Reckless (Part Twenty)

needless to say, when lissie came to me crying, i was mortified. i had no idea what to think, so i calmed her down slowly, and asked her if she wanted to talk aboutanything.
"i cant!" she sobbed, fresh tears welling in her big eyes. i still couslnt work out what colour they were, they were like a pale goldy-green colour that changed frequently. sometimes they looked greener, sometimes there were flecks of blue, and sometimes they darkened to a brown colour.
"thats ok then, you dont have to tell me anything, but i want to help you stop crying, are you sure youre ok?"
"i'm ok, but, oh will i wish i could help!"
i hugged her gently, smoothing her hair back and tucking it behind her ears. i rubbed her back soothingly until her tears halted and her breath was hiccups.
i handed her the water bottle and we sat down on the edge of my bed.
"oh god its killing me. ok ill tell you, but you have to swear not to tell anyone ok? especially kat. promise?"
"i promise, but you really dont need to tell me if you have to keep it secret."
she waved her hand. "you know how kat has depression right?"
i knew, but not because anyone had said it outright. i nodded.
"i was curious, so we have been talking about it a lot lately, and she showed me her arms and everything, and-"
"her arms?"
"yeah, theyre so scarred will, you should see them. they look like burns. it broke my heart."
well at least that explained her love of cardigans.
"anyway, i walk in to the room yesterday, and shes got that diary jack wrote her open next to her, shes crying, and shes got my pencil sharpener blade in her hand! i didnt know what to say will, i dont have experience with any of this. so i read the next entry out to her, to help her remember why she doesnt cut anymore. its so heartbreaking will, my god. the entry i read out loud to her is the first entry he wrote after the first time she tried to kill herself. he found her in the floor in a pool of her own blood." she stopped, knowing this was enough information for the both of us. i held her tightly, and we rocked gently back and forth. i knew kat had depression, but i hadnt known it was so serious. though i couldnt say anything without landing lissie in it.
after spilling her secret to me, lissie and i had our usual night in. we watched a movie and ate dinner, then we fell into bed with each other. she managed to remove my jeans this time, and though we didnt get any further than that, it was a very... open situation to be in. when i lay on top of her, i tried not to lean on her much, but when we swapped, she loved it. i knew it wouldnt be long before we ended up going all the way, and i was nervous. i had only had sex once before, in high school with a girl i didnt know when i was drunk. it was embarrassing, but i didnt want to tell lissie. i would rather her think i was a virgin.
when we grew too tired to keep it up, she laid her chin on my chest and looked at me thoughtfully. her eyebrows knitted together a little and i smiled. she was so beautiful.
"will, i have a question."
"mmm?"
"are you a virgin?"
"yeah i am. are you?"
"yeah, me too. i was just wondering. ive sort of been thinking about it lately is all."
"we dont have to do anything you dont want you lissie, you know that," i said gently, brushing her cheekbone lightly with my fingertips.
"i know. i was just thinking about whether im ready or not. you know."
"mmm?" i didnt want to say anything demanding or that could be misunderstood.
"i think i am."
wow. i didnt think she was quite yet. "are you sure?"
she nodded, lifting her head slightly so she could. "like i said, ive been thinking a lot about it. i really think i am. what about you? have you been thinking much about it?"
"not a huge amount to be honest, until now. and you want to? with me?"
"well theres no one else silly. i dont want to push you into anything, but i thought i would let you know, you know, in case you were wondering at all."
"im glad you told me liss. not tonight though ok? lets just not plan for it though. i dont want you to be nervous about anything."
"ok." and she kissed me slowly, both her hands on my face, then slid beside me, her head resting comfortably by my shoulder. our legs were tangled up as usual, and we fell asleep together.

i woke up an hour or so later, and lissie too as a result of my moving to check the time. it was eleven at night, and i sat up to pull on my clothes.
"what are you doing?"
"im going to walk you home silly. come on, i know youre tired, but you can get into your pjs and into bed soon."
"i want to stay here."
"liss, you dont have any pyjamas or anything."
"i dont care. i want to stay here with you tonight. please?"
"ok. here, you can borrow a shirt of mine to sleep in if you want." and i rifled through my tshirts to find one big enough. it was red, and big on me, so when i came back in the room after she had changed, it was nearly to her knees. "you look gorgeous," i said.
she laughed, and pulled me into bed. her energy seemed to have come back to her, and she pulled me on top of her once more.


I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, ILL WRITE IT ALL ON WORD AND COPY AND PASTE. IT WONT BE PERMANENT, BUT IM NOT SURE WHEN I WILL BE BACK.