Reckless (Part Seven)

going back to school after four weeks is a little like walking into a party that you thought was fancy dress, when really it was just 'dress fancy'. everyone stares, and no matter how insignificant you thought you were, all eyes remain on you at all times.
i kept my head down, sat at the back of every class and stayed out of the public eye as much as possible. but the whispers followed me everywhere i tried to escape.
"did you hear? ellen said she went to rehab!"
"coke? p?"
"nah, apparently it was alcohol."
"i heard she was in france?"
"yeah, in a centre maybe!"
"god, its pathetic isnt it?"
"yeah."
yeah, it is, i thought. could they not come up with more lucrative rumours?
still, the words sent signals to my brain. signals that set my whole body alight with pain and an urge to cut so powerful that i knew if i didnt do it soon, i would implode.
hastily, i rushed to the bathrooms. old dog, new tricks. though the routine and familiarity of it sent shockwaves through me, i pulled my cellphone out and called jack.
"jack."
"fuck. how bad kat?"
"i havent. i just need you right now. not even here, but i can hear your voice. i want to go back home. even to the hospital. i would rather endure the pitying stares and the overly helpful nurses than have everyone whispering and glaring at me. i feel sick jack."
"you want me to come see you?"
"yes. but no, ive already kept you off school long enough. ill be ok. just, keep texting me ok? reassurance and such."
"ok. be safe kat. love."
i hung up and looked in the mirror. the bags under my eyes seemed more prominent under the fluorescents; my skin almost see through. my hair, though only a dark brown, took on a blackish tinge, and my lips were drained of colour. god i thought, i look like death warmed up. i put on some cheap chapstick and gnawed on my lip until they looked a little pinker. there really wasnt much else i could do, but it really didnt matter. even if i was attractive, the stares would be the same.

when the final bell rang, i fled. as fast as my little legs would take me, i ran to meet jack. the urgency in his eyes was so vivid- it was like he had written the question on his forehead.
"did you?"
i smiled the smallest smile. it wasnt so much a triumph for me- no, it was pure hell- but the look on jacks face broke me. he was exuberant.
he hugged me tight.
"one day feels like an eternity. i dont see how i am going to do this every day."
he grasped my shoulders tightly and held me at arms reach. "kat, one day, one day is amazing. youre doing this. ok? you are getting this. and besides, its been longer than one day. you know that. now lets go do something. its hot, and your house is stuffy enough as it is."

we wandered home, plenty of time to kill, just letting the pale sun warm our faces. we didnt really need to talk. i never liked asking about his day, for two reasons. 1) he always managed to twist the question so that he was asking me. so i opted for the more convienient option- 2) listen to when amelia asked about it. it saved me the frustration of being asked the same thing, and saved jack from repeating himself. it was a win-win situation.
at his house, we grabbed a tub of icecream and sat out in his tiny back yard. it was a mess.
the grass was overgrown- ankle deep- there were broken pottery projects that had been thrown out here in anger at it being a "failure", for me and jack to later destroy further by throwing it and the concrete block at the back. there was a small garage filled with blank canvas, paints, craft bits and bobs, and an old computer.
among all of this was two old deck chairs facing the wooden back fence (which was twice the height of me). on sunny days like this, we would sit out here together and plan our fture, pretending like the towering fence was our pool, our ocean views, a glowing sunset, or whatever it was we felt like dreaming up that day. our little paradise.

i put down my spoon. my eyes were closed and i wore a small frown.
"kat? whats up?"
i sighed. nothing was up. the sun was bright. but jack wouldnt take that.
"i just hate having to go home, thats all."
it was true. since i had left the hospital, i had been nearly living at jacks. my mother had taken to hovering. i was trapped and it wasnt helping. so i moved in with him. sort of. two nights a week, i was to attend family dinners with my parents, no jack, no amelia, just the family. i detested these nights. mom and dad would show off, cooking some ridiculously fancy dinner, make rehearsed small talk, then fall into an uneasy, awkward silence. it was like school all over again.
but i obeyed, because they were my parents, and they were paying my way. apparently i was too unstable for a job, so they paid amelia for the food i ate, clothes i wore, and other small expenses. they also fed $50 a week into my account, for reasons unknown. i simply assumed they were being helpful in the only way they knew how.
so life had settled into a regular rythm, boring, repetitive, but it was sort of comforting.
it was one of the things i used to try and calm myself down at night, when i was huddled in a ball on jacks bed, crying.
i attemped suicide.
twice.
and failed.
twice.
my parents hate me.
i have no home.
i hate myself.
everyone in this tiny fucking town hates me and i hate this tiny fucking town.
i tried to contradict these thoughts. i really did.
if i had died, jack would have too.
i survived twice.
i have parents.
they have money, which i suppose is a good thing.
my home is with jack and amelia.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
really, i did try.
then jack would hug me until i fell asleep, and it counted as another day without self harm.


