Reckless (Part Seven)

going back to school after four weeks is a little like walking into a party that you thought was fancy dress, when really it was just 'dress fancy'. everyone stares, and no matter how insignificant you thought you were, all eyes remain on you at all times.
i kept my head down, sat at the back of every class and stayed out of the public eye as much as possible. but the whispers followed me everywhere i tried to escape.
"did you hear? ellen said she went to rehab!"
"coke? p?"
"nah, apparently it was alcohol."
"i heard she was in france?"
"yeah, in a centre maybe!"
"god, its pathetic isnt it?"
"yeah."
yeah, it is, i thought. could they not come up with more lucrative rumours?
still, the words sent signals to my brain. signals that set my whole body alight with pain and an urge to cut so powerful that i knew if i didnt do it soon, i would implode.
hastily, i rushed to the bathrooms. old dog, new tricks. though the routine and familiarity of it sent shockwaves through me, i pulled my cellphone out and called jack.
"jack."
"fuck. how bad kat?"
"i havent. i just need you right now. not even here, but i can hear your voice. i want to go back home. even to the hospital. i would rather endure the pitying stares and the overly helpful nurses than have everyone whispering and glaring at me. i feel sick jack."
"you want me to come see you?"
"yes. but no, ive already kept you off school long enough. ill be ok. just, keep texting me ok? reassurance and such."
"ok. be safe kat. love."
i hung up and looked in the mirror. the bags under my eyes seemed more prominent under the fluorescents; my skin almost see through. my hair, though only a dark brown, took on a blackish tinge, and my lips were drained of colour. god i thought, i look like death warmed up. i put on some cheap chapstick and gnawed on my lip until they looked a little pinker. there really wasnt much else i could do, but it really didnt matter. even if i was attractive, the stares would be the same.

when the final bell rang, i fled. as fast as my little legs would take me, i ran to meet jack. the urgency in his eyes was so vivid- it was like he had written the question on his forehead.
"did you?"
i smiled the smallest smile. it wasnt so much a triumph for me- no, it was pure hell- but the look on jacks face broke me. he was exuberant.
he hugged me tight.
"one day feels like an eternity. i dont see how i am going to do this every day."
he grasped my shoulders tightly and held me at arms reach. "kat, one day, one day is amazing. youre doing this. ok? you are getting this. and besides, its been longer than one day. you know that. now lets go do something. its hot, and your house is stuffy enough as it is."

we wandered home, plenty of time to kill, just letting the pale sun warm our faces. we didnt really need to talk. i never liked asking about his day, for two reasons. 1) he always managed to twist the question so that he was asking me. so i opted for the more convienient option- 2) listen to when amelia asked about it. it saved me the frustration of being asked the same thing, and saved jack from repeating himself. it was a win-win situation.
at his house, we grabbed a tub of icecream and sat out in his tiny back yard. it was a mess.
the grass was overgrown- ankle deep- there were broken pottery projects that had been thrown out here in anger at it being a "failure", for me and jack to later destroy further by throwing it and the concrete block at the back. there was a small garage filled with blank canvas, paints, craft bits and bobs, and an old computer.
among all of this was two old deck chairs facing the wooden back fence (which was twice the height of me). on sunny days like this, we would sit out here together and plan our fture, pretending like the towering fence was our pool, our ocean views, a glowing sunset, or whatever it was we felt like dreaming up that day. our little paradise.

i put down my spoon. my eyes were closed and i wore a small frown.
"kat? whats up?"
i sighed. nothing was up. the sun was bright. but jack wouldnt take that.
"i just hate having to go home, thats all."
it was true. since i had left the hospital, i had been nearly living at jacks. my mother had taken to hovering. i was trapped and it wasnt helping. so i moved in with him. sort of. two nights a week, i was to attend family dinners with my parents, no jack, no amelia, just the family. i detested these nights. mom and dad would show off, cooking some ridiculously fancy dinner, make rehearsed small talk, then fall into an uneasy, awkward silence. it was like school all over again.
but i obeyed, because they were my parents, and they were paying my way. apparently i was too unstable for a job, so they paid amelia for the food i ate, clothes i wore, and other small expenses. they also fed $50 a week into my account, for reasons unknown. i simply assumed they were being helpful in the only way they knew how.
so life had settled into a regular rythm, boring, repetitive, but it was sort of comforting.
it was one of the things i used to try and calm myself down at night, when i was huddled in a ball on jacks bed, crying.
i attemped suicide.
twice.
and failed.
twice.
my parents hate me.
i have no home.
i hate myself.
everyone in this tiny fucking town hates me and i hate this tiny fucking town.
i tried to contradict these thoughts. i really did.
if i had died, jack would have too.
i survived twice.
i have parents.
they have money, which i suppose is a good thing.
my home is with jack and amelia.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
really, i did try.
then jack would hug me until i fell asleep, and it counted as another day without self harm.


following these nights, was a morning. grey, lazy light peered through gaps in the curtains far too early, and woke me immediately. i had practised lying still, keeping my breathing even, so that jack would remain none the wiser. i used the time between waking up and actually getting up to compose myself. same drill as the night previous. because getting up and living was just far too hard to just do. i needed preparation, time, and to get rid of the voices in my head long enough to try to convince myself that i could do it. giving yourself a pep talk makes you feel so much worse. when all you want to do is ruin things and hurt things and smash things to pieces, hearing bright bubbly thoughts, especially from your own head, is tormenting.
all i had to do was tell myself- get up. survive another day.
it took so long, but i needed that time to just try. uninterrupted.
i was only getting five or six hours of sleep a night, but it never seemed to catch up on me.
after my daily composure session, i managed to fall back into a light sleep. semi-consciousness. when the alarm went off at seven fifteen, i faked a ywan and a grumble and huddled under the sheets further. i hated getting out of bed; it was even worse than waking up.
"come on kat. youre going to make us late."
false. we had never been late to school, ever. but i let him drag me out so we could start the day.

school was mind numbing. i had managed to catch up fairly quickly, despite having missed a whole month of school. that was the plus side of living with jack. he was a nerd and rubbed off on me, convincing me that it wasnt even hard, and it would help to take my mind off things. it never did.
so with jacks help, not only had i caught up, i always found homework for each class. i would read a few extra chapters, or preview my math homework, or find ways to avoid the ball in anticipation for soccer coming up in gym. so by the time the weekend rolled around, we had nothing but free time.

every now and then, jack would ask me abruptly- "show me your arms. have you been cutting?" i took this as a sign that i wasnt hiding it well enough, and tried harder to maintain it. in truth, there were some aspects that were getting easier to deal with. the fact that i was staying alive indefinitely, and the fact that i was trying, for jack. but thats where the line was drawn. i thought about cutting constantly. i would scrape my nails over old scars, trying to re-feel the pain, i would run cold metal objects aross my skin when no one was watching, just to feel the sense of familiarity. it was a burning desire, and i was never allowed to forget just how much i wanted it.
talking to jack was hard too.
in the beginning, when i had first started my to do list, i opened up quite easily. but now, after four weeks, i felt as though progress should have been made. it hadnt, but i figured jack would love it. so, bit by bit, i began hiding things from him again. or telling him things he would like to hear.
"when we are old and grey, we will tell all our neighbours rumours about our other neighbours. start street scandals." i would say to him. the fact that i was thinking about us becoming old together delighted him. i just wanted to please him.

we were walking to school, just passing by the corner we used to have to meet at, and joined the throng of students walking in the same direction. conversation was difficult, so we just walked. i looked up at jack, who was beaming. how can he just be so happy? for no apparent reason, he is just smiling to himself. i dont understand it at all.
and then i was flying through the air.
a tiny crack of pavement had risen up, just enough for my shoe to catch on and send me towards the ground. my hands rushed out to break my fall, but too little too late. my knees bent and skidded across the coarse concrete, ripping them open. jack bent down immediately, so much more fluid than my own trip to the ground.
"kat? are you alright?"
i rolled over as people walked past us, frustrated more than anything that i had interrupted the flow of the crowd. my knees were pouring with thick, crimson blood, streaming down my bare legs and staining my white socks. i stared at them, enchanted. i had missed this colour, this feeling so much more than i had realised. stunned, i watched my bloody knees while jack removed his bag and fished around inside. he removed a drink bottle and his gym shirt and washed away the beautiful mess. he wrapped the knee that was the worst and moved to pick me up in his arms.
"what are you doing! no way am i letting you carry me to school!"
"dont be stupid, we are going to your house to patch you up."
"jack dont be ridiculous, we are going to be late for school."
"im sure theyll understand, ill give the a ring and explain that we wont be too long."
"fine. but youre not carrying me. i tripped, im not parapalegic."
i hobbled back down the short distance we had come since the corner and turned onto my road.
once in the house, we headed upstairs to my bathroom.
jack sat me on the edge of the sink and set to work on my knees with a first aid kit. i leant back against the mirror and remembered the blood.
"kat?" jacks voice was soft.
"mmm?"
"you liked the blood didnt you?"
i was shocked. maybe i had stared too long?
"i saw you. it was like you missed it, like it missed you."
i remained quiet.
"you need to stop pretending with me kat. i dont mind if youre still in the same exact state you were in three weeks ago, but i need to know. i need to know how youre feeling, to react to what you say. it helps me too you know."
he was standing in front of me now, his face level with mine. he shone his dark eyes at me, sombre and caring.
"i know. but it makes you happy when i smile, or when i act happy or say something funny. i like seeing you smile jack."
"but youre not doing this for me kat, youre doing it for yourself."
"i know." i bowed my head. i couldnt bear looking at him when he was so concerned.
he lifted my chin and forced my gaze to meet his. "i care about you kat, ok, just be honest, thats all i ask."
i nodded. my throat was blocked for some reason. i became suddenly aware of everything. my hands we resting on my legs, jacks hands on top of mine. jack was standing as close as possible without touching my knees. and our faces were very close together.
what? no, no, no, dont kiss jack! no! its jack!
i realised and pulled away just slightly, pretending to lean against the mirror, letting it cool my back.
jack picked up my hands and flipped them over. "let me just get the gravel out of your hands and then we can head to school. it will sting later if we dont."
he pored over my grazed palms and removed anything that wasnt suposed to be there. my mind was racing.
was jack really going to kiss me?
why?
what is kissing like?
why me?
jack could have anyone.
i didnt want to.
did i?
did i?




JACK


there had been many occasions when i thought about kat.
not as my friend.
not as my sister.
but as someone who could very well be my girlfriend.
it was simply unavoidable. all our friends, teachers, parents and even peers would comment on how we were perfect for one another, how we were practically dating anyway, how we suited eachother better than most other couples.
we had come to an unspoken agreement, me and kat. we werent getting together, so it was best just to ignore these remarks and comments. but, as a teenage boy, i coulnt help but let my mind wander.
kat was attractive. gorgeous (not that she would ever agree or even see where i was coming from)
i knew her better than anyone. maybe even herself.
we spent most nights together, and now we were living together.
but throughout the years, we had never had a physical relationship.

huddling up with kat at nights was natural. but it always caught me by surprise when i got an undeniable urge to kiss her neck, or to stare into her dark eyes and tell her exactly how i felt. not that i knew. kat was my best friend. but were these urges ones of the typical teenage boy, or was i really truly falling in love with kat?



