Reckless (Part Twenty)

needless to say, when lissie came to me crying, i was mortified. i had no idea what to think, so i calmed her down slowly, and asked her if she wanted to talk aboutanything.
"i cant!" she sobbed, fresh tears welling in her big eyes. i still couslnt work out what colour they were, they were like a pale goldy-green colour that changed frequently. sometimes they looked greener, sometimes there were flecks of blue, and sometimes they darkened to a brown colour.
"thats ok then, you dont have to tell me anything, but i want to help you stop crying, are you sure youre ok?"
"i'm ok, but, oh will i wish i could help!"
i hugged her gently, smoothing her hair back and tucking it behind her ears. i rubbed her back soothingly until her tears halted and her breath was hiccups.
i handed her the water bottle and we sat down on the edge of my bed.
"oh god its killing me. ok ill tell you, but you have to swear not to tell anyone ok? especially kat. promise?"
"i promise, but you really dont need to tell me if you have to keep it secret."
she waved her hand. "you know how kat has depression right?"
i knew, but not because anyone had said it outright. i nodded.
"i was curious, so we have been talking about it a lot lately, and she showed me her arms and everything, and-"
"her arms?"
"yeah, theyre so scarred will, you should see them. they look like burns. it broke my heart."
well at least that explained her love of cardigans.
"anyway, i walk in to the room yesterday, and shes got that diary jack wrote her open next to her, shes crying, and shes got my pencil sharpener blade in her hand! i didnt know what to say will, i dont have experience with any of this. so i read the next entry out to her, to help her remember why she doesnt cut anymore. its so heartbreaking will, my god. the entry i read out loud to her is the first entry he wrote after the first time she tried to kill herself. he found her in the floor in a pool of her own blood." she stopped, knowing this was enough information for the both of us. i held her tightly, and we rocked gently back and forth. i knew kat had depression, but i hadnt known it was so serious. though i couldnt say anything without landing lissie in it.
after spilling her secret to me, lissie and i had our usual night in. we watched a movie and ate dinner, then we fell into bed with each other. she managed to remove my jeans this time, and though we didnt get any further than that, it was a very... open situation to be in. when i lay on top of her, i tried not to lean on her much, but when we swapped, she loved it. i knew it wouldnt be long before we ended up going all the way, and i was nervous. i had only had sex once before, in high school with a girl i didnt know when i was drunk. it was embarrassing, but i didnt want to tell lissie. i would rather her think i was a virgin.
when we grew too tired to keep it up, she laid her chin on my chest and looked at me thoughtfully. her eyebrows knitted together a little and i smiled. she was so beautiful.
"will, i have a question."
"mmm?"
"are you a virgin?"
"yeah i am. are you?"
"yeah, me too. i was just wondering. ive sort of been thinking about it lately is all."
"we dont have to do anything you dont want you lissie, you know that," i said gently, brushing her cheekbone lightly with my fingertips.
"i know. i was just thinking about whether im ready or not. you know."
"mmm?" i didnt want to say anything demanding or that could be misunderstood.
"i think i am."
wow. i didnt think she was quite yet. "are you sure?"
she nodded, lifting her head slightly so she could. "like i said, ive been thinking a lot about it. i really think i am. what about you? have you been thinking much about it?"
"not a huge amount to be honest, until now. and you want to? with me?"
"well theres no one else silly. i dont want to push you into anything, but i thought i would let you know, you know, in case you were wondering at all."
"im glad you told me liss. not tonight though ok? lets just not plan for it though. i dont want you to be nervous about anything."
"ok." and she kissed me slowly, both her hands on my face, then slid beside me, her head resting comfortably by my shoulder. our legs were tangled up as usual, and we fell asleep together.

i woke up an hour or so later, and lissie too as a result of my moving to check the time. it was eleven at night, and i sat up to pull on my clothes.
"what are you doing?"
"im going to walk you home silly. come on, i know youre tired, but you can get into your pjs and into bed soon."
"i want to stay here."
"liss, you dont have any pyjamas or anything."
"i dont care. i want to stay here with you tonight. please?"
"ok. here, you can borrow a shirt of mine to sleep in if you want." and i rifled through my tshirts to find one big enough. it was red, and big on me, so when i came back in the room after she had changed, it was nearly to her knees. "you look gorgeous," i said.
she laughed, and pulled me into bed. her energy seemed to have come back to her, and she pulled me on top of her once more.


I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK, ILL WRITE IT ALL ON WORD AND COPY AND PASTE. IT WONT BE PERMANENT, BUT IM NOT SURE WHEN I WILL BE BACK.

Reckless (Part Nineteen)

over the next few weeks, my life straightened itself out. i called amelia and apologised, and told her about will and lissie and all the tiny little things that were happening in college. i missed her more than i had realised, and i called her most nights just to hear her voice and talk about all the boring day to day things we took for granted before i left.
i was doing really well in my classes, the essay on poetry i had written got an A- which i pinned to my corkboard. it was the highest grade i had ever gotten, and it pushed me forwards to try and get an even better grade. when i told amelia i could hear in her voice she was trying not to cry of pride.
lissie and will were going well, they spent almost all their time together. as a result i was minus a room mate and a study partner, but i figured if they were happy, i would get over it. i kept my eyes peeled for any groups i might want to join, but none appealed to me really. i had got to know a lot of people in classes and tutorials, on my dorm floor, but none too closely. i went to more parties but stopped drinking and still managed to enjoy myself.
the weather had started getting colder so i dragged out old hoodies and sweatpants to go for my walks. the leaves were all on the trees still, and bright colours of red and brown and gold fluttered in the chilly breeze. i loved autumn, so i made a habit of taking my camera with me whenever i left the building. all in all it was a good atmosphere, but i had to work so hard to get all my work done. lissie and i pushed our desks facing one another so we could test eachother, but it worked. her grades, which she had found harder to maintain than high school, were back up to where they were before she was partying and with her boyfriend all the time. we were both getting As and Bs, and we were both so proud, we decided to go out and celebrate one friday night.
"whats one night of not studying huh? im sure we can have a night off every now and then!" she had exclaimed when i asked her on the thursday night. we were watching tv in the common room with most of the other people from our floor. it was now tradition- dinner at seven, then when we were done we all came up to the common room to watch tv, play board games, catch up with friends and just chill out before the intense load of study fell on our shoulders for the night.
so the next day, i put on a nice pair of shoes that hadnt been wrecked yet, and a nicer top with a cardi that lissie loaned me. we walked into the village, where most of the shops were and found a little japanese place. we hurried in and ordered big bowls of ramen noodles with fried dumplings and peach tea. we gossiped and i told her a bit more about my depression.
"i know you wont want to talk about it much ket, but i sort of have a few questions, you know, about having depression? ill ask, and if you dont want to answer, just say no thanks or something. i wont be offended or anythng, but i dont want to offend you either. is that ok?"
i agreed. lissie had been good to me, and i wouldnt be doing so well if i had anyone else as a roomie.
"ok. well i dont know much about it at all. i have crappy days, but is it different for you?"
"sort of. my good days were usually about the same as your day from hell. you feel like shit, all the time. everyone talks about you, no one talks to you, you dont want to try and do anything. from homework, to getting out of bed, to participating in anything. even jack couldnt cheer me up when i was really bad."
"wow. i cant imagine that at all you know? ive always been like a positive thinker, always thinking 'it could be so much worse for me' you know?"
"im really happy you can be able to say that liss, but i cant imagine that either. i always used to ask jack why he was just smiling. not thinking of anything in particular, he just had a smile on his face. it used to baffle me."
"did you ever, you know..."
"you can say it liss."
"did you ever want to die?" she whispered to me.
"every single second of every single day. i tried as well. twice."
she gasped, horrified. i shouldnt have been so blunt. i began to apologise.
"but what about jack? you still wanted to die even though jack loved you? you had a best friend, and you still wanted to?"
"yeah. i didnt feel like i deserved him. when i moved in with him and his mum amelia, i didnt really have a reason to be depressed anymore, but that didnt change anything."
"ok youre probably not going to want to answer this next one, you can excuse yourself if you hate me for asking. how did you do it?"
"wha-? oh." i lowered my voice for her. "i took a huge amount of sleeping pills. my mothers whole stash. and a bottle of vodka. and i cut my wrists. i wanted it done right. i cant even begin to tell you the despair and humiliation of failing."
"oh my god. im happy youre still here!"
"if jack hadnt left me that diary, i probably wouldnt be. i think he knew that."
we sat in silence for a while, digesting the conversation. i knew it was hard for lissie to comprehend, so i let her head relax. it was really weird telling someone all this. it was also weird having someone like lissie not hating me because of this.
we were getting ready for bed a few hours later, finishing homework and tidying up our stuff from the day while wiping off make up and getting changed when she asked me. i knew it was coming, but it didnt make it any easier to hear her say it.
"kat, would you mind if, i mean, could i maybe see your scars?"
i stiffened. i still didnt know whether to say yes or no. "maybe another time lissie? its all really new to me, this whole open sharing thing."
"sure! i thought you would say no. i guess it was pretty inconsiderate to ask."
"no, it really wasnt. it will be a lot easier not having to hide them from you, but its going to be a huge thing for me to just roll up my sleeves and show you. are you sure youll be able to handle seeing something like that?"
"i dont know. it hasnt scared me away talking about it, as you can see, but im just sort of intrigued by it, as crass as that is. its something im unfamiliar with, but its such a huge part of society these days, i almost feel like im missing out by not having any knowledge on it. like partying and all the other things im getting to do here i guess."
"i see. well, how about this, i wont take so much care to try and hide it from you, and if you happen to see them, you dont have to say anything if it does freak you out. if you want to see them some more, well, ill see how i feel as i go. deal?"
for some reason her big eyes lit up. "ok!"
as i fell asleep that night, listening to lissies breathing slow down, i ran my fingers over the bumps and dents in my arms. it tickled a little, and when i closed my eyes tight enough, i felt jack behind me, running his warm fingers up and down my arms absentmindedly, his breath in my ear tickling me and sending shivers all down the side of my body. i felt his knobbly knees in the back of mine, and heard him whisper to me gently, over and over again, "i love you kat. forever," until i fell asleep.

despite the weather growing colder i thought of ways to roll my sleeves up so lissie could get a look at my arms. sitting there showing her would be too weird, so i sat at my desk, the heater on full. i rolled up my sleeves when it started getting hot. when she came in, i haded her my flash cards and took hers. i tried not to be too obvious about it. i held up the cards, my sleeves werent all the way up, but the scars were clearly visible. i could see the moment where she noticed them. she whispered a very soft "oh!" and then continued, looking at me slightly different. not judging, not at all, but more saddened, and possibly more at ease.

"kat?"
it was just before dinner, and we were putting on our slippers so we could go downstairs.
"yeah?"
"you dont do it anymore do you?"
i knew what she meant right away. "i cant say for sure, but no, i dont. look." i rolled my sleeves as high as they would go. i was used to her seeing them, i could deal with her looking at them. she stopped and came over to look at them up close. she remained very quiet, and very carefully touched her thin fingers to the larger, thicker deeper scars.
"you... you did all of these?"
"over the space of about 2 years."
"wow. did it hurt?"
"not all of them." i pointed to a particularly wide scar. "this wouldnt stop bleeding for days. even when jack stitched it up himself."
she said nothing, but kept looking at the story of my life over a two year period. after a while ahs rolled my sleeves down and straightened up. "lets go get some dinner, im hungry. i hope its not stew again."
she didnt sound saddened by my arms, or angry, or afraid or any of the thousand other things i had expected. she simply moved it aside and focused on what we were doing. i knew she would be thinking about them a lot over the next few days, and i knew there were so many questions that threatened to spill from her mouth every time she opened it, but she kept quiet. i was so happy.

the questions did slowly begin to make their way out, and i answered them all as best i could, because i trusted her so much. she had dealt with everything i told her better than i thought anyone could.
"what mood were you in when you cut?"
"what did you do it with?"
"jack learnt how to do stitches?!"
"how did you hide it all?"
"which was your first one?"
"why didnt you stop then?"
"an addiction? tell me, i dont understand."

we often talked late into the night, on the nights she was here. she spent about half her time with will. i didnt mind at all, it gave me plenty of space to wear jacks hoodies- the weather was getting a lot colder now, i had to resist wearing them all the time- and read the journal. i read an entry one day, and my heart froze as i knew what was coming.

