Reckless (Part Five)

when i awoke, i was confused. i had sworn it was kat on the ambulance bed, not me. i smelt the hospital scent burning my nostrils, i heard the squeak of clean rubber shoes on clean linoleum floors, and i felt the authority i was under as i was instructed to lie back down when i realised i was on a gurney and tried to get up.
"what happened? is kat ok?"
"your friend is fine. you hit your head on the way down, but i think you will be ok. we are waiting on the x-rays now."
x-rays??? what was going on?
my confused expression must have alerted the nurse that i had no idea what was going on.
"sweetie, you brought your friend in, then you looked down at your clothes and collapsed. are you a bit tender around blood?" her voice was kindly, but her eyes held a certain hardness that could only be mocking.
"no," i said indignantly. "i think the shock just wore off, and i realised that i didnt know if kat was going to be alive." "well shes still unconscious, but we have her all taken care of. do you want to see her?"
"yes!" i sat up and jumped off the bed, only to grab it as my head spun and my knees shook, bringing me to my knees.
"yes well, youre not in any condition right now. ill get you some water and a banana and in fifteen minutes we will try that again. slowly. lay back down and i will be back in a moment."
i obeyed to make the room stop spinning. i closed my eyes and focused on concentrating. the sooner i could stand upright, the sooner i could see kat. something behind my right ear was throbbing away and i could tell that was where i had hit it. very slowly, i propped myself up on my elbows. it was only slight elevation, but the room and all its contents stayed put. i breathed in slowly and waited for a moment. gradually, i made my up to a sitting position before the nurse came back. she was holding a foam cup filled with water and a banana in her hands.
"well i hope you didnt do that all in one go. room spinning or are you feeling a bit better?"
"its not too bad. head hurts a little. i think i hit it when i fell."
"well the x-rays came back clear, so its probably just a bit bruised. take it easy for the next few days ok? eat that and then keep slowly trying to get up. ill be back in just a minute, dont go until i can see that youre going to be ok. then ill take you to your friends room. wont be long."
she left, her rubber shoes squeaking along the floor as she did.
i ate my fruit and drank my water before i tried getting up agian. i swung my legs over the edge and sat up straighter. slowly, i eased myself down to the ground, securely holding the bed for support. my legs were a little wobbly, so i stood for a minute before attempting to move. i was a little dizzy, but it disappeared after a moment. the nurse appeared, and we made our way carefully down the lobby and into the lift.
i held onto the rail in the elevator, and watched with horror as she pressed the button for intensive care unit. i realised it was what i couldnt give her and my stomach plummeted. but i held on tight so i wouldnt get sent back down and away from kat. we walked down a long hallway. it was so eerie- it was deadly silent. the only sound was the nurses horrible shoes and my soft padding in my sneakers.
it seemed an eternity before we reached kats room. it was closed with no window in the door. i walked in, keeping my eyes on the floor. i knew if i looked at her before i had something to collapse in, i would end up unconscious again. i sat down in the seat next to her bed while the nurse left us in peace. i raised my gaze and saw her. her skin was a pale grey, and tubes spewed from her nose and mouth and hands. there were thick bandages all the way up her arms as though she was in plaster casts. these casts contrasted strongly with the rest of her- there was hardly anything of her. she was so tiny and fragile- i hadnt really realised before. maybe it was her fragile state that made her look so helpless. her hair was matted with blood, though the nurses had cleaned up her face a bit. i hadnt noticed the tears staining my face until now, when one fell onto my hand as it reached for kats. i didnt know where to touch her- the tubes and bandages prevented me from doing so. instead, i pulled my chair closer and touched her face. her eyelids were a deep purple, and so were the bags under them. her lips were pale pink, almost white. she was so discoloured, she looked dead. i rested my head next to hers and wept myself to sleep.