following these nights, was a morning. grey, lazy light peered through gaps in the curtains far too early, and woke me immediately. i had practised lying still, keeping my breathing even, so that jack would remain none the wiser. i used the time between waking up and actually getting up to compose myself. same drill as the night previous. because getting up and living was just far too hard to just do. i needed preparation, time, and to get rid of the voices in my head long enough to try to convince myself that i could do it. giving yourself a pep talk makes you feel so much worse. when all you want to do is ruin things and hurt things and smash things to pieces, hearing bright bubbly thoughts, especially from your own head, is tormenting.
all i had to do was tell myself- get up. survive another day.
it took so long, but i needed that time to just try. uninterrupted.
i was only getting five or six hours of sleep a night, but it never seemed to catch up on me.
after my daily composure session, i managed to fall back into a light sleep. semi-consciousness. when the alarm went off at seven fifteen, i faked a ywan and a grumble and huddled under the sheets further. i hated getting out of bed; it was even worse than waking up.
"come on kat. youre going to make us late."
false. we had never been late to school, ever. but i let him drag me out so we could start the day.

school was mind numbing. i had managed to catch up fairly quickly, despite having missed a whole month of school. that was the plus side of living with jack. he was a nerd and rubbed off on me, convincing me that it wasnt even hard, and it would help to take my mind off things. it never did.
so with jacks help, not only had i caught up, i always found homework for each class. i would read a few extra chapters, or preview my math homework, or find ways to avoid the ball in anticipation for soccer coming up in gym. so by the time the weekend rolled around, we had nothing but free time.

every now and then, jack would ask me abruptly- "show me your arms. have you been cutting?" i took this as a sign that i wasnt hiding it well enough, and tried harder to maintain it. in truth, there were some aspects that were getting easier to deal with. the fact that i was staying alive indefinitely, and the fact that i was trying, for jack. but thats where the line was drawn. i thought about cutting constantly. i would scrape my nails over old scars, trying to re-feel the pain, i would run cold metal objects aross my skin when no one was watching, just to feel the sense of familiarity. it was a burning desire, and i was never allowed to forget just how much i wanted it.
talking to jack was hard too.
in the beginning, when i had first started my to do list, i opened up quite easily. but now, after four weeks, i felt as though progress should have been made. it hadnt, but i figured jack would love it. so, bit by bit, i began hiding things from him again. or telling him things he would like to hear.
"when we are old and grey, we will tell all our neighbours rumours about our other neighbours. start street scandals." i would say to him. the fact that i was thinking about us becoming old together delighted him. i just wanted to please him.

we were walking to school, just passing by the corner we used to have to meet at, and joined the throng of students walking in the same direction. conversation was difficult, so we just walked. i looked up at jack, who was beaming. how can he just be so happy? for no apparent reason, he is just smiling to himself. i dont understand it at all.
and then i was flying through the air.
a tiny crack of pavement had risen up, just enough for my shoe to catch on and send me towards the ground. my hands rushed out to break my fall, but too little too late. my knees bent and skidded across the coarse concrete, ripping them open. jack bent down immediately, so much more fluid than my own trip to the ground.
"kat? are you alright?"
i rolled over as people walked past us, frustrated more than anything that i had interrupted the flow of the crowd. my knees were pouring with thick, crimson blood, streaming down my bare legs and staining my white socks. i stared at them, enchanted. i had missed this colour, this feeling so much more than i had realised. stunned, i watched my bloody knees while jack removed his bag and fished around inside. he removed a drink bottle and his gym shirt and washed away the beautiful mess. he wrapped the knee that was the worst and moved to pick me up in his arms.
"what are you doing! no way am i letting you carry me to school!"
"dont be stupid, we are going to your house to patch you up."
"jack dont be ridiculous, we are going to be late for school."
"im sure theyll understand, ill give the a ring and explain that we wont be too long."
"fine. but youre not carrying me. i tripped, im not parapalegic."
i hobbled back down the short distance we had come since the corner and turned onto my road.
once in the house, we headed upstairs to my bathroom.
jack sat me on the edge of the sink and set to work on my knees with a first aid kit. i leant back against the mirror and remembered the blood.
"kat?" jacks voice was soft.
"mmm?"
"you liked the blood didnt you?"
i was shocked. maybe i had stared too long?
"i saw you. it was like you missed it, like it missed you."
i remained quiet.
"you need to stop pretending with me kat. i dont mind if youre still in the same exact state you were in three weeks ago, but i need to know. i need to know how youre feeling, to react to what you say. it helps me too you know."
he was standing in front of me now, his face level with mine. he shone his dark eyes at me, sombre and caring.
"i know. but it makes you happy when i smile, or when i act happy or say something funny. i like seeing you smile jack."
"but youre not doing this for me kat, youre doing it for yourself."
"i know." i bowed my head. i couldnt bear looking at him when he was so concerned.
he lifted my chin and forced my gaze to meet his. "i care about you kat, ok, just be honest, thats all i ask."
i nodded. my throat was blocked for some reason. i became suddenly aware of everything. my hands we resting on my legs, jacks hands on top of mine. jack was standing as close as possible without touching my knees. and our faces were very close together.
what? no, no, no, dont kiss jack! no! its jack!
i realised and pulled away just slightly, pretending to lean against the mirror, letting it cool my back.
jack picked up my hands and flipped them over. "let me just get the gravel out of your hands and then we can head to school. it will sting later if we dont."
he pored over my grazed palms and removed anything that wasnt suposed to be there. my mind was racing.
was jack really going to kiss me?
why?
what is kissing like?
why me?
jack could have anyone.
i didnt want to.
did i?
did i?