...and i kicked your butt! i dont understand how you can suck at video games so much kat. thats ok, it makes me so happy you still let me make you play with me. same with skateboarding. i can see youre left out, but you still want to come whenever i go. it sucks you cant get the hang of it, but practice makes perfect. not that you need to. i think if you played video games well and could skateboard, you would be me. oh crap. i left my memory stick at your house. until tomorrow....

i didnt want to turn the page. i knew the next entry wouldnt be until a few days later, when he finally returned home from the hosptial with me. i looked at my desk. i had a pair of kids scissors- i had bought them especially for moments like this. they were only sharp plactic, and wouldnt make so much as a red line on the surface of my skin. but them my eyes fell on lissies desk. she had a two holed pencil sharpener. i ran to it- hardly a run, it wasnt that far from my bed- and used my nail to unscrew the second blade, usually used for jumbo pencils. hands shaking, i seized the tiny metal blade and held it between my thumb and middle finger, my index resting between them comfortably. my heart was racing. i sat on my bed, holding the blade to my forearm, threatening to open up the first cut i had made the the day i tried to take my life for the first time.
"KAT! NO!"
lissie had seen me, and ran over to me now. i dropped the blade, not even bothering to fight her for it. she picked it up. "what is it from kat?" without waiting for an answer she looked to her deak. "a pencil sharpener? kat, what are you doing?"
i didnt speak, i simply nodded to the open journal next to me.
"you want me to read it kat? this entry?"
i nodded.
she read quickly, and put it down when she was done. "whats wrong kat? do you miss him?"
i felt a surge of guilt. because it wasnt missing jack that had prompted this, it was my addiction that had flared up again when i remembered that day.
"thats the last entry he wrote before he found me the first time i had tried to, you know."
"oh kat honey, i know you miss him."
"its not even that. i was missing the cutting, not jack so much." the fat, hot tears seared my cheeks and landed on my lap, staining the denim.
lissie was quiet for a moment. i knew she had nothing to say to that.
"do you want me to read the next bit to you kat? it might help to hear his take on it?"
"seriously? you would do that?"
"kat, i just walked in on you about to cut, right now i would do pretty much anything if it made you feel better."
"i dont deserve you," i snuffled.
"everyone needs a someone kat. you had jack, and im not trying to replace him, but you relied on jack. i want you to rely on me a bit too, if you can. ok?"
"ok."
lissie picked up jacks journal and began to read out loud.



WILL

being in love with someone is so much harder when they wont even be around you.
the time i was at amelias house and kat had walked in, i had fallen for her. not because of the fact she was beautiful. the pictures amelia had shown me of her and jack growing up showed me who she was. she was shy, cynical and emotional, and i wanted to know her my way, instead of through amelia and jack. so, thanks to amelias offer, i turned up as often as i could. she loved having me around, i knew, but catching a glimpse of kat was so hard. it wasnt long before she became uncomfortable around me, and i tried to backpedal as soon as i realised what i had been doing. apparently staring at someone and following them around the house just to be near them is creepy. truth be told i hadnt even realised i was doing it. she smelt amazing, and i always smelt a faint air of her on me whenever i returned home. it was a lovely reminder.

i knew she was off limits.
her heart belonged with someone who couldnt love her back anymore and it broke my heart that i couldnt change that. but that didnt stop me from wanting to try. all summer long i found excuses to go to amelias, and the day kat was walking and i found her was going to be my last chance. i walked from my house, as i always did, and saw a familiar head of deep brown hair bobbing away in front of me. her ponytail was swinging and her head was nodding to the sound of her ipod. i walked quicker, passing amelias house now to follow kat. her step faltered, but she kept walking, then snuck a glance my way. i wasnt too far from her now.
"will! what are you doing? you scared me half to death!"
"why are you walking out this late?" god i sounded like her father.
"because no one else is. or at least i thought so. its cooler at night. why are you following me?"
"i was on the way over actually." i had walked right up to her and was now standing closer than she had ever let me be before. i could feel her body heat through our clothes.
"why do you stare at me?" her voice came out weak, and i knew it was intended to be much stronger.
"sorry," i said, looking away, which was hard because my face was so close to hers.
"dont just apologise, tell me why!" the fury was back in her voice again and her eyes burned into me as though they might be able to hurt me.
"you dont get it?"
"get what?"
i stepped forward, our bodies were almost touching. i wanted to close the gap but resisted. my hand flew up to rest on her jawline tenderly. knowing this was my only chance, i looked her in the eyes and had barely started moving my face towards her when-
"no! what are you doing?!"
i stood still. what was i going to do, tell her i wanted to kiss her? "why do you think i come over? to see amelia? yes. but i want to see you more. i kept wanting to say something, but then you would call me jack, or mention him, or get this heartbreaking look on your face and i knew i shouldnt. i dont know why i did it now. i guess since we are both going away to college i thought..." i didnt actually know what i thought.
"youre crazy. ive never called you jack. just stay away from me." and she turned on her heel and left. humiliated, i went home. i didnt go around to amelias for the rest of the summer. innecessary pain wasnt my idea of fun, and i think if kat saw me again she would probably hit me.

so i busied myself with getting ready for college. i packed all my clothes, my pictures of me and my friends, my guitar and my bedding. it wasnt a lot, so it didnt take as long as i would have liked. i drove myself to college, preferring to say goodbyes at home rather than my new start afresh place. it was so exhilarating. i would forget kat, my friends, my family and all the drama i left behind. i had no reason to not focus on my studies. i locked my car and headed into the main dormitory building to get my key for my room so i could start unpacking. it was bright and i had forgotten my sunglasses. i slammed into someone, someone small and familiar. i was immediately blown away. firstly because i had knocked into her pretty hard, and secondly because i was sure that was the most amount of body contact i had had with her.
"im so sorry! let me help you up there- kat? what are you doing here?"
i held my hand ou to offer her help but she ignored it.
"will. what are you doing here?"
"college. i didnt know you were attending too. im sorry for bowling you over there." and she stormed off with amelia, who gave me an apologetic wave.
great, so much for fresh starts. the dull throb that had been eating away at me returned. i shuddered and went back to my room to try and forget about her altogether.

two weeks into the semester, i was having a great time. my classes were good, i had made a few friends, we went to parties together and we had fun together. i hadnt seen kat since the first day and it was becoming easier to shrug her from ym mind whenever i caught myself thinking about her. my friends were playing at a party tonight, so we were all going to go. it was still the middle of the afternoon so i went for a walk. i figured it was a saturday afternoon and it was still warm and sunny, so the homework study thing could wait until later. i pulled on some gym clothes and warmed up to go for a run. there werent a lot of hills around here, so i wasnt able to get the usual ache in my calves, but i still enjoyed running as a release.
after forty minutes of running, i slowed to a walk. my head was clear and my breathing was heavy as i caught ym breath. i thought of the shade of the oak trees behind the buidlings and headed that way, hoping to do a bit more running once i had cooled off. i grabbed a drink on my way through ans jogged around the fence line, trying to stay out of the scorching sun. i had reached the trees, and i stayed along this side of the boundaries where the stream lay. it was pleasant here, the cool breeze offering a comfortable setting for a picnic. it was nearing sunset and i headed up to the dorm to shower and change. i grabbed an apple and a knife, and, copying kats technique, sliced of pieces and fed them straight into my mouth. i walked as i ate, and it was now dark outside. i headed back to the stream, and the lights from the buildings flooded the lawn with light, casting an odd glow upon the grass that had been so bright green several hours earlier. i ambled to the stream and when i moved i saw a small figure on the ground across it. worried, i hurried towards it. when i got close enough to realise who it was i ran to her, desperately hoping she wasnt dead. i touched her hair softly, my hands trembling.
"kat, kat, wake up, you fell asleep. its dark now."
"i dont want to move jack. wake me later." i scowled. i hated her calling my jack.
"its not jack."
"wheres the letter?"
"this?" i reached and picked the book up to hand to her. she snatched it off me and cradled it.
"you didnt-"
"of course not." did she think i was some kind of pervert?
"good." she stood up and walked off towards the dorms, checking her watch.
"oh god im late!" and she broke into a run. she ran so funny, like she hadnt done it before.
"wait kat. its dark, let me walk you." i caught up to her easily.
"go away, i dont need help walking."
nevertheless i walked quietly beside her all the way up the grassy slope and up to her room too. she was frantic as she walked in, clearly worried about being so late.
"... i just drifted off, i had no idea it was so late! im so sorry!"
"thats ok kat. we arent ready yet anyway. calm down," said her roommate. she was slim and blonde, her hair down to her waist. she looked like the kind of person kat would never ever hang out with in a million years.
"can you give me ten minutes to get ready?" she asked, her breathing still heavy.
"of course!" and she sped down the hallway towards the showers. in a few steps i was level with her and spun her around to talk to me.
"why cant you stay away from me?" she hissed.
"a simple thank you would have sufficed."
"i didnt ask for your help."
"well i wasnt going to just leave you sleeping there all night. what if someone else had found you? huh?" i shuddered inwardly at the first sight i had seen before i was close enought to tell.
"i said, i dont need your help. now stay away from me." and she stalked off to have a shower. i left, once again deadened by the weight that my love for kat placed upon my shoulders. i headed back to my dorm and showered again, as though i could wash kat from me. her hair beneath my fingers, her thin arm in my hand as i stopped her to talk to me. her bright blue eyes drilling holes into my skull. i got out and changed in my room. it was nearly nine, and the party was probably in the swing of it by now. i pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt, and headed to the building where it was being held. i never bothered with my hair anymore, there was no point. it did what it liked, and the only person i wanted to look good for didnt even see me. i got inside and found my friends. they took a break with me and we had a drink. it wasnt until one of them pointed her out that i realised kat was here too.
"hey check her out!"
as a reflex i turned around and followed his gaze. it was kat. oh god. she looked so perfect too. the boys went up on stage again to keep playing and tried to figure out whether i should turn and leave or hope she didnt see me. i rushed to the side, deciding on the latter, and kept my gaze on her all night. she was drinking punch and dancing with everyone else in the room and she just looked so free. she threw her arms in the air and grinned, not noticing she had spilt her drink all over the people next to her. while she was on the dance floor i took a chance and went to get myself some punch. it was strongly spiked with vodka, but i finished it anyway. i filled up again and was about to walk away when her room mate saw me. kat turned around and saw me too and i filled with dread. i was here first.
"youre not a cute boy."
well that was a little blunt, even for kat.
"thanks. look, im sorry, ill go. i didnt know you were coming. would have stayed away if i had known."
"no, stay! lissie thinks youre cute, you should ask her out!" she grabbed me and dragged me to her friend.
"to lissie and will- willissie!- may you have a wonderful life together. happy anniversary!!!" she flung her cup around again, drinking and refilling. she made her way to the dance floor and i grabbed her. up close it more noticable- she was incredibly drunk.
"jack! no i wanna dance jack, let me inside!"
"im. not. jack. for the last time kat, im not your jack. you hate me remember." my voice came out harsh and bitter- exactly the way i felt.
"you sound tense. you should have a drink! wheres your girlfriend? shes so pretty, is lissie. you should kiss her you should."
i was sick of this.
"sure kat. whatever." i sat her down on a bench so she could sober up a bit in the cool night air before i dragged her back to her room. if i could remember where it was.
"why do you follow me everywhere will?"
"you dont want to know. i dont follow you either kat, we just turn up at the same places. similar interests, it would seem." unfortunately her main interest was in a dead guy that i apparently was no match for.
"whyyousosad?" her speech was slurred but i cold tell what she was saying still. when i replied i didnt care what i said. she wouldnt even remember in the morning.
"because i can never have the one thing i want. anyway, lets get you home to bed. its nearly one."i tossed her arm over my shoulder and carried her back to her room.
"amelya! i want amelya. phone her formejackplease?"
jack again. whatever. "sure kat."i dropped her on her bed, thinking moodily if i wasnt a good guy this would be the perfect opportunity. i slid her phone out of her pocket and dialled amelias number, regreting it instantly as the time glowed on her alarm clock. nearly one."amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you." as i handed her the phone she dropped it, and i held it to her ear until she was co-ordinated enough to hold it on her own.
"amelyaimishyouuu!"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
her face fell and she handed me the phone, dropping it again.
"she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up."
"thats ok. look, keep an eye on her? she, um, tends to drink for all the wrong reasons. i wont go into detail right now, but keep her away from alcohol if you can, and dont leave her side. put her to bed, and stay with her ok? ill call tomorrow."
"ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia." and i hung up bleakly. kat was lying back in an awkward position, looking at the lights. i stood up and straightened her out, covered her with blankets, turned the lamp on and, by the time i turned out the ceiling light, kat was asleep, snoring silently. i leaned up against the side of her bed and thought over and over about a way out of my situation. at this point i realised i wasnt going to get away from her here. it was too much effort to hide in bushes when i really wanted to see her. even when she was screaming at me or calling me jack, i was still counting my blessings she was near me or talking to me. so i would corner her some time and make her understand that we could maybe try and be friends. it would be heard, but at least then i would be close to her and talk to her more often.

