KAT
we left the dance, running for the car. it was hard to run in a strapless dress and not have it fall down, and it was even harder when jack grabbed one of my hands. i knew i was slowing us down, but it was just too cold. then he picked me up.
"no! jack put me down, put me down!"
he didnt put me down, but we were moving a lot faster now. we were at the car within minutes, and we buckled up and zoomed off.
i was terrified. what was going to happen? i had just had my first kiss, but i still didnt know anything about this sort of thing. i wasnt ready, that much i knew for sure, but i wanted to make jack happy. what would that take?
after the fastest drive home ever, i bolted from the car and ran to the front door, jack following close behind. i needed him back.
he ushered me upstairs while he talked to amelia. i ran up there, nervous beyond compare. i smoothed my hair and wiped off my lipgloss and smelt my breath and then he was there again. he shut the door and charged towards me with such force that i might have fallen over had his arms not been behind my back already. his mouth found mine and thats where it stayed. i threw off his jacket and managed to pull my stockings off with one hand. unable to stand on our shaking legs any longer, we fell back onto the bed. jack was on top of me and i could smell him. he smelt like the deodorant me and amelia had picked out, and clean from a shower, and sweat. it wasnt a bad smell, it just made it more like jack. i breathed it in and nearly passed out.
my arms were in knots around his neck and back and our legs were tangled together too.
my hands found his collar and pulled him closer still. i felt a button move under my finger and prised it open hesitantly. jack didnt seem to mind, or even notice. i opened another, and another. i didnt want to take it off completely, in case his back got cold, but the heat from his chest warmed mine.
some time later, we broke apart. jack grabbed the water bottle and drank deeply before handing it to me. i sipped it and then threw it on the floor, keen to get back to my boyfriend. it sounded so weird. boyfriend was so casual. i hated the way the word sounded.
i felt it was important to reiterate the words i had said earlier. i looked him straight on and just said it. "i love you jack."
his face looked so disbelieving as i said it, as though he thought he might be dreaming.
"i love you kat."
i smiled without moving my lips. my eyes were smiling, if its even possible to do such a thing.
i knew, somehow, that if i was going to do something, i had to do it now. i took my right hand from around his neck and slowly started moving my fingers across his skin. around his neck, his neckline, down his chest...
jack grabbed onto my hand and kissed it. thinking he was just going with the flow like i was, i did it again with my left hand. then he grabbed hold of that too. i frowned.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
i had no idea what to do next. i had just been rejected. it was like all of my worst nightmares come true. i let my hands fall to the bed beside me and closed my eyes. they stung with the promise of oncoming tears, but i held them back, for prides sake.
he kissed my nose. and my cheeks. and my neck and my ears. and it felt so good i didnt want to push him away. i opened my eyes and saw the way he looked at me. he hadnt rejected me because he didnt want me, he did it because he didnt want me to get hurt.
i dont even remember falling asleep. but waking up in the morning was wonderful. i dreamt peacefully of kisses and jack, and woke up the same way i always did. except he wasnt curled up behind me. he had his arm around my neck and i was lying on him, my head resting on his chest, moving slowly up and down with his breathing. i was still in my dress and he was still wearing his dress pants. he had taken off his shirt at some point.
"good morning sunshine." his voice was slightly croaky and... kind of sexy.
i hadnt realised he was awake.
"whats the time?"
"about 4am. why?"
shit. what was i doing awake? "were you up all night?"
"you only went to sleep a few hours ago. yeah. i dont think ill be able to sleep."
"why not?" i asked.
"im terrified ill wake up and it will all be back to normal. its like im dreaming."
"youre not. hey! i slept on it."
"what?"
"you said sleep on it and then we can talk about it. i slept. lets talk." even though the thought of bringing that up with anyone scared me half to death.
"why are you in such a rush?"
"im not." in fact i didnt know why i was so keen to do it. because i wasnt. i was petrified.
"we can talk about it, but im not going to let you do anything stupid."
i decided to come clean.
"i just want to make you happy. like i went to the dance with you, for you. i wore that silly dress and all that make up and went all girly for you. and your mother."
"oh kat. sure i want things, but i want to wait. i havent done it before either you know. you sholdnt be doing it for me, you should be doing it because you want to. ok?"
thank god. there was no way i was ready for that yet. no way in hell.
"and that dress wasnt silly. you looked so beautiful. still do. i wonder how amelia is going to react." it wasnt so much as a question, more like thinking out loud. we continued to lay there until eventually we fell asleep again.
JACK
i was more than happy to stay in bed all day with kat, but unfortunately our stomachs forced us to get out of bed. i got changed quickly while kat showered and ran downstairs.
