a guy from my old high school to come in. he valuates art and gives advice. he lives a while away, but hopefully he can get me on my feet. i also want to go to the markets and see what sort of art is there too, see if i cant make a little extra money from my smaller pieces- jewellery and pottery."
"honestly amelia, i think its a great idea. you might also get some more room in this house. youre not leaving your job though?"
"god no. my parents were right. steady income. but extra cash wouldnt go too far amiss would it?"
i laughed. it sounded weird, it even felt weird in my throat as it gurgled its way out.
"ill help in anyway you want me to. ive got all summer."
"thats reminds me." she put her arm on my shoulder and walked with me to the couch. we sat down, and i knew what was coming. "what are you doing kat? i know you were going to go to college, but is that what you want still? do you think you can do it?"
truth is i hadnt really thought about it. i knew my parents were willing to pay for every little fee for college, even willing to pay to get me into a good one. i still hadnt decided. i had gotten into a few of the ones i had applied to.
"i dont know. ive sort of been thinking about the money i have. and travelling."
"wow. thats a big step for you kat." by that she meant doing something without jack. no doubt she thought i wouldnt go to college without him. i didnt blame her- i had never done anything without jack there making me do it.

truth was, i hadnt actually considered the road trip until i saw jacks car in the driveway. it was a wreck, barely road worthy, but it ran on not a lot of gas, and amelia had her own, so it was mine. on my way home that day i had seen it, bright green and filthy, sitting in the drive, and the memories of me and jack sitting our test flooded back to me.


we were 15, and jack was so eager to drive it was unbearable. i tested him on all the questions, day and night, and through testing him, it turns out i knew them all too. when he went to get his licence, i went too of course, and decided i might as well have it. amelia agreed to teach us how to drive, a process that had taken longer for me than it had for jack. but we were both able to drive, though i never really enjoyed it as much as jack.

not that i knew where i would drive to, i just knew i wanted to go somewhere before the summer ended. it had only begun a short while ago, but the next two months stretched on ahead of me like eternity.


the rest of the afternoon, amelia and i played dress up with all her clothes, and ended up throwing a large pile away, sending them to goodwill where they could be used again, and folded all her wintry clothes away. she wouldnt need them for a good five months at least. all her summer clothes got sent upstairs again, leaving a lot more room in her bedroom.
we ate dinner (precooked fettucine) quietly that night, sitting at the kitchen counter with the tv on in the background. it seemed like we were finally out of our slump.

over the next week or so, amelia and i set to work on me getting ready for my road trip. we marked out places on the map where i would drive, stop along the way and fill up the tank. we bought things i might need- a tents and sleeping bag, a gas cooker, a first aid kit and a new cellphone. i drove everywhere, just to get used to it. i practised filling the tank. and i checked my bank balance. it was now up to seven thousand. i didnt even want to question how that had happened.

before i left, amelia stopped me. i knew she was holding back tears because her eyes were wide and trying not to blink.
"i want you to take someone with you. he would be so proud." and she handed me a painting of jack. it was only a small canvas, and just his head and shoulders, but he was wearing the grin i always saw him with and my heart broke again.
i nodded. i couldnt speak now as i was holding back tears too.
i reversed out of the driveway, and drove off down the road, watching amelia in my rearview mirror until i couldnt see her anymore.



AMELIA

kat was gone.
jack was gone.
max was gone.
i was alone in my house for a period of time longer than when kat and jack were coming home. it was as though i was a mother hen and all my little chickens had flown the coop.
of course it had to happen at some point. jack was always going to die, and ka wasnt always going to stay here. so i decided to make the most of it.
i didnt really have friends, except for the ladies at work. we all gossiped at work, but never saw each other outside of there. i decided, since kat was going to be away for a few days, that i would invite them all over for dinner. since the house was clean already.
i prowled through the kitchen looking for the cookbook my mother had gifted me when i settled into this house. it was fairly basic- aimed at teenagers who had moved out of home- but had some decent things in there. i figured i would need to practice before i served it to anyone. i found it, and looked carefully for a dish that was simple to make but very impressive.
i decided on a stirfry, because that couldnt possibly go wrong. i hoped.
i called five of the girls i worked with and four of them could make it. i was pleased, and very nervous.