it was going well until she set me up with lissie, her room mate. when kat asked me what i thought of her, i was honest. she was beautiful and definitely out of my league, but next to kat she looked like just another girl. and when she came into the library in place of kat, my heart sunk. when she asked me out, i agreed, because she had plucked up enough courage to ask me out, she was sweet, and if it made kat jealous enough to want me then i would try it. don get me wrong, i wasnt trying to use lissie, but i was still in love with kat. she just wasnt easy to forget.
i walked lissie home after we finished in the library, and i hugged her. she really was stunning, so i thought i might take my chances, i bowed my head to give her a quick kiss on the lips, and when i pulled my head away, her face had gone pink, and she pulled me closer to her. we staggered into her room and i dropped my books on the floor and we broke apart for a second to pull my bag off. her arms were around my neck and mine wereon her face and waist. we sat on the bed next to eachother, twisting our bodies so our lips could remain together. when we paused to catch a breath, i apologised.
"i didnt mean for this to happen you know."
"nor did i," and she kissed me again, her lips tasting like strawberry chapstick and smooth against mine. she pulled me down on top of her and her hands moved to my back, pulling my entire body to hers. i didnt even hear the door open, just kat announcing herself.
"lissie, i got popcorn, its movie night!"
lissie and i pulled apart, just in time to see kat rushing out again. lissies phone went off a minute later, but we ignored it as she flipped me over and perched herself on me, kissing me slower now. she was incredible, and kats entrance had long since left my mind. her hands traced over my face gently as she kissed me, her tongue tracing the inside of my lips, biting my lower lip gently. she was amazing at this, and i didnt want to stop. it was her who pulled away first.
"im sorry, i feel bad leaving kat outside. shall we meet up again tomorrow?"
"definitely," i said, sounding rather breathless. i straighted my shirt out and grabbed my things, planting a kiss on lissies foreheard before i left. my heart was soaring. sure, she wasnt kat, but there was no chance for me there. it was best for me to try and move on.
when i got back to my dorm i told my room mate i had got a girlfriend.
"thats great! im out at my girls most of the time, so have her over here if you want. she doesnt live on campus so we get a room to ourselves." he winked at me, grabbed his bag and left.
i took advantage of his offer, and i texted lissie and told her. we didnt stop texting until 3am. which was fine by me. we spent our dates out talking and getting to know eachother, and when we got back to my dorm, our mouths were far too busy to bother talking. i took to keeping a bottle of water by my bed, and, though it seemed presumptuous, i bought a box of condoms to keep in my bedside drawer, just in case. i didnt show lissie, but i figured if we decided to go for it, i wouldnt be keen to go out and get some more then and there.
i saw kat less and less, which was fine by me. i really liked lissie, and the more i got to know her, the less i thought about kat. we spent hours lying on my bed, kissing, and then teasing one another in turn. she would remove my shirt and kiss all over my chest, down to my stomach and then... stop. it drove me insane with want, and i would then gather her up and hold her down while she giggled beneath me, and i would tease her right back, kissing her neck and ears as she shuddered with delight, then down her body, down the seam of her bra, and down to the button of her jeans. she would try and hold my head down there, but i pushed upwards and we set off again, kissing passionately, our warm bodies moving smoothly together. like became lust very quickly, and i had to fight not to tell her i loved her. i was scared it would scare her away, and i also knew we were crazy about eachother. i just wasnt sure it was love quite yet.

Reckless (Part Eighteen)

i awoke to cool hands on my face. it was dark, and i felt like i had a boulder sitting on my head. i opened my eyes slightly, and through the fuzziness, i made out brown messy hair and brown eyes. my brain didnt register the lack of his scent, or that his hands were cold instead of the constant toasty warm. all i registered was that jack was here, helping me back from nearly dead. or at least, thats what it felt like.
i sighed, letting the rise and fall of my chest remind me that i was here.
i smiled, showing jack i was grateful as ever.
i slept, dreaming of memories.

when i woke in the morning, the boulder was still crushing my head.
thin splints of sunlight spilt into the room, lighting it slowly.
and there were people all over the floor.
i sat up- very very slowly- and tried to work out who they were. i could identify a couple of lissies friends passed out in not-so-attractive sprawls, huddling under spare blankets and using stuffed animals as pillows. and next to my bed was will. he had no blankets or pillows. in fact, he had fallen asleep sitting with his back against my bed. his eyelids were a deep purple, and his hair was sticking up at odd angles. his mouth was open slightly in a very vulnerable way. i smiled to myself, before remembering he had dragged me up here and- i ripped the bed covers back- apparently he had seen it more gentlemanly to leave my in my clothes. but still. god only knows what he had done to me while i had been sleeping. my sleeves of my cardi were uneven, but i couldnt tell if it was from sleeping or he had slipped them up and inspected them or not.
i didnt want to risk waking anyone up, so i grabbed a towel and a random assortment of clothes and slunk off to the bathrooms to shower away the shame and guilt of last night.
the hot water poured down over my body and i closed my eyes, imagining if jack hadnt died. we probably would have done this, later on. we never even got to have sex, and now i never wanted to. if it couldnt be with jack, i didnt want it with anyone. not that we hadnt come close- frighteningly close- but now it was never going to happen. i was only ever going to take solo showers, cuddle my pillow in bed, and miss jack absolutely every day. it was so hard maintaining this person i had become. i wanted to do it, but it was hard not to resort back to my old ways. i often went on long walks just to think about jack and be able to let my guard down. but i was doing well. my classes were challenging, some of them downright difficult, but the subjects were so interesting that i actually wanted to study. from learning basics we were now being taught how the world worked, how the mind worked. it was fascinating.
after my shower, feeling slightly better but for a grumble in my stomach, i made my way quietly down the hall again. it was a sunday morning, so everyone was making the most of sleeping in, some until the afternoon. it was still faily early, so i stashed my clothes from last night in my dorm and headed downstairs for some breakfast. i grabbed my cellphone and jacks journal to take with me. i didnt trust so many people in my room without me there. especially will.
i didnt undertstand why he always got so mad if i accidentally called him jack. if anything it was a compliment. it wasnt my fault he looked so much like him, or he caught me when i was daydreaming of my dead best friend and boyfriend. i settled myself down at a table, with coffee and a big pile of hot toast, and opened the diary at the start. there were no photos for quite a few of the earlier entries- there was no way i was letting him take pictures of me then. but i marveled at how much i had changed. i had always noticed how jack had changed, the subtle filling out process, the deepening of his voice, growing into his height. i always imagined i had stayed the same. but looking back at four years of pictures, i saw the difference so clearly. i had started out a tiny bony thing, with spindly legs and arms that looked as though they would snap with the lightest of pressure. and jack wanted to teach me to skate? my hair seemed too wild for my tiny body, dwarfing my face and sallowing out my skin. the clothes i wore didnt help. i found one picture of my covering my eyes- my arms were completely scar free. it was weird looking at them like that. they didnt seem like my arms. mine were made of memories. all bad, but all shared with jack. as i grew older, i had filled out a bit. not fatter, but more in control of my extremeties. the contrast from aged 14 to age 18 was spectacular.
i chewed my toast and stared into space, creating a slideshow of those long four years that had eneded so quickly. there were too many memories, too many little things to remember to cram them all into a daydream.
i heard footsteps, so i hurriedly close the journal, making sure no photos would fall out if i were to pick it up. i busied myself with my coffee, and out of the corner of my eye i saw will approaching me. i kept my eyes down, averted from his.
he sat down opposite me, and i studied a piece of toast.
"morning, kat." his voice was low and strained, but i resisted the urge to look up and said nothing.
"ok, so why did you do it? why did you get so drunk you couldnt even stand up? is it really that bad? is it too hard? college is hard, but you can get tutors you know kat. dont drink to make it easier."
ok, no i had to look up. his eyes were filled with resentment, and burned into mine.
"you think i think its because of college? thats why i drank so much? oh no. my best friend died. my boyfriend died. he left me here to do all this on my own, and all i have is this stupid journal of him telling me how much he loved me. he still hasnt told me how he died! i could flick through and find it, but then what would i do? then i would have no more jack. this is all i have, and i dont have it for much longer. so excuse me if i want to drink avery now and then to remind myself of some good times i had with him in ways other than this damn letter!" i threw down my toast and gathered up the book and ran. i headed for the door to outside and ran from him. i hid myself over the bridges and decided to climb a tree. a lot harder to find me up there. i squashed the book into the pocket of my jacket and began to climb clumsily. i had never done this before, but soon enough i was high enough up the tree to not be seen from below.
it wasnt quite as ideal as lying on the grass, but at least i wouldnt be found up here. i could see will through the leaves looking for me, but i made no attempt to move or get down.
"kat! come on kat, lets just talk, please? i didnt mean to offend you or insult his memory. please come out?"
he left after a little while, and i turned to watch him disappear back up the the dormitories before i began climbing down. i muttered to myself about boys being insensitive and immature all the way down. on my descent i didnt notice much except for the co-ordination of my arms and legs. so when i heard a voice, i lost my footing and fell.
"just drop down, ill catch you."
and i did, but not intentionally. i fell into his outstretched arms and then he fell over, not as prepared as he thought to catch my weight. i scrambled to my feet and stalked off.
"what, no thankyou?" he called to my back.
"thanks, next time i need a bruise or two, ill call you."
"what is your problem!? everytime i try and do something nice, you throw it in my face. get a grip kat."
"my problem, will, is that everytime i see you, im reminded of jack, and the fact that the one time i let anyone so close, he dies. so unless you feel like dying, stay away from me."
"i cant."
"im not magnetised. im sure you will manage."
"but you are. i find it impossible to be away from you kat. i know you dont want a boyfriend, and you dont even want a friend, but could you at least treat me as an accquaintance or something? instead of the reincarnation of your dead boyfriend?"
i turned around to look at him. he was standing upright, stock still, but when i saw his eyes, he was on his knees, desperate and tortured.
"i dont know how." my voice came out quiet.
he rushed forwards, seizing his chance. "you dont have to do anything. just dont be so mean. i can help you study if you want? we can go to the library now. we would barely have to speak."
"as long as you dont try and help my with my math homework."
"deal. i suck at math."
"let me go get some books and i will meet you in the library soon." i walked away so his grin wouldnt make me want to punch him in the face.
back in my room, lissie had left me a note.
hey kat, we've gone out, hope youre ok, will stayed to look after you last night. see you later tonight
i grabbed my half written english paper and a pile of books to take to the library, and changed into something that hadnt fallen from a tree with me.
i walked down to the library, stopping by the cafeteria on the way to grab an apple. i walked slowly, not really caring at all if he was waiting for me. he could wait. i ate my fruit and when i stopped outside the large white building, he was sitting outside patiently. when he saw me he jumped to his feet and hurried towards me.
"kat! im glad you could make it."
"i saw you ten minutes ago agreeing to it, why wouldnt i be here?"
he looked at me disapprovingly, and i sighed. "lets just go inside please?"
i chose a table at the back, hidden behind lots of book shelves. i knew he thought it was so we could have some privacy, but i just didnt want anyone to assume we were together. i set up my books and essay, and trying ym hardest to be nice, i asked him what he had brough to do.
"english essay. 2000 words on how shakespeare has sculpted the education system of the persent day. snore. what about you?"
"poetry. citing at least six poems, with correct referencing, find a recurring theme over the last four decades and how you think the future of poetry is headed. 2500 words. lets get to work then." it wasnt that hard being nice. it was easier when we had something strong to talk about, instead of squabbling.
i set to work, picking up where i left off. we worked quietly for about an hour, occasionally asking for a word we couldnt think of, or examples, but not really talking. he was a good study partner, and when we left after two hours i was nearly done.
"thanks for giving this a go kat. really, it means a lot to me."
"sure thing. youre a good study partner."
"really?"
"ok i dont want this to sound bitchy, so dont take it the wrong way, but stop hanging from my every word. its not going to happen between us ok?"
"not even in time?"
"no. just act normal, please. it makes it so uncomfortable to be around you when youre looking at me like the sun shines out my ass."
"haha. ok i can do that. anyway ill see you round kat."
"bye will."
i got back up to my room and finished my essay quickly, then tidied the room. there were blankets strewn across the floor, and some plastic cups. i folded the bedding and put it back in the closet, and swept the floor under the rugs. i opened the window and sprayed a little bit of air freshener. i tidied my desk as well, sorting books from notes and papers that were due. i wrote up new assignments and study sessions on my wall planner, and quickly straightened the covers on lissies bed, just to even out the room a little. she walked in as i was sitting on my bed doodling.
"hey kat, wow, thanks for tidying up in here, i was going to do it when i came in, but thanks! how are you feeling?" she was smiling at me, so i loosened up a bit. i was scared she wouldnt want me touching her things, and was relieved when she didnt say anything.
"im fine, i got up early, had breakfast, went for a walk, finished my essay and cleaned. what did you get up to?"
"oh god youre good! i slept in, took care of ellie who was throwing up by the time we got downstairs, hung out at her common room for a while and went to the gym for a bit too. just walking, i couldnt handle a run right now."
we sat talking for a little while, gossiping about the party of the night previous, and after spouting all the random hook-up her friends had had, she finally got to the point. "so will huh? are you guys dating? or just friends? because i think he loves you!"
"we arent dating. i dont really even like him very much if im honest. but i was grateful he took care of me last night. and he makes a good study partner."
"hes really cute. you wouldnt mind if i asked him out would you?"
"no of course not, i think you guys could be good together! do you want me to ask him?"
"oh no, no no no, but maybe just ask him if he thinks im pretty or anything? just to let me know hat angle to take, you know."
"of course. we are meeting in the library tomorrow, ill talk to him then, and text you you to come down if i get a positive response ok? ill tactfully leave you alone, and you can do it."
"oh thanks kat! youre a good friend." and she came and sat next to me, hugging me. it was an odd sensation, but not a bad one.
"lets go down for dinner lissie. im starving."