Reckless (Part Four)

from there, things started to change.
not get better, not really, but kat was more honest with me. i knew she struggled with this. when i asked her how she was, she would always think about it before answering. she would screw up her nose and think about how she really was. if she couldnt find the right word for what was going on, she would tell me a little story about something similar, or a clever little analogy, which i would translate into words about feelings.
i always seemed to make her angry, for some reason. i think my reaction was never what she hoped for, or expected. either way, we fought so much with all the cards on the table like this. i hated arguing with her, but i was always the first one to buckle under the pressure of silent treatment. i was much too reluctant that she would take it all too seriously.
the hardest part was hearing her talk about self harm. i knew she thought about it, of course she did, but the regularity and brutality of these thoughts never failed to astound me. out of nowhere, she would announce that she wished there was a blade handy, or marvel at how deep her most recent cut was.
but it wasnt long until i didnt need to ask; a simple tilt of my head or arch or an eyebrow was all it took for her to explain why she wanted to die at that moment.

i remember kat calling me several months later.
"jack, we are going to counselling again."
well, i wasnt prepared for that one.
even on the phone, i didnt need to ask.
"mum wants me to go and i want to prove i cant be fixed with money. ill show her..."
i paused. two sides raged on inside me. good girl kat, dont go succumbing to your mother. shes a horrible person. or good girl kat, maybe you can open up to the therapist this time. but i said neither. instead, i assured her i would be there, and everything was going to be alright.

