Reckless (Part Nine)

JACK


i so vividly remember the time kat slipped up.
we were doing so well. she had finally learned how to ignore the girls at school that tormented her daily, and had been smiling more than i had ever seen. the change was so eagerly awaited on mine and amelias parts that whenever kat bounced down the stairs, our hearts lifted and we were filled with hope.
our hope was wasted. the day kat got drunk at school was the day my hope was slashed and left for dead on the floor.
it was a thursday, so close to the weekend, and it had been a long hard week for her. taunts were constantly coming hard and fast. news had somehow spread that she was depressed, probably due to rumours, and all she ever heard was taunts and giggles, everyone suggesting ways in which she should kill herself.
when she had come home on wednesday night, telling me about each thing she heard from them, i proudly congratulated her on her ability to ignore them. my suspicions were aroused however, when, on our way to school the next day, she told me she had forgotten something and told me to go ahead. i was slightly worried, but the sucess of the weeks previous made it easy to forget.
it wasnt until i got the text message from her that i gave it another thought. it read- "JACL BM ESUNK. GAHAGAHAGG" i had to read it several times before i realised that it said "jack am drunk hahahaha" after which i tried calling her. on the third call she picked up.
"kat! what the hell are you doing?"
"iss nice an' lovely t'day innit jack?" i could barely understand her.
"come to the trail kat, now."
"K. 'm i in trouble jack?"
i sighed. "no kat, just come meet me now"

as i walked to the trail my stomach was in knots. i had no idea how much she had drunk, or what she had done whilst drunk. aside from the worry, i felt sick with guilt. i shouldnt have let her out of my sight. i knew where she had gone as well, which made it worse. her parents had a huge stash of alcohol. i winced. kat was a mess. as she approached, i saw her clearer. her hair was a mess and her chapstick was smeared across her face. she had a goofy grin on and was ambling drunkenly towards me.
"jack! so glad you could make it! welcome to the party." she faltered as she saw the look on my face. "wass wrong jack?"
"youre drunk. in school." i put my arm around her and started dragging her home.
"how much did you drink kat?"
she held up a drink bottle that was nearly empty. i yanked it off her and took a sip. it was straight vodka. miserable, i took her home, pouring the rest out as we walked.

when we arrived in my room, i put kat to sleep, leaving her in her uniform. i waited until she was asleep and crept downstairs to use the phone.
"twentyfour hour help hotline, Emlynne speaking, how can i help?" the kind voice said down the line.
"hi. my best friend, well, we need some help."
"its ok to talk about it." she said assuringly. i paused. was i doing the right thing by kat, or was i betraying her trust by doing this? i carried on anyway. i was desperate.
"my friend, she has depression. severe, severe depression." i felt it was so important to let her know just how bad kat was. this wasnt a regular case of sad teenage girl. "and she drinks. not all the time, in fact, hardly ever. but today she took alcohol to school and got drunk there. shes upstairs sleeping now, but i dont know what to do. i just dont know what to do anymore." as the words spilled from my mouth i grew weak. the strain of all these years was catching up as i relived them in a few short sentences.
"how old is your friend dear?"
"nearly seventeen."
"how long has she been feeling like this?"
"since before i met her. we were 14 when we met. its just so hard."
"well, well done for staying with her all this time, most people tend to give up when they feel like they cant help and arent coping well. now tell me...?"
"jack. my name is jack."
"jack. tell me, how did she get the alcohol? she couldnt have bought it."
"she went around to her parents house and took some of theirs. they werent home and probably wont even notice."
"so she lives with you?"
"yeah me and my mother."
"sounds like shes pretty well taken care of. youre doing a fantastic job jack, really. now, i do need to ask, have there been any suicide attempts?"
"two. she was hospitalized both times, after cutting, taking pills and drinking."
"i see." she paused, and i thought i heard the faint scratching of a pen on paper as she took notes. "the main thing here is that you keep her away from alcohol. that seems to the major problem at the moment. aside from the drinking, how has she been lately?"
"shes been great. no really, shes been doing well. smiling and stuff."
"i think its important right now to keep at it. i can give you a few numbers now if you like, just in case? have you got a pen and paper?"
i scrambled around for the items and returned to the phone. i doubted the numbers would do any good, but i took them anyway.
"ok, firstly theres the mental health support network. theyre there for people exactly like you, who are close to people with depression, anxiety, bi-polar et cetera. theyve all been there, so they can be really helpful when times get tough for you." i jotted down the number she gave me and waited for the next.
"then theres the alcohol and drug addiction hotline. your friend may not be addicted to alcohol, but in her case it sounds like they could give you some help. also if your friend is a cutter, they understand the addiction to it, which essentially works in the same way as substance addictions. theres the suicide helpline too, which works with us, so if you need to call them, give them this number- thats a client number, it means they can pull up any notes ive taken today and assist you quicker." she called out the number to quote and the telephone number.
"thankyou." i said sombrely. she had calmed me down a lot, even if i never used any of the numbers anyway.
"one more thing. has your friend been to see a therapist of some description?"
"yeah, two. neither of them worked out well."
"ok well im going to recommend you a few of the best ones ive had dealings with, theyre not too cheap, but theyre definately worth it."
as she called out the last few contacts and hung up, i felt a huge rush of exhaustion creep up on me. leaning against the kitchen counter, i hung my head in my palms. it was times like this i felt like crying. when the weight of all kats problems caught up on me and it all just seemed like too much all at once. i still didnt know what to do with kat when she woke up from her vodka induced slumber. i didnt know what to tell amelia when she arrived home, what to tell the school, or what to say to her parents if the school rung them. i didnt know how to go back to normal after this. i just didnt know where i was supposed to turn. you have to stay strong for kat. dont let it all tear you up. relax. do something that makes you relax, takes out all your anger and pain and sadness.
without another thought, i ran upstairs and changed, then took my board out for a ride.