none of lissies friends joined us for dinner, so i had a chance to get to know her better.
"ive been a good student my whole life. my group of friends were the nice smart ones. our parents were all friends, we didnt have a lot of drama, few of us had boyfriends, if we drank we usually did it so our parents knew, so it wasnt ever much. they wanted me to go to a college a lot closer, but i figured at age 18 i needed some real life experience. so i got away, and decided to try everything i could. really get a taste for life outside my parents and their control. thats why im patrying so much. ive never really done it before, let alone with strangers. its all so new, and i want to make the most of it. what about you? do you mind talking about your life before college?"
"youre pretty intuitive you know that? do never ask me how i am, you ask me what ive been up to that day or something more indirect. let me ask you a question- have you ever met someone with depression?"
"well, no. but i can usually tell when people are upset, and i figured the best way is to ask them about other things, get their minds off it, and if they want to talk to me, im here."
"ive had depression for about six years now."
"really?"
"you couldnt tell?"
"no, i mean i knew you kept to yourself a lot, and something traumatic happened to you recently, but i figured you were just shy." she blushed a little.
"well, if we are going to be sharing a room, if we are going to be friends, you should know some things. i wont tell you the lot, but a brief overview, ok? tell me if you have questions, if i can answer them i will. ive never done this before. the whole telling people stuff. they tend to just figure it out over time."
"you dont have to tell me kat, i respect you for trying, but if its too hard, i can work with that-"
"i want to. i trust you. ok, four years ago, i met this guy jack. he made it his mission to be the only person to be there for me. he was my best friend. i was really depressed, but after a while, because jack was there, i started getting a bit better. when i did, i realised i had feelings for him. and then i told him, and he felt the same. we were together for maybe six months before he died, and i still dont know why. he died at the start of the summer, and left me that journal you always see me with. i read it a little bit at a time, and i know somewhere in it he will tell me why he had to leave me."
"wow kat. i dont know what to say."
"you dont have so be sorry, or upset, or try and help. i just thought it might make it a bit easier if you knew a little bit about me. and trust me, thats not even the half of it."
"well kat im glad you told me, and im sorta proud you chose to tell me. thankyou." and she leaned over and hugged me again.
i had been nervous about telling lissie, but it felt ok. there was a little glow inside me.

the next day after my morning lecture, i walked to the library and met will. he looked so happy.
"hey will. why so happy?"
"nothing. just happy. how are you?"
"im ok. oh hey, before we go in, i have a little question. you know my roomate lissie?"
"the blonde one from saturday night?"
"yeah. what do you think?"
"what do you mean?"
"like, you think shes pretty? funny, nice, smart...?"
"i think shes gorgeous. way out of my league, but i dont know her all that well. she seemed nice. why, do you not like her?"
"oh no, i was just wondering is all. lets go now, i got a new assignment today and its doing my head in."
we had been in the library about 45 minutes; i was studying history dates with flash cards and will was making some for his geography class. i had texted lissie a couple of minutes ago, asking her to come and ask him out.
"look at the mess we made!" i pointed at all the scraps of paper lying on the table and started cleaning them away. "just making some more space is all, ill be back in a seocnd."
and i darted away to the rubbish bin.
when i came back, will was silently testing himself with a thick handful of flashcards. i told him to make them all in different formats- some with the answer, some with a question and the right question or answer on the back.
"god hes so cute."
i jumped. lissie had whispered in my ear and i went and sat down. lissie waited a minute, then came and said hello.
"oh lissie! hey, you remember will from saturday? come, sit! i have to go anyway, keep will company for me? i might be back later. thanks will, ill see you both later!" and i swept out of the library, leaving lissie to ask will out. while i wanted them together, i hoped he wouldnt say no because of his obsession for me. more so, i hoped lissie wouldnt get angry at me for it if that were the case.
but i got a text message half an hour later from lissie- a simple 'YESSSSSS!!!!!!' i smiled to myself and continued flipping flash cards with dates and names and places on them. i loved flashcards. they were brightly coloured card, all with different colour pens. i had huge stashes of them piled into subject catergories, but i was getting a little low on card. i grabbed my bag and headed out to the stationer to buy some more.

i love stationery. new pens and books and paper and floders excites me. i always colour theme each subject. it makes it more organised. i bought three packs of card and some new felt tip pens and went back home again, picking up some popcorn from the store on the way.
i burst into the room, brandishing the popcorn and declaring it movie night. what i failed to notice before i made myself known was will and lissie on her bed, making out.
i backed out and headed outside. i sent lissie a text- sorry! text me when its safe- kat x

my purchases were stashed in my bag. i had no idea what to do. it was nearing sundown, and i didnt want to walk too far from the building. i stopped by the cafeteria to see what was for dinner, took a couple of pictures of the slowly setting sun, and then gave up, sitting on a bench inside the buiding by the lifts. bored, i plugged my ipod in and flicked through a few songs. i checked my phone and saw lissie had replied- sorry kat, its all clear now x
i smiled, and headed upstairs.
"im so sorry! he insisted on walking me home and then yeah. im sorry kat, it wont happen again!"
i grinned at her. "i wouldnt promise that love. so i take it it went well?"
"oh my god. so hen you left it was a bit awkward, but then we got talking about the party, and how i had pointed out hin behind you, and he was all like 'so you think im cute?' and it was embarrassing but i just asked him straight out and he looked so confused. he was like 'did kat put you up to this?' and of course i said no. then he agreed, and we are going to go out for pizza tomorrow night. thankyou so much! i wouldnt have had the guts to ask him if you hadnt asked first!"
"its no problem, im happy i could be of service. i do just want to clear one little thing-"
"ooh what should i wear? will you help me choose kat? im so nervous!"
"sure, can i juat tell you somehting first?"
"sure, whats up?"
"ok, i dont want to burst your bubble, but i think you should know anyway. a while ago he had a little thing for me. hes obviously over it now, but i thought you should know ok? i dont like him, god no, jacks the one for me. i just wanted you to know as much as possible."
she paused for a second, a pile of clothes already discarded at her feet. "thanks for telling me. now come and help me!" i laughed and went to help her sort her outfit out.

Reckless (Part Seventeen)

AMELIA


kat had gone to college, and while i was sad, i was also happy. i had freedom. to cook what i wanted, to be as noisy as i wanted, to watch what i wanted. kat had never been an inconvienience, but i felt more free now. if i wanted to act immature i could. i wasnt responsible for anyone but myself.
i just kept thinking of the look kat had given me as we said goodbye. i knew she thought that i knew will was going to the same college as her, and it broke my heart because i didnt know, but i never got to tell her. i had texted her, but no reply so far. it was now dinner time, and i busied myself with some of the stir fry i had frozen, and indulged myself in a glass of wine.

over the next few weeks i focused on not thinking about kat. it was hard, but i went out. i spent time with friends from work, went to bars i had never been to and had dinner in nice restaurants. it was a lot of fun. but kat still hadnt texted me, or called me, and whenever i tried calling her she never answered. i tried not to worry, because i knew that when she wanted to talk to me, she would.