this time we had a new therapist. she was a bit younger, and smiled warmly. it reached her eyes, not just the corners of her mouth. the room was lighter and brighter. to lighten the mood however, i pounced on the big stereotypical couch and pretended to spill my guts. to my delight, kat joined in with me.
then we all sat down to start.
"hello, how are you both? my name is anna."
there was half a second between the last word out of her mouth and the first out of kats. with faux sincerity and enthusiasm, she replied "fine thanks, how are you?"
i shoved my elbow into her ribs. we werent going to get anywhere if she kept deflecting like that.
"kat just tell me how you really are. tell both of us. like you do with me. otherwise theres no point in us being here." i said. i looked at her, facing my whole body towards her, and urged her on with my eyes. she glared back at me. well, we both knew this was going to be hard. "just pretend its you and me here. like we are sitting on my bed at home."
her face relaxed a tiny bit. obviously, some memory had sprung to her head, thinking about my room and how much time we spent in it.
"it doesnt smell like you here. i cant relax."
i gawked at her inwardly. she was like a little kitten. i pulled off my sweatshirt and gave it to her. she buried her face in it, and spoke from there.
"today i feel numb. everything is surreal. it doesnt feel like im here, its like im on automatic. even though i havent been in here before or met you, i feel like im just going through the motions."
my chest expanded with exaltation. finally.
anna leaned forward slightly and smoothed her face. "now katherine, im going to ask you a few simple questions everytime you come here. so that youre prepared. the answers might change everytime, and they might not. firstly, i am going to ask you how you are. then i am going to ask you how the last week has been for you. and then i am going to ask you about self harm. and then i am going to ask about suicide."
i felt kat freeze beside me. my heart had thudded loudly to a halt as i waited. and waited. and waited- i elbowed her in the ribs again.
she scowled at me.
"you might as well. if you dont like her, dont come back." while saying that, i smiled apologetically over her shoulder to anna. kat was glowering by the time i lowered my gaze.
"fine." kat was just so stubborn.
"ok katherine-"
"its kat." i said.
"kat. when was the last time you harmed yourself?"
"two days ago."
"and why did you do it then?"
"me and mom had an argument."
"did you argue with you mother yesterday?"
"yes. most days."
"why didnt you harm yourself yesterday?"
"jack was there." this last answer shocked me. i didnt know i had had anything to do with her cutting habits.
there was silence in the room for a minute- kat must have thought we were waiting for her to explain, so she went on.
"he makes me not do it. i wouldnt ever dream of doing it in front of jack. i dont hurt as much with jack."
i gawked at her. she looked at me as though i was insane.
"what do you think would happen if jack suddenly wasnt there?"
"i would just go back to normal."
"really? if jack moved away, or died, would you really be able to just continue your life as though he was never in it?"
this i wondered also. kats mind was elsewhere. her eyes were unfocused and she seemed completely unaware of her surroundings. i realised she might have been imagining a scenario that anna had depicted a second ago.
the silence became too long, and anna spoke up.
"kat?"
"well, without jack, i wouldnt really be here. it wouldnt be worth living."
"kat, have you ever considered that this is an unhealthy relationship? putting your entire life on someone elses survival of their day to day life?"
kat didnt say anything. in fact, she didnt seem to be paying attention at all. she looked bored.
i glared at her. she had been doing so well, and her stubborness was preventing her from continuing to do so.
anna was obviously on the same page as me. when kat looked up, she saw the looks on our faces and apologised.
"katherine, can i see your scars?"
i knew that was a bad move.
kat got up and left the room without a noise.
as i moved to follow her, anna caught my eye and made me sit back down.
"jack, can we talk for a little bit? i get the feeling you just dont know how to help her."
"i just want her to stop wanting to die," i said sullenly. my hands were limp in my lap and i gazed down at them without seeing. my mind was split in two- one half was with kat, wondering how bad the cuts would be, and the other half was here, hoping to figure out how to help her.
"you cant make that happen. i know you want to, and from the sounds of things, if it were possible, you would have made her better long ago. but the descision is hers to make jack."
"i cant just wait. wait for her to try again, wait for her to die. i dont know if i can go on without her either."
"you wont have to. unfortunately, kat has to reach rock bottom before she can make her way up again."
"is this not rock bottom now? because its hell."
"no. she has you. that makes her life worth living. its what gets her through."
"so i have to leave her? is that what youre saying? because all thats going to do is kill her. im not leaving her."
"you have to jack. there is a way to do it though. it is going to hurt both of you. but in the end, kat will want to make the necessary changes."
"ill hear you out. i cant promise that i will follow through, but ill listen to what you have to say."
"distance yourself from her. disinterest, being busy, other priorities, they will all start to separate you both. this will no doubt cause curiousity for kat. you two have always been together, so this time apart will confuse her a lot, and will eventually ask you for an explanation. the hardest thing- you have to tell her you cant take it anymore. be cold. and then leave."
"no."
"why not?"
"because this itme she will end up killing herself."
"keep an eye on her. you know where she is and when. follow her home from a distance. call her house and ask her parents to check on her more regularly. its possible jack."
i sat and thought about it. i saw her eyes when i told her goodbye. a cold hand closed around my lungs and squeezed the air out until i was gasping. it was not possible. no way.
"i cant. i cant make her hurt like that."
"jack, have you ever heard the saying, 'its got to get worse before it can get better? that applies here. try it."
i thought about that now. i thought about kat coming in here to see anna. begging for help. begging to live.
"ok." the defeat was barely a noise.
i walked home, consumed by fear and dread. saying goodbye to kat was the one thing i vowed never to do to her. and now i was going to do it. in order to make her better. there was a huge chance that she could end up dead. both of us.
i walked straight home. despite thinking of nothing but kat, she was the last person i wanted to see right now.
i grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen, called out to my mother that i was home, then went to my room and shut the door. i put my food aside, then turned up my music. i needed to stop thinking. i focused on the music, on nailing the guitar chords (the few that i had remembered from guitar lessons when i was 13) and making up new lyrics. it didnt take long before i collapsed on my bed. unfortunately, it smelt like kat here. i groaned and turned off the music. ignoring it wasnt going to be any help. i needed to be cold. but tonight, i couldnt let her be alone. i didnt want her to cut.
the phone rang and i knew i hadnt thought enough about this. i didnt know how to be mean to kat.
"hey jack."
"hey." i put all my effort into sounding bored and angry.
"whats up? too cold for you?" her voice was light, as though this afternoon hadnt happened at all.
"no, not really." closed answers i could manage.
"where did you go then?" kat said. i could tell she was getting a little frustrated now.
"you shouldnt have run out like that, kat. it was really immature." ooh. that was a little harsh. insulting her probably wasnt the best idea. even though she had been acting quite childish.
"i wasnt about to sit there and have her ask about my scars jack." her tone implied there was no argument to her case.
"you could have just said no." i knew that would stump her. "look, i have to go, ill be over later ok?" i couldnt not see her. it would kill us both.
"sure, see you then."
i hung up, feeling hollow. my ears were ringing and my knees were suddenly very unstable.
all i knew was that if kat cut tonight, i would be uncontrollably angry.
i spent most of the night working on homework i couldnt focus on, and listening to music i suddenly hated. all the songs were our songs. i just wanted to stick my head in the sand until this was all made magically better.
at 11.pm, i pulled a jacket over my pjs and some old trainers and climbed out of the window. it was freezing, so ran fast. the wind whistled through my hair, numbing my face and stinging my eyes. i was still angry at kat for running out on me and grumpy because of what i was attempting to do. i knew anna would tell me i was doing this wrong by seeing her tonight, but i needed her to be ok.
i climbed the tree and jumped onto her roof. not bothering to be quiet, i shoved the window open and climbed in. her room smelt amazing. i inhaled it, remembering it forever. it made my head whirl a little. i removed my jacket and shoes and ducked under the covers. it was warm under here, her electric blanket was still on. the contrast between my hands and feet and hers was enough to give her goosebumps. i reached for her arms roughly and checked for fresh cuts. there werent any, to my great relief and surprise. i bundled her up in my arms and waited for sleep to come, setting my watch alarm before i drifted off. i buried my face in her hair, dreaming of a future we both wanted, but only half of us had dreamed about.