KAT

since the day i had scraped my knee up, i had had two major things on my mind. obviously, there were plenty of other things going on up there, but it always came down to the two.
firstly was my fixation on blood. i craved it. i needed it outside, so visible to me, so rich and delicate. i would try and nick my knees while i shaved, or clumsily walk to school or pick the scabs that were forming. just seeing the thick crimson stream erupting from my cream coloured skin set my heart on fire.
the second thing was jack.
i knew that if i hadnt realised when i did, jack and i would have kissed. and the crazy thing is, i had no idea how on earth i felt about that. i had pulled away. was it fear of the unknown? i knew jack had kissed girls before, but i hadnt kissed anyone ever. i was acting weird around him now. i was scared he could read my mind, so i emphasised how good a friend he was. jack wasnt acting weird at all. he just thought i was.
i slept terribly. i writhed around desperate to sleep, but couldnt shake the thought of jack and i together. a million different scenarios popped into my head and were immediately replaced by another.
i was so lost. but at least it distracted me from my bloodlust.

Reckless (Part Six)

when i woke up, my hand was stuck to my face and the other was still firmly around kats. during my slumber, i had not managed to forget that kat was once again in the hospital nearly dead. i saw futures without her, i saw the blood on her floor staining and becoming a constant reminder of her life and her desire to end it, i saw anna, i saw kats parents and i saw myself, crying alone at her funeral.
when i looked around to find the source of my awakening, i saw the same nurse who had helped me earlier.
"shes going to be ok you know," she said brightly. "i was speaking to the doctor before and she said that katherine was going to live."
"living and being ok are two very different things you know." my voice was groggy and my eyes stung. my neck was stiff but i didnt lift it from the bed.
"of course." she seemed put out that her cheery persona hadnt cheered me. she was in the process of changing kats bandages. my head whirled when i saw her arms. gaping cuts were angrily spaced out from the base of her hand right up to her shoulder, on both sides of her arm. it was as though she had put her arm in a blender. there was a thick cream lathered on top of the cuts- to prevent infection i guessed- but it was still plain to see. some of the cuts had been bleeding, seeping through the off white bandages layer by layer. she was so exposed; i desperately wanted to cover her up. if her parents were to walk in at this moment, i had a strange idea they would walk right back out again. she was so helpless- lying in a hospital bed with her cuts open and glaring at anyone who dared to look. worse still, she wasnt conscious, and therefore couldnt protect herself. that was my job but i couldnt do anything. i felt so pathetic.

when kats parents turned up at seven that night, the concern that appeared was genuine, but as soon as the nurse assured them she would live, they relaxed and went to get a coffee. my blood boiled at this. i managed to calm down by holding kats hand and tuning everyone out. i was offered a ride hom from kats mother, and my blank stare seemed to answer her.
once they had gone, i called my mother (without leaving the bedside).
"hey mom."
"going to be home for dinner tonight?"
"no. im at the hospital. kats here again."
"oh god. alive?"
"yeah. just."
"ill finish cooking dinner and bring some with me ok? are you going to be alright jack?"
"only if kat is."

mom bought me a full roast meal and soup. she stayed all of the first night there with me. it was comforting to fall asleep knowing she was there. she was more of a mother than kats ever was.

it was longer this time before she woke up. after four days i began to get anxious. well, more so.
i was sleeping, it was about 8pm and kats mother had been arguing with a nurse when i drifted off. kats hand was in mine at the time, and i silently wept for her as i relaxed into my chair.
when i awoke- so very disoriented- kat was looking at me. a picture of horror. i immediately assumed the worst as the look on her face matched mine.
i tried to be comforting. i wanted to soothe her and reassure her.
"kat." it was all i could think of to say, but the doze had made my throat dry up. it was barely a whisper.
it was obvious right away that my nurse act hadnt worked, as kats eyes welled up. she looked painfully frustrated and eternally sad. sad is too small a word for that- anything else is simply not right.
"its ok kat im here. and im not leaving you."
she frowned at me. then she motioned for writing utensils, and i fished them out of the drawer for her.
being around me is hurting you. you cant save me.
"and by not being around you for a few days, you almost die. again. i would rather be worried but know where you are than being out of your life."
who found me?
"me. i didnt walk to school with you, but i waited til you got to the corner and walked a short way behind you. when you didnt show up, i went straight to your house. jesus, kat. it was so hard for me to be away from you. but anna had convinced me it would be the best thing for you. i dont know why i believed her. i think mostly because i had run out of options."
i love you jack. i want to get better. i dont know how, but i want to be better for you. i dont want you to see me like that ever again.
she loved me. i knew this of course, but it was always good to hear the words. i wasnt so much as grinning, but i knew i had a happy look on my face. i was overcome by and ugre to rip kat from the bed and hug her long and warmly. luckily i had some self control and didnt.
i settled down and kat closed her eyes and started to cry silent tears.

a week and a half later, kat was at home. i never left her side.
with determination, she told us all what she had planned- to get better on her own terms. it scared me so much, because, much as i hated to admit it, i knew she couldnt do it on her own. it was now my mission to stay with her all the time, whether we were at my place or hers. it was just school i was worried about.
but kat was determined- she had even gone so far as to write a list.

• tell jack what is going on in my head.
• do not cut. no excuses.
• try to think of a bright side of everything, no matter how unlikely it is.

i was dubious, but i needed to believe in kat if kat was ever going to believe in herself. she smiled at me then, a mindblowing, proud smile. my whole body felt as though it had been filled with warm honey. i wanted to cry- instead i took a mental picture of this image and stored it away forever.

KAT

it had been three weeks, six days and seven hours since i had been let out of the hospital. i hadnt cut once. mostly due to the thick swathe of bandages covering my arms, preventing me doing so, but i hadnt even cut anywhere else. the bright side to this was that it was making jack happy. that was the bright side to most of the things i had to look at. the downside was (and i never said this out loud) was that i felt like i was about to explode. i wanted to so much- i needed to. instead, jack would hold me around the wrists and i would try and break free, digging my short nails into my palms. it did no good, but i faked it so jack would feel like he was helping. he was. sort of. i guess i was just reluctant to try. i felt so helpless, despite all the help being extended to me. i was caged, and the only way i could get out was by proving that i wasnt going to top myself at the first bit of release.

jack hadnt left my side. normally, i would have loved this. but he wouldnt even leave to let me get dressed. he would turn around, but i was never alone, except for showering and bathroom breaks. it was like being in prison. i knew that it was either this or therapy- more like an institution- but i still couldnt warm up to the fact that i had at least on pair of eyes on me at all times. trapped, indeed.

Reckless (Part Five)

when i awoke, i was confused. i had sworn it was kat on the ambulance bed, not me. i smelt the hospital scent burning my nostrils, i heard the squeak of clean rubber shoes on clean linoleum floors, and i felt the authority i was under as i was instructed to lie back down when i realised i was on a gurney and tried to get up.
"what happened? is kat ok?"
"your friend is fine. you hit your head on the way down, but i think you will be ok. we are waiting on the x-rays now."
x-rays??? what was going on?
my confused expression must have alerted the nurse that i had no idea what was going on.
"sweetie, you brought your friend in, then you looked down at your clothes and collapsed. are you a bit tender around blood?" her voice was kindly, but her eyes held a certain hardness that could only be mocking.
"no," i said indignantly. "i think the shock just wore off, and i realised that i didnt know if kat was going to be alive." "well shes still unconscious, but we have her all taken care of. do you want to see her?"
"yes!" i sat up and jumped off the bed, only to grab it as my head spun and my knees shook, bringing me to my knees.
"yes well, youre not in any condition right now. ill get you some water and a banana and in fifteen minutes we will try that again. slowly. lay back down and i will be back in a moment."
i obeyed to make the room stop spinning. i closed my eyes and focused on concentrating. the sooner i could stand upright, the sooner i could see kat. something behind my right ear was throbbing away and i could tell that was where i had hit it. very slowly, i propped myself up on my elbows. it was only slight elevation, but the room and all its contents stayed put. i breathed in slowly and waited for a moment. gradually, i made my up to a sitting position before the nurse came back. she was holding a foam cup filled with water and a banana in her hands.
"well i hope you didnt do that all in one go. room spinning or are you feeling a bit better?"
"its not too bad. head hurts a little. i think i hit it when i fell."
"well the x-rays came back clear, so its probably just a bit bruised. take it easy for the next few days ok? eat that and then keep slowly trying to get up. ill be back in just a minute, dont go until i can see that youre going to be ok. then ill take you to your friends room. wont be long."
she left, her rubber shoes squeaking along the floor as she did.
i ate my fruit and drank my water before i tried getting up agian. i swung my legs over the edge and sat up straighter. slowly, i eased myself down to the ground, securely holding the bed for support. my legs were a little wobbly, so i stood for a minute before attempting to move. i was a little dizzy, but it disappeared after a moment. the nurse appeared, and we made our way carefully down the lobby and into the lift.
i held onto the rail in the elevator, and watched with horror as she pressed the button for intensive care unit. i realised it was what i couldnt give her and my stomach plummeted. but i held on tight so i wouldnt get sent back down and away from kat. we walked down a long hallway. it was so eerie- it was deadly silent. the only sound was the nurses horrible shoes and my soft padding in my sneakers.
it seemed an eternity before we reached kats room. it was closed with no window in the door. i walked in, keeping my eyes on the floor. i knew if i looked at her before i had something to collapse in, i would end up unconscious again. i sat down in the seat next to her bed while the nurse left us in peace. i raised my gaze and saw her. her skin was a pale grey, and tubes spewed from her nose and mouth and hands. there were thick bandages all the way up her arms as though she was in plaster casts. these casts contrasted strongly with the rest of her- there was hardly anything of her. she was so tiny and fragile- i hadnt really realised before. maybe it was her fragile state that made her look so helpless. her hair was matted with blood, though the nurses had cleaned up her face a bit. i hadnt noticed the tears staining my face until now, when one fell onto my hand as it reached for kats. i didnt know where to touch her- the tubes and bandages prevented me from doing so. instead, i pulled my chair closer and touched her face. her eyelids were a deep purple, and so were the bags under them. her lips were pale pink, almost white. she was so discoloured, she looked dead. i rested my head next to hers and wept myself to sleep.