"hello?" i answered my phone groggily. it was 1am on a friday night, and i had woken up to my phone ringing loudly. i should have turned it off.
"amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you."
there was a muffled sound that sounded like a phone being dropped, and i recognized the voice as will. what was will doing with kat at this time?
"amelyaimishyouuu!" slurred kat.
"kat honey, why are you drinking?"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
"yes kat. you should get some sleep. put will on for me lovey. good girl."
the muffled noise came again, then will, slightly breathless. "she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up."
"thats ok. look, keep an eye on her? she, um, tends to drink for all the wrong reasons. i wont go into detail right now, but keep her away from alcohol if you can, and dont leave her side. put her to bed, and stay with her ok? ill call tomorrow."
"ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia."
i fell back asleep almost instantly after that.


KAT

drinking away my problems had always been my weakness.
classes had started, parties were announced more often that phones went off in lectures, and hangovers were common like they were contagious. i stayed away as long as i could, but Lissie, my room mate loved them. she was nothing like me, but we got along ok. she was tidy and happy, and loved pop music. she went clubbing as often as she could, and was really good at explaining notes i had taken that i didnt understand. she kept to herself and didnt bring lots of strange people back to the room. any friends that did stop by were friendly, and usually waited for lissie to grab something then they would all head off. it was pleasant, having no rules, having different people to live with- i didnt hate them and i didnt love them. since the minute we met, lissie had been trying to convince me to go to parties and clubs with her. i declined politely, citing study and notes and not feeling well and not having anything to wear. she gave up a little bit after a while, asking mainly on weekends, probably just to be polite. she constantly apologised for making so much noise when she came in in the wee small hours of the morning, but i never heard her.
about two weeks had gone since college had started, and i hadnt seen will since the first day. which made me very happy indeed.
lissie bounced into the room with her usual grin and gagle of girls behind her.
"kat! sorry to interrupt, but we found this poster, and from what ive noticed, it seems like the sort of party you might like. live band, theyre pretty good, we heard them last week. please say youll come? you havent been out once, you must be curious?"
i took the pice of paper. i had heard of the band, and figured if i didnt like it i could just walk back to my dorm. it would make her happy, and it couldnt really be that bad.
"sure thing, ill come. i dont have anything to wear though..."
"its only casual, what youre wearing now is perfect. we will be back at about eight, then we can get ready and leave, ok?"
"sure, have a good afternoon, see you all later."
and they left in a cloud of muted gossip and happiness. they were like everyone from my old high school, but nice. not having my reputation preceed me was such a pleasant change.

for the rest of the day i wandered around the campus with jacks diary. i had stapled pictures of us to entries where the picture and the words matched up. like the first day i was on a skateboard, i pinned a picture of me sitting on the ground, the board thrown a good ten feet away, scowling up at jack behind the camera to the entry he wrote about this day. i liked to flick back through what i had already read when i was bored. i only read a new entry every few days. every single page held secrets of how he felt about me, and i held them tightly to my chest now as i wandered down to the creek that ran across the grounds behind the main buildings. there were a few bridges cutting across the stream, and i stood on one of them now. the water was clear beneath me, and i could see the rocks and silt at the bottom, sitting calmly, waiting for a storm to stir them up and bring them to the surface. the grass i had just walked across glittered in the sunlight, the individual blades shimmering in the late afternoon sun. the trees that lined the stream and school grounds rustled with the breeze quietly. i finished crossing the bridge and lay down on the bank. i opened the journal at a new page, one i hadnt read before.

what scares me the most is that ill scare you away. i know that every word i say and and every look i give you is analyzed. you wonder, subconsciously, is he going to hurt me now? what about now? tomorrow? and i know that one thing is enough to scare you away for good. so i have to be so careful. while i want to tell you, every second im with you, i cant because if you cant handle it, ive lost you. i would rather love you in secret and spend every second in anguish, wondering why i cant tell you, than tell you and never see you again. youre good at running and hiding kat, and if the time came for you to run and hide from me, you would never be found again...

i wasnt sure when i drifted off. one minute jack was on the page, the last piece i had of him, the next minute he was lying next to me on the grass, his eyes partly hidden by his hair. he looked at me, his dark brown eyes boring into me. our bodies were tangled together and our faces were nearly touching. he was warm and safe, and i rested my head on his shoulder and sighed quietly. he stroked my hair absentmindedly, muttering into my ear words i couldnt hear clearly enough to understand. i knew what they were though, and the soothing sound of his muffled voice sent me to sleep.
"kat, kat, wake up, you fell asleep. its dark now." his voice was gentle, his hands still patting my hair. rougher now though. weird.
"i dont want to move jack. wake me later."
"its not jack." the voice was hard now.
i snapped open my eyes and sat up straight. will was standing over me, his face cold and unreadable.
"wheres the letter?"
"this?" he held the journal up in his hand, and i leapt to my feet and snatched it off him. "you didnt-"
"of course not."
"good." i started stalking towards the dorms, checking my watch as i went. it was 8:30 already.
"oh god im late!" i started running up to the building.
"wait kat. its dark, let me walk you."
"go away, i dont need help walking."
he took up his place next to me though, easily matching my pace. i ignored him, and i ignored the looks i received from lissies friends when they saw will stading behind me as i began my apologies to lissie.
"... i just drifted off, i had no idea it was so late! im so sorry!"
"thats ok kat. we arent ready yet anyway. calm down."
"can you give me ten minutes to get ready?"
"of course!"
and i ran off to have the shower i desperately needed, ignoring the whispers of lissies friends regarding will.
i was off down the hallway, when he caught up. he grabbed my arm and spun me around. gently, but the act in furiated me.
"why cant you stay away from me?" i hissed.
"a simple thank you would have sufficed."
"i didnt ask for your help."
"well i wasnt going to just leave you sleeping there all night. what if someone else had found you? huh?"
"i said, i dont need your help. now stay away from me."
and i stormed off, leaving him and his bewildered face to look at me as i flew down the hall.
when i returned, four minutes later in a towel, he was long gone.
the girls slipped out the door while i changed, then they blow dried my hair while i put mascara on. i could tell lissies friends wanted to ask about will, but lissie must have told them not to because they didnt say a word.
we arrived by 9pm, and it was great. the music was louad, the punch was spiked with something strong and familiar, and there was a good mosh pit going on in front of where the band was playing. lissie saw me smile as i walked in and she beamed at me proudly. we got drinks straight away and i wandered away from lissie. the band was good, and as the vodka enhanced fruit punch slid down my throat i relaxed. i smiled at people, danced a little and laughed at all the stupid boys doing dares and removing clothes. i had had a couple of drinks when i found lissie again.
"thank you!" i shouted in her ear and hugged her.
"enjoying yourself i see?" she was grinning too, and held up her plastic cup. "to parties, and that cute boy behind you!" she yelled, drunk enough to not care. i touched my cup to hers and drank deeply.
"refill time!" and we stumbled to the table to get more.
i stopped short. will was behind me, looking mortified. i was fairly sure my face matched his.
"youre not a cute boy." huh. i wasnt supposed to say that out loud.
"thanks. look, im sorry, ill go. i didnt know you were coming. would have stayed away if i had known."
"no, stay! lissie thinks youre cute, you should ask her out!" i dragged him over to the punch and introduced them. i filled my cup and drank before toasting them. "to lissie and will- willissie!- may you have a wonderful life together. happy anniversary!!!" and i drank again, filling my cup once more before i stumbled off towards the mosh pit.
familiar hands grabbed my shoulders and steered me outside.
"jack! no i wanna dance jack, let me inside!"
"im. not. jack. for the last time kat, im not your jack. you hate me remember."
"you sound tense. you should have a drink! wheres your girlfriend? shes so pretty, is lissie. you should kiss her you should."
"sure kat. whatever."
he sat me down on a park bench and i slumped forwards on the table. "why do you follow me everywhere will?"
"you dont want to know. i dont follow you either kat, we just turn up at the same places. similar interests, it would seem." he sounded so sad.
"whyyousosad?" ugh. my tongue felt huge in my mouth, it was hard to talk around.
"because i can never have the one thing i want. anyway, lets get you home to bed. its nearly one."
and he put my arm around his shoulder and half carried me to my dorm.
"amelya! i want amelya. phone her formejackplease?"
"sure kat."
when we made it up the stairs to my room, he laid me down on my bed and took off my shoes. then he pulled out my phone from my pocket and called amelia.
"amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you." he handed me the phone and i dropped it clumsily. he picked it up and held it to my ear.
"amelyaimishyouuu!"
"kat honey, why are you drinking?"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
"yes kat. you should get some sleep. put will on for me lovey. good girl." i handed the phone to will but he moved his hand so i dropped it again.
"she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up." "ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia." and he hung up.

Reckless (Part Sixteen)

"i think you should go away."
"what?" i was confused. we were watching tv with cups of tea and chocolate, so i had no idea what she could be referring to. due to our excessive amounts off caffeine during the day, it was nearly midnight, and we were sitting in our pyjamas and slippers, despite it being warm outside still.
"for college. stand on your own two feet. get out of this town, find some new people to be around. go away."
"oh, i thought you meant i smelled bad. i dont know. i dont want to leave you all on your own amelia. youre the closest person i have. youre the only person i have. abandoning you seems so cruel."
"youll be an hour away. worst case scenario, we both drive towards eachother and its only half an hour. thats not that far kat. you need space to spread your own wings. and ive had a kid for eighteen years. and two kids for four of those years. you obviously dont need to know this, but the last time i had sex was before jack was even born. i need to spread my wings too you know?"
we sat in silence, sipping our drinks, pondering our future.
"you know, i always thought about calling you mom. but i think it would have been weird, more when jack and i were together. because really, you were my mother, more than my biological one ever was. i love her and everything, but i dont like her at all. i dont live with her, i hardly talk to her, i dont know. home is where the heart is. and mine is here."
"you can if you want to. call me mom."
more silence, and the conversation flickered through my head. moving away for a few years seemed like a good idea. i caould always transfer if it was terrible, or missed amelia too much. but something told me-the same something that told me to go shopping- that starting fresh was going to be easier than i thought.


I spent the rest of the summer doing several things.
i called my parents and let them know of my decision to attend college, and they even sounded happy when i told them which one it was. then, in order to show me they were proud, they sorted all of the payments.
i enrolled at the school, and sorted out my dorm room.
i sold art with amelia at the sunday fair and market in town. we would wake up at the crack of dawn, set up a stall, and wait for our customers to come and buy it all. to start off with it was slow. we sold small paintings and lots of jewellery, and a few fruitbowls. despite the getting-up-early-on-a-sunday business, i loved sitting in the boot of amelias car talking to her and drinking a wide variety of hot drinks.
and i went shopping some more. when i got back after my road trip, i went shopping with amelia and soon enough, we were sick of the mall, so we wandered the little side streets and alleyways. we stumbled upon a little boutique, selling a wide variety of cardigans and t-shirts, and jeans and skirts for petite girls like me. the prices werent too bad, but after a few visits we were slowly getting a bigger discount. the girl behind the counter reminded me of myself, so i smiled shyly at her every chance i could. one nice customer was sure to make her day a little more pleasant.

all in all, amelia was my best friend now. my best friend, my mother, my dead boyfriends cool mom, and my friend.

much to my disdain, will started turning up more frequently. he claimed to be fighting with his parents, and i knew where he was coming from, but it was so frustrating for him to just turn up. the way he looked at me made my blood boil. quite often i would storm out of the room to keep from hitting him or saying something scathingly bitter. then he would start turning up when he knew amelia would be at work, and ask if i wanted to go for a walk or something. it was harder not to be mean then, when i knew amelia wouldnt tell me off fo rbeing rude.
one particular tuesday i was sitting in jacks room, wearing one of his hoodies and reading his journal. it had just past lunchtime, so i was considering getting some food. my music was blaring, as loud as i could take it.