when my alarm went off, it was 5am. same as normal. reluctantly, i opened my eyes. kat was now facing me, her nose so close to mine i could feel her gentle breathing on my face. she looked so sad. it pained me to see her like this. it all brought back what had happened the day before. this could be the last time i ever did this. so i made it last. softly, silently, i lifted my hand and ran my fingers down her face, from her temple to her jaw. i closed my eyes and committed her scent to memory. i had to lose her, either way. i left silently. for anger to taint this image and this moment was to burn a perfect rose for simply being.

i walked home. i was so utterly devastated that i didnt even notice the icy air cutting at my nose. everything felt a dream; all i could see was kat. i could smell her and see her small face, crinkled in pain and sadness. this haunted her everywhere. it felt as though i was stepping in the natural path of things by making her stay alive. all for my own selfish needs. i didnt care. i needed kat. and she needed me, but i needed to find something to make her want to stay alive. anna was right.
i got home and into the shower. mom never minded that i came home at 5am every morning and left at 11pm. she knew exactly where i was. my hands and feet and face burned under the hot water. i stood there, lost in a daze, losing track of time. it wasnt until mom knocked on the door that i realised i had spent far too long there. my hands were wrinkly and i didnt feel any more resolved.
in my room, my diligent side took over and pulled out some homework. i managed to write a few hundred words for an essay that wasnt due until the following week, and half a page of algebraic equations. i was dressed and ready for school at seven o'clock. i flopped down the stairs to eat something.
"morning jack. everything ok?"
"not really. too much thinking going on, thats all."
my mother was an odd type. she worked at a bank, and had done since she left school. it was a secure job, and it paid for everything we needed. her personality, however, clashed outrageously with her job description.
she was an artist, though not limited to one field. out of our four bedroom house, one was mine. the rest were mini art studios. covered in mess, the house was a goldmine- if you could find your way through all of it. photographs in black and white covered the walls in some places, large canvases in others. oil, acrylic and watercolour, large small, abstract, modern. sculptures were everywhere- from little jewellery pots, to fully glazed plant pots. all her jewellery was hand made as well, in every colour bead possible. balls of wool littered the floor, pierced with knitting needles as stitch holders. fabrics and trims exploded out of sewing boxes everywhere, and our linen cupboard couldnt close due to the amount of quilts she had created. i loved it.
my mom was the understanding type- she let her sixteen year old son sneak in and out of the house and have his best friend sleep in his bed on a regular basis. we talked about my life, and she knew what was going on in kats life. she was more of a mother to kat than kats ever could be.
but even now, when i knew i should tell her, i couldnt bear to bring myself to break her heart by telling her what i was going to do. because i knew that my mother knew what it would do to kat.
instead of spilling my guts, i reached for the cereal and filled my bowl. then i put four slices of bread in the toaster. i was hungry, and it was a miracle amelia managed to feed me. i downed my breakfast, then finished getting ready. i glanced at my mirror on the way out. the huge bags under my eyes were a dead give away, and my untamed hair told secrets i would never divulge.
i took the long way to the corner, dragging my feet. nothing registered- if i hadnt walked it a million times before, i might have ended up lost. but i reached the corner and perched myself on the fence like normal. i waited for kat to turn up like normal. but instead of asking how she was as she approached, i merely glanced in her direction to acknowledge her and we began walking without a word.
the entire walk to school, i kept my eyes on my feet and my head in my thoughts. i could tell she was getting sick of it but i didnt act first. as we neared the school gates, she gave up and asked.
"whats wrong jack? are you still angry at me for walking out yesterday?"
"what?" i looked up at her reluctantly.
"are you angry at me from yesterday still?" her brow was furrowed and she was getting angrier by the second. i had to leave before i succumbed to her eyes begging me to stay and explain. i was glad to see the gate to my school and parted ways with her.
"oh, sure. see you later, kat." i walked away from her, resisting the urge to turn back and see what she was thinking. i walked to class and fought back the tears. at an all boys school, crying was strictly forbidden. so i held it back all day.
at lunch time, i text kat. i knew, either way, her day was going terribly. "DONT CUT KAT. DONT." i had the feeling the knife would be in her hands and sliding through her scarred flesh as soon as i sent the message.