Reckless (Part Four)

from there, things started to change.
not get better, not really, but kat was more honest with me. i knew she struggled with this. when i asked her how she was, she would always think about it before answering. she would screw up her nose and think about how she really was. if she couldnt find the right word for what was going on, she would tell me a little story about something similar, or a clever little analogy, which i would translate into words about feelings.
i always seemed to make her angry, for some reason. i think my reaction was never what she hoped for, or expected. either way, we fought so much with all the cards on the table like this. i hated arguing with her, but i was always the first one to buckle under the pressure of silent treatment. i was much too reluctant that she would take it all too seriously.
the hardest part was hearing her talk about self harm. i knew she thought about it, of course she did, but the regularity and brutality of these thoughts never failed to astound me. out of nowhere, she would announce that she wished there was a blade handy, or marvel at how deep her most recent cut was.
but it wasnt long until i didnt need to ask; a simple tilt of my head or arch or an eyebrow was all it took for her to explain why she wanted to die at that moment.

i remember kat calling me several months later.
"jack, we are going to counselling again."
well, i wasnt prepared for that one.
even on the phone, i didnt need to ask.
"mum wants me to go and i want to prove i cant be fixed with money. ill show her..."
i paused. two sides raged on inside me. good girl kat, dont go succumbing to your mother. shes a horrible person. or good girl kat, maybe you can open up to the therapist this time. but i said neither. instead, i assured her i would be there, and everything was going to be alright.

this time we had a new therapist. she was a bit younger, and smiled warmly. it reached her eyes, not just the corners of her mouth. the room was lighter and brighter. to lighten the mood however, i pounced on the big stereotypical couch and pretended to spill my guts. to my delight, kat joined in with me.
then we all sat down to start.
"hello, how are you both? my name is anna."
there was half a second between the last word out of her mouth and the first out of kats. with faux sincerity and enthusiasm, she replied "fine thanks, how are you?"
i shoved my elbow into her ribs. we werent going to get anywhere if she kept deflecting like that.
"kat just tell me how you really are. tell both of us. like you do with me. otherwise theres no point in us being here." i said. i looked at her, facing my whole body towards her, and urged her on with my eyes. she glared back at me. well, we both knew this was going to be hard. "just pretend its you and me here. like we are sitting on my bed at home."
her face relaxed a tiny bit. obviously, some memory had sprung to her head, thinking about my room and how much time we spent in it.
"it doesnt smell like you here. i cant relax."
i gawked at her inwardly. she was like a little kitten. i pulled off my sweatshirt and gave it to her. she buried her face in it, and spoke from there.
"today i feel numb. everything is surreal. it doesnt feel like im here, its like im on automatic. even though i havent been in here before or met you, i feel like im just going through the motions."
my chest expanded with exaltation. finally.
anna leaned forward slightly and smoothed her face. "now katherine, im going to ask you a few simple questions everytime you come here. so that youre prepared. the answers might change everytime, and they might not. firstly, i am going to ask you how you are. then i am going to ask you how the last week has been for you. and then i am going to ask you about self harm. and then i am going to ask about suicide."
i felt kat freeze beside me. my heart had thudded loudly to a halt as i waited. and waited. and waited- i elbowed her in the ribs again.
she scowled at me.
"you might as well. if you dont like her, dont come back." while saying that, i smiled apologetically over her shoulder to anna. kat was glowering by the time i lowered my gaze.
"fine." kat was just so stubborn.
"ok katherine-"
"its kat." i said.
"kat. when was the last time you harmed yourself?"
"two days ago."
"and why did you do it then?"
"me and mom had an argument."
"did you argue with you mother yesterday?"
"yes. most days."
"why didnt you harm yourself yesterday?"
"jack was there." this last answer shocked me. i didnt know i had had anything to do with her cutting habits.
there was silence in the room for a minute- kat must have thought we were waiting for her to explain, so she went on.
"he makes me not do it. i wouldnt ever dream of doing it in front of jack. i dont hurt as much with jack."
i gawked at her. she looked at me as though i was insane.
"what do you think would happen if jack suddenly wasnt there?"
"i would just go back to normal."
"really? if jack moved away, or died, would you really be able to just continue your life as though he was never in it?"
this i wondered also. kats mind was elsewhere. her eyes were unfocused and she seemed completely unaware of her surroundings. i realised she might have been imagining a scenario that anna had depicted a second ago.
the silence became too long, and anna spoke up.
"kat?"
"well, without jack, i wouldnt really be here. it wouldnt be worth living."
"kat, have you ever considered that this is an unhealthy relationship? putting your entire life on someone elses survival of their day to day life?"
kat didnt say anything. in fact, she didnt seem to be paying attention at all. she looked bored.
i glared at her. she had been doing so well, and her stubborness was preventing her from continuing to do so.
anna was obviously on the same page as me. when kat looked up, she saw the looks on our faces and apologised.
"katherine, can i see your scars?"
i knew that was a bad move.
kat got up and left the room without a noise.
as i moved to follow her, anna caught my eye and made me sit back down.
"jack, can we talk for a little bit? i get the feeling you just dont know how to help her."
"i just want her to stop wanting to die," i said sullenly. my hands were limp in my lap and i gazed down at them without seeing. my mind was split in two- one half was with kat, wondering how bad the cuts would be, and the other half was here, hoping to figure out how to help her.
"you cant make that happen. i know you want to, and from the sounds of things, if it were possible, you would have made her better long ago. but the descision is hers to make jack."
"i cant just wait. wait for her to try again, wait for her to die. i dont know if i can go on without her either."
"you wont have to. unfortunately, kat has to reach rock bottom before she can make her way up again."
"is this not rock bottom now? because its hell."
"no. she has you. that makes her life worth living. its what gets her through."
"so i have to leave her? is that what youre saying? because all thats going to do is kill her. im not leaving her."
"you have to jack. there is a way to do it though. it is going to hurt both of you. but in the end, kat will want to make the necessary changes."
"ill hear you out. i cant promise that i will follow through, but ill listen to what you have to say."
"distance yourself from her. disinterest, being busy, other priorities, they will all start to separate you both. this will no doubt cause curiousity for kat. you two have always been together, so this time apart will confuse her a lot, and will eventually ask you for an explanation. the hardest thing- you have to tell her you cant take it anymore. be cold. and then leave."
"no."
"why not?"
"because this itme she will end up killing herself."
"keep an eye on her. you know where she is and when. follow her home from a distance. call her house and ask her parents to check on her more regularly. its possible jack."
i sat and thought about it. i saw her eyes when i told her goodbye. a cold hand closed around my lungs and squeezed the air out until i was gasping. it was not possible. no way.
"i cant. i cant make her hurt like that."
"jack, have you ever heard the saying, 'its got to get worse before it can get better? that applies here. try it."
i thought about that now. i thought about kat coming in here to see anna. begging for help. begging to live.
"ok." the defeat was barely a noise.
i walked home, consumed by fear and dread. saying goodbye to kat was the one thing i vowed never to do to her. and now i was going to do it. in order to make her better. there was a huge chance that she could end up dead. both of us.
i walked straight home. despite thinking of nothing but kat, she was the last person i wanted to see right now.
i grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen, called out to my mother that i was home, then went to my room and shut the door. i put my food aside, then turned up my music. i needed to stop thinking. i focused on the music, on nailing the guitar chords (the few that i had remembered from guitar lessons when i was 13) and making up new lyrics. it didnt take long before i collapsed on my bed. unfortunately, it smelt like kat here. i groaned and turned off the music. ignoring it wasnt going to be any help. i needed to be cold. but tonight, i couldnt let her be alone. i didnt want her to cut.
the phone rang and i knew i hadnt thought enough about this. i didnt know how to be mean to kat.
"hey jack."
"hey." i put all my effort into sounding bored and angry.
"whats up? too cold for you?" her voice was light, as though this afternoon hadnt happened at all.
"no, not really." closed answers i could manage.
"where did you go then?" kat said. i could tell she was getting a little frustrated now.
"you shouldnt have run out like that, kat. it was really immature." ooh. that was a little harsh. insulting her probably wasnt the best idea. even though she had been acting quite childish.
"i wasnt about to sit there and have her ask about my scars jack." her tone implied there was no argument to her case.
"you could have just said no." i knew that would stump her. "look, i have to go, ill be over later ok?" i couldnt not see her. it would kill us both.
"sure, see you then."
i hung up, feeling hollow. my ears were ringing and my knees were suddenly very unstable.
all i knew was that if kat cut tonight, i would be uncontrollably angry.
i spent most of the night working on homework i couldnt focus on, and listening to music i suddenly hated. all the songs were our songs. i just wanted to stick my head in the sand until this was all made magically better.
at 11.pm, i pulled a jacket over my pjs and some old trainers and climbed out of the window. it was freezing, so ran fast. the wind whistled through my hair, numbing my face and stinging my eyes. i was still angry at kat for running out on me and grumpy because of what i was attempting to do. i knew anna would tell me i was doing this wrong by seeing her tonight, but i needed her to be ok.
i climbed the tree and jumped onto her roof. not bothering to be quiet, i shoved the window open and climbed in. her room smelt amazing. i inhaled it, remembering it forever. it made my head whirl a little. i removed my jacket and shoes and ducked under the covers. it was warm under here, her electric blanket was still on. the contrast between my hands and feet and hers was enough to give her goosebumps. i reached for her arms roughly and checked for fresh cuts. there werent any, to my great relief and surprise. i bundled her up in my arms and waited for sleep to come, setting my watch alarm before i drifted off. i buried my face in her hair, dreaming of a future we both wanted, but only half of us had dreamed about.

when my alarm went off, it was 5am. same as normal. reluctantly, i opened my eyes. kat was now facing me, her nose so close to mine i could feel her gentle breathing on my face. she looked so sad. it pained me to see her like this. it all brought back what had happened the day before. this could be the last time i ever did this. so i made it last. softly, silently, i lifted my hand and ran my fingers down her face, from her temple to her jaw. i closed my eyes and committed her scent to memory. i had to lose her, either way. i left silently. for anger to taint this image and this moment was to burn a perfect rose for simply being.

i walked home. i was so utterly devastated that i didnt even notice the icy air cutting at my nose. everything felt a dream; all i could see was kat. i could smell her and see her small face, crinkled in pain and sadness. this haunted her everywhere. it felt as though i was stepping in the natural path of things by making her stay alive. all for my own selfish needs. i didnt care. i needed kat. and she needed me, but i needed to find something to make her want to stay alive. anna was right.
i got home and into the shower. mom never minded that i came home at 5am every morning and left at 11pm. she knew exactly where i was. my hands and feet and face burned under the hot water. i stood there, lost in a daze, losing track of time. it wasnt until mom knocked on the door that i realised i had spent far too long there. my hands were wrinkly and i didnt feel any more resolved.
in my room, my diligent side took over and pulled out some homework. i managed to write a few hundred words for an essay that wasnt due until the following week, and half a page of algebraic equations. i was dressed and ready for school at seven o'clock. i flopped down the stairs to eat something.
"morning jack. everything ok?"
"not really. too much thinking going on, thats all."
my mother was an odd type. she worked at a bank, and had done since she left school. it was a secure job, and it paid for everything we needed. her personality, however, clashed outrageously with her job description.
she was an artist, though not limited to one field. out of our four bedroom house, one was mine. the rest were mini art studios. covered in mess, the house was a goldmine- if you could find your way through all of it. photographs in black and white covered the walls in some places, large canvases in others. oil, acrylic and watercolour, large small, abstract, modern. sculptures were everywhere- from little jewellery pots, to fully glazed plant pots. all her jewellery was hand made as well, in every colour bead possible. balls of wool littered the floor, pierced with knitting needles as stitch holders. fabrics and trims exploded out of sewing boxes everywhere, and our linen cupboard couldnt close due to the amount of quilts she had created. i loved it.
my mom was the understanding type- she let her sixteen year old son sneak in and out of the house and have his best friend sleep in his bed on a regular basis. we talked about my life, and she knew what was going on in kats life. she was more of a mother to kat than kats ever could be.
but even now, when i knew i should tell her, i couldnt bear to bring myself to break her heart by telling her what i was going to do. because i knew that my mother knew what it would do to kat.
instead of spilling my guts, i reached for the cereal and filled my bowl. then i put four slices of bread in the toaster. i was hungry, and it was a miracle amelia managed to feed me. i downed my breakfast, then finished getting ready. i glanced at my mirror on the way out. the huge bags under my eyes were a dead give away, and my untamed hair told secrets i would never divulge.
i took the long way to the corner, dragging my feet. nothing registered- if i hadnt walked it a million times before, i might have ended up lost. but i reached the corner and perched myself on the fence like normal. i waited for kat to turn up like normal. but instead of asking how she was as she approached, i merely glanced in her direction to acknowledge her and we began walking without a word.
the entire walk to school, i kept my eyes on my feet and my head in my thoughts. i could tell she was getting sick of it but i didnt act first. as we neared the school gates, she gave up and asked.
"whats wrong jack? are you still angry at me for walking out yesterday?"
"what?" i looked up at her reluctantly.
"are you angry at me from yesterday still?" her brow was furrowed and she was getting angrier by the second. i had to leave before i succumbed to her eyes begging me to stay and explain. i was glad to see the gate to my school and parted ways with her.
"oh, sure. see you later, kat." i walked away from her, resisting the urge to turn back and see what she was thinking. i walked to class and fought back the tears. at an all boys school, crying was strictly forbidden. so i held it back all day.
at lunch time, i text kat. i knew, either way, her day was going terribly. "DONT CUT KAT. DONT." i had the feeling the knife would be in her hands and sliding through her scarred flesh as soon as i sent the message.

