Reckless (Part Seventeen)

AMELIA


kat had gone to college, and while i was sad, i was also happy. i had freedom. to cook what i wanted, to be as noisy as i wanted, to watch what i wanted. kat had never been an inconvienience, but i felt more free now. if i wanted to act immature i could. i wasnt responsible for anyone but myself.
i just kept thinking of the look kat had given me as we said goodbye. i knew she thought that i knew will was going to the same college as her, and it broke my heart because i didnt know, but i never got to tell her. i had texted her, but no reply so far. it was now dinner time, and i busied myself with some of the stir fry i had frozen, and indulged myself in a glass of wine.

over the next few weeks i focused on not thinking about kat. it was hard, but i went out. i spent time with friends from work, went to bars i had never been to and had dinner in nice restaurants. it was a lot of fun. but kat still hadnt texted me, or called me, and whenever i tried calling her she never answered. i tried not to worry, because i knew that when she wanted to talk to me, she would.

"hello?" i answered my phone groggily. it was 1am on a friday night, and i had woken up to my phone ringing loudly. i should have turned it off.
"amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you."
there was a muffled sound that sounded like a phone being dropped, and i recognized the voice as will. what was will doing with kat at this time?
"amelyaimishyouuu!" slurred kat.
"kat honey, why are you drinking?"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
"yes kat. you should get some sleep. put will on for me lovey. good girl."
the muffled noise came again, then will, slightly breathless. "she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up."
"thats ok. look, keep an eye on her? she, um, tends to drink for all the wrong reasons. i wont go into detail right now, but keep her away from alcohol if you can, and dont leave her side. put her to bed, and stay with her ok? ill call tomorrow."
"ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia."
i fell back asleep almost instantly after that.


KAT

drinking away my problems had always been my weakness.
classes had started, parties were announced more often that phones went off in lectures, and hangovers were common like they were contagious. i stayed away as long as i could, but Lissie, my room mate loved them. she was nothing like me, but we got along ok. she was tidy and happy, and loved pop music. she went clubbing as often as she could, and was really good at explaining notes i had taken that i didnt understand. she kept to herself and didnt bring lots of strange people back to the room. any friends that did stop by were friendly, and usually waited for lissie to grab something then they would all head off. it was pleasant, having no rules, having different people to live with- i didnt hate them and i didnt love them. since the minute we met, lissie had been trying to convince me to go to parties and clubs with her. i declined politely, citing study and notes and not feeling well and not having anything to wear. she gave up a little bit after a while, asking mainly on weekends, probably just to be polite. she constantly apologised for making so much noise when she came in in the wee small hours of the morning, but i never heard her.
about two weeks had gone since college had started, and i hadnt seen will since the first day. which made me very happy indeed.
lissie bounced into the room with her usual grin and gagle of girls behind her.
"kat! sorry to interrupt, but we found this poster, and from what ive noticed, it seems like the sort of party you might like. live band, theyre pretty good, we heard them last week. please say youll come? you havent been out once, you must be curious?"
i took the pice of paper. i had heard of the band, and figured if i didnt like it i could just walk back to my dorm. it would make her happy, and it couldnt really be that bad.
"sure thing, ill come. i dont have anything to wear though..."
"its only casual, what youre wearing now is perfect. we will be back at about eight, then we can get ready and leave, ok?"
"sure, have a good afternoon, see you all later."
and they left in a cloud of muted gossip and happiness. they were like everyone from my old high school, but nice. not having my reputation preceed me was such a pleasant change.

for the rest of the day i wandered around the campus with jacks diary. i had stapled pictures of us to entries where the picture and the words matched up. like the first day i was on a skateboard, i pinned a picture of me sitting on the ground, the board thrown a good ten feet away, scowling up at jack behind the camera to the entry he wrote about this day. i liked to flick back through what i had already read when i was bored. i only read a new entry every few days. every single page held secrets of how he felt about me, and i held them tightly to my chest now as i wandered down to the creek that ran across the grounds behind the main buildings. there were a few bridges cutting across the stream, and i stood on one of them now. the water was clear beneath me, and i could see the rocks and silt at the bottom, sitting calmly, waiting for a storm to stir them up and bring them to the surface. the grass i had just walked across glittered in the sunlight, the individual blades shimmering in the late afternoon sun. the trees that lined the stream and school grounds rustled with the breeze quietly. i finished crossing the bridge and lay down on the bank. i opened the journal at a new page, one i hadnt read before.

what scares me the most is that ill scare you away. i know that every word i say and and every look i give you is analyzed. you wonder, subconsciously, is he going to hurt me now? what about now? tomorrow? and i know that one thing is enough to scare you away for good. so i have to be so careful. while i want to tell you, every second im with you, i cant because if you cant handle it, ive lost you. i would rather love you in secret and spend every second in anguish, wondering why i cant tell you, than tell you and never see you again. youre good at running and hiding kat, and if the time came for you to run and hide from me, you would never be found again...