"god jack, its still morning, why are you up?"
"why not? just hungry"
"so how did it go last night? why did you come home so early? you were only gone for an hour and a half."
"well we got there, and then kat decided to tell me she was in love with me, so we came home. turns out neither of us actually wanted to be there."
"well then it went pretty well i see! your foolish grin gave it away as well. so how was it?"
"we didnt do anything. but it was good. very very good. you ok with us being together?"
"been waiting for it for years. well done for finally getting your act together, the pair of you."
kat walked into the room and i felt my grin grow. the flushed a shade of pink and sat down at the counter next to me. when i looked up at amelia again, she was crying.
"you ok amelia?"
"yeah... i just.... youre finally a couple!" it was hard to interpret what she was saying between sobs, and she rushed off to the downstairs bathroom to wipe away her tears of joy. kat moved her stool closer to me and i put my arm around her.
"what do you want for breakfast?"
"coffee. now. please."
we sat quietly sipping our coffee and enjoying the warm sense of happiness while the morning dragged on. we sat listening to the rain outside and debated on whether or not to go out today. we decided that video games and DVDs were a much more satisfactory idea, so we headed upstairs, shut the curtains in my room and whiled(?) away the afternoon.
it wasnt until very late that night that i realised with a shock that we hadnt finished our math homework from the week before. which wasnt so bad for me, but kat needed help finishing hers. we curled up in the warm bed while i watched her chew the end of her pen as she worked through her algebra problems. here and there i pointed at something on her page and she would go back to it and work it out again until i acknowledged a right answer. halfway through, she fell asleep on my shoulder. working quickly, i wrote the answers down and scribbled a note to her-
KAT- YOU NEED TO DO THE WORKING FOR THESE. LOVE YOU X
and i curled up next to her and slept.
KAT
its probably about time i explained my parents. its not something i know a lot about, but its the sort of thing that needs to be said.
ill start with my dad. his name is richard porter and all he knows is money. he was born into a world of it and knows no different. private schooling, extra tutoring and a large inheritance. his father died when i was still a baby, and his mother, my grandmother, is somewhere in europe, probably chasing after too many young men and having the time of her life. i have only met her a few times when i was still young.
from what i know, richard is in the business of insurance.
my grandmother is katherine the first, and though im not 100% sure, i could bet that she never shortened her name. katherine had never worked, she was supported by her parents and her husband, and when they had all died, she was left with a hefty sum of money that would keep her comfortable for the rest of her life.
my mother, on the other hand, was not born into anything. eleanor worked hard at school, hoping to become a doctor or a lawyer or something someday. she was accepted into a good college where she met my dad. as it turned out, she didnt need the scholarship, she ended up becoming my fathers assistant. he was a CEO of a bank or something. i never paid enough attention or cared enough to try.
my parents had my brother first. his name is joshua, and they insist on calling him that instead of josh. hes is five years older than me. he always had the ambition. he was a natural leader, and when we were kids, he would try and make me do my homework, tutoring me and lording it over me because i just wasnt as smart as he was. joshua knows what he wants. he has a plan. he has lots of plans. he has a daily, weekly, yearly, five yearly, and ten yearly plan. he knows exactly what is going on in every situation, and im pretty sure that these plans are the reason he gets what he wants. all the girls lov him- he is good looking, but not so good looking that he would break their hearts just because he could, he is secure, encouraging and determined. they knew, that if he wanted them, he would have them. at age 22, he had a steady girlfriend. i knew, that at age 23, he would propose, then six months later they would have their amazing wedding and live happily ever after. it made me a little ill. it made my parents happier than i ever made them, and it was for this reason that they favoured him over me. which was fine, because it meant that i could sneak out and they never noticed.
when i moved in with jack, im sure it felt to them like they had lost a child. i dont know if they were sad about it or not, but the enforced weekly dinners stopped after a while. i saw them every now and then, when amelia would feel guilty about stealing me away from them, or we would see them at the store. it was always strangely awkward around them, like they were old best friends or people who knew secrets about me. i tried not to let it get to me, but as much as i disliked them, i sort of missed my parents a little bit from time to time. amelia was always worried i wasnt seeing them enough, or they werent providing enough for me. truth is, they were still sending me large sums of money into my account weekly and monthly. $300 was transferred weekly, and $500 at the start of every month. i never used any of it, except to help out with groceries now and then, or if me and jack went out. neither of us had jobs, as we were told to focus on school, because amelia promised to give us everything we needed. the mortgage on the house wouldnt have been much, if anything, for a tiny 3 bedroom house in a tiny town. we got by on not very much. so i was blown away when i checked my account one afternoon while me and jack were at the mall. he needed new wheels for his skateboard, and i of course joined him.