the walk home was just as bad as the way to school this morning. as we approached the corner, i quickly made an excuse for not seeing her that night.
"i wont be over tonight kat, i have a big math assignment with connor." lie.
"oh, me too, will you come over tonight?" she looked slightly put out by this.
"no, i need some sleep." lie again.
"you sleep at my house just fine." her frown was deep and her eyes were darkened by anger.
"i cant, kat. talk later, bye." i turned to leave her then, but paused and spun around, wrenching her sleeves up. surely enough, there were fresh gaping cuts that had barely stopped bleeding. "i told you not to. is there any point in me trying anymore?" i wanted her to hurt. this was hurting me so much, how could she not see it? i wanted her to hurt for making me hurt. i knew it was the anger talking, but i didnt care. at that moment, i wanted her to see how much this was cutting me up.
the second i got home, i text kat again. i knew it wasnt going to do any good, but i did it anyway. "DO. NOT. CUT. AGAIN. SERIOUSLY KAT, I HATE IT."
there was no reply, and i knew her hands were busy.

i spent that night working on homework, and when that was done, i studied for exams that werent looming for a few months yet. i had turned off my cell and unplugged my house phone. i had heavy music playing to try and drown out the sound of my thoughts.
when the window opened at ten thirty, i jumped. normally, if kat and i were on better terms, she would be here at 11. but now she was not only early, but uninvited. or more, unwanted. i didnt want to have to send her home or give her an explanation. i wanted her to curl up in my bed with me and nurse her wounds.
"what are you doing here, kat?" i knew. she wanted an explantaion, and the one i had to offer was not going to be what she wanted to hear.
"im sick of you acting so weird. whats going on?" god she was so adorable when she tried putting her foot down. focus.
"you would know if you had stuck around yesterday. im distancing myself from you, and im going to see anna agin next week to tell her how youve been without me." there. i had all my cards on the table.
"why? why would you do that to me?" she was bewildered, her voice reduced to a mere squeak.
"you need to get better kat. its not going to happen if i let you cut all the time, if youre not going to let me help you in any way i know how. you wont go to therapy, and most certainly not on your own. anna said when you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. im stopping you from hitting rock bottom. so dont come over for a while kat. dont meet me at the trail, dont meet me at the corner. and i wont text you or call you. hit rock bottom, kat, and ill see you when you start making your way back up."
again i fought back the tears. i hadnt wanted to die before now. now i wanted to leave kat here and just stop being so bad for her. but i needed to be strong, because kats knees suddenly gave way. it was a miracle i was still standing too, but i held her up. i ached to hold her and cry with her until she fell asleep but i didnt. i sat her down, pulled on shoes and a coat, and took her home. i couldnt bear waiting for her to get to sleep. being in her room was making my skin burn. my mouth was dry. i knew that if i wanted to scream, no sound would come out.
i staggered home and walked through the front door. i collapsed in my bed, tired from carrying kat, and from the draning effort it took to turn my best friend away. now she had no one.
i had no one either.

when i woke up, i dressed and left. i had slept in, and so i got to the corner just as i saw kat leaving. i kept my distance to keep an eye on her. at least she was alive still.

the days dragged on. it was a ritual. watch kat on the way to school, watch her on the way home, and call her parents at 10.30 to make them check she was ok.

the morning kat didnt turn up at the trail, i waited. maybe she was late. i waited for twenty minutes, but i knew what was happening. kat was never late. i just didnt want to see the haunting image i knew i would see if i walked through her bedroom window.
but i did it. i climbed in, nearly slipping on her blood, and bandaged her up after calling an ambulance. i was slightly calmer this time. i assumed i was in shock. they piled her up in the ambulance while i wrote a brief note- at hospital again. early this morning. jack. then sat calmly next to kats dying body in the vehicle as they rushed to the hospital.
as it turned out, i was in shock, despite being prepared for it. when it wore off, i looked at my blood-soaked clothes and passed out.

Reckless (Part Three)

So i continued to watch kat injure herself, never letting her know how much it was hurting me. there were days when i nearly screamed at her, explicitly asking why she did it, and some days i wanted to just curl up in bed and not deal with it. some days i just wanted to be able to have my own bad day. her moods would always throw me off, and i was always left with my mouth hanging open, wondering what on earth just happened. my aim in our relationship was to be reliable and even tempered. i was the one person who never judged her. it was a struggle to maintain this.

the day kat tried to kill herself, i nearly died. in the morning, i had been playing computer games at her house, and i had left my memory card at her house. it had been about two hours since i had left the first time, so i ran back over, not really watching where i was going. it was a route i had taken countless times, it was something i could do in my sleep. until i ran out onto the always quiet road and almost got hit by a car. the driver was speeding around the corner, and i was speeding across the road. it was both of our faults, but the driver insisted on screaming abuse and threatening calling the police. i rolled my eyes and kept running.
i was meant to be home doing chores for mum, but i figured she wouldnt notice if i kept my music playing and didnt take long. i climbed up the tree outside kats window- what a silly idea. what parent has a tree outside their teenage daughters window? really now?- and lifted her window. at first i didnt see her, as my eyes adjusted to the dark room compared to the bright harsh sunlight outside. then i smelt the alcohol. i knew kat wasnt a fan of the stuff. she had it a few times, but didnt like the taste or the burning sensation of strong liquor. then i saw her and i nearly died. she was covered in thick red blood. it was already starting to dry around the outside, but it was still pouring from her arms. the wooden floor was slippery and the empty bottle of pills was on the floor. i grabbed the bottle and put it in my pocket, then ripped her pillowcases off her pillows and wrapped them tightly as i could around her wrists and arms. i called the ambulance and then waited. i knew the urgency in my voice was clear, but the time it took for them to get there could have been the difference between life and death. it was then that i knew what would happen. if kat died, i would too. there was no two ways about it. i simply couldnt go on without her.

when kat woke up days later, my heart burst with relief. i could see the disappointment in her eyes and could tell that she hadnt intended on living through this. sheer shock ran through me when i realised for one split second that a part of me wished i hadnt saved her. let me put it this way- she was miserable being alive. all she thought of and dreamt of was dying. i took her dreams away from her. but essentially i was selfish. i wanted her to be alive, because i knew i couldnt go on without her. so now i swallowed my human nature and quietly answered her questions.

for five days i sat by kats bed. i hated hospitals. they smelt so bad, exactly how a bad memory is supposed to smell. i knew this smell would haunt me everywhere i went. if i broke my arm skating and went to the emergency room, i would smell the scent of disinfectant and fear and death and be immediately rushed back here, where my best friend lay, unconscious. she had come so close to dying. this was not a place i ever wanted to be. i had imagined it many times before. but the reality was so much worse than the imaginary. the highlight of it all was when kat squeezed my hand. it was always when my head was getting away on me. emotional breakdowns. out of nowhere, kat would very very gently squeeze my hand. i knew it was her way of calming me. she wasnt even awake, but she knew i was going through hell.
it always surprised me, because i was hoping so much that she would wake up. the nurse explained to me that it was a lot like sleep walking. except she wasnt walking, she was just letting me know she was going to be ok. it soothed me, and the nurses calm clear voice made it better. her calling was definitely as a nurse. the moment where kat let me know everything was ok, i always looked up. i had so much hope- i needed her to wake up so badly. when i looked up and saw her looking back at me, i nearly burst open. i was so filled with emotions i couldnt even identify that i couldnt even speak at first. kat spoke instead. it was the sureness of her words that made me certain she had been awake longer than she let on.
"jack. i love you jack. and im sorry."
"i love you too kat. why did you do it? why didnt you call me? i would have been there in one minute. i know i cant make it better, but does this make it any better? you spent your seventeenth birthday here, nearly dead." my words came out in a rush- it was as though i had only a tiny amount of time left to tell her everything i could. this urge needed to go away. i knew if i didnt calm down, kat would see the desperation and fear in my voice and panic. so, taking a tip from the nurse before, i made my voice soothing, like aloe vera on sunburn. i inhaled and exhaled before i looked up.
kat was looking at her surroundings. she looked confused, which in turn confused me. surely she knew she would end up in a hospital if she didnt reach her goal? unless she hadnt thought about that. which would have surprised me. because kat was a stickler for attention to detail. everything she could control, was made perfect. so in theory, her death would have been a perfect sucess. i didnt have time to focus on that though, because kat was looking into my blank eyes with tears welling. i figured i should explain, because being unconscious for that long, people generally tend to want to know whats been going on while they werent present in the world.
"they had to pump your stomach, and give you a blood transfusion or two. they said you were going to be sore when you wake up. are you in much pain?" it felt as though someone had winded me, as i realised she would be in so much pain. not only emotional- she failed the only dream she ever had- but physical too. i struggled to remain in the conversation and keep her calm- i would panic later.
"not that the doctors can fix. how long?"
as she said the words, i worked to ignore the lack of air that made me want to scream as the pain of her pain beat me up.
"today is thursday. you have been here since saturday. so, about five days."
kat didnt say anything, so i hesitantly took her fragile hand in mine. they were cold and clammy; i could tell she was stressed. there were tubes coming out of the back of her hands, and bandages al the way up her arms. i could see a faint brown tinge in some places. more pain, so i began rubbing small circles into the back of her hand. it soothed me, and i hoped it would have the same effect on her.
out of nowhere, kat decided to give me a tiny detail. i lapped it up, knowing it was a rarity. "i was going to write a note, but i didnt know what to say."
this sort of shocked me. i would have thought that she would have left me a note. or maybe i just liked to think that she would have. i was just so curious, it pained me that if she had succeeded, i would hever have unraveled the mysteries that kat kept hidden in her head.
i took a breath and let it out quietly, so that kat wouldnt know it was a sigh.
"did you do it intending to die, kat?" i kept my eyes on my fingers which were still rubbing small soft circles into kats small soft hands.
"yeah. yeah i did jack. failure, right?"
sort of, i thought. but im so happy you failed this one thing.
"not a failure. im so glad i found you. worst thing ive seen in my life, but i found you just in time."
"i wish i had got it right. im going to have to face everyone now. oh god what did my parents say?"
this was something i didnt want her to know. at least not the details.
"they... well they were genuinely shocked kat." that would suffice. the last thing she needed was to know how angry they had been at her. as though that wouldnt send her back to insanity.
"really? did they not have the slightest idea that something was wrong?" she hung her head, thinking.
i let her think for a while, while i thought. her parents had some clue, of course. but they didnt want to delve. the fear of finding something they couldnt fix with money terrified them. and so they gave her space, which is what they thought would be best. apparently not. i wondered if they would change their habits now, if an attempted suicide would wake them up and drive common sense into them. unfortunately, kats parents werent ones to learn from their mistakes.
i looked up at kat. her head was still down, but her eyes were on me, carefully analysing my face and trying to decipher what it was that she saw. at that moment, i had no idea what was written in my eyes, on the shape of my mouth, in the angle of my eyebrows. i simply knew that letting kat out of my sight was going to be nearly impossible. i was quite content with never leaving her side.