AMELIA


ive had a pretty straightforward life. not easy, not wealthy, but its been a happy life.
when i finished high school, i wanted to be an artist. i had applied to go to a university to study it, with no clear intentions on what i wanted to be. my parents would beg me to make something of myself, not to choose such a flimsy career, based, as they thought, on luck. when i wasnt accepted into the only college i had applied for, i was devastated, only to learn that my parents had sent an application to do a basic degree in business on my behalf. with my dream blown apart, i miserably accepted the place and trained to be an accountant or something for the next three years.
i kept up my art as a hobby, and began working at a nearby bank. my parents were so proud.
"there are banks everywhere amelia, you can go whereever your heart leads you and still find work."
i was still empty. it wasnt until i met max that everything fell into place. we were both 22, and we were both in business school. it wasnt long at all until i moved into his tiny flat, finally finding someone who appreciated my artistic flair, the way i saw the world as one big canvas. we were madly in love. when i fell pregnant, i was 23 and still so mentally young that i had no idea what i was going to do. i had never thought about children, but max had assured me he was there every step of the way. and he was.
the night i went into labour was a horrible stormy night. the rain fell down in sheets; you could barely see in front of you. he carefully drove me to the hospital as i gasped in pain. we were turning onto the road where the maternity centre was when a van slid into us, tires screeching, water everywhere. as though in slow motion, max turned to me, touched my stomach and said "i love you amelia".
the accident itself wasnt that bad. the driver of the other car was fine, scrapes and bruises, same as me. but max had suffered a head injury, and by the time he was in a hospital bed, he was dead. unrelenting, i wasnt allowed to see him until i had given birth. i knew i had to, and as soon as i was allowed, a nurse wheeled me to his room to say goodbye. he looked the same, just paler, all the blood in his cheeks had faded and i cried by his bedside until i was taken away to feed my baby.
i remember the nurse coming every week to check on me. apparently i was at a huge risk for post natal depression, and they wanted to keep an eye on me, until i was settled and comfortable. i was so grateful for the help.
watching jack grow up was hard. he looked like a miniature max, and laughed just like he did. i feared for his life so much. i wasnt sure whether that was motherly instinct or the terrible trauma of losing max, but i was always on edge. but, sure enough, life went on. i mourned max every day, and celebrated jack also.
the day jack had met kat, he had come home later than i had made him promise.
"amelia, i met someone. she was sad, but i like her. i want to make her happy."
i could tell he was promising this to himself, and even in the words of a naive 14 year old, he knew what he was doing.
having kat in my life was a joy. she was so severely disconnected, but she always seemed more relaxed and natural with me and jack around. if she didnt want to talk, she would quietly and politely tell us and leave us until she was feeling more sociable. she was a little girl, slender and short and somehow very fragile. her skin was pale with a tinge of olive, and her blue eyes were wide under her dark hair. i loved her as though she were my own. so as one can imagine, i was shocked when i was greeted by a note when i got home from work one thursday evening. it was starting to get colder and darker earlier in the evening- i would have to remember to take my gloves with me to work tomorrow- and i dragged my tired body inside and dropped all the groceries on the floor, kicking of my stilettos. i hated those shoes. i wandered around the counter to the fridge and found half a bottle of wine and set a glass down on the counter to pour one. there was a note from jack. this didnt surprise me- i was often left notes if the kids werent going to be home for dinner or if they intended on staying out late. the note read-
AMELIA, ITS ME JACK. I THINK KAT MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE. I PUT HER IN BED, AND ILL BE HOME SOON, BUT ITS A BIT OF A BIGGIE. LOVE JACK. PS, WHATS FOR DINNER?

typical jack. food first. but i was worried about kat. what sort of trouble could she be in? i poured the wine and waited for jack to come home and explain, my nerves like live wires.