i had never worried about cleaning in my life, but now i wanted my home to look nice for my friends. i wanted a casual dinner, but that didnt mean i didnt run around the house cleaning frantically for the next day or two. the downstairs bathroom gleamed, the lounge and the kitchen looked warm and inviting. my stirfry was coming along nicely. honey soy sauce and chicken with big fat noodles. i tried it and figured it tasted pretty good, so i portioned it and froze it for kat and i to eat another day. i bought several bottles of wine from the store, some red and some white, and some other drinks for those who didnt want wine. i even bought chocolate brownie slice for dessert, as the recipe book said if you warmed it up and served it with icecream and chocolate sauce, it looked posh without making any effort. i decided this was my best bet.
when saturday rolled around, i was a mess. i had everything i needed, but i had no idea what to wear. i called kat as soon as i figured she would be awake.
"kat?"
"hey amelia, im fine. sorry i havent called, i hope you werent worrying, i-"
"no time for that, what am i going to wear?"
"calm down. what are you going to wear for what? oh my god amelia you havent got a date have you?"
"me? ha. no, im having some of the girls from work over for dinner, and i have no clothes. what should i wear?"
"awwww youre so cute. ok, how formal is it?"
"casual."
"wait, youre cooking for these people?"
"yes."
"do they know your track record? have you warned them of the risks? how come you never cook for me?"
i laughed. "figured i would branch out. im making them stirfry. theres extra in the freezer. you can try it when you come home. clothes, kat, i need clothes."
"hmmmmm." and then she was muttering to herself. "what green do you have?"
i thought about it. "nothing really, unless you count paint splatters. why?"
"green goes nice with red hair. try that?"
ok. shopping. "thanks kat. have fun, be safe, love you."
"you too. dont poison anyone."

the shops on a saturday was terrifying. i scuttled from my car (parked a good walk from any shop) to the only store i ever shopped at. i ran inside and grabbed a shop assistant.
"i need a green something. please." she looked at me in shock, and i smiled so i didnt look half as crazy. then she straightened herself out and went into shop-girl mode.
"what is your size, if you dont mind my asking?"
i blushed and told her, as she started picking things off racks. they were all in a multitude of shades but all in green. some were tops and others were dresses.
after a good fifteen minutes, i decided on a bright green satin shirt with sleeves to my elbows, and a deep jade dress that cut down quite low, with an empire line skirt. i wasnt sure which i would wear, but i figured i could use both. i bought a black singlet for under it, and left in a hurry. the assistant seemed very happy with my purchase.
i sent kat pictures to her phone and waited for a reply.
wow amelia. go for the dress. you look lovely, have a good time. love, kat x
i took off the dress and went downstairs to prepare. it was only 11am, but i needed to do something. i cut the chicken into perfect pieces, then started on the vegetables. i was deciding whether to add another half a carrot when the phone rang.
i bustled to get it, wiping my hands on a towel on the way.
"amelia speaking."
"amelia dear, its claire here, i have some bad news, i can still make it, but would my son be able to come with me? im afraid hes had some trouble with his friends and i dont want to leave him at home on a saturday night. knowing him he would probably throw a party and hope i dont notice."
he was clearly in the room when she said this, i noted.
"sure thing claire, i was just about to go shopping. thanks for letting me know ahead of time. ill see you at seven tonight. bye for now"
i paused, and started chopping a lot more vegetables. i knew how much teenage boys could devour.



KAT

i lay on the bed in my hotel. it wasnt anything too flash, i didnt want to waste money on luxuries. i had read a lot at my many stops along the way, of jacks diary. i now knew without a doubt that he had truly loved me from the first moment we met. not that he hadnt told me before, but i could clearly remember the way he looked at me before i had any inkling of the way he felt. i was so oblivious. i couldnt imagine how frustrating it must have been for him to watch me trying to destroy myself. the fact he waited four years to tell me killed me. we could have done so much, we could have been together for so much longer, if he had just told me. but i would remember that for the majority of those four years i was in self desrtuct mode. i would have run if he had told me. i was convinced we were best friends and nothing more. how stupid i had been.
but it was over now. he was gone. this road trip was me saying goodbye to him. at every stop i had take a picture of me and the scenery around me. standing on the edge of a cliff, the view stretching out behind me, sitting on the bonnet of his car, singing in his car, in the hotel, jumping on the bed, the city, the scummy gas stations i had stopped at along the way.
i called amelia once or twice a day to let her know where i was and how i was. it was good to hear her voice, but at the same time it was good to be away on my own for a while.