upon leaving the hospital, kat was told that she was to go and see a psychologist. this scared me. kat would never do it, and the thought of being made to would surely send her over the edge. i grasped her hand tightly. i needed to protect her. i wasnt sure how to do it, but i figured this would be one hell of a step. she needed me as much as i needed her to be alive.
"ill be right next to you the whole time kat, dont you worry." i pushed every ounce of sincerity into my eyes. she needed to believe everything was going to be alright, and i wanted to be the one to make her. a big tear welled in her eye until she blinked it away and nodded.


it was later that week that we had kats first therapy session. i was nervous about it. i wasnt sharing my past, but kats past was entwined into mine so much that i was wound tight enough, that at the first prod, i was sure to explode. so we entered and sat down. the chair was uncomfortable- the small room was built to look prestigious, but had missed due to the cheap imitation leather and terribly mismatched fittings. off to a bad start in my mind. it was dark; dimly lit by several different lamps. i supposed they were aiming at a warm comforting feel.
the lady in front of us was in her late fifties. she was still attempting to hide her graying hair with peroxide- her dark roots were emerging from her scalp. her skin was not terrible- i few wrinkles here and there, but her lips were thin. she looked intolerant and stressed. much like a stroppy school principal.
we got settled, and all introduced ourselves. kat was gripping my hand tightly, and i was holding hers much the same.
"so katherine. why did you decide to kill yourself?"
i felt kat wilt next to me and that was it. i exploded.
"who the hell do you think you are? who are you to just spit it out like that? tactless bitch, how dare you?" i was on my feet, one of my hands clenched into a fist, the other was still hoding kats. she did not try and pull me back down, she just made sure i didnt move forward.
taken aback, the therapist looked at me, completely stunned. "i... i apologise jack. perhaps that wasnt the wisest of words. i am so very sorry, both of you."
i took a deep breath. kat gently tugged at my hand and i sat down, holding both of her hands now. she rubbed patterns in the back of my hands to soothe me, and it worked.
the rest of the session went badly. after we had calmed down, she asked kat how she had got to this point. after a few silent minutes, kat sighed and said she didnt know.
another flame of anger lit up- the womans eyes lit up with dollar signs. this girl was clearly damaged. many therapy sessions to cure this one. it took a lot for me to stay seated.
five more sessions followed this one. each time, kat seemed anxious. she never gave any information out at all. most of her answers were 'i dont know'. i was proud of her for this- i wanted her to be safe from this woman. she didnt seem trustworthy, and i was happy kat saw this too.
on the downside, kat didnt seem to be getting any better. when her bandages came off, she started cutting again right away. i could hardly believe it.
kat started missing therapy. at first she was sick. which was believable because she had been feeling unwell the past couple of days. on the other hand, she might have been putting in more effort so we would let her out of it.
the next week she had a big assignment due. which was pulled out on the day of therapy- it wasnt something she had been working on at all until that point.
the third week she just disappeared. we all tried calling her, and i went out looking for her, but she came home three hours later, claiming to have lost track of time. for some reason i was mad at her.
at therapy, i was happy she kept quiet. but when she didnt show up, it made me nervous, as though she was heading further downhill. but i ignored the feeling, and remained close by her side.
the night after she 'lost track of time', she came over to my house. we were listinging to her favourite song after watching a movie, sprawled out on my sunken bed.
"kat, you really dont like therapy do you?"
she rolled her eyes. i couldnt see, but i knew she was. it was so obvious.
"no, jack i hate it. she so fake. how can i spill my guts to someone i can see right through?"
i grinned triumphantly. i was happy kat saw her as she was. though she couldnt see my face.
but how was she going to get better? how was the cutting going to stop? everytime i left her, my bones were chilled in fear of never seeing her again. my dreams were filled with images of her lying on her floor, covered in blood and dying. i needed to find a way to make her get better. this was not the way to do it, by seeing a psychologist who thought more about money than kat. we both needed to wake up and make changes. i just didnt know what they were.
filled with a sudden fierce desire to make kat want to live, i growled "i just want you to stop wanting to die."
when i looked up at her, my eyes were filled once again with the burning sincereity that i used only to make her trust me. i was determined to make her see what i saw in her.
she seemed to be thinking about her reply. something in her eyes made her look defeated.
"so do i jack. so do i."

Reckless (Part Two)

"well, without jack, i wouldnt really be here. it wouldnt be worth living." my voice was so low i could barely hear it. then anna spoke, and i realised it was because my ears were blocked up. i opened my mouth to try and make them unblock, like you do on planes. when i started hearing again, i wished i hadnt.
"-considered that this is an unhealthy relationship? putting your entire life on someone elses survival of their day to day life?"
at that point i made a mental note not to come back. this was humiliating. she didnt understand, she was just trying to make me feel bad about myself so i backed off of jack and stood on my own two feet. sure, i could see where she was coming from, but it was so not the right way to go about it.
everyone in the room realised i wasnt listening by then. i looked up at jack. he looked angry. anna looked impatient.
"sorry" i said, not sorry at all.
"katherine," anna was now using my full name again. i knew it wasnt an accident- this was serious business right here. i mentally rolled my eyes at her. "can i see your scars?"
i lifted an eyebrow at her. the look on her face convinced me that she was deadly serious. so i got up and walked out of the room.

i kept walking. i wasnt sure where i was going, and i knew jack was following me at a lengthy distance, but i didnt turn back. i just let my mind and my feet wander.a red hot fury was burning at the forefront of my mind, and i wasnt sure if it was tear or anger. questions kept leaping to the forefront of my mind. i desperately wanted to send them packing, but i knew i wouldnt be left alone anytime soon. before i knew it, i was at the park. the afternoon was just dissappearing and evening was settling in slowly. a few shards of light poked out from clouds that were sitting on the horizon, and the deep grey clouds that hung thickly above assured everyone that this was the last sunshine we would see for a few days. that was fine by me. the weather in this town always seemed to match my mood. i sat down in my old spot- the one where i first met jack, up behind the skateboard bowl in the depth of the trees.
i wasnt sad, i was angry. at everything. i knew i was wrong, and that made it worse. but i didnt want anyone to see my arms. i still didnt know if my mother had seen them when i was in hospital. i hoped she hadnt, because i didnt want her to, but a small part of me wished she had, and gotten a wake up call. i sat on the damp ground, feeling the leaves lend their moisture to my jeans. i wondered briefly where jack was. he could have been waiting for me at the bottom of the hill in the skateboard bowl, or back at my house. i perked up a little after some time on my own. i figured i should have been home by now if i had stayed the whole time at therapy, so i slowly got up and made my way down the hill, wiping leaves and dirt away as i went. my eyes automatically searched for jack when i came out of the trees. it didnt surprise me that he wasnt there, i figured it was cold and he probably went home or to my house.
when i got home, my mom appeared and opened her mouth, about to ask all about it. i silenced her with a glare and stormed off to my room.
my bedroom was small. i liked it better that way. it was covered in posters and pictures of me and jack over the past couple of years. there were large quantities of them that involved me falling off a skateboard and jack laughing hysterically behind me. there was a lock on my bedside table drawer where i had sneakily made a stash of blades. there was a small hollow in the side of the wood where i had carved out (with a blade, ironically enough) and it could nicely fit three single blades. they were my emergency blades, in case jack found all my other ones. they were everywhere in my room. in the corner of my room at the foot of my bed, my schoolbag lay half open, exposing unfriendly reminders of the homework i was putting off. underneath that lay pairs and pairs of converse. most of them were the standard hi-top black and white style, but there were a few other colours here and there. i had inherited a few from jack as he grew out of his. they were all worn in to perfection and, to my mother, all ready for the bin. i flopped onto my bed and picked up the phone that sat on my bedside table. i dialled the number without even paying attention- the phone wasnt hi-tech enough to remember numbers, so i punched the number in everytime i rang.
"hey jack."
"hey." i frowned at his voice. he was distracted and grumpy.
"whats up? too cold for you?"
"no, not really."
"where did you go then?"
"you shouldnt have run out like that, kat. it was really immature."
wow. talk about kicking you when youre down. "i wasnt about to sit there and have her ask about my scars jack."
"you could have just said no."
i stopped. why was he taking her side? that wasnt fair, he was supposed to be my friend, not hers.
"look, i have to go, ill be over later ok?"
"sure, see you then." and then the line when dead.
it was only getting dark now, but i curled up and went to sleep. i wasnt hungry enough to wait for dinner, and i knew that if i stayed awake i would only dwell on the confusing afternoon i had just had. and if jack came over and i had bloody arms again i think he would have gone mental. so i curled up on my bed and threw the covers right up to my ears. i snuggled right into the corner where i felt the most safe (in my house anyway) and dozed off.

when i awoke, jack was pulling the covers over himself. it was just past eleven. i didnt have to look at the time to know this. i shivered as his cold legs brushed against mine. his icy fingers searched for my arms and inspected them, same as every night. satisfied, he bundled me up in his arms and we drifted off together. it didnt bother me then that he hadnt said a word, that he was perhaps a little rougher than normal with my wrists, or that he hadnt made the effort to keep the noise down as he entered my window. i simply put all my worries to bed as i nodded off into a dreamless sleep.

after my needlessly early night, i woke early. i had turned in my sleep and was now facing jack. he looked so adorable when he had his eyes shut, with tiny little frown lines on his forehead. he was always worrying, even in his sleep. his lips were slightly parted and he looked deep in sleep. i lefted my head slightly to look over his shoulder at my alarm clock. i had another two hours until i needed to get up- it wasnt even 5am yet. i sighed at let my head fall to the pillow. i knew i should have gotten up and showered, but it was far too warm under my blankets to want to move. i wondered if that was how jack felt everytime he snuck out early in the morning. i hated wondering about jack. after so long, i knew most things about him, except the thoughts he retained in his head. i knew there was a lot he didnt say to me, and it frustrated me so much. my eyes began to close without my knowledge, and i realised i probably should make the most of it. i fell back into a sleep deep enough that i didnt hear jack leave.