JACK


there had been many occasions when i thought about kat.
not as my friend.
not as my sister.
but as someone who could very well be my girlfriend.
it was simply unavoidable. all our friends, teachers, parents and even peers would comment on how we were perfect for one another, how we were practically dating anyway, how we suited eachother better than most other couples.
we had come to an unspoken agreement, me and kat. we werent getting together, so it was best just to ignore these remarks and comments. but, as a teenage boy, i coulnt help but let my mind wander.
kat was attractive. gorgeous (not that she would ever agree or even see where i was coming from)
i knew her better than anyone. maybe even herself.
we spent most nights together, and now we were living together.
but throughout the years, we had never had a physical relationship.

huddling up with kat at nights was natural. but it always caught me by surprise when i got an undeniable urge to kiss her neck, or to stare into her dark eyes and tell her exactly how i felt. not that i knew. kat was my best friend. but were these urges ones of the typical teenage boy, or was i really truly falling in love with kat?



KAT

since the day i had scraped my knee up, i had had two major things on my mind. obviously, there were plenty of other things going on up there, but it always came down to the two.
firstly was my fixation on blood. i craved it. i needed it outside, so visible to me, so rich and delicate. i would try and nick my knees while i shaved, or clumsily walk to school or pick the scabs that were forming. just seeing the thick crimson stream erupting from my cream coloured skin set my heart on fire.
the second thing was jack.
i knew that if i hadnt realised when i did, jack and i would have kissed. and the crazy thing is, i had no idea how on earth i felt about that. i had pulled away. was it fear of the unknown? i knew jack had kissed girls before, but i hadnt kissed anyone ever. i was acting weird around him now. i was scared he could read my mind, so i emphasised how good a friend he was. jack wasnt acting weird at all. he just thought i was.
i slept terribly. i writhed around desperate to sleep, but couldnt shake the thought of jack and i together. a million different scenarios popped into my head and were immediately replaced by another.
i was so lost. but at least it distracted me from my bloodlust.

Reckless (Part Six)

when i woke up, my hand was stuck to my face and the other was still firmly around kats. during my slumber, i had not managed to forget that kat was once again in the hospital nearly dead. i saw futures without her, i saw the blood on her floor staining and becoming a constant reminder of her life and her desire to end it, i saw anna, i saw kats parents and i saw myself, crying alone at her funeral.
when i looked around to find the source of my awakening, i saw the same nurse who had helped me earlier.
"shes going to be ok you know," she said brightly. "i was speaking to the doctor before and she said that katherine was going to live."
"living and being ok are two very different things you know." my voice was groggy and my eyes stung. my neck was stiff but i didnt lift it from the bed.
"of course." she seemed put out that her cheery persona hadnt cheered me. she was in the process of changing kats bandages. my head whirled when i saw her arms. gaping cuts were angrily spaced out from the base of her hand right up to her shoulder, on both sides of her arm. it was as though she had put her arm in a blender. there was a thick cream lathered on top of the cuts- to prevent infection i guessed- but it was still plain to see. some of the cuts had been bleeding, seeping through the off white bandages layer by layer. she was so exposed; i desperately wanted to cover her up. if her parents were to walk in at this moment, i had a strange idea they would walk right back out again. she was so helpless- lying in a hospital bed with her cuts open and glaring at anyone who dared to look. worse still, she wasnt conscious, and therefore couldnt protect herself. that was my job but i couldnt do anything. i felt so pathetic.