the walk home was just as bad as the way to school this morning. as we approached the corner, i quickly made an excuse for not seeing her that night.
"i wont be over tonight kat, i have a big math assignment with connor." lie.
"oh, me too, will you come over tonight?" she looked slightly put out by this.
"no, i need some sleep." lie again.
"you sleep at my house just fine." her frown was deep and her eyes were darkened by anger.
"i cant, kat. talk later, bye." i turned to leave her then, but paused and spun around, wrenching her sleeves up. surely enough, there were fresh gaping cuts that had barely stopped bleeding. "i told you not to. is there any point in me trying anymore?" i wanted her to hurt. this was hurting me so much, how could she not see it? i wanted her to hurt for making me hurt. i knew it was the anger talking, but i didnt care. at that moment, i wanted her to see how much this was cutting me up.
the second i got home, i text kat again. i knew it wasnt going to do any good, but i did it anyway. "DO. NOT. CUT. AGAIN. SERIOUSLY KAT, I HATE IT."
there was no reply, and i knew her hands were busy.

i spent that night working on homework, and when that was done, i studied for exams that werent looming for a few months yet. i had turned off my cell and unplugged my house phone. i had heavy music playing to try and drown out the sound of my thoughts.
when the window opened at ten thirty, i jumped. normally, if kat and i were on better terms, she would be here at 11. but now she was not only early, but uninvited. or more, unwanted. i didnt want to have to send her home or give her an explanation. i wanted her to curl up in my bed with me and nurse her wounds.
"what are you doing here, kat?" i knew. she wanted an explantaion, and the one i had to offer was not going to be what she wanted to hear.
"im sick of you acting so weird. whats going on?" god she was so adorable when she tried putting her foot down. focus.
"you would know if you had stuck around yesterday. im distancing myself from you, and im going to see anna agin next week to tell her how youve been without me." there. i had all my cards on the table.
"why? why would you do that to me?" she was bewildered, her voice reduced to a mere squeak.
"you need to get better kat. its not going to happen if i let you cut all the time, if youre not going to let me help you in any way i know how. you wont go to therapy, and most certainly not on your own. anna said when you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. im stopping you from hitting rock bottom. so dont come over for a while kat. dont meet me at the trail, dont meet me at the corner. and i wont text you or call you. hit rock bottom, kat, and ill see you when you start making your way back up."
again i fought back the tears. i hadnt wanted to die before now. now i wanted to leave kat here and just stop being so bad for her. but i needed to be strong, because kats knees suddenly gave way. it was a miracle i was still standing too, but i held her up. i ached to hold her and cry with her until she fell asleep but i didnt. i sat her down, pulled on shoes and a coat, and took her home. i couldnt bear waiting for her to get to sleep. being in her room was making my skin burn. my mouth was dry. i knew that if i wanted to scream, no sound would come out.
i staggered home and walked through the front door. i collapsed in my bed, tired from carrying kat, and from the draning effort it took to turn my best friend away. now she had no one.
i had no one either.