jack met me at our corner spot and we began our walk to school. he was distracted; that much was obvious. i decided not to ask, to let him tell me in his own time. we walked in silence to school, and i surmised that he was still angry at me for walking out of therapy yesterday. just before we parted ways, i asked him, too fed up to wait any longer for an explanation.
"whats wrong jack? are you still angry at me for walking out yesterday?"
"what?" his head snapped up, as though he hadnt been paying attention at all. completely distracted.
"are you angry at me from yesterday still?"
"oh, sure. see you later, kat."
and then he walked through his school gates towards his friends.
this was a terrible start to the day, and it only got worse.
in english, the teacher called on me to read a passage and i hadnt even had my book out. the whole class snickered and whispered vindictively at my absence of attention.
in maths, we were assigned a partner assignment and a partner, and i was the odd one out. the whole assignment was on me, and i didnt even get an extension on the work.
in PE i tripped and fell down so many times i barely had the strength to get up again. generally it was a terrible day. so at lunch time i went to the bathroom and took out my blade. sitting on the toilet seat, my cell phone started buzzing in my pocket. it was jack, of course. "DONT CUT KAT. DONT."
well, after this morning, i decided that i had had a bad enough day to do something about it. so i slipped the blade against my bumpy, scarred skin and let the blood flow.

after school, i met jack by the trail. he hardly looked at me as we drew closer. he said nothing as we walked, until we got to our corner.
"i wont be over tonight kat, i have a big math assignment with connor."
"oh, me too, will you come over tonight?"
"no, i need some sleep."
"you sleep at my house just fine."
"i cant, kat. talk later, bye." he turned to leave, but paused and turned around. he grabbed my arm and lifted my sleeve. i kept my head low.
"i told you not to. is there any point in me trying anymore?"
his voice was glum and bitter. he turned and walked away before i had a chance to reply. it felt as though he had just slapped me.
dragging my feet, i walked the rest of the way home. big, ugly tears fell onto my cheeks and onto the ground from there. i grabbed an apple from the fruitbowl in the kitchen before i ran upstairs. that would be enough for dinner tonight i decided. my phone was buzzing again in my pocket before i got to my bedroom door- jack again. "DO. NOT. CUT. AGAIN. SERIOUSLY KAT, I HATE IT."
yeah right, i thought, and lifted my bedpost to remove a blade.

at ten thirty that night, i put down my math assignment and put on warmer clothes. i needed to talk to jack, and he hadnt been answering his phone. i got the funny feeling i wouldnt be welcome to stay the night, so i prepared to walk home again instead of staying in my pyjamas.
i prised his window open, though i didnt need to. amelia knew we snuck out, and would have gladly let me in the front door, but we both liked the idea of climbing through windows better than walking through front doors. he looked genuinely shocked that i turned up.
"what are you doing here, kat?"
"im sick of you acting so weird. whats going on?"
"you would know if you had stuck around yesterday. im distancing myself from you, and im going to see anna agin next week to tell her how youve been without me."
i gaped at him. he was turning against me? why?
"why? why would you do that to me?"
"you need to get better kat. its not going to happen if i let you cut all the time, if youre not going to let me help you in any way i know how. you wont go to therapy, and most certainly not on your own. anna said when you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. im stopping you from hitting rock bottom. so dont come over for a while kat. dont meet me at the trail, dont meet me at the corner. and i wont text you or call you. hit rock bottom, kat, and ill see you when you start making your way back up."
my eyes swam. my head swam. my knees gave way and i fell forward. jack caught me and put my on the edge of his bed. then he pulled on shoes and a jacket and led me downstairs. we left through the front door. he walked me home, and then left as soon as i was in bed. i was too numb to cut then, but i knew this would hurt beyond anything i knew in the morning. i didnt sleep, so i curled into the corner and stared at the wall until morning.
like a zombie, i got dressed the next day and walked to school. on the way down the trail, the tears started. they flowed down my cheeks quietly. my chest felt as though it had been ripped open, exposing me to the world. i kept my hood up and ignored everyone. everyone avoided me.

my life continued in the same fashion again for the next couple of days, before it was too hard to take. it was a monday morning, and i told my mom i wasnt feeling well. once she and my father had left for work, i stole more pills, drank more vodka and cut more than i ever had before in my life.

i wasnt sure who had found me that time. i awoke in the hospital again, immediately feeling the weight of failure wash over me. i heard my mother talking to a nurse on the background somewhere. from what i could tell, she was crying and asking about better therapy for me. i didnt care. i wanted to die, and it looked as though i was going to have to try better methods.
i opened my eyes and gasped in horror.
jack sat on the chair next to my bed. his face was bleak and pale, streaked down his cheeks with tears run dry. his eyes were shut, he looked as though he was asleep. another gash of fear ripped through me. what if he had found me? again? worse still, what if he blamed himself? i felt sick. i still wanted to die. i was simply causing jack pain by being here. i moaned softly. the action caused a roar of fire to rip through my throat. it was as though someone shoved a white hot branding iron down my throat, covered with coarse sand paper. i supposed they had pumped my stomach again. the small sound caused jack to stir. i held my breath, hoping he wouldnt wake. no shock to me, luck was not on my side. jacks eyes opened slowly, and he looked at me. his eyes had never held so much pain and sadness. it was as though i had died.
"kat." he breathed my name, but did not press it further.
i wanted to answer him but my throat protested. talking was not an option. so i focused instead on making my face look how i felt. it was difficult, to say the least. my eyes watered, and i couldnt tell if it was tears of pain or if i was crying. he must have noticed i was trying to communicate with him, because he dragged the chair up to my hospital bed and grabbed my hands, being gentle with my bandaged arms.
"its ok kat im here. and im not leaving you."
these were words i wanted to hear. mostly.
i got sick of not being able to talk very quickly, an motioned for a pen and paper.
jack fished around in the drawer in the bedside table and handed it to me. with weak hands i began to write.
being around me is hurting you. you cant save me.
"and by not being around you for a few days, you almost die. again. i would rather be worried but know where you are than being out of your life."
who found me?
"me. i didnt walk to school with you, but i waited til you got to the corner and walked a short way behind you. when you didnt show up, i went straight to your house. jesus, kat. it was so hard for me to be away from you. but anna had convinced me it would be the best thing for you. i dont know why i believed her. i think mostly because i had run out of options."
i love you jack. i want to get better. i dont know how, but i want to be better for you. i dont want you to see me like that ever again.
the look on jacks face as he read it was indescribable. intense joy spread over his face, and something else i couldnt quite read. it looked as though he wanted to do or say something but decided against it. instead he sat on the edge of his seat, staring at my arms, deep in thought. i didnt mind him staring quite so much. it still bugged me, but not enough to pull my arms away and hide them under the sheet. he rubbed gentle circles into my fingers like he had last time and i started to cry. it wasnt a particular reason that made me cry, it was more about the fact that jack still cared enough to stick around while i made him watch me nearly die, twice. i wanted desperately to hug him, but the mess of tubes held me back. so instead i silently cried while he silently thought.

it was longer this time before they let me go home. i saw them when they changed my bandages once. the nurses were all so nice to me, it was making it all worse. i made the mistake of looking down one afternoon as the nurse came in to change them. huge red line covered my arms all the way up. i hadnt realised i had gone so far, but i couldnt look away. the lines were raised and still very open. i longed to pull them open and watch the blood rise to the surface and spill over. but i was under constant surveillance now, and the bandages prevented me from getting up to any mischief. so i continued to watch as the nurse carefully cleaned my self inflicted wounds and applied a cream to them. then she wrapped fresh gauze around them and left quietly. jack had gone home to shower and sleep on his own bed for a couple of hours, and i was now alone. not for long. i was joined by my mother soon after. a thick layer of dread washed over me. then i remembered i couldnt talk, so i calmed down.
"jack hardly leaves, so i thought i should make the most of it while he isnt here. you need to stop hurting that boy one way or another."
i paused before reaching for the pad and pen again.
im going to get better. for jack.
"oh. well. i guess we will do what we can to help you. just ask us."
i smiled weakly at her before she left.

when i got home, i told my mom, dad, amelia and jack that i wanted to try getting better without therapy. they grimly accepted, but warned me that the slightest slip up would result in intense thrapy that would be unavoidable. i sat down with jack one afternoon at his house and made a list. it was a to do list.

• tell jack what is going on in my head.
• do not cut. no excuses.
• try to think of a bright side of everything, no matter how unlikely it is.

it was a short list, but i knew it would be hard to keep to. but i agreed to it, and jack smiled a little. i added one of my on to the list, but didnt write it down- smile more. i knew it made him happy to see me smile.

JACK

so my best friend was suicidal.

we met one afternoon when she ran past a group of my friends. she barely seemed to notice us there, despite everyone cat-calling to her. after everyone else wanted to leave, i followed her into the trees. she was crying still, but it didnt make her look any less beautiful. she was small, very petite, and wore an enormous hoodie over her jeans. her converse stuck out at the bottom and matched mine. at that moment i decided that, whether she wanted me around or not, i wasnt going to leave her. she needed someone and i wanted that someone to be me.

i was the one who kept her safe. safe from herself, because she was her own worst enemy. she took so long to trust me. i had to learn to guess what was on her mind by looking at her face, and that was extremely difficult, given that she had devoted her time and energy into concealing her thoughts and feelings. asking her was no good- she lied automatically. i picked up on the tiny signs that gave her away each time- a slight twitch of her left eyebrow indicated she was annoyed. she would glance to the right when she was scared. she swallowed when she was angry. i knew for a fact that these were all things she had overlooked while practising her poker face. it worked to my benefit.

gaining her trust was another mission in itself. i tuned up at the corner to walk her to school every day, even when i was too sick to get out of bed. i did it, because, if i didnt, she would run. i would sneak out of my house most nights and check on her in her room. my mother knew i snuck out- she told me to use the front door, but i liked the thrill of leaving through the window. kats mom didnt know she snuck out, or i snuck in. personally, i think she would have had a meltdown if she ever did realise. kats mom was one of the major reasons kat was the way she was. her older brother had flown the nest long ago, but was still the centre of attention. kat had never been praised, or even noticed. she had decent grades, and her attendance record was strong. but kat never wanted attention, just approval. it broke my heart that her own mother had sent her to rock bottom.

i remember the first time kat told me about her desire to die. we were at her house one weekend, studying for a test. i was struggling a lot, and in frustration, i cried out "kill me now!"

to my shock, kat then said, in a completely serious voice- "me too. living is unbearable."

i gawked at her for the tiniest second, and then carried on with the practise quiz like i hadnt heard her.

several weeks later, she lightly mused over the idea of self harm. "i wonder what it would be like. do you think it would hurt that much?" for days, i heard these words in my head, worrying constantly if she was going to do it. so i started checking. subtly at first. and then i got the call that i knew was looming. we were at school, and she didnt even mention what she had done. when i saw her, she held her arms to me and looked away. i removed the makeshift tourniquet and tears sprang to my eyes. i held them back, but my heart had been broken. i knew she wasnt going to stop. now that the skin had been broken, she was on a rollercoaster ride that wasnt going to end.

instead of preventing it, because i knew i couldnt, i simply cleaned up after her. when she lay in her room late at night, bleeding and empty, i would climb beside her in bed and be with her so she wouldnt be alone. one time, she cut so bad it just wouldnt stop bleeding. the next day i went to the school nurse and asked her to show me how to do stitches. i explained my situation, and, concerned as she was, showed me how to patch up my best friend. i knew she would never go herself, so i would turn up at her house with a tiny first aid kit filled with bandages, plasters, and surgical style needle and thread. i was nervous the first time, and kat was shocked, but i pulled the stitches closed gently but securely like the nurse had shown me and wrapped bandages around her tiny arms. the cuts made their way slowly but steadily up her arms as she ran out of space to cut. it ripped my heart open everytime she did it, but i never said a word. she was too fragile to handle my feelings as well as her own.

