Reckless (Part Sixteen)

"i think you should go away."
"what?" i was confused. we were watching tv with cups of tea and chocolate, so i had no idea what she could be referring to. due to our excessive amounts off caffeine during the day, it was nearly midnight, and we were sitting in our pyjamas and slippers, despite it being warm outside still.
"for college. stand on your own two feet. get out of this town, find some new people to be around. go away."
"oh, i thought you meant i smelled bad. i dont know. i dont want to leave you all on your own amelia. youre the closest person i have. youre the only person i have. abandoning you seems so cruel."
"youll be an hour away. worst case scenario, we both drive towards eachother and its only half an hour. thats not that far kat. you need space to spread your own wings. and ive had a kid for eighteen years. and two kids for four of those years. you obviously dont need to know this, but the last time i had sex was before jack was even born. i need to spread my wings too you know?"
we sat in silence, sipping our drinks, pondering our future.
"you know, i always thought about calling you mom. but i think it would have been weird, more when jack and i were together. because really, you were my mother, more than my biological one ever was. i love her and everything, but i dont like her at all. i dont live with her, i hardly talk to her, i dont know. home is where the heart is. and mine is here."
"you can if you want to. call me mom."
more silence, and the conversation flickered through my head. moving away for a few years seemed like a good idea. i caould always transfer if it was terrible, or missed amelia too much. but something told me-the same something that told me to go shopping- that starting fresh was going to be easier than i thought.


I spent the rest of the summer doing several things.
i called my parents and let them know of my decision to attend college, and they even sounded happy when i told them which one it was. then, in order to show me they were proud, they sorted all of the payments.
i enrolled at the school, and sorted out my dorm room.
i sold art with amelia at the sunday fair and market in town. we would wake up at the crack of dawn, set up a stall, and wait for our customers to come and buy it all. to start off with it was slow. we sold small paintings and lots of jewellery, and a few fruitbowls. despite the getting-up-early-on-a-sunday business, i loved sitting in the boot of amelias car talking to her and drinking a wide variety of hot drinks.
and i went shopping some more. when i got back after my road trip, i went shopping with amelia and soon enough, we were sick of the mall, so we wandered the little side streets and alleyways. we stumbled upon a little boutique, selling a wide variety of cardigans and t-shirts, and jeans and skirts for petite girls like me. the prices werent too bad, but after a few visits we were slowly getting a bigger discount. the girl behind the counter reminded me of myself, so i smiled shyly at her every chance i could. one nice customer was sure to make her day a little more pleasant.

all in all, amelia was my best friend now. my best friend, my mother, my dead boyfriends cool mom, and my friend.

much to my disdain, will started turning up more frequently. he claimed to be fighting with his parents, and i knew where he was coming from, but it was so frustrating for him to just turn up. the way he looked at me made my blood boil. quite often i would storm out of the room to keep from hitting him or saying something scathingly bitter. then he would start turning up when he knew amelia would be at work, and ask if i wanted to go for a walk or something. it was harder not to be mean then, when i knew amelia wouldnt tell me off fo rbeing rude.
one particular tuesday i was sitting in jacks room, wearing one of his hoodies and reading his journal. it had just past lunchtime, so i was considering getting some food. my music was blaring, as loud as i could take it.

...and i know youre terrified, but i really want you to skate. imagine how much fun itll be, in the summer, skating together down to the supermarket for icecream? i bet blue will side with me too. she always wanted you to skate as well. i think shes a little bit jealous because youre so little. it would just be a such a big something for you kat, i really think-