...and i know youre terrified, but i really want you to skate. imagine how much fun itll be, in the summer, skating together down to the supermarket for icecream? i bet blue will side with me too. she always wanted you to skate as well. i think shes a little bit jealous because youre so little. it would just be a such a big something for you kat, i really think-

my door burst open and i jumped, scared out of my wits.
"what are you doing here?!" i dropped the journal and stood on the bed, absolutely livid.
"ive been knocking, i can understand why you didnt hear me-" and he walked over and turned down my music "- so i thought i would come in anyway. i didnt think you would mind that much."
i glowered at him. "what if i had been getting changed? do have this much respect for everyone else or do you reserve this type of arrogance just for me?"
"arrogance?" he seemed offended and surprised.
"you walk in here like you live here, then assume i want to see you at all, let alone unannounced."
"im sorry kat."
"just go downstairs ill be there in a minute."
he left quietly. my hands were shaking. i wasnt sure why i was so mad. i just wanted him away from me. i took jacks hoodie off and went downstairs to the kitchen. still angry, i grabbed an apple and a knife and began cutting chunks from the apple. i wasnt sure if it was past experience or just fury, but i was seeing red as the blade sunk into the apple again and again. i ate each piece of apple slice off the knife, and glared at will, daring him to speak.
"i really am sorry kat. will you forgive me?"
i rolled my eyes. "only because youll tell amelia and ill get the blame. what did you want anyway?"
he fidgeted. "i was bored, i figured you might be too. middle of summer holidays and such. but you were busy, im sorry."
"some of us have lives."
"sitting in your bedroom reading?"
"yes."
"why were you wearing a hoodie? its roasting outside. were you wearing that cardigan underneath?"
"why does it matter?"
"i just thought you might be hot thats all."
"well i wasnt. its none of your business anyway. dont you have friends?"
"youre my friend." his voice was soft and he was talking to his hands.
"i would hardly say that."
"really?"
"why, you think i enjoy you sneaking up on me, turning up here, staring at me instead of talking to amelia? its uncomfortable actually."
"im sorry, i didnt realise it annoyed you so much. ill stop."
"stop what?" i asked.
"turning up here. all of it."
"then i would definitely get the blame. just stop staring at me. its like youre trying to decipher something written on my skin." i pulled nervously at my sleeves as i said this.
"what would you like? shall i ignore you everytime im here? would you like me to talk only to amelia, to not say hello to you when youre not in the room? turn up when youre not here?"
his voice was not angry, but that quiet, tortured voice that somehow made me even madder.
"just stop staring at me, thats all. and dont come in jacks room again."
"thats your room kat. but i wont."
"you should go now." and i turned and walked upstairs before he could say another infuriating word.

in jacks room i sat in the corner of his bed, with his hoodie on again. i huddled right into the corner of the bed, the corner of the room, and tucked my knees up right under my chin and closed my eyes. i flickered through all the memories we had of eachother, i imiagined i was there, i could smell him on me, hugging me, holding me until i forgot what i was upset about. i fet the feeling of his arms around me, his low voice in my ear muttering everything but nothing at the same time and feeling my body sag against his as i relaxed, calmer than before the hug. slowly, i opened my eyes. the calm remained, but i was still hit my the blow of him not being here. like the gift that keeps on giving, but its a curse. the curse that just keeps cursing. he was gone. my boyfriend, my best friend. he was my whole life and now all i have is memories and his things. his smell was fading slowly. i only wore his clothes while i was reading, and hen i would take them off and put them carefully away so i wouldnt taint the smell of him.
i had no idea what to do when i was at college, or when i couldnt remember all the tiny details of his face and the memories we created.
i heard the front door close quietly and i knew i had confused will, but at that moment he was just making everything harder, and i just wanted to hit him. i would be so happy when i could go to college and finally be rid of him without disappointing amelia. unfortunately, escaping him meant leaving amelia, but jack had convinced me already that that was the best thing to do.

...and the time is going to come when you cant be with amelia anymore. whether you move back with your parents, go to college, she cant support you anymore, whatever, you cant always be by her side. i want you two to stick together, but you have to stand on your own feet kat. just pretend im right there next to you. promise me you will try kat? you know how badly i want to be there with you...

of course i knew. we fought less when we were a couple than when we were friends. i was going to college in just a few short weeks. i had made a mental list of what things of jacks i wanted to bring. mostly his hoodies, but i wanted his skateboard and as many pictures as possible. and of course the journal.
the worst fear i had was that i would end up with a horrible room mate. and there was nothing i could do about it. i knew no one- though that could be construed as a good thing- and i had no idea how to make friends.

i had started going for more walks. whenever the weather was fine, i would put on a pair of shorts, shoes and a long sleeved shirt and walk until i couldnt walk any more. it felt good, like a non violent way of shaking off stress. my main cause of stress these days was college and will. he seemed to turn up whenever i was waltzing around the house in shorts and a t-shirt, so i had to race upstairs and put something on. it was too hot to be wearing long sleeves all the time, but i preferred that to showing will my arms. each scar was a memory of jack. i wasnt going to show that to any old stranger.
although now he was joining us for dinner most nights, and he came over all weekend and stole my kat-amelia time. but whenever i tried to express my annoyance, he would threaten to tell amelia that i didnt like him. it was rather childish, but i wanted my amelia back, he was stealing her from me. and soon i wouldnt be able to just hang out with her.

i tried telling her one night.
will had just left, and we were tidying the kitchen.
"do you feel like will is here too much sometimes?"
"why would i think that?" her tone was light and airy.
"we never have girl time anymore."
"we are right now! what are you getting at love?"
"nothing." she was never going to see will for what he really was.
not that i knew, but he was still sneaking glances at me when he thought i wasnt looking. as if it werent embarassing enough, he would always look away innocently just to make me seem paranoid. it wasnt until a few nights before i left for college that i realised why.

the sun was just going down- the perfect time to go for a walk. i hadnt been in a few days and my legs needed to be stretched. i picked a different route this time, not that it could be much different, but i paid little attention. i had my music on, pacing to the beat of it when something seemed off. i paused the music and heard the footsteps behind me. still walking, i looked quickly behind me.
"will! what are you doing? you scared me half to death!"
he kept walking, right up to me. "why are you walking out this late?"
"because no one else is. or at least i thought so. its cooler at night. why are you following me?"
"i was on the way over actually." he was so close to me. and staring.
"why do you stare at me?" my voice was meant to come out fierce and threatening, but it came out as a squeak.
"sorry," he said, looking away, which was hard because his face was so close to mine.
"dont just apologise, tell me why!" there. my angry voice had come back again.
"you dont get it?"
"get what?" i was just getting frustrated now, i hated not knowing the obvious things.
he stepped forward, our bodies were an inch apart. his hand rested on the side of my next and i looked up at him. i had seen those eyes before in movies, and i had to run before-
"no! what are you doing?!" i stepped back from him as he stood still, trying to think of an excuse for what he had just done.
"why do you think i come over? to see amelia? yes. but i want to see you more. i kept wanting to say something, but then you would call me jack, or mention him, or get this heartbreaking look on your face and i knew i shouldnt. i dont know why i did it now. i guess since we are both going away to college i thought..." he drifted off into an awkward silence. i shook my head.
"youre crazy. ive never called you jack. just stay away from me." and i stalked off home, my neck burning where he had touched me. no. just no.

i was still shakingly angry when i walked through the door but i had to remember not to bite amelias head off. i grabbed a bottle of water and paced around the house, drinking and silently fuming. amelia sat patiently waiting. both jack and i did this all the time, she knew to sit and wait for us to talk, to find the right words or to calm down enough to get the words out.
"will. will, just tried to kiss me. did you know that? did you know he likes me more than he likes you? that he was coming around here to see me and not you? that hes so infuriatingly like jack that i want to throw boulders at his head? hes not jack. hes not my jack. he cant come here and assume he can take his place. jacks in a grave two minutes and he thinks he can just take me? no. theres no way. im sorry amelia, i know you like him, but he can not come back here again. no way. the presumptuous little bastard!" and i flung myself into the one-seater.
"you really didnt realise kat? you didnt see the way he looked at you?"
"yes, but i thought he was judging me. i didnt think he would like someone like me. he knows what happened with jack, you told him the first night he came here voluntarily. and he still arrives here all the damn time, thinking he can make me warm up to him. huh."
"he doesnt have to come here again kat. ill let him know tomorrow, ok?"
"im sorry amelia. i know you like him. i know hes a good kid, just not for anywhere around me."

we ate quietly that night. i knew i had upset amelia, but she must have figured i was really upset because she didnt say anything to me.
will didnt come over again. i packed all my things up. we loaded it all into amelias car, and i drove behind her, all the way to the dorms. she helped me set my room up, i pushed my bed into the corner and put a few pictures up of me and jack, my favourite ones. i folded all my clothes away, set up my desk and chair, all the little things, and amelia ran down to the car and back up again before i could start saying goodbye.
"i want you to have this. a part of me and a part of jack and a part of you." it was the portrait of jack she had sent with me on my road trip.
"thank you amelia. i love you."
we walked down to her car again to say our proper goodbyes. the sun was glaringly bright and i could hardly see. we walked across the lawn when i hit something hard.
"im so sorry! let me help you up there- kat? what are you doing here?"
i grabbed the hand he extended, blinked a few times before realising who stood in front of me.
oh you have got to be kidding me.
"will. what are you doing here?" i shook my hand out of his grasp.
"college. i didnt know you were attending too. im sorry for bowling you over there."
i spun around and made for the car without saying sorry or thank you or any of what i really wanted to scream at him- that would have had me kicked off campus for sure.
amelia and i said our goodbyes, each shedding more than a few tears, and then i was left on my own for the first time since jack had stepped into my life.