Reckless (Part One)

he was my best friend.

the nights that i slipped up, when i would call him with nothing to say, he would climb in my window and hug me until the tears ran dry and i fell asleep.

it all started when we had met when we were 14. i was having one of those days and i had gone for a walk.
my chuck taylors stuck out from under my jeans, which were artfully tattered around the bottoms. i wore my favourite hoodie- it was several sizes too big for me, and i wore it now with the hood up. i kept my head down to avoid questions, but as i walked past the skateboard bowl i caught the attention of the boys skating there. i heard no words, just that they were calling out at me. i headed into the thick trees up on the hill towards my usual spot, never looking back at them.
i never noticed the passing of time, or the thick fat tears that were flying down my cheeks until i looked up. everything was silent now, and someone stood before me. the first thing i noticed was his shoes. they were identical to mine. faded jeans hung over them, and he wore a band t-shirt. when i looked at his face, there was so much concern in his eyes that i nearly threw up.
"want to talk?" he offered me gently.
"nothing is wrong. i have nothing to say." it was then that i saw the skateboard in his hands. he was one of the boys from earlier, when i had walked past.
"well then i am going to sit here with you until you want to talk or until those tears stop." his name was jack. and he did. from then on, he would sit with me, riding out the storm. and it had got a hell of a lot worse before it had started to get better...

********************


the first time it happened, i was at school. it was late in the fall, i was 15, and everything had been going worse than normal. normal for me, anyway. a teacher picking a fight with me, the girls in PE laughing at my lack of co-ordination and friends. it all built on the foundations that had long since been there. lack of sleep was a constant- i had realised i was terrible at it. i hated sleeping during the night time, often staying awake until 3 or 4am. which was fine, until i was forced to get up and go to school the next day at 6:45am. like that wasnt bad enough, my parents were constantly fighting with me and each other, favouring instead my older brother. he had moved out of home a couple of years ago, but their attention was still strongly focused on him. then there was school- my own personal hell. i happened to go to a school in a small town, where everyone had known everyones business and parents and it never changed. where it was essential to be in the right crowd. even in the wrong crowd, at least you had others there to be in the wrong crowd with you. i had no one, and including the geeks and the metal heads, i was the most hated person in the school. how i survived each day was a complete miracle.

that day had been simply dreadful, and it just tossed me over the edge.
"why dont you just go cut your wrists or something. make the world a better place"
these words rung in my ears all day everyday.
so once they had been spoken to me on that day, i took the advice. i sat on top of the toilet seat and removed the blade from my pencil sharpener. it hurt at first, but once the red began to flow, the pain licked up and down my arm, but somehow made it better. of course, it made it worse too, but i found relief in the blood. the blood and the tears flowed for a short time before i called jack.
"its me. i need you jack."
he sighed quietly- not out of frustration or anger, but fear. "meet me out by the trail in five minutes."
jack went to the boys equivalent of my school. he was a skater, and they had their own little clique. they were tight knit, but still laid back and friendly- once you knew them. we met after school every day to walk home through the trail that had been made from sand on the grass.
i then pulled my things together and walked out of the school, my head swirling. toilet paper was wrapped around my wrist to stop the bleeding from staining my white school shirt. i knew my mother would have questions for that one.
mine and jacks relationship was one of few words. he knew me well enough that i had few words for my emotions, and he also knew me well enough that a look or a word from me was enough to surmise what emotional situation i was in. so when we met at the trail, he held out his hands for my arm. i gave it to him hesitantly. he knew what had happened. i had talked to him about it a couple of times, not with intention to do anything, not at the time, but he knew that if i did do it, it was not for attention. i kept my head down while he carefully removed the toilet paper tourniquet. all i heard was a small inhalation that could have been a sigh or a gasp. then he very softly stroked the area around the red angry lines, wound me back up and hugged me. i breathed him in, making me feel calm. he was my home, my safest place. then he took my hand and led me to his house.
to outsiders, we would look like a couple. i knew this, but it didnt bother me at all, though i did not think of him in this way at all. we were very best friends, though not at all like brothers and sisters. when he snuck into my room, when he lay on my bed while i lay in it, it was nothing more than him being there for me. of course, i knew it was more than i deserved, but it didnt stop me needing him.
when we got to his house, his mother was in the kitchen, just cleaning up after a baking session. she was not at all surprised to see us. his mother understood us, though i think a tiny bit of her hoped we would fall in love and get married one day. her hopes were in vain, though it was nice to have someone on our side.
"hey kids. cookies or sandwiches?"
"both mom, kat and me need to talk for a bit though, kay?"
"sure jack. i wont intrude."
"thanks amelia,"i said quietly. i knew she would hear the sadness in my voice.
we climbed the stairs that always made my legs ache because of the height of them.
i headed straight for his bed- the double bed that was sunken in the middle. it was always a mess. and it always smelt just like jack, in such a concentrated form that i always relaxed here. i curled up under his covers and stared bleakly at him, not really seeing him at all. he put on a cd, one of our favourites. then he curled up in front of me, in the exact same position as me, our foerheads nearly touching. he looked at me with his impossibly brown eyes, gently and discreetly convincing me to talk.
"seriously jack, it was just one of those days. but worse."
he closed his eyes for a moment- a nod.
at that minute, amelia came in with the food on a tray, with two bottles of icy cold peach iced tea. it was times like this that i just adored her. she put it down silently on the floor beside us and left, closing the door behind her.
jack and i lay there for hours.
at about 4pm, i called my house. i let my parents know i was staying at jacks, and they sighed and agreed with distaste strong in their voices.
i distinctly remember that night. it was about 11 o'clock, and jack wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.
"kat?"
"mmmm?"
"will you do it again?"
"what?" i didnt know what he was talking about- we hadnt been keeping up a regular conversation.
"will you cut yourself again? just so i know. i dont want you to, but i doubt that will stop you. i just need to know."
i thought about that for a moment. the bright red liquid springing to the surface, the shivers as the blade sank back into the cut, pulling more blood as it moved...
"im sorry jack. i dont know. but i would say it is likely."
"im always going to be here. when you call and dont say anything, i know. i know you kat, and i am always going to keep trying. youre worth so much to me."
i kept very still, barely breathing. he did know me, and he knew me well enough to know that i did not express feelings to him, not like this. but he knew i loved him just like he loved me. so words were saved.

jack never gave up on me. he would listen to me crying on the phone, unable to say anything. he would also turn up to my house, silently through my window, with a first aid kit. it was bandages and disinfecting wipes and occasionally a needle and thread. the first time he pulled that out, i gaped at him.
"i went to the doctors kat. i knew you wouldnt go. i asked him to show me how to stich you up when the cuts got too big." and he handled me so well, i never hesitated in handing him my bleeding arm.
the one thing i never understood was why he never asked me why i didnt call him before i did it. i always thought about it. when the blade was in my hand, i thought about him. i pictured him in his room, reading a comic or listening to music or doing his homework. and cut anyway. then i would call him. not a word was spoken except him saying "hey, kat." then, after a short silence- "there in a minute".
it wasnt every night. some nights, we would go out with his friends. they were great, and despite me never letting loose, they accepted me into their group with no questions. we got on well, and i pretended for them.
other nights were so bad i wouldnt even be able to pick up the phone to call him. so he came over anyway. we talked everyday, so when we didnt, he knew it was bad. he always bought the needle and thread on those days.
when i started not turning up for school, i could see the pressure it put on him. did he stay home with me, or go to school and work for his grades so he could have a future? of course, this was jack, and i was his future. without me, he thought he wouldnt have a future. he had to work to give us both a life, instead of just himself. i disagreed so very strongly about this, and we fought about it regularly. he always won.
but most days, i would meet him at the end of my street, rain or shine, and we would walk to school. some days we would talk, some days i was furious with him and i would glare at my shoes as i scuffed my way to school. but he was always there, holding my folder, on my right hand side. on wet days he would bring a huge umbrella, and hold it above my head. most days i managed to get through just pretending. after school we would go to his house, or mine if my parents werent there, and play computer games, or go skateboarding (though i had not yet learned how to do this), or do our homework. whatever it was, we were always together. we never got sick of each other. even when we were fighting (mostly about him sacrificing his life for me), he would come over and stick with me. i heard the rumours, i heard the disapproval in my parents voice and the hope in his mothers. i did not care that people thought we were too close, that we were dating, that we were losers. we were, but we were losers together. it made sense.







one day i remember sitting in the kitchen while my mom busied about, making dinner. i had all my books sprawled out in front of me. i barely knew the subjects i was taking, let alone what i was learning.
"so what are you doing tonight katherine?"
i sighed. she knew the answer. "jacks coming over to help me with my essay."
"you spend too much time with that boy. what about making some girlfriends? or even a nice young man for a boyfriend?"
"i dont like girls. and i dont want a boyfriend. jack is my best friend."
"but what about when he wants a girlfriend? what are you going to do when they spend all their time together?"
i had thought about this many times. i didnt dare ask jack though- i was terrified of the possibility of this happening. "ill go back to the way i was then mom. i can live without him you know."
this was a blatant lie. i could barely survive without him, let alone lead a normal life and move on.


at age sixteen, we had both changed a little. he had grown less gangly; he had grown into his height. he still wore the same shoes, though they were now a few sizes bigger. i had accquired his old ones; they were perfectly broken in. i had grown my hair out, sick of it not being able to stick behind my ears. but essentially, we were exactly the same as the first day we met. the rumours kept growing, and we kept ignoring them. jacks skater friends were periodically dating, and i had to put up with the giggles and snide comments of their idiot girlfriends whenever we all got together.

i never did bring up the topic of jack wanting a girlfriend, but he never seemed envious of the others. of course, then a little red devil would pop up on my shoulder and argue that he was probably happy with me as his girlfriend. i hated that devil with a passion.

i still had my bad days, and i still had my really terrible days. every now and then i would have a good day. this basically was made up of weekends when my parents would go away, or we finished a computer game, or we had no homework, or when i didnt fall off his old skateboard as he tried to teach me. they rarely happened, but the spark and energy in jacks eyes was undeniable. this always made me wonder what would happen if i were a happy version of me. i could never picture this. i never saw a future, i never saw myself getting better. it was thoughts like these that i kept from jack. i knew they would kill any hope he had for me, and weigh his heart down even more.

another moment in my head is one that sticks out prominently for me. sort of.
it was the day before my seventeenth birthday, and it was like having ten bad days all at one time. everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. plus a few things that showed up to make me more miserable. i called jack that day. it was a saturday afternoon, and i kept the conversation short. i managed to convince him that i was having an ok day, and that i would see him the next day at my birthday dinner. he had come around that morning to watch a movie with me, but had to leave to do some chores for his mother.