when kats parents turned up at seven that night, the concern that appeared was genuine, but as soon as the nurse assured them she would live, they relaxed and went to get a coffee. my blood boiled at this. i managed to calm down by holding kats hand and tuning everyone out. i was offered a ride hom from kats mother, and my blank stare seemed to answer her.
once they had gone, i called my mother (without leaving the bedside).
"hey mom."
"going to be home for dinner tonight?"
"no. im at the hospital. kats here again."
"oh god. alive?"
"yeah. just."
"ill finish cooking dinner and bring some with me ok? are you going to be alright jack?"
"only if kat is."

mom bought me a full roast meal and soup. she stayed all of the first night there with me. it was comforting to fall asleep knowing she was there. she was more of a mother than kats ever was.

it was longer this time before she woke up. after four days i began to get anxious. well, more so.
i was sleeping, it was about 8pm and kats mother had been arguing with a nurse when i drifted off. kats hand was in mine at the time, and i silently wept for her as i relaxed into my chair.
when i awoke- so very disoriented- kat was looking at me. a picture of horror. i immediately assumed the worst as the look on her face matched mine.
i tried to be comforting. i wanted to soothe her and reassure her.
"kat." it was all i could think of to say, but the doze had made my throat dry up. it was barely a whisper.
it was obvious right away that my nurse act hadnt worked, as kats eyes welled up. she looked painfully frustrated and eternally sad. sad is too small a word for that- anything else is simply not right.
"its ok kat im here. and im not leaving you."
she frowned at me. then she motioned for writing utensils, and i fished them out of the drawer for her.
being around me is hurting you. you cant save me.
"and by not being around you for a few days, you almost die. again. i would rather be worried but know where you are than being out of your life."
who found me?
"me. i didnt walk to school with you, but i waited til you got to the corner and walked a short way behind you. when you didnt show up, i went straight to your house. jesus, kat. it was so hard for me to be away from you. but anna had convinced me it would be the best thing for you. i dont know why i believed her. i think mostly because i had run out of options."
i love you jack. i want to get better. i dont know how, but i want to be better for you. i dont want you to see me like that ever again.
she loved me. i knew this of course, but it was always good to hear the words. i wasnt so much as grinning, but i knew i had a happy look on my face. i was overcome by and ugre to rip kat from the bed and hug her long and warmly. luckily i had some self control and didnt.
i settled down and kat closed her eyes and started to cry silent tears.

a week and a half later, kat was at home. i never left her side.
with determination, she told us all what she had planned- to get better on her own terms. it scared me so much, because, much as i hated to admit it, i knew she couldnt do it on her own. it was now my mission to stay with her all the time, whether we were at my place or hers. it was just school i was worried about.
but kat was determined- she had even gone so far as to write a list.

• tell jack what is going on in my head.
• do not cut. no excuses.
• try to think of a bright side of everything, no matter how unlikely it is.

i was dubious, but i needed to believe in kat if kat was ever going to believe in herself. she smiled at me then, a mindblowing, proud smile. my whole body felt as though it had been filled with warm honey. i wanted to cry- instead i took a mental picture of this image and stored it away forever.

KAT

it had been three weeks, six days and seven hours since i had been let out of the hospital. i hadnt cut once. mostly due to the thick swathe of bandages covering my arms, preventing me doing so, but i hadnt even cut anywhere else. the bright side to this was that it was making jack happy. that was the bright side to most of the things i had to look at. the downside was (and i never said this out loud) was that i felt like i was about to explode. i wanted to so much- i needed to. instead, jack would hold me around the wrists and i would try and break free, digging my short nails into my palms. it did no good, but i faked it so jack would feel like he was helping. he was. sort of. i guess i was just reluctant to try. i felt so helpless, despite all the help being extended to me. i was caged, and the only way i could get out was by proving that i wasnt going to top myself at the first bit of release.

jack hadnt left my side. normally, i would have loved this. but he wouldnt even leave to let me get dressed. he would turn around, but i was never alone, except for showering and bathroom breaks. it was like being in prison. i knew that it was either this or therapy- more like an institution- but i still couldnt warm up to the fact that i had at least on pair of eyes on me at all times. trapped, indeed.