i had visited all the colleges i had been accepted into.i had narrowed it down to two. one of them i could stay living with amelia, and the other i would have to move into the dorms there. i wasnt sure which i was going to do yet, so i made a mental note to talk to her about it when i got home.

like amelia, i had turned over a new leaf. i was mourning jack still, i was terribly sad and missed him every second of the day, but i changed a bit. i went shopping and bought clothes that fit me, rather than just jacks hoodies and baggy t-shirts. i bought fitting jeans (not too fitting of course) and cardigans and tank tops. i still got glares from shopkeepers if they saw my arms, and it still lit a fire in me, but i ignored it. to me they were the girls from high school who had tormented me all through high school. i could deal with that.
i bought colours too, which was a biggie. pale blue, electric blue, even yellow and green. one of the more helpful shop girls figured i hadnt done this before, and told me the colours i should wear more of. she even told me i looked lovely.


so when i returned home, i wasnt surprised amelia barely recognized me. i had had may hair cut a bit shorter, and trimmed my fringe a bit too. i wasnt wearing eyeliner, just a little bit of mascara someone had suggested i try. i was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue tank top with a white cardigan over it.
i hadnt told amelia i was coming home, but she had called me earlier that day so i knew she would be home.
what i hadnt expected was a teenage boy sitting on the couch with her when i walked in.


dark blue by jacks mannequin- yes or no?

Reckless (Part Thirteen)

JACK


it had been a couple of months since the dance, and things were going well. ok, better than well, but there was still one tiny thing always at the back of my mind. i did my best to ignore it and push it out of the way, but it was permanently stitched there. it was like an itch i couldnt scratch.
truth is, i knew i would have to tell her. and soon. secrets werent good for relationships.
amelia had tried talking to me about it one night. kat had gone to be early, and i was up watching tv with my mother.
"does kat know yet?"
"know wha-? oh. no."
"if you dont tell her soon, its going to kill her when she finds out. you know that dont you?"
i scowled. of course i knew. i was just terrified that telling her would kill her too.


KAT


i know it looks like a dramatic transformation, but it isnt. its like all the shit that i was feeling before has been taken away to a different room, as opposed to diagnosed and cured. theres too much stuff in my head thats much better and more exciting to worry about how much i dont want to be here, because suddenly, i do want to be here. with jack. dont get me wrong, i dont think im fine, its more like ive been distracted well enough and long enough that i keep forgetting. which is good. i think. its always been my way to try and ignore the bad stuff, which was everything before, but now it seems to be doing the trick better than anything ive tried before. so why not go with what works? its certainly not harming anyone. at least not right now. heres hoping it stays that way.


JACK


hurting kat wasnt on my agenda. why would it be? i loved her. i was the only one who wanted to make her safe, except my mother. i needed to protect her. but what happened when protecting her and hurting her were the same thing? i knew that by doing one, i would also be doing the other. but i had no choice.


KAT


ive changed. im now one of those people i hate. theyre in their own little loved up bubble and they forget everything that isnt them or their significant other. everything has a nice warm fuzzy take on it, and all the worlds problems are resolved because they are happy. thats now me and jack. i disgust myself, but i dont want it to change because its nice. i smiled for no reason and i bounced. i bounced. love is disgusting.


AMELIA


the worst feeling in the world is happiness plagued by worry. you can see so many reasons to smile and be happy with whats in front of you, but one tiny little complication has to throw a spanner in the works and ruin everything for you. the thing is, the worry wasnt even mine. well, it was. just not the part i was focusing on the most.
yes, i realise its garbled nonsense.
jacks not telling kat something important, something im not allowed to interfere with.
i should be worried more about jack, but that worry has been there for so many years, its no longer at the forefront of my mind all the time. my main worry now was what would happen to kat when she found out. because she was going to find out, it was inevitable. whether jack told her or not, she would find out. and by not telling her now, he was betraying her, making the whole situation worse. but i was sworn to secrecy.