that afternoon, when my parents went grocery shopping. i stayed behind, and cried for about ten minutes before i gave up. i completely gave up hope. i crept into my parents rooms and lifted my moms lamp up. i knew this was where she hid her stash of sleeping pills, and grabbed the whole bag. i didnt care that she would notice, it wasnt like i was ever going to see her again. this fact hit me, but it didnt change my mind. i thought about writing a note, but i had always been short of words. so i lifted my bed post a fraction off the ground, where i kept one of my many blades. jack went on frequent raids of my room to remove them all, and often came up with ten at a time. they were hidden in slightly obvious places. he simply got up, moved around my room and removed them. never got angry or sad. he just removed them like he was dusting the room.

i washed down the fifty-odd pills with some vodka i had taken from the kitchen cabinet. it burned my nose and throat, so i downed the whole thing. the tears on my face now were from pain and sadness. then, i paid attention as the pills started to take affect. my head swam a little but i focused. this was important. i drove the blade in deeper than i had ever gone before, again and again. my hands shook, but i didnt care. it made even more of a mess. i was soon swimming in my own blood, and it was not very long before the knife fell to the floor, and myself with it.


when i woke up, the first thing i remembered was everything hurting. my throat hurt as i inhaled and exhaled, my nose hurt too from the same action. my whole body ached like i had the flu. and then there was the emotional pain. i had failed. i wondered who had found me, as i kept my eyes closed. i didnt want anyone to know i had woken up until i was a little more informed.
i was aware if a dull pressure on my hand. it took me a minute to realise it was another hand. i sneaked a tiny peek, and saw jack attached to it. of course. of course he would find me. i hadnt thought about the possibility of him not believeing me that i was ok.

i head footsteps then, growing louder as they approached.
"jack? jack wake up. you need a proper night sleep. how are you going to be able to help her when she wakes up if you can barely keep your eyes open?" it was amelia. a sense of pure dread washed over me then. i sincerely wished it had worked. i couldnt even get dying right.
"no way. im not leaving her. what if she wakes up and im not here? she needs me, even when shes unconscious. she was squeezing my hand a couple of times the last couple of days. shes getting better, i can tell. im not giving up on her mom, never."
"ok honey. anything i can get you then? you always were stubborn."
"thanks mom, im alright for now."
i heard amelia walk away, back to whereever she had come from.
very carefully, very deliberately, i squeezed jacks hand. not too hard. pain seared up my arm, but i ignored it.
he gasped and looked up at me. i know this because i opened my eyes.
"kat, oh kat. youre awake. oh kat." his voice was so filled with sorrow and pain i nearly shut my eyes again.
"what happened?"
"i left my memory card at your house, so i came over to get it. you hadnt answered your phone, and i was worried. when i found you, i....i... kat, i thought you were.... dead." his voice was barely a whisper. his huge brown eyes looked into my pale blue ones and tears began dripping from his face. they werent nice tears. they were fat and came at an irregular pace. i watched him very closely.
"jack. i love you jack. and im sorry."
"i love you too kat. why did you do it? why didnt you call me? i would have been there in one minute. i know i cant make it better, but does this make it any better? you spent your seventeenth birthday here, nearly dead."
it was then that i looked around me. of course i was in hospital. i dared to look down at my hands. there were thick bandages on them, and cords and tubes and wires and needles all sticking out from me. the bandages wound up to my elbows, and i could faintly see a browny-red colour under them. i looked away. my eyes were still stick from the sleep, but i knew the room around me was white and small enough for it to be a private room.
"they had to pump your stomach, and give you a blood transfusion or two. they said you were going to be sore when you wake up. are you in much pain?"
"not that the doctors can fix. how long?"
"today is thursday. you have been here since saturday. so, about five days."
we were silent for a while. he rubbed circles in the backs of my hands where the tubes werent protruding.
"i was going to write a note, but i didnt know what to say."
"did you do it intending to die, kat?" his voice was low and he was looking down.
"yeah. yeah i did, jack. failure, right?"
"not a failure. im so glad i found you. worst thing ive seen in my life, but i found you just in time."
"i wish i had got it right. im going to have to face everyone now. oh god what did my parents say?" i was mortified. i hadnt thought about what would happen if i managed to wake up.
"they... well they were genuinely shocked kat." i could hear the rejection in his voice as i told him even he wouldnt keep me alive.
"really? did they not have the slightest idea that something was wrong?" i was crushed. my own parents couldnt see that something was wrong. it wasnt like i hid it to that degree. sure, i hid the physical evidence, but i often walked in crying. i guessed they were paying less attention than i thought.
jack let me be silent for a while. he knew i was thinking, and he allowed me that, but i saw the pain in his eyes. he suspected my thoughts were less than cheerful. i knew, at that moment, he wouldnt want to trust me again. when i said i was fine, he wouldnt believe me. he would barely let me out of his sight. and now he would ask questions.


when i got out of hospital, i was ordered to see a psychologist. when i heard this news i nearly went to go do a proper job of it. talking to a stranger about my feelings was out of the question.
until jack grabbed my hand. "ill be right next to you the whole time kat, dont you worry." he sounded almost excited.
my chest expanded at that point. if jack was there, anything was bearable.


my first session was difficult. to say the least. the first question she asked was why i decided to kill myself. i stared at her, bewildered. i was thankful for jack then, because he got all fired up and started yelling at her. after we all calmed down, she reworded her question.
"how did you get to this point, katherine? what are the events that led up to this day?"
and it was then that i realised that i didnt really know. when i told her this, she grinned. it was like i had handed her a great big present.


over the next few weeks, my therapist, jack and i all sat in the room and tried to get me to remember reasons why i was so damaged. after five weeks, i got bored. there had been no signs of improvement; in fact i was sure i felt worse afterwards. so i made excuses not to go. three weeks in a row i made varying excuses, and, the night of the third missed appointment, jack asked me about it.
"kat," he said as he sat next to me on his bed, "you really dont like therapy do you?"
i rolled my eyes- he couldnt see. he was staring at our feet that were tapping absentmindedly to the music in the background. "no, jack i hate it. she so fake. how can i spill my guts to someone i can see right through?"
we were quiet for a minute then, thinking about it all.
"i just want you to stop wanting to die." i was shocked. not because of what he said, but the way he said it. normally his head would have been down, his voice slightly muffled at he spoke downwards. now he turned to look at me and said it with such ferocity that i was stunned. i looked at him. his eyes were burning as though they were on fire. the deep brown grew and overpowered me.
so i said what he wanted to hear. almost. instead i said what i didnt actually realise until i saw the look on his face. "so do i jack. so do i."



from then on, i let jack in. when he asked if i was ok, i would tell him exactly what i was. it was tremendously difficult. i didnt know words for most of the things i felt. i was good at analogies though, so i instead provided him with one of those, when words wouldnt suffice. he was good at understanding me. i slowly grew used to this. i could see it was hard for him too, when i told him of the strong desires i had to hurt myself, but he always urged me on. we fought more, with all these feelings being shared. it made me more emotional once they had all been brought to the table, and i always took it out on him.

for six months, we carried on in this fashion. it wasnt so hard after a while. i got used to him asking with his eyes. when i said i felt something odd, he would tilt his head to the side and question me silently, asking for another analogy. at this rate, we were both doing better in our english classes.


"katherine," my mother started hesitantly.
i was sitting in my kitchen doing my homework one sunday evening, letting the smells of our inpending roast dinner sidetrack me.
"yes, mom?" i asked wearily
"do you think maybe you could try your psychiatrist again?"
"psychologist, mom. and why?"
"the hospital called. they wanted to know how you were doing. its six months since you.... were admitted." the conversation was awkward for her, of that i was beyond certain. i saw her glance automatically at my arms. she couldnt see anything, but it still made me paranoid. i never did it for the attention.
"i really dont think it helped."
"maybe you could try an new person this time?"
she really wanted this, i could tell. well, whatever made her happy i guess.
"sure. call them tomorrow and book me in."
she stared at me for a second, with a look on her face i couldnt quite decipher. i knew she didnt expect me to give in that easily.



jack came with me again. this time i had a nicer lady. she made us tea (which neither of us drank) and let us lie on the big cliched couch. we werent happy to be there, but it was easier if we made it a bit of a joke. once we calmed down, she asked us how we were. which surprised me.
"fine thanks, how are you?" i didnt even hear myself say the words, it was just an automatic response. jack knew this and elbowed me in the ribs.
"kat just tell me how you really are. tell both of us. like you do with me. otherwise theres no point in us being here."
i glared at him. he knew why i was so hesitant.
"just pretend its you and me here. like we are sitting on my bed at home." i liked it when he called his house our home. i practically lived there most of the time anyway.
"it doesnt smell like you here. i cant relax."
he pulled off his sweatshirt and gave it to me. childishly, i buried my face in it. i took a deep breath and answered properly.
"today i feel numb. everything is surreal. it doesnt feel like im here, its like im on automatic. even though i havent been in here before or met you, i feel like im just going through the motions."
the therapist, anna, smiled. it wasnt like the last lady, she smiled warmly. she was happy i was sharing, she was happy i was being honest.
"now katherine, im going to ask you a few simple questions everytime you come here. so that youre prepared. the answers might change everytime, and they might not. firstly, i am going to ask you how you are. then i am going to ask you how the last week has been for you. and then i am going to ask you about self harm. and then i am going to ask about suicide." her voice was soft and gentle. it still scared me though.
jack elbowed me again. i was going to get a bruise if he didnt quit it.
"you might as well. if you dont like her, dont come back." i saw him smile sympathetically toward anna over my shoulder. i scowled.
"fine." i was acting very childish today, but it didnt bother me.
"ok katherine-"
"its kat." jack interjected.
"kat. when was the last time you harmed yourself?"
i closed my eyes as i answered. "two day ago." which was actually quite a while for me.
"and why did you do it then?"
"me and mom had an argument."
"did you argue with you mother yesterday?"
"yes. most days."
"why didnt you harm yourself yesterday?"
"jack was there."
anna took this in for a minute. i was a little unnerved by all the silence, so i spoke again. "he makes me not do it. i wouldnt ever dream of doing it in front of jack. i dont hurt as much with jack."
jack looked at me with concern. he knew all of this- it wasnt news to him. i also thought it was a fairly obvious answer. but apparently not.
"what do you think would happen if jack suddenly wasnt there?"
"i would just go back to normal."
"really? if jack moved away, or died, would you really be able to just continue your life as though he was never in it?"
fear and irrational concern consumed me. i was suddenly unaware of what was around me, and immersed in my thoughts.
i imagined amelia telling me and jack that they were moving. far far away. my first thought would be to move with them, obviously. then my mind picked up the little flaws that surrounded that possibility. like money and school. so then i thought about jack dying. the thing about that scenario was that everytime i saw him lying cold and dead on the floor, i saw myself right next to him, exactly the same way. morbidly, i brightened at the sheer thought of that. though i knew he wouldnt want to willingly die anytime soon. natural death was on his cards.
"kat?"
i looked up as anna's voice broke my daze.