my door burst open and i jumped, scared out of my wits.
"what are you doing here?!" i dropped the journal and stood on the bed, absolutely livid.
"ive been knocking, i can understand why you didnt hear me-" and he walked over and turned down my music "- so i thought i would come in anyway. i didnt think you would mind that much."
i glowered at him. "what if i had been getting changed? do have this much respect for everyone else or do you reserve this type of arrogance just for me?"
"arrogance?" he seemed offended and surprised.
"you walk in here like you live here, then assume i want to see you at all, let alone unannounced."
"im sorry kat."
"just go downstairs ill be there in a minute."
he left quietly. my hands were shaking. i wasnt sure why i was so mad. i just wanted him away from me. i took jacks hoodie off and went downstairs to the kitchen. still angry, i grabbed an apple and a knife and began cutting chunks from the apple. i wasnt sure if it was past experience or just fury, but i was seeing red as the blade sunk into the apple again and again. i ate each piece of apple slice off the knife, and glared at will, daring him to speak.
"i really am sorry kat. will you forgive me?"
i rolled my eyes. "only because youll tell amelia and ill get the blame. what did you want anyway?"
he fidgeted. "i was bored, i figured you might be too. middle of summer holidays and such. but you were busy, im sorry."
"some of us have lives."
"sitting in your bedroom reading?"
"yes."
"why were you wearing a hoodie? its roasting outside. were you wearing that cardigan underneath?"
"why does it matter?"
"i just thought you might be hot thats all."
"well i wasnt. its none of your business anyway. dont you have friends?"
"youre my friend." his voice was soft and he was talking to his hands.
"i would hardly say that."
"really?"
"why, you think i enjoy you sneaking up on me, turning up here, staring at me instead of talking to amelia? its uncomfortable actually."
"im sorry, i didnt realise it annoyed you so much. ill stop."
"stop what?" i asked.
"turning up here. all of it."
"then i would definitely get the blame. just stop staring at me. its like youre trying to decipher something written on my skin." i pulled nervously at my sleeves as i said this.
"what would you like? shall i ignore you everytime im here? would you like me to talk only to amelia, to not say hello to you when youre not in the room? turn up when youre not here?"
his voice was not angry, but that quiet, tortured voice that somehow made me even madder.
"just stop staring at me, thats all. and dont come in jacks room again."
"thats your room kat. but i wont."
"you should go now." and i turned and walked upstairs before he could say another infuriating word.

in jacks room i sat in the corner of his bed, with his hoodie on again. i huddled right into the corner of the bed, the corner of the room, and tucked my knees up right under my chin and closed my eyes. i flickered through all the memories we had of eachother, i imiagined i was there, i could smell him on me, hugging me, holding me until i forgot what i was upset about. i fet the feeling of his arms around me, his low voice in my ear muttering everything but nothing at the same time and feeling my body sag against his as i relaxed, calmer than before the hug. slowly, i opened my eyes. the calm remained, but i was still hit my the blow of him not being here. like the gift that keeps on giving, but its a curse. the curse that just keeps cursing. he was gone. my boyfriend, my best friend. he was my whole life and now all i have is memories and his things. his smell was fading slowly. i only wore his clothes while i was reading, and hen i would take them off and put them carefully away so i wouldnt taint the smell of him.
i had no idea what to do when i was at college, or when i couldnt remember all the tiny details of his face and the memories we created.
i heard the front door close quietly and i knew i had confused will, but at that moment he was just making everything harder, and i just wanted to hit him. i would be so happy when i could go to college and finally be rid of him without disappointing amelia. unfortunately, escaping him meant leaving amelia, but jack had convinced me already that that was the best thing to do.

...and the time is going to come when you cant be with amelia anymore. whether you move back with your parents, go to college, she cant support you anymore, whatever, you cant always be by her side. i want you two to stick together, but you have to stand on your own feet kat. just pretend im right there next to you. promise me you will try kat? you know how badly i want to be there with you...

of course i knew. we fought less when we were a couple than when we were friends. i was going to college in just a few short weeks. i had made a mental list of what things of jacks i wanted to bring. mostly his hoodies, but i wanted his skateboard and as many pictures as possible. and of course the journal.
the worst fear i had was that i would end up with a horrible room mate. and there was nothing i could do about it. i knew no one- though that could be construed as a good thing- and i had no idea how to make friends.

i had started going for more walks. whenever the weather was fine, i would put on a pair of shorts, shoes and a long sleeved shirt and walk until i couldnt walk any more. it felt good, like a non violent way of shaking off stress. my main cause of stress these days was college and will. he seemed to turn up whenever i was waltzing around the house in shorts and a t-shirt, so i had to race upstairs and put something on. it was too hot to be wearing long sleeves all the time, but i preferred that to showing will my arms. each scar was a memory of jack. i wasnt going to show that to any old stranger.
although now he was joining us for dinner most nights, and he came over all weekend and stole my kat-amelia time. but whenever i tried to express my annoyance, he would threaten to tell amelia that i didnt like him. it was rather childish, but i wanted my amelia back, he was stealing her from me. and soon i wouldnt be able to just hang out with her.