when i woke up, i dressed and left. i had slept in, and so i got to the corner just as i saw kat leaving. i kept my distance to keep an eye on her. at least she was alive still.

the days dragged on. it was a ritual. watch kat on the way to school, watch her on the way home, and call her parents at 10.30 to make them check she was ok.

the morning kat didnt turn up at the trail, i waited. maybe she was late. i waited for twenty minutes, but i knew what was happening. kat was never late. i just didnt want to see the haunting image i knew i would see if i walked through her bedroom window.
but i did it. i climbed in, nearly slipping on her blood, and bandaged her up after calling an ambulance. i was slightly calmer this time. i assumed i was in shock. they piled her up in the ambulance while i wrote a brief note- at hospital again. early this morning. jack. then sat calmly next to kats dying body in the vehicle as they rushed to the hospital.
as it turned out, i was in shock, despite being prepared for it. when it wore off, i looked at my blood-soaked clothes and passed out.

Reckless (Part Three)

So i continued to watch kat injure herself, never letting her know how much it was hurting me. there were days when i nearly screamed at her, explicitly asking why she did it, and some days i wanted to just curl up in bed and not deal with it. some days i just wanted to be able to have my own bad day. her moods would always throw me off, and i was always left with my mouth hanging open, wondering what on earth just happened. my aim in our relationship was to be reliable and even tempered. i was the one person who never judged her. it was a struggle to maintain this.

the day kat tried to kill herself, i nearly died. in the morning, i had been playing computer games at her house, and i had left my memory card at her house. it had been about two hours since i had left the first time, so i ran back over, not really watching where i was going. it was a route i had taken countless times, it was something i could do in my sleep. until i ran out onto the always quiet road and almost got hit by a car. the driver was speeding around the corner, and i was speeding across the road. it was both of our faults, but the driver insisted on screaming abuse and threatening calling the police. i rolled my eyes and kept running.
i was meant to be home doing chores for mum, but i figured she wouldnt notice if i kept my music playing and didnt take long. i climbed up the tree outside kats window- what a silly idea. what parent has a tree outside their teenage daughters window? really now?- and lifted her window. at first i didnt see her, as my eyes adjusted to the dark room compared to the bright harsh sunlight outside. then i smelt the alcohol. i knew kat wasnt a fan of the stuff. she had it a few times, but didnt like the taste or the burning sensation of strong liquor. then i saw her and i nearly died. she was covered in thick red blood. it was already starting to dry around the outside, but it was still pouring from her arms. the wooden floor was slippery and the empty bottle of pills was on the floor. i grabbed the bottle and put it in my pocket, then ripped her pillowcases off her pillows and wrapped them tightly as i could around her wrists and arms. i called the ambulance and then waited. i knew the urgency in my voice was clear, but the time it took for them to get there could have been the difference between life and death. it was then that i knew what would happen. if kat died, i would too. there was no two ways about it. i simply couldnt go on without her.

when kat woke up days later, my heart burst with relief. i could see the disappointment in her eyes and could tell that she hadnt intended on living through this. sheer shock ran through me when i realised for one split second that a part of me wished i hadnt saved her. let me put it this way- she was miserable being alive. all she thought of and dreamt of was dying. i took her dreams away from her. but essentially i was selfish. i wanted her to be alive, because i knew i couldnt go on without her. so now i swallowed my human nature and quietly answered her questions.