"oh my god." the card had been sucked into the machine, and was now showing my balance.
"what?" jack leaned over and looked at the screen, nearly falling over himself when he realised what he was looking at.
"five thousand dolllars? what do i need 5 grand for? did they really think i would need all this?"
my head was spinning. i didnt even want to spend it. i didnt earn it, i didnt need or want it, how was i supposed to get rid of it?
"youre so shouting me these wheels i need kat. youve got the rich, i-cant-say-i-love-you-to-my-daughter-so-ill-send-her-copious-amounts-of-money parents, not me. i want a snack too actually." he grabbed me around the waist and put his face very close to mine. it still shocked me when he did this. "kat, im kidding. just leave the money. use it for college or to buy a house or something. ignore it, ok?" i sighed. he was right.
i retrieved my card and we headed to the skate shop.
i think next to home or the streets with his friends, this was his favourite place to be. it was full of skateboards signed by professionals, wheels, shoes, guards, pictures of tricks and people just like him. he loved it. it was a thursday afternoon, but the store was packed. we weaved in and out to get to the counter where we found Blue.
now, dont get me wrong, i like blue, but if i wasnt in the picture, i would bet all five grand in my bank account that jack would be doing everything he could to get with her. she was gorgeous. and i dont mean runway/giggles/shopping/pink things and puppies gorgeous.
i mean blue and blonde hair, piercings everywhere, eyeliner and legs that didnt stop. she was tall and had a huge grin, and could skate. she wore the most outrageous clothes and managed to actually pull it off. and she was nice. even to me, who had no idea what they meant by a 360 grind nose tail switch or whatever. she would smile at me and ask questions. not the bad kind of questions either. i think she understood that i hated questions like 'how are you'. she asked me if the bitchy girls at school were more or less bitchy, if my parents would notice if i dyed my hair green, or if i had ever tried skating. to be completely honest, i had a bit of a girl crush on blue. she was just so cool.
"jack, kat! havent seen you guys in ages! what can i do for you today guys? bit hectic in here today. has been lately." she grinned her perfect but not obnxious smile at us and we grinned back helplessly. then she noticed our hands, weaved together and squealed.
"you guys finally got together? about freaking time."
"yeah i think we were the last to realise. i need new wheels blue. mine are so out of shape. and i would like to get kat here a board."
fuck. i had been hoping this day would never come.
"awesome! well come out back, ill get you sorted."
i followed her out back, and glared at jack. "why?"
"im going to teach you properly how to skate. for that, you need a board."
out back was much the same as out front, but it had racks and racks of plain coloured boards, different shapes and sizes and all without wheels.
"ok! step up here kat, yep just like that. jack, come here and hold her so she doesnt fall over."
i was placed onto a grid on the floor, with marks and shapes all over the place. blue bent over my feet, measuring and muttering to herself. she scribbled out numbers and then stood up again, disappearing behind a rack of green boards. i continued glaring at jack, who seemed annoyingly happy.
when blue reappeared, she was holding a board in her right hand and a set of wheels in the left. the wheels were dropped on the ground and i was told to stand on my board, which was now balanced precariously on a metal contraption, placing the wheels where they would normally be.
"youre kidding right? i cant stand on that thing, ill fall off."
"two inches off the ground? kat, you have the perfect shape for a skateboarder. small and light. its a lot harder for people like me to do it. stupid long freaking legs. hey jack, go get me the tape from the front would you?" he disappeared obediently.
"look kat, if you do this, it will make him so happy. just give it a try. cuts and scrapes just go with the occupation. you dont have to be great, but go. do it." jack arrived back in the room just as i was stepping onto the board. my toes and heels hung over the edges a little, but otherwise it seemed to take my weight well. i clung to jack with my knuckles turning whiter and whiter. blue adjusted a few more things, then i was told to get off.
"all done! come pick it up next weekend, pay then as well. any requests?"
"kat, go ahead, i want to ask blue something."
ok fine. i wandered to the front of the store again, glad to be off the skateboard. jack caught up to me a minute later and we left the shop together.
"what was that all about?" i tried to ask angrily, but my mood had evaporated.
"just a little something. youll see."
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Reckless (Part Eleven)
KAT
it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.
JACK
i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.
KAT
i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.
the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.
JACK
she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.
JACK
i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.
KAT
i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.
the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.
JACK
she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
Reckless (Part Ten)
JACK
i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.
kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."
KAT
jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"
JACK
amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.
KAT
it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"
by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.
AMELIA
i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.
i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.
kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."
KAT
jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"
JACK
amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.
KAT
it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"
by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.
AMELIA
i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.
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