i tried telling her one night.
will had just left, and we were tidying the kitchen.
"do you feel like will is here too much sometimes?"
"why would i think that?" her tone was light and airy.
"we never have girl time anymore."
"we are right now! what are you getting at love?"
"nothing." she was never going to see will for what he really was.
not that i knew, but he was still sneaking glances at me when he thought i wasnt looking. as if it werent embarassing enough, he would always look away innocently just to make me seem paranoid. it wasnt until a few nights before i left for college that i realised why.

the sun was just going down- the perfect time to go for a walk. i hadnt been in a few days and my legs needed to be stretched. i picked a different route this time, not that it could be much different, but i paid little attention. i had my music on, pacing to the beat of it when something seemed off. i paused the music and heard the footsteps behind me. still walking, i looked quickly behind me.
"will! what are you doing? you scared me half to death!"
he kept walking, right up to me. "why are you walking out this late?"
"because no one else is. or at least i thought so. its cooler at night. why are you following me?"
"i was on the way over actually." he was so close to me. and staring.
"why do you stare at me?" my voice was meant to come out fierce and threatening, but it came out as a squeak.
"sorry," he said, looking away, which was hard because his face was so close to mine.
"dont just apologise, tell me why!" there. my angry voice had come back again.
"you dont get it?"
"get what?" i was just getting frustrated now, i hated not knowing the obvious things.
he stepped forward, our bodies were an inch apart. his hand rested on the side of my next and i looked up at him. i had seen those eyes before in movies, and i had to run before-
"no! what are you doing?!" i stepped back from him as he stood still, trying to think of an excuse for what he had just done.
"why do you think i come over? to see amelia? yes. but i want to see you more. i kept wanting to say something, but then you would call me jack, or mention him, or get this heartbreaking look on your face and i knew i shouldnt. i dont know why i did it now. i guess since we are both going away to college i thought..." he drifted off into an awkward silence. i shook my head.
"youre crazy. ive never called you jack. just stay away from me." and i stalked off home, my neck burning where he had touched me. no. just no.

i was still shakingly angry when i walked through the door but i had to remember not to bite amelias head off. i grabbed a bottle of water and paced around the house, drinking and silently fuming. amelia sat patiently waiting. both jack and i did this all the time, she knew to sit and wait for us to talk, to find the right words or to calm down enough to get the words out.
"will. will, just tried to kiss me. did you know that? did you know he likes me more than he likes you? that he was coming around here to see me and not you? that hes so infuriatingly like jack that i want to throw boulders at his head? hes not jack. hes not my jack. he cant come here and assume he can take his place. jacks in a grave two minutes and he thinks he can just take me? no. theres no way. im sorry amelia, i know you like him, but he can not come back here again. no way. the presumptuous little bastard!" and i flung myself into the one-seater.
"you really didnt realise kat? you didnt see the way he looked at you?"
"yes, but i thought he was judging me. i didnt think he would like someone like me. he knows what happened with jack, you told him the first night he came here voluntarily. and he still arrives here all the damn time, thinking he can make me warm up to him. huh."
"he doesnt have to come here again kat. ill let him know tomorrow, ok?"
"im sorry amelia. i know you like him. i know hes a good kid, just not for anywhere around me."

we ate quietly that night. i knew i had upset amelia, but she must have figured i was really upset because she didnt say anything to me.
will didnt come over again. i packed all my things up. we loaded it all into amelias car, and i drove behind her, all the way to the dorms. she helped me set my room up, i pushed my bed into the corner and put a few pictures up of me and jack, my favourite ones. i folded all my clothes away, set up my desk and chair, all the little things, and amelia ran down to the car and back up again before i could start saying goodbye.
"i want you to have this. a part of me and a part of jack and a part of you." it was the portrait of jack she had sent with me on my road trip.
"thank you amelia. i love you."
we walked down to her car again to say our proper goodbyes. the sun was glaringly bright and i could hardly see. we walked across the lawn when i hit something hard.
"im so sorry! let me help you up there- kat? what are you doing here?"
i grabbed the hand he extended, blinked a few times before realising who stood in front of me.
oh you have got to be kidding me.
"will. what are you doing here?" i shook my hand out of his grasp.
"college. i didnt know you were attending too. im sorry for bowling you over there."
i spun around and made for the car without saying sorry or thank you or any of what i really wanted to scream at him- that would have had me kicked off campus for sure.
amelia and i said our goodbyes, each shedding more than a few tears, and then i was left on my own for the first time since jack had stepped into my life.