KAT





the day jack died, we all did.
it was two months after the end of high school. we had graduated, he with flying colours.
we had graduation.
and then we spent all day and all night doing what we wanted.

then he died.

i was called to the hospital, and automatically wondered that, if it wasnt me, then who could it be?
walking into a sterile white room and seeing jack white and still scared the wits out of me. i was standing next to amelia and we both stood there, stock still and whiter than jack. i had no idea how long we stood there, but we both jumped when the mortician came in.
"im sure the doctor explained what happened. im so sorry. is there anything else i can do for you?"
"my mouth worked, but i couldnt get anything out. i didnt know why i wasnt crying. or maybe i was? i couldnt feel anything. why was jack dead? why did amelia not seem as surprised as me? jack was 18, he wasnt supposed to drop dead suddenly like this. it was me. im supposed to die, not him. he had a future, a scholarship and me. how dare he leave me like this?
the mortician left, and we sat numbly on hard plastic chairs.
"what happened?" stared at the floor as i spoke.
"kat, theres something you have to know before i tell you anything. when you came into our lives, i knew he had to tell you. but he didnt, because you needed more help than he did. for years, i tried constantly to tell you but jack told me not to, it was his burden. he wrote you this letter, explaining everything."
and she handed me a huge fat book, the pages thin and crumpled in places.
i looked up at her as i took it and i could tell in that instant that she was as devastated as me.
i felt my scars throb and burn as i felt the intense guilt of being a burden for so many years.
the book was huge and thick and the tears rolling down my face in a steady downpour were the same. i wasnt sure if i wanted to read it non-stop until it was finished, or throw it at him or burn it or save it for a rainy day. it hung from my hand and i turned to say goodbye to jack privately for the last time. amelia left me alone in the cold white and silver room with my jack.
it was silent for a while as i paced around the room. jack lay on his metal gurney, eyes closed and barely breathing. no, he wasnt breathing at all. he wasnt asleep. this was for real. i dropped the book and carefully held jack. he was so stiff. i kissed his face gently and held his hand.
"i love you jack, but i hate you so much for leaving me. i wasnt allowed to leave you but you left me. how am i supposed to do this alone? ill never forgive you for this. never. you knew and you didnt tell me. for four years, you knew you were going to die on me and you never said a word. i hate you jack, and i love you. see you at your funeral."
and then i left.




JACK, AGE 14

ENTRY ONE
kat, i just met you, but i know we will be best friends soon. i know i probably cant help you, but you have to understand its all i want to do. so please let me at least try. i dont know when youre going to read this. hopefully you dont have to though, i hope i have the guts to tell you everything. just, maybe not now.
first, there are some things you should know, things i cant tell you to your face.
i think you are beautiful. i know you think im nuts for thinking this but i dont care. you are, even when youve been crying for hours. and as this first entry, ill leave it here.




KAT


it was pouring with rain on the day i started reading. i sat on jacks bed, wearing all his clothes and read while the rain slid down the house. i didnt read much. it was the day of jacks funeral and i had decided i didnt want to go. i didnt want to be around people who didnt know jack, or who didnt really care enough to spend time with him when he was alive. fake people, and the real people too, wouldnt be able to look amelia and me in the eye. it would be awkward and embarrassing and far, far too sad to bear.
amelia and i werent talking much. we werent really not talking, we just werent communicating. we grunted and nodded at times, but talking about what had happened was not necessary. we milled around the increasingly dirty house and ignored what had happened. we werent ignoring jack, it just hurt too much to talk about the fact that he wouldnt walk through the front door, noisily drop his skateboard, kick off his shoes and ask for food again.
amelia knocked on the door. she was wearing a black tailored dress, stockings a coat and plain black shoes. she was going to the funeral.
"you coming?" she asked. her voice was flat and croaky from lack of use.
i thought about it for a moment.
"if it were me, would jack have gone?"
i watched as her eyes misted over. i wouldnt blame her; i could tell she was imagining me dead instead of her baby boy.
"no. no, i dont think he would. but youre not him. in six months time, in six years time, are you going to look back and wish you had gone? you can always leave if its too terrible."
it was the most either of us had spoken since we heard the news and it sounded strange. we had both become accustomed to our own thoughts and the shuffling of our feet. i shook my head, not an answer, more to refocus.
"ok then."
i didnt bother wearing fancy clothes. this was jacks funeral, and i was going to wear what jack would have worn if it was my funeral. i pulled on an old torn pair of jeans and jacks oldest hoodie. the smell of him made everything foggy. i closed my eyes and whispered to him as the tears returned. "why jack? you can tell it to a book but not to me? if you couldnt tell me, what was the point in all of this? i thought you said you were going to be honest, but all you did was lie. i dont care that you did it to protect me, i just care that for four years you lied to me. everytime i asked how you were and you said you were fine or good or ok, you lied to my face. even when i was close to death, i still told you how i was, even if i thought it might scare you or hurt you. and now youre dead and ill never hear you tell me the truth or scream at you until im blue in the face. i just wish you were here."
then i pulled on some chucks and left with amelia.