Reckless (Part Fifteen)

AMELIA


the dinner went pretty smoothly. in retrospect, somethings could have gone better, but everyone enjoyed themselves in some way or another.
the prep was all done, i had even arranged all the raw materials in clear glass bowls like they do on the cooking channel i so loved to watch. at ten to seven, joanne and maria turned up- maria was driving, so i swiftly delievered a white wine to joanne and a lemonade to maria, and they took their seats at the counter where we would be eating. i felt so grown up. i had a plate of chips and crackers with some hummus in the middle for them to snack on while i cooked. i sipped my own glass of wine and the doorbell rang again, this time presenting me dawn and sally. the had brought with them a bottle of sparkling grape juice, and took their seats also.
at quarter past seven, claire and her son turned up.
i gasped. i hadnt expected him to look anything like jack. but there he stood, brown hair, brown eyes, tall, gangly, and even dressed the same. luckily, while i gawked at this jack-clone, claire was jabbering away about being late. i ushered them inside.
"...and of course Will decides he doesnt want to come. damn near had a tantrum as i threatened to drag him here by his ear. he can sit somewhere else while we catch up cant he?" she almost pleaded with me. i felt sorry for him instantly. i poured claire a wine and got will a glass of coke and settled him in the living room.
"Will is it? short for anything?"
he seemed shocked i was talking to him as we meandered down the hall. "william, like my dads middle name. im sorry to ruin your night. mum doesnt trust me much."
"how old are you will?"
"me? eighteen."
"i had a son your age. died not long ago, and you look so much like him."
"oh im so sorry! i didnt know."
"of course you didnt. but i noticed your mother is a bit hard on you. if you ever need to talk to anyone, or a place to stay, well, you know where i am. now, heres the remote for the tv, and this one is for the satellite. ill bring you your food when its ready. i take it youll eat a bucketload?"
he grinned. "thanks amelia. for everything."

the rest of the evening went smoothly. i joined the gossip in the kitchen as i cooked- multitasking! i should have taken a picture to prove it to kat!- and took most of it through to will. everyone ate all of it and i glowed with pride. we had dessert and then coffee too, and it was nearly midnight before everyone left. on his way out the door i gave will a piece of paper with my number and address on it and bid them all a safe trip home.
once the door was closed and locked, i looked at the kitchen in dismay. i may have been multi tasking, but that had lead to a huge mess being created. i shrugged and decided to leave it til morning. i had done well and needed a sleep. the wine wasnt helping, i was feeling a tiny bit tipsy and smiled to myself as i knew it would help me drift off to sleep that much better.

i slept in the next morning, and was woken by the sun in my window. i got up slowly, showering and dressing before plodding downstairs to deal with the disaster kitchen.
it wasnt that bad, but it took me a good half hour to get it back to its original state. while i was washing, i remembered fondly the time kat and jack had tried making me a birthday dinner and had ended in a foof fight. that had taken hours to clean, with pasta sticking to every surface and the cream sauce coating every surface. i smiled at the memory, and stored it away for future reference.

i spent the rest of the day sorting through the garage and finding some paintings i might like to offer for selling. i brought them up into the house, and took some others back down in their place. they were stacked neatly accodring to size, and by the end of the day i was tired again. i dressed in sweats and curled up on the sofa, watching a trashy movie and doodling absentmindedly until i headed upstairs for bed.

the next day i continued with my sorting and found a huge stash of old jewellery i had made and put it in piles by what it was and what would sell. i kept a few pieces for me too.
when the knock on the door came, i jumped. i wasnt expecting anyone, and i hoped it wasnt kats parents. i wasnt sure how they would react when i told them i had let her go on a road trip without their consent and without me. so i was nervous when i opened the door, and completely shocked to see will standing there.
"hey amelia, im real sorry, do you mind if i stay here for a little bit? my parents are throwing a fit and i cant hack it there right now. you can tell me to leave if you-"
"nonsense. come in. do you want anything to eat or drink? i have some lasagne i can heat up if you want?"
"no, im ok for now, thanks though." he stood in the middle of the room, looking lost and confused. i felt so bad for him, i crossed the room and hugged him- quickly, but gently. he looked even more confused after that, but softened, probably at the though of my dead son. i told him to take a seat at the counter and busied myself with making coffee while i waited for him to talk. i had had enough experience with troubled teenagers to know that generally its best not to pry and wait for them to open up to you. i fished some chocolate biscuits from the pantry and laid it on a platter- coffee, milk, sugar and cookies. i was becoming quite the martha stewart i thought to myself. i settled myself next to him and filled a cup with coffee and milk and sugar and began the dunking process.
"my mother would tell me not to play with my food if i were doing that."
i smiled. "im not the average mother. lions get to chase their food before they eat it, why cant i?"
he relaxed at that. "they dont understand that its not me. my friends arent really the best group, and they make me do stupid stuff, stay out late, smoke, tease the other kids. i hate doing it, but i hate the idea of not having friends as well. dad just get angry. i hate being there all the time."
i could tell this was a huge weight off his shoulders. he had no one he could talk to about this. he poured himself a coffee and grabbed a handful of biscuits. i picked up my cup. "come sit in the lounge. i can bore you with pictures of jack and kat growing up."
we sat in the living room, and i told him all about jack and his father, and how jack had met kat.
"wow," he said when he saw kat. "shes really pretty. is she.... with jack?"
i knew what he meant by that. "no, she lives. shes gone on a road trip actually, a huge step for her. especially without jack. i wonder how shes getting on..."
we flicked through the pages of the photo album, telling him all the details about their life.

i heard a car outside, but figured it was the neighbours. it wasnt until the front door opened that i realised it was someone else. two seconds later, kat walked in and i gasped.
she looked so different. her hair was shorter, but not by much- if it wasnt so smooth i wouldnt have noticed. she was wearing makeup, and completely different clothes. she looked like a different person, but still very kat. her light blue eyes shone next to her light blue tank top. then her eyes fell on will, still looking at the photos, but glanced up at kat when i gasped.
"kat! youre home early!" and i jumped up and hugged her. i hadnt realised how much i had missed her until she stood before me. i held her back at arms length to look at her. "youve changed! you look so beautiful oh my god!"
"youre shocked. is it too weird?"
i could tell she was nervous, possibly because of the jack look-alike sitting here with me.
"not weird at all. where are my manners? kat, this is will, hes a friend of a friend. will, this is kat."
"you say that like he knows who i am," kate said, her eyes on her shoes. her voice was quiet and i knew she wanted to get out of this situation as soon as she could.
"amelia was just showing me some photos and i recognized you when you walked in." he walked around and stood by us, and shook kats hand with a sobre look on his face. "shall i leave you two alone for a minute? you must have gossip to catch up on. another coffee anyone?"
god, he was such a gentleman.
"two more please will, thankyou." i turned to kat once he had left and ushered her to the couch.
"amelia! who is he? if youre trying to find me a replacement jack, well you should know me a bit better by-"
"shush, no hes a girl from works son, and he gets into a bit of trouble, more misunderstandings really. he wanted to talk to someone and he turned up here. its just a coincidence he looks like jack. please dont run away?"
"ill stay and talk. nothing embarrassing please."
"yay! now, tell me about your very sucessful i see, shopping trip?"
"later, here he comes."
and will walked in, and his eyes automatically sought out kat and smiled at her like i was invisible. uh oh.



KAT

as it turned out, will was lovely. he was polite enough to know when i wanted to talk to amelia and made us coffees while she debriefed me. i did enjoy seeing their jaws drop when i walked in though, that was fun.
for about an hour we sat on the couch going through the phot albums amelia had, drinking too much coffee and remembering old stores will wasnt there for.
"i really must get going amelia, thank you so much. for everything."
"thats really not a problem will, youre welcome any time."
i blushed for no reason.
"goodbye, kat, it was really good to meet you." the way he looked at my face made me turn redder and i glared at my shoes again. he was rather old fashioned.

amelia and i sat in the kitchen later, waiting for our pre-packaged meals to cook in the microwave.
"will couldnt stop looking at you."
"what? he probably thought i just looked weird or different from all those humiliating pictures you showed him."
"and the reason he was sitting so close on the couch to you?"
"because you were taking up so much room? i dont know, but im not even slightly interested and i dont care. he is a nice person, but he is your friend not mine."
"ok. anyway, tell me all about this trip of yours. why the make over?"
"well, i was driving and driving- i got really good at it you know- and i decided to visit the colleges i had been accepted into. and i narrowed it down to two."
"which two?"
when i told her the universities, her eyes brimmed up with pride. "oh kat, im so proud of you. i honestly didnt think you would do anything ever again because of... because of jack being gone."
well, i hadnt either. but after so many journal entries of him being in love with me and in love with the fact i was alive, i couldnt deny him that. he fought so hard to keep me here, so hard to make me happy, and was, until he died. but i wanted jack to see me. i wanted to prove to him i could be happy, and even though i couldnt do it while he was alive, i was still going to do it for him.

Reckless (Part Fourteen)

AMELIA


the day you wake up after something traumatic happens is never a good one.
it is usually a good thing that it happens, but what makes it happen is usually highly embarrassing and painful.
needless to say, when kats parents turned up, i wanted to close the door on them. they hadnt heard from kat in a while and apparently our phone had been disconnected due to me not opening our mail- and therefore not paying any of the bills.
as they stood on my front porch, their faces were a mixture of pity, disgust and anxiety. they tried looking past me into the house to find out where the dreadful smell was coming from, but i closed it behind me and stood on the porch with them. it was the first time i had been outside in days. work had told me to take a couple of weeks off. i had forgotten why i needed a job anyway.
"Amelia. how are you?"
i wasnt even aware who was talking, my eyes were staring at their faces without seeing them.
"fabulous! lets go out shall we?" my voice sounded strange. it was high pitched and croaky, as though i was a boy going through puberty.
the exchanged worried looks.
"amelia, dear, youre in your pajamas."
she said it very softly, touching my forearm in deep concern. huh. so i was.
"may we come in, dear? we have some things we want to talk about."
i didnt move. my face stayed blank and i said nothing.
they gently pushed past me, taking me into the house withe them. i could see the disgust on their faces.
they sat us down on the sofa in the living room, trying not to sit on anything dirty.
"i know this is hard for you amelia, really i do."
lie. your son hasnt died.
"but we think you need a bit of help around here. someone to help you get on your feet again."
"we can easily send someone over to just tidy up, sort your mail and your bills, get some groceries for you, even cook you some meals," said kats dad.
i nodded silently. so long as they didnt suggest-
"and a counsellor, like kat had. they can help you cope, theyve done this sort of thing before."
so have i. im doing just fine.
it was silent for a few minutes before they spoke again- for they seemed to be speaking as a unit- i couldnt distinguish who was whom.
"how is kat?" i looked at her mother. her voice was low and urgent, probably the only time she had ever felt concerned about her daughter.
"shes fine. sad, but she will be ok. she wants to live here still, if thats alright with you?"
"we just worry, about how youre both coping. if its easier for her to not be here, please dont hesitate to let us know. i can see how difficult it must be for you."
i nodded again. i just wanted them gone.
"right. well. we will send someone over tomorrow, just leave everything to us, payment included."
"good luck amelia, let us know if you need anything."
and then they left. they left me there, standing by the front windows watching them leave in their flashy car, their perfect life, and left me and kat here. i sunk to the floor and disappeared into my own torment. it wasnt until kat curled up behind me that i felt even slightly comforted by the tears that drenched my face and the carpet i lay on.