for five days i sat by kats bed. i hated hospitals. they smelt so bad, exactly how a bad memory is supposed to smell. i knew this smell would haunt me everywhere i went. if i broke my arm skating and went to the emergency room, i would smell the scent of disinfectant and fear and death and be immediately rushed back here, where my best friend lay, unconscious. she had come so close to dying. this was not a place i ever wanted to be. i had imagined it many times before. but the reality was so much worse than the imaginary. the highlight of it all was when kat squeezed my hand. it was always when my head was getting away on me. emotional breakdowns. out of nowhere, kat would very very gently squeeze my hand. i knew it was her way of calming me. she wasnt even awake, but she knew i was going through hell.
it always surprised me, because i was hoping so much that she would wake up. the nurse explained to me that it was a lot like sleep walking. except she wasnt walking, she was just letting me know she was going to be ok. it soothed me, and the nurses calm clear voice made it better. her calling was definitely as a nurse. the moment where kat let me know everything was ok, i always looked up. i had so much hope- i needed her to wake up so badly. when i looked up and saw her looking back at me, i nearly burst open. i was so filled with emotions i couldnt even identify that i couldnt even speak at first. kat spoke instead. it was the sureness of her words that made me certain she had been awake longer than she let on.
"jack. i love you jack. and im sorry."
"i love you too kat. why did you do it? why didnt you call me? i would have been there in one minute. i know i cant make it better, but does this make it any better? you spent your seventeenth birthday here, nearly dead." my words came out in a rush- it was as though i had only a tiny amount of time left to tell her everything i could. this urge needed to go away. i knew if i didnt calm down, kat would see the desperation and fear in my voice and panic. so, taking a tip from the nurse before, i made my voice soothing, like aloe vera on sunburn. i inhaled and exhaled before i looked up.
kat was looking at her surroundings. she looked confused, which in turn confused me. surely she knew she would end up in a hospital if she didnt reach her goal? unless she hadnt thought about that. which would have surprised me. because kat was a stickler for attention to detail. everything she could control, was made perfect. so in theory, her death would have been a perfect sucess. i didnt have time to focus on that though, because kat was looking into my blank eyes with tears welling. i figured i should explain, because being unconscious for that long, people generally tend to want to know whats been going on while they werent present in the world.
"they had to pump your stomach, and give you a blood transfusion or two. they said you were going to be sore when you wake up. are you in much pain?" it felt as though someone had winded me, as i realised she would be in so much pain. not only emotional- she failed the only dream she ever had- but physical too. i struggled to remain in the conversation and keep her calm- i would panic later.
"not that the doctors can fix. how long?"
as she said the words, i worked to ignore the lack of air that made me want to scream as the pain of her pain beat me up.
"today is thursday. you have been here since saturday. so, about five days."
kat didnt say anything, so i hesitantly took her fragile hand in mine. they were cold and clammy; i could tell she was stressed. there were tubes coming out of the back of her hands, and bandages al the way up her arms. i could see a faint brown tinge in some places. more pain, so i began rubbing small circles into the back of her hand. it soothed me, and i hoped it would have the same effect on her.
out of nowhere, kat decided to give me a tiny detail. i lapped it up, knowing it was a rarity. "i was going to write a note, but i didnt know what to say."
this sort of shocked me. i would have thought that she would have left me a note. or maybe i just liked to think that she would have. i was just so curious, it pained me that if she had succeeded, i would hever have unraveled the mysteries that kat kept hidden in her head.
i took a breath and let it out quietly, so that kat wouldnt know it was a sigh.
"did you do it intending to die, kat?" i kept my eyes on my fingers which were still rubbing small soft circles into kats small soft hands.
"yeah. yeah i did jack. failure, right?"
sort of, i thought. but im so happy you failed this one thing.
"not a failure. im so glad i found you. worst thing ive seen in my life, but i found you just in time."
"i wish i had got it right. im going to have to face everyone now. oh god what did my parents say?"
this was something i didnt want her to know. at least not the details.
"they... well they were genuinely shocked kat." that would suffice. the last thing she needed was to know how angry they had been at her. as though that wouldnt send her back to insanity.
"really? did they not have the slightest idea that something was wrong?" she hung her head, thinking.
i let her think for a while, while i thought. her parents had some clue, of course. but they didnt want to delve. the fear of finding something they couldnt fix with money terrified them. and so they gave her space, which is what they thought would be best. apparently not. i wondered if they would change their habits now, if an attempted suicide would wake them up and drive common sense into them. unfortunately, kats parents werent ones to learn from their mistakes.
i looked up at kat. her head was still down, but her eyes were on me, carefully analysing my face and trying to decipher what it was that she saw. at that moment, i had no idea what was written in my eyes, on the shape of my mouth, in the angle of my eyebrows. i simply knew that letting kat out of my sight was going to be nearly impossible. i was quite content with never leaving her side.