JACK, AGE 14

ENTRY TWO
so today was the second time we met, and it was so amazing. we just sat at the park again, but i told you all about me. most of it anyway. im not sure why i cant tell you, in person or even in these silly journal entries. i can tell though, because you cant tell me anything, that what you have to say is a lot to handle. but i can handle it. unfortunately, its been three days and already i know you cant handle what i have to tell you. its not that i dont want to tell you, its more that if i tell you you might run away and i dont know if i can handle that.
i hate this. because its been three days since we first met and already i know im in love with you. i hope you dont read this for a while now. because that sounds just stupid. or better yet, i hope you never read it. i want to say that to your face. i want to watch your face as i tell you im in love with you, because i want to be able to see if you love me too. you wont now, itll be far too soon for you to open up enough to trust me, let alone love me. but one day i hope to be able to look into your eyes and tell you youre the only one i want to be with. and that youll say the same to me.



AMELIA

i dont even remember the days and weeks after jacks death. i know i was fairly blank, but it is as though my memory wont let me revisit it, which i am thankful for. i had hoped kat would be the same, but her eyes were so wide all the time, i knew the shock of it wasnt going away. we werent really talking, but i knew there was more going on in there than just missing jack. i didnt even want to ask.
i had now lost the two men in my life, the ones i loved most, and all i had left was kat. i didnt know how she felt about the situation. we were still living together, but i could feel her tiptoe around as though she felt she didnt belong there without jack. it was easy to see she didnt know whether to stay or go, but i knew i wanted her to stay. i loved her more than her own parents, and this was her home. i didnt want her to be away from me, or from all of jacks things, away from his memory. this was her home as much as it was mine. while we didnt talk, it was comforting knowing she was in the next bedroom. a teenager in jacks bed was the closest thing i would ever have to another jack.



KAT


i didnt dare bring up the living situation with amelia. it was now a few days since the funeral and it felt like the days since jack had gone were racing by, and i was desperately grasping onto memories as though the more time that went by the fewer memories i could squash into my brain. i wished, as i contined reading jacks diary, that i had done the same. all of our time spent together was documented in an entry. and each entry seemed so very jack, as though he was sitting next to me, writing as i read.
the funeral was terrible. i didnt leave, but staying was so horrifying, i had tried to block it from my mind. we all stood around his coffin and amelia and i were the only ones truly devastated by his not-alive presence. our tears told everyone who thought to try and say something to us to turn around and walk away. neither of us said anything, but we listened to many other people talking about a person who sounded vaguely like jack, but still so very bland, as though they were talking about teenage boys who died young and left so many people behind. i screamed insults in my head, but they remained in my head, along with all the other words i was caging inside myself.

the house was disgusting. there were pizza boxes and noodle boxes and cupss littering the surface of anything that was higher than the ground and a disticnt smell emanating from every room. we showered so frequently we couldnt stand to be in the same room as eachother at times. we had run out of everything- not just milk bread and eggs, but sugar and coffee and teabags and deodorant and shampoo and probably anything else you care to name. we ate rarely and never cleaned. it wasnt until my parents showed up that we realised just how filthy we were.

Reckless (Part Twelve)