KAT


i heard my parents.
i saw their car from an upstairs window.
i felt amelias tension and fear.
and i sat very still, half way up the stairs, too afraid to go near them. the questions and the primping would be too much. so i waited until they left and lay down with amelia, trying to take her pain from her.

the following morning, three people knocked on the door. they came, they cleaned, they conquered.
two people cleaned the house. thoroughly. vacuumed and polished and waxed. with the exception of mine and amelias rooms. they simply took rubbish and any dishes and left it at that.
the other one set to work in the kitchen. he cooked for hours, filling the house with smells i had long since forgotten. lasagne, pasta, stews and casseroles, desserts, side dishes, snacks, all prepared, labelled, divided into single portions and either refrigerated or frozen. before they left, they had sat and opened the mail, discarding junk and finding the most overdue bills to pay. they called the service companies with amelias consent and paid with her credit card. everything was so ordered and ready. there was a list on the fridge of bill dates and trash days and a calendar marking all these dates. i couldnt believe it. for once in my life, i wanted to throw my arms around my parents and thank them for everything. they were helping, once again, in the only way they knew how.
the cleaners talked everything through with amelia, bills and things, walked through the house for one final check, took everything with them, and left. i didnt know what to do. sitting in this clean house made me want to do something. so i got up and took a shower. not one like the ones i had been taking, where i would sit down and cry and smell jacks products, but one where i took my loofah and scrubbed away at my skin, washed my hair and even shaved my legs. i put clean clothes on, and tied my hair back.
amelia had left the lounge by the time i arrived back downstairs, but i heard clunking in her room. i scribbled a note from her and left.

i had been walking for two hours, not thinking, not going anywhere in specific, just walking and walking. which was weird because i dont do exercise. ever. by the time i got home again, amelia had three piles of clothes on the living room floor.
she was wearing a pair of deep blue jeans and a pale blue shirt with only a little bit of paint on it. she looked so nice, her auburn hair tied back, several rogue strands in her face. her cheeks were pink from the effort of getting it all downstairs.
"kat!" she cried when i walked in. "where have you been?!"
"i left a note, i just went for a walk. what are you doing?"
she grinned at me, a little manically. "spring cleaning."
"spring was months ago." it was scary. amelia was dressed to the nines by her standards, and cleaning voluntarily. "amelia, whats going on?"
she abandoned her piles and came and stood in front of me. "i dont even know. i want to make a change, and now seems like a good time to do it. ive frozen my life since jack was born-" we both jumped at the use of his name "-and now i want to go again. i dont want to try and forget him, but i want a bigger future. will you help me?"
i sighed. amelia had given her whole life to jack and i. i couldnt blame her for wanting to focus on herself for a bit. "of course i will."
"im selling some of my paintings. will you mind?"
wow. amelia hadnt sold anything. she hadnt wanted to. not that it wouldnt sell, but she kept all her projects in the house to inspire us. me.
"of course not. not all of them though?"
she sighed. her face was a lot smoother now, like she had calmed down a lot. "no. im getting a guy from my old high school to come in. he valuates art and gives advice. he lives a while away, but hopefully he can get me on my feet. i also want to go to the markets and see what sort of art is there too, see if i cant make a little extra money from my smaller pieces- jewellery and pottery."
"honestly amelia, i think its a great idea. you might also get some more room in this house. youre not leaving your job though?"
"god no. my parents were right. steady income. but extra cash wouldnt go too far amiss would it?"
i laughed. it sounded weird, it even felt weird in my throat as it gurgled its way out.
"ill help in anyway you want me to. ive got all summer."
"thats reminds me." she put her arm on my shoulder and walked with me to the couch. we sat down, and i knew what was coming. "what are you doing kat? i know you were going to go to college, but is that what you want still? do you think you can do it?"
truth is i hadnt really thought about it. i knew my parents were willing to pay for every little fee for college, even willing to pay to get me into a good one. i still hadnt decided. i had gotten into a few of the ones i had applied to.
"i dont know. ive sort of been thinking about the money i have. and travelling."
"wow. thats a big step for you kat." by that she meant doing something without jack. no doubt she thought i wouldnt go to college without him. i didnt blame her- i had never done anything without jack there making me do it.

truth was, i hadnt actually considered the road trip until i saw jacks car in the driveway. it was a wreck, barely road worthy, but it ran on not a lot of gas, and amelia had her own, so it was mine. on my way home that day i had seen it, bright green and filthy, sitting in the drive, and the memories of me and jack sitting our test flooded back to me.


we were 15, and jack was so eager to drive it was unbearable. i tested him on all the questions, day and night, and through testing him, it turns out i knew them all too. when he went to get his licence, i went too of course, and decided i might as well have it. amelia agreed to teach us how to drive, a process that had taken longer for me than it had for jack. but we were both able to drive, though i never really enjoyed it as much as jack.

not that i knew where i would drive to, i just knew i wanted to go somewhere before the summer ended. it had only begun a short while ago, but the next two months stretched on ahead of me like eternity.


the rest of the afternoon, amelia and i played dress up with all her clothes, and ended up throwing a large pile away, sending them to goodwill where they could be used again, and folded all her wintry clothes away. she wouldnt need them for a good five months at least. all her summer clothes got sent upstairs again, leaving a lot more room in her bedroom.
we ate dinner (precooked fettucine) quietly that night, sitting at the kitchen counter with the tv on in the background. it seemed like we were finally out of our slump.

over the next week or so, amelia and i set to work on me getting ready for my road trip. we marked out places on the map where i would drive, stop along the way and fill up the tank. we bought things i might need- a tents and sleeping bag, a gas cooker, a first aid kit and a new cellphone. i drove everywhere, just to get used to it. i practised filling the tank. and i checked my bank balance. it was now up to seven thousand. i didnt even want to question how that had happened.

before i left, amelia stopped me. i knew she was holding back tears because her eyes were wide and trying not to blink.
"i want you to take someone with you. he would be so proud." and she handed me a painting of jack. it was only a small canvas, and just his head and shoulders, but he was wearing the grin i always saw him with and my heart broke again.
i nodded. i couldnt speak now as i was holding back tears too.
i reversed out of the driveway, and drove off down the road, watching amelia in my rearview mirror until i couldnt see her anymore.



AMELIA

kat was gone.
jack was gone.
max was gone.
i was alone in my house for a period of time longer than when kat and jack were coming home. it was as though i was a mother hen and all my little chickens had flown the coop.
of course it had to happen at some point. jack was always going to die, and ka wasnt always going to stay here. so i decided to make the most of it.
i didnt really have friends, except for the ladies at work. we all gossiped at work, but never saw each other outside of there. i decided, since kat was going to be away for a few days, that i would invite them all over for dinner. since the house was clean already.
i prowled through the kitchen looking for the cookbook my mother had gifted me when i settled into this house. it was fairly basic- aimed at teenagers who had moved out of home- but had some decent things in there. i figured i would need to practice before i served it to anyone. i found it, and looked carefully for a dish that was simple to make but very impressive.
i decided on a stirfry, because that couldnt possibly go wrong. i hoped.
i called five of the girls i worked with and four of them could make it. i was pleased, and very nervous.

i had never worried about cleaning in my life, but now i wanted my home to look nice for my friends. i wanted a casual dinner, but that didnt mean i didnt run around the house cleaning frantically for the next day or two. the downstairs bathroom gleamed, the lounge and the kitchen looked warm and inviting. my stirfry was coming along nicely. honey soy sauce and chicken with big fat noodles. i tried it and figured it tasted pretty good, so i portioned it and froze it for kat and i to eat another day. i bought several bottles of wine from the store, some red and some white, and some other drinks for those who didnt want wine. i even bought chocolate brownie slice for dessert, as the recipe book said if you warmed it up and served it with icecream and chocolate sauce, it looked posh without making any effort. i decided this was my best bet.
when saturday rolled around, i was a mess. i had everything i needed, but i had no idea what to wear. i called kat as soon as i figured she would be awake.
"kat?"
"hey amelia, im fine. sorry i havent called, i hope you werent worrying, i-"
"no time for that, what am i going to wear?"
"calm down. what are you going to wear for what? oh my god amelia you havent got a date have you?"
"me? ha. no, im having some of the girls from work over for dinner, and i have no clothes. what should i wear?"
"awwww youre so cute. ok, how formal is it?"
"casual."
"wait, youre cooking for these people?"
"yes."
"do they know your track record? have you warned them of the risks? how come you never cook for me?"
i laughed. "figured i would branch out. im making them stirfry. theres extra in the freezer. you can try it when you come home. clothes, kat, i need clothes."
"hmmmmm." and then she was muttering to herself. "what green do you have?"
i thought about it. "nothing really, unless you count paint splatters. why?"
"green goes nice with red hair. try that?"
ok. shopping. "thanks kat. have fun, be safe, love you."
"you too. dont poison anyone."

the shops on a saturday was terrifying. i scuttled from my car (parked a good walk from any shop) to the only store i ever shopped at. i ran inside and grabbed a shop assistant.
"i need a green something. please." she looked at me in shock, and i smiled so i didnt look half as crazy. then she straightened herself out and went into shop-girl mode.
"what is your size, if you dont mind my asking?"
i blushed and told her, as she started picking things off racks. they were all in a multitude of shades but all in green. some were tops and others were dresses.
after a good fifteen minutes, i decided on a bright green satin shirt with sleeves to my elbows, and a deep jade dress that cut down quite low, with an empire line skirt. i wasnt sure which i would wear, but i figured i could use both. i bought a black singlet for under it, and left in a hurry. the assistant seemed very happy with my purchase.
i sent kat pictures to her phone and waited for a reply.
wow amelia. go for the dress. you look lovely, have a good time. love, kat x
i took off the dress and went downstairs to prepare. it was only 11am, but i needed to do something. i cut the chicken into perfect pieces, then started on the vegetables. i was deciding whether to add another half a carrot when the phone rang.
i bustled to get it, wiping my hands on a towel on the way.
"amelia speaking."
"amelia dear, its claire here, i have some bad news, i can still make it, but would my son be able to come with me? im afraid hes had some trouble with his friends and i dont want to leave him at home on a saturday night. knowing him he would probably throw a party and hope i dont notice."
he was clearly in the room when she said this, i noted.
"sure thing claire, i was just about to go shopping. thanks for letting me know ahead of time. ill see you at seven tonight. bye for now"
i paused, and started chopping a lot more vegetables. i knew how much teenage boys could devour.



KAT

i lay on the bed in my hotel. it wasnt anything too flash, i didnt want to waste money on luxuries. i had read a lot at my many stops along the way, of jacks diary. i now knew without a doubt that he had truly loved me from the first moment we met. not that he hadnt told me before, but i could clearly remember the way he looked at me before i had any inkling of the way he felt. i was so oblivious. i couldnt imagine how frustrating it must have been for him to watch me trying to destroy myself. the fact he waited four years to tell me killed me. we could have done so much, we could have been together for so much longer, if he had just told me. but i would remember that for the majority of those four years i was in self desrtuct mode. i would have run if he had told me. i was convinced we were best friends and nothing more. how stupid i had been.
but it was over now. he was gone. this road trip was me saying goodbye to him. at every stop i had take a picture of me and the scenery around me. standing on the edge of a cliff, the view stretching out behind me, sitting on the bonnet of his car, singing in his car, in the hotel, jumping on the bed, the city, the scummy gas stations i had stopped at along the way.
i called amelia once or twice a day to let her know where i was and how i was. it was good to hear her voice, but at the same time it was good to be away on my own for a while.

i had visited all the colleges i had been accepted into.i had narrowed it down to two. one of them i could stay living with amelia, and the other i would have to move into the dorms there. i wasnt sure which i was going to do yet, so i made a mental note to talk to her about it when i got home.

like amelia, i had turned over a new leaf. i was mourning jack still, i was terribly sad and missed him every second of the day, but i changed a bit. i went shopping and bought clothes that fit me, rather than just jacks hoodies and baggy t-shirts. i bought fitting jeans (not too fitting of course) and cardigans and tank tops. i still got glares from shopkeepers if they saw my arms, and it still lit a fire in me, but i ignored it. to me they were the girls from high school who had tormented me all through high school. i could deal with that.
i bought colours too, which was a biggie. pale blue, electric blue, even yellow and green. one of the more helpful shop girls figured i hadnt done this before, and told me the colours i should wear more of. she even told me i looked lovely.


so when i returned home, i wasnt surprised amelia barely recognized me. i had had may hair cut a bit shorter, and trimmed my fringe a bit too. i wasnt wearing eyeliner, just a little bit of mascara someone had suggested i try. i was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue tank top with a white cardigan over it.
i hadnt told amelia i was coming home, but she had called me earlier that day so i knew she would be home.
what i hadnt expected was a teenage boy sitting on the couch with her when i walked in.


dark blue by jacks mannequin- yes or no?