upon leaving the hospital, kat was told that she was to go and see a psychologist. this scared me. kat would never do it, and the thought of being made to would surely send her over the edge. i grasped her hand tightly. i needed to protect her. i wasnt sure how to do it, but i figured this would be one hell of a step. she needed me as much as i needed her to be alive.
"ill be right next to you the whole time kat, dont you worry." i pushed every ounce of sincerity into my eyes. she needed to believe everything was going to be alright, and i wanted to be the one to make her. a big tear welled in her eye until she blinked it away and nodded.


it was later that week that we had kats first therapy session. i was nervous about it. i wasnt sharing my past, but kats past was entwined into mine so much that i was wound tight enough, that at the first prod, i was sure to explode. so we entered and sat down. the chair was uncomfortable- the small room was built to look prestigious, but had missed due to the cheap imitation leather and terribly mismatched fittings. off to a bad start in my mind. it was dark; dimly lit by several different lamps. i supposed they were aiming at a warm comforting feel.
the lady in front of us was in her late fifties. she was still attempting to hide her graying hair with peroxide- her dark roots were emerging from her scalp. her skin was not terrible- i few wrinkles here and there, but her lips were thin. she looked intolerant and stressed. much like a stroppy school principal.
we got settled, and all introduced ourselves. kat was gripping my hand tightly, and i was holding hers much the same.
"so katherine. why did you decide to kill yourself?"
i felt kat wilt next to me and that was it. i exploded.
"who the hell do you think you are? who are you to just spit it out like that? tactless bitch, how dare you?" i was on my feet, one of my hands clenched into a fist, the other was still hoding kats. she did not try and pull me back down, she just made sure i didnt move forward.
taken aback, the therapist looked at me, completely stunned. "i... i apologise jack. perhaps that wasnt the wisest of words. i am so very sorry, both of you."
i took a deep breath. kat gently tugged at my hand and i sat down, holding both of her hands now. she rubbed patterns in the back of my hands to soothe me, and it worked.
the rest of the session went badly. after we had calmed down, she asked kat how she had got to this point. after a few silent minutes, kat sighed and said she didnt know.
another flame of anger lit up- the womans eyes lit up with dollar signs. this girl was clearly damaged. many therapy sessions to cure this one. it took a lot for me to stay seated.
five more sessions followed this one. each time, kat seemed anxious. she never gave any information out at all. most of her answers were 'i dont know'. i was proud of her for this- i wanted her to be safe from this woman. she didnt seem trustworthy, and i was happy kat saw this too.
on the downside, kat didnt seem to be getting any better. when her bandages came off, she started cutting again right away. i could hardly believe it.
kat started missing therapy. at first she was sick. which was believable because she had been feeling unwell the past couple of days. on the other hand, she might have been putting in more effort so we would let her out of it.
the next week she had a big assignment due. which was pulled out on the day of therapy- it wasnt something she had been working on at all until that point.
the third week she just disappeared. we all tried calling her, and i went out looking for her, but she came home three hours later, claiming to have lost track of time. for some reason i was mad at her.
at therapy, i was happy she kept quiet. but when she didnt show up, it made me nervous, as though she was heading further downhill. but i ignored the feeling, and remained close by her side.
the night after she 'lost track of time', she came over to my house. we were listinging to her favourite song after watching a movie, sprawled out on my sunken bed.
"kat, you really dont like therapy do you?"
she rolled her eyes. i couldnt see, but i knew she was. it was so obvious.
"no, jack i hate it. she so fake. how can i spill my guts to someone i can see right through?"
i grinned triumphantly. i was happy kat saw her as she was. though she couldnt see my face.
but how was she going to get better? how was the cutting going to stop? everytime i left her, my bones were chilled in fear of never seeing her again. my dreams were filled with images of her lying on her floor, covered in blood and dying. i needed to find a way to make her get better. this was not the way to do it, by seeing a psychologist who thought more about money than kat. we both needed to wake up and make changes. i just didnt know what they were.
filled with a sudden fierce desire to make kat want to live, i growled "i just want you to stop wanting to die."
when i looked up at her, my eyes were filled once again with the burning sincereity that i used only to make her trust me. i was determined to make her see what i saw in her.
she seemed to be thinking about her reply. something in her eyes made her look defeated.
"so do i jack. so do i."