KAT


we left the dance, running for the car. it was hard to run in a strapless dress and not have it fall down, and it was even harder when jack grabbed one of my hands. i knew i was slowing us down, but it was just too cold. then he picked me up.
"no! jack put me down, put me down!"
he didnt put me down, but we were moving a lot faster now. we were at the car within minutes, and we buckled up and zoomed off.
i was terrified. what was going to happen? i had just had my first kiss, but i still didnt know anything about this sort of thing. i wasnt ready, that much i knew for sure, but i wanted to make jack happy. what would that take?
after the fastest drive home ever, i bolted from the car and ran to the front door, jack following close behind. i needed him back.
he ushered me upstairs while he talked to amelia. i ran up there, nervous beyond compare. i smoothed my hair and wiped off my lipgloss and smelt my breath and then he was there again. he shut the door and charged towards me with such force that i might have fallen over had his arms not been behind my back already. his mouth found mine and thats where it stayed. i threw off his jacket and managed to pull my stockings off with one hand. unable to stand on our shaking legs any longer, we fell back onto the bed. jack was on top of me and i could smell him. he smelt like the deodorant me and amelia had picked out, and clean from a shower, and sweat. it wasnt a bad smell, it just made it more like jack. i breathed it in and nearly passed out.
my arms were in knots around his neck and back and our legs were tangled together too.
my hands found his collar and pulled him closer still. i felt a button move under my finger and prised it open hesitantly. jack didnt seem to mind, or even notice. i opened another, and another. i didnt want to take it off completely, in case his back got cold, but the heat from his chest warmed mine.
some time later, we broke apart. jack grabbed the water bottle and drank deeply before handing it to me. i sipped it and then threw it on the floor, keen to get back to my boyfriend. it sounded so weird. boyfriend was so casual. i hated the way the word sounded.
i felt it was important to reiterate the words i had said earlier. i looked him straight on and just said it. "i love you jack."
his face looked so disbelieving as i said it, as though he thought he might be dreaming.
"i love you kat."
i smiled without moving my lips. my eyes were smiling, if its even possible to do such a thing.
i knew, somehow, that if i was going to do something, i had to do it now. i took my right hand from around his neck and slowly started moving my fingers across his skin. around his neck, his neckline, down his chest...
jack grabbed onto my hand and kissed it. thinking he was just going with the flow like i was, i did it again with my left hand. then he grabbed hold of that too. i frowned.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
i had no idea what to do next. i had just been rejected. it was like all of my worst nightmares come true. i let my hands fall to the bed beside me and closed my eyes. they stung with the promise of oncoming tears, but i held them back, for prides sake.
he kissed my nose. and my cheeks. and my neck and my ears. and it felt so good i didnt want to push him away. i opened my eyes and saw the way he looked at me. he hadnt rejected me because he didnt want me, he did it because he didnt want me to get hurt.

i dont even remember falling asleep. but waking up in the morning was wonderful. i dreamt peacefully of kisses and jack, and woke up the same way i always did. except he wasnt curled up behind me. he had his arm around my neck and i was lying on him, my head resting on his chest, moving slowly up and down with his breathing. i was still in my dress and he was still wearing his dress pants. he had taken off his shirt at some point.
"good morning sunshine." his voice was slightly croaky and... kind of sexy.
i hadnt realised he was awake.
"whats the time?"
"about 4am. why?"
shit. what was i doing awake? "were you up all night?"
"you only went to sleep a few hours ago. yeah. i dont think ill be able to sleep."
"why not?" i asked.
"im terrified ill wake up and it will all be back to normal. its like im dreaming."
"youre not. hey! i slept on it."
"what?"
"you said sleep on it and then we can talk about it. i slept. lets talk." even though the thought of bringing that up with anyone scared me half to death.
"why are you in such a rush?"
"im not." in fact i didnt know why i was so keen to do it. because i wasnt. i was petrified.
"we can talk about it, but im not going to let you do anything stupid."
i decided to come clean.
"i just want to make you happy. like i went to the dance with you, for you. i wore that silly dress and all that make up and went all girly for you. and your mother."
"oh kat. sure i want things, but i want to wait. i havent done it before either you know. you sholdnt be doing it for me, you should be doing it because you want to. ok?"
thank god. there was no way i was ready for that yet. no way in hell.
"and that dress wasnt silly. you looked so beautiful. still do. i wonder how amelia is going to react." it wasnt so much as a question, more like thinking out loud. we continued to lay there until eventually we fell asleep again.