KAT


i kept dreaming of jack. not the usual dreams, of memories and times we had shared, but of jack and me being a couple. in one dream it would be weird, and i would wake up from it in a cold sweat, terrified of what might happen. the next dream would have a happy ending, where i lay partially awake, and kissed jack til he was awake so i could tell him how i felt. the thing was, i didnt know how i felt. did i love jack as a friend, a brother, or did i love him romantically? the turmoil helped in some ways. whenever i was being teased or mocked at school, i would drift away in my dreams and picture jack holding my hand, kissing my mouth, my nose, my ears, my neck. i had seen him without a shirt countless times, but now i saw it differently. i saw the slight muscle building over his ribcage where the ribs were still so very noticable. i imagined putting my fingers in the little hollow of skin where his collarbones were, and touching the smooth even skin there.
i knew amelia would be overjoyed. but what if jack suddenly realised it was a mistake? what if i told him i wanted to try and be his girlfriend and he shot me down, like a falling star? but, a tiny voice said inside me what if he didnt? what if he loved you all along?
it was a constant battle inside my head. all i needed was jack to tell me how he felt so i could make my mind up after that.

i met jack at the trail after school, same as always. there were excited yelps and squeals all around me and i wondered what was going on. i looked down in my hands at the flyer we had all been given in our last class- HICKORY SCHOOL DANCE- CO-ED it read. a blonde girl shoved past me, shouldering me without seeming to notice. "oh my god! like, who are you taking? i need a dress. i need a dress NOW!!!!" her high pitched screams deafened me, and i glowered at her. so that was why. i didnt get why people were so excited about these stupid dances. sure, we didnt have them that often, but it wasnt something to get so worked up about. i spotted jack and walked up to meet him.
"hey kat." since my recent blunder he had been more short tempered with me. apparently drinking at school was a criminal offence, and he was the one to punish me, since i hadnt been caught by the school. i was being watched 24/7 and the feeling of being trapped kept chasing me. when i complained to jack, he had no sympathy.
"hey jack." i made a concerted effort to be more perky around him, more talkative.
"i see you guys got handed out the flyers too huh?" jack held no tone in his voice that would give away his view on the matter. "even the guys in my class were excited, talking about which girl they wanted to get with on the night and how they intended to- ah- woo them. pathetic."
at last! "i know, you would think these girls never danced before. all thats going to happen is they get dressed up, get their hopes up, get drunk," i winced as i saw jack flinch at the word, "and then have sex with someone they dont even know. its pathetic really."
we lapsed into silence and started the walk home. the trail was fairly empty now; everyone had disappeared to make a start on their dance plans (despite it being two weeks away).
we were nearly home, just rounding the corner, when jack stopped.
not having noticed right away, i carried on walking, then turned around when i saw he wasnt next to me. "jack?"
"hey kat, um, theres something i want to ask you."
jack never said um. never. something was up.
"yeah?" i replied slowly.
"that dance, i know i said it was stupid, but, doyouwanttogotothedancewithme?" the words tumbled out in a rush, falling on top of eachother and ended in a sudden silence.
"what? jack you cant be serious. i dont dance. you dont dance. we go to parties with our friends in jeans and sneakers and listen to obnoxious music we actually like." why was he doing this?
"dont worry. it was just a thought. let me know if you change your mind." he powered on ahead, acting overly nonchalant. i frowned and followed him. i knew it was best to leave it be now, but i could tell he was more than a little bit hurt. my ranting about how terrible it would be probably didnt do anything to lessen that.
and the truth was, i really wouldnt mind going. sure, i didnt like dresses, or dancing, or that kind of music, but i sort of wanted to be seen publicly as being with jack. not that anything was official yet, or even talked about, but i wanted a reason to hold his hand. we hurried home in silence, heads bowed against the icy autumn wind that promised a cold winter.

after dinner that night, jack seemed to be fine. we lay on the floor in his room doing our homework together- he was now tutoring me in maths since he had been put in the brainy class. i had always known he was good at math, but i never realised how good he really was. i was finding it hard to concentrate, jacks earlier proposal kept surfacing in my mind, and then i would create scenes in which it would happen, and then it would create counter-scenes where he would go with another girl. i put down my pen.
"jack, im just going downstairs to get a drink, you want one?"
"sure. whatever youre having."
as i neared the top of the stairs, i could hear amelia laughing at something she was watching on TV. instead of going right into the kitchen, i sat next to her on the couch, patiently waiting for an ad break. when one came, she turned the volume down and looked at me.
"whats up munchkin?"
"did jack talk to you about anything before?"
"like you rejecting him to the school dance?"
"that bad?"
"yeah, but he'll be ok. he knows you dont like that sort of thing anyway."
"amelia, if jack and i were to, um... get together, would you be ok with that?"
"are you already? or just planning on it?"
"not necessarily planning, but i have been thinking about what it would be like. i just dont know how he would react to it, or if you would be ok with it."
"well, i have been looking forward to hearing you say that since the day you set foot in this house missy. as for jack, i think hes been the same. he loves you kat, but im pretty sure he loves you more than just his best friend."
i sighed. "thanks amelia." i retreated to the kitchen and got two glasses of lemonade and headed upstairs to continue with the mass of homework waiting for me.