i wasnt sure when i drifted off. one minute jack was on the page, the last piece i had of him, the next minute he was lying next to me on the grass, his eyes partly hidden by his hair. he looked at me, his dark brown eyes boring into me. our bodies were tangled together and our faces were nearly touching. he was warm and safe, and i rested my head on his shoulder and sighed quietly. he stroked my hair absentmindedly, muttering into my ear words i couldnt hear clearly enough to understand. i knew what they were though, and the soothing sound of his muffled voice sent me to sleep.
"kat, kat, wake up, you fell asleep. its dark now." his voice was gentle, his hands still patting my hair. rougher now though. weird.
"i dont want to move jack. wake me later."
"its not jack." the voice was hard now.
i snapped open my eyes and sat up straight. will was standing over me, his face cold and unreadable.
"wheres the letter?"
"this?" he held the journal up in his hand, and i leapt to my feet and snatched it off him. "you didnt-"
"of course not."
"good." i started stalking towards the dorms, checking my watch as i went. it was 8:30 already.
"oh god im late!" i started running up to the building.
"wait kat. its dark, let me walk you."
"go away, i dont need help walking."
he took up his place next to me though, easily matching my pace. i ignored him, and i ignored the looks i received from lissies friends when they saw will stading behind me as i began my apologies to lissie.
"... i just drifted off, i had no idea it was so late! im so sorry!"
"thats ok kat. we arent ready yet anyway. calm down."
"can you give me ten minutes to get ready?"
"of course!"
and i ran off to have the shower i desperately needed, ignoring the whispers of lissies friends regarding will.
i was off down the hallway, when he caught up. he grabbed my arm and spun me around. gently, but the act in furiated me.
"why cant you stay away from me?" i hissed.
"a simple thank you would have sufficed."
"i didnt ask for your help."
"well i wasnt going to just leave you sleeping there all night. what if someone else had found you? huh?"
"i said, i dont need your help. now stay away from me."
and i stormed off, leaving him and his bewildered face to look at me as i flew down the hall.
when i returned, four minutes later in a towel, he was long gone.
the girls slipped out the door while i changed, then they blow dried my hair while i put mascara on. i could tell lissies friends wanted to ask about will, but lissie must have told them not to because they didnt say a word.
we arrived by 9pm, and it was great. the music was louad, the punch was spiked with something strong and familiar, and there was a good mosh pit going on in front of where the band was playing. lissie saw me smile as i walked in and she beamed at me proudly. we got drinks straight away and i wandered away from lissie. the band was good, and as the vodka enhanced fruit punch slid down my throat i relaxed. i smiled at people, danced a little and laughed at all the stupid boys doing dares and removing clothes. i had had a couple of drinks when i found lissie again.
"thank you!" i shouted in her ear and hugged her.
"enjoying yourself i see?" she was grinning too, and held up her plastic cup. "to parties, and that cute boy behind you!" she yelled, drunk enough to not care. i touched my cup to hers and drank deeply.
"refill time!" and we stumbled to the table to get more.
i stopped short. will was behind me, looking mortified. i was fairly sure my face matched his.
"youre not a cute boy." huh. i wasnt supposed to say that out loud.
"thanks. look, im sorry, ill go. i didnt know you were coming. would have stayed away if i had known."
"no, stay! lissie thinks youre cute, you should ask her out!" i dragged him over to the punch and introduced them. i filled my cup and drank before toasting them. "to lissie and will- willissie!- may you have a wonderful life together. happy anniversary!!!" and i drank again, filling my cup once more before i stumbled off towards the mosh pit.
familiar hands grabbed my shoulders and steered me outside.
"jack! no i wanna dance jack, let me inside!"
"im. not. jack. for the last time kat, im not your jack. you hate me remember."
"you sound tense. you should have a drink! wheres your girlfriend? shes so pretty, is lissie. you should kiss her you should."
"sure kat. whatever."
he sat me down on a park bench and i slumped forwards on the table. "why do you follow me everywhere will?"
"you dont want to know. i dont follow you either kat, we just turn up at the same places. similar interests, it would seem." he sounded so sad.
"whyyousosad?" ugh. my tongue felt huge in my mouth, it was hard to talk around.
"because i can never have the one thing i want. anyway, lets get you home to bed. its nearly one."
and he put my arm around his shoulder and half carried me to my dorm.
"amelya! i want amelya. phone her formejackplease?"
"sure kat."
when we made it up the stairs to my room, he laid me down on my bed and took off my shoes. then he pulled out my phone from my pocket and called amelia.
"amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you." he handed me the phone and i dropped it clumsily. he picked it up and held it to my ear.
"amelyaimishyouuu!"
"kat honey, why are you drinking?"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
"yes kat. you should get some sleep. put will on for me lovey. good girl." i handed the phone to will but he moved his hand so i dropped it again.
"she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up." "ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia." and he hung up.