JACK


i was more than happy to stay in bed all day with kat, but unfortunately our stomachs forced us to get out of bed. i got changed quickly while kat showered and ran downstairs.
"god jack, its still morning, why are you up?"
"why not? just hungry"
"so how did it go last night? why did you come home so early? you were only gone for an hour and a half."
"well we got there, and then kat decided to tell me she was in love with me, so we came home. turns out neither of us actually wanted to be there."
"well then it went pretty well i see! your foolish grin gave it away as well. so how was it?"
"we didnt do anything. but it was good. very very good. you ok with us being together?"
"been waiting for it for years. well done for finally getting your act together, the pair of you."
kat walked into the room and i felt my grin grow. the flushed a shade of pink and sat down at the counter next to me. when i looked up at amelia again, she was crying.
"you ok amelia?"
"yeah... i just.... youre finally a couple!" it was hard to interpret what she was saying between sobs, and she rushed off to the downstairs bathroom to wipe away her tears of joy. kat moved her stool closer to me and i put my arm around her.
"what do you want for breakfast?"
"coffee. now. please."
we sat quietly sipping our coffee and enjoying the warm sense of happiness while the morning dragged on. we sat listening to the rain outside and debated on whether or not to go out today. we decided that video games and DVDs were a much more satisfactory idea, so we headed upstairs, shut the curtains in my room and whiled(?) away the afternoon.
it wasnt until very late that night that i realised with a shock that we hadnt finished our math homework from the week before. which wasnt so bad for me, but kat needed help finishing hers. we curled up in the warm bed while i watched her chew the end of her pen as she worked through her algebra problems. here and there i pointed at something on her page and she would go back to it and work it out again until i acknowledged a right answer. halfway through, she fell asleep on my shoulder. working quickly, i wrote the answers down and scribbled a note to her-
KAT- YOU NEED TO DO THE WORKING FOR THESE. LOVE YOU X
and i curled up next to her and slept.


KAT


its probably about time i explained my parents. its not something i know a lot about, but its the sort of thing that needs to be said.
ill start with my dad. his name is richard porter and all he knows is money. he was born into a world of it and knows no different. private schooling, extra tutoring and a large inheritance. his father died when i was still a baby, and his mother, my grandmother, is somewhere in europe, probably chasing after too many young men and having the time of her life. i have only met her a few times when i was still young.
from what i know, richard is in the business of insurance.
my grandmother is katherine the first, and though im not 100% sure, i could bet that she never shortened her name. katherine had never worked, she was supported by her parents and her husband, and when they had all died, she was left with a hefty sum of money that would keep her comfortable for the rest of her life.
my mother, on the other hand, was not born into anything. eleanor worked hard at school, hoping to become a doctor or a lawyer or something someday. she was accepted into a good college where she met my dad. as it turned out, she didnt need the scholarship, she ended up becoming my fathers assistant. he was a CEO of a bank or something. i never paid enough attention or cared enough to try.
my parents had my brother first. his name is joshua, and they insist on calling him that instead of josh. hes is five years older than me. he always had the ambition. he was a natural leader, and when we were kids, he would try and make me do my homework, tutoring me and lording it over me because i just wasnt as smart as he was. joshua knows what he wants. he has a plan. he has lots of plans. he has a daily, weekly, yearly, five yearly, and ten yearly plan. he knows exactly what is going on in every situation, and im pretty sure that these plans are the reason he gets what he wants. all the girls lov him- he is good looking, but not so good looking that he would break their hearts just because he could, he is secure, encouraging and determined. they knew, that if he wanted them, he would have them. at age 22, he had a steady girlfriend. i knew, that at age 23, he would propose, then six months later they would have their amazing wedding and live happily ever after. it made me a little ill. it made my parents happier than i ever made them, and it was for this reason that they favoured him over me. which was fine, because it meant that i could sneak out and they never noticed.
when i moved in with jack, im sure it felt to them like they had lost a child. i dont know if they were sad about it or not, but the enforced weekly dinners stopped after a while. i saw them every now and then, when amelia would feel guilty about stealing me away from them, or we would see them at the store. it was always strangely awkward around them, like they were old best friends or people who knew secrets about me. i tried not to let it get to me, but as much as i disliked them, i sort of missed my parents a little bit from time to time. amelia was always worried i wasnt seeing them enough, or they werent providing enough for me. truth is, they were still sending me large sums of money into my account weekly and monthly. $300 was transferred weekly, and $500 at the start of every month. i never used any of it, except to help out with groceries now and then, or if me and jack went out. neither of us had jobs, as we were told to focus on school, because amelia promised to give us everything we needed. the mortgage on the house wouldnt have been much, if anything, for a tiny 3 bedroom house in a tiny town. we got by on not very much. so i was blown away when i checked my account one afternoon while me and jack were at the mall. he needed new wheels for his skateboard, and i of course joined him.
"oh my god." the card had been sucked into the machine, and was now showing my balance.
"what?" jack leaned over and looked at the screen, nearly falling over himself when he realised what he was looking at.
"five thousand dolllars? what do i need 5 grand for? did they really think i would need all this?"
my head was spinning. i didnt even want to spend it. i didnt earn it, i didnt need or want it, how was i supposed to get rid of it?
"youre so shouting me these wheels i need kat. youve got the rich, i-cant-say-i-love-you-to-my-daughter-so-ill-send-her-copious-amounts-of-money parents, not me. i want a snack too actually." he grabbed me around the waist and put his face very close to mine. it still shocked me when he did this. "kat, im kidding. just leave the money. use it for college or to buy a house or something. ignore it, ok?" i sighed. he was right.
i retrieved my card and we headed to the skate shop.
i think next to home or the streets with his friends, this was his favourite place to be. it was full of skateboards signed by professionals, wheels, shoes, guards, pictures of tricks and people just like him. he loved it. it was a thursday afternoon, but the store was packed. we weaved in and out to get to the counter where we found Blue.
now, dont get me wrong, i like blue, but if i wasnt in the picture, i would bet all five grand in my bank account that jack would be doing everything he could to get with her. she was gorgeous. and i dont mean runway/giggles/shopping/pink things and puppies gorgeous.
i mean blue and blonde hair, piercings everywhere, eyeliner and legs that didnt stop. she was tall and had a huge grin, and could skate. she wore the most outrageous clothes and managed to actually pull it off. and she was nice. even to me, who had no idea what they meant by a 360 grind nose tail switch or whatever. she would smile at me and ask questions. not the bad kind of questions either. i think she understood that i hated questions like 'how are you'. she asked me if the bitchy girls at school were more or less bitchy, if my parents would notice if i dyed my hair green, or if i had ever tried skating. to be completely honest, i had a bit of a girl crush on blue. she was just so cool.
"jack, kat! havent seen you guys in ages! what can i do for you today guys? bit hectic in here today. has been lately." she grinned her perfect but not obnxious smile at us and we grinned back helplessly. then she noticed our hands, weaved together and squealed.
"you guys finally got together? about freaking time."
"yeah i think we were the last to realise. i need new wheels blue. mine are so out of shape. and i would like to get kat here a board."
fuck. i had been hoping this day would never come.
"awesome! well come out back, ill get you sorted."
i followed her out back, and glared at jack. "why?"
"im going to teach you properly how to skate. for that, you need a board."
out back was much the same as out front, but it had racks and racks of plain coloured boards, different shapes and sizes and all without wheels.
"ok! step up here kat, yep just like that. jack, come here and hold her so she doesnt fall over."
i was placed onto a grid on the floor, with marks and shapes all over the place. blue bent over my feet, measuring and muttering to herself. she scribbled out numbers and then stood up again, disappearing behind a rack of green boards. i continued glaring at jack, who seemed annoyingly happy.
when blue reappeared, she was holding a board in her right hand and a set of wheels in the left. the wheels were dropped on the ground and i was told to stand on my board, which was now balanced precariously on a metal contraption, placing the wheels where they would normally be.
"youre kidding right? i cant stand on that thing, ill fall off."
"two inches off the ground? kat, you have the perfect shape for a skateboarder. small and light. its a lot harder for people like me to do it. stupid long freaking legs. hey jack, go get me the tape from the front would you?" he disappeared obediently.
"look kat, if you do this, it will make him so happy. just give it a try. cuts and scrapes just go with the occupation. you dont have to be great, but go. do it." jack arrived back in the room just as i was stepping onto the board. my toes and heels hung over the edges a little, but otherwise it seemed to take my weight well. i clung to jack with my knuckles turning whiter and whiter. blue adjusted a few more things, then i was told to get off.
"all done! come pick it up next weekend, pay then as well. any requests?"
"kat, go ahead, i want to ask blue something."
ok fine. i wandered to the front of the store again, glad to be off the skateboard. jack caught up to me a minute later and we left the shop together.
"what was that all about?" i tried to ask angrily, but my mood had evaporated.
"just a little something. youll see."

Reckless (Part Eleven)

KAT


it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.


JACK

i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.


KAT


i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.

the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.


JACK

she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."

Reckless (Part Ten)

JACK


i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.

kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."


KAT


jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"


JACK

amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.


KAT

it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"

by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.


AMELIA

i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.