Reckless (Part Nineteen)

over the next few weeks, my life straightened itself out. i called amelia and apologised, and told her about will and lissie and all the tiny little things that were happening in college. i missed her more than i had realised, and i called her most nights just to hear her voice and talk about all the boring day to day things we took for granted before i left.
i was doing really well in my classes, the essay on poetry i had written got an A- which i pinned to my corkboard. it was the highest grade i had ever gotten, and it pushed me forwards to try and get an even better grade. when i told amelia i could hear in her voice she was trying not to cry of pride.
lissie and will were going well, they spent almost all their time together. as a result i was minus a room mate and a study partner, but i figured if they were happy, i would get over it. i kept my eyes peeled for any groups i might want to join, but none appealed to me really. i had got to know a lot of people in classes and tutorials, on my dorm floor, but none too closely. i went to more parties but stopped drinking and still managed to enjoy myself.
the weather had started getting colder so i dragged out old hoodies and sweatpants to go for my walks. the leaves were all on the trees still, and bright colours of red and brown and gold fluttered in the chilly breeze. i loved autumn, so i made a habit of taking my camera with me whenever i left the building. all in all it was a good atmosphere, but i had to work so hard to get all my work done. lissie and i pushed our desks facing one another so we could test eachother, but it worked. her grades, which she had found harder to maintain than high school, were back up to where they were before she was partying and with her boyfriend all the time. we were both getting As and Bs, and we were both so proud, we decided to go out and celebrate one friday night.
"whats one night of not studying huh? im sure we can have a night off every now and then!" she had exclaimed when i asked her on the thursday night. we were watching tv in the common room with most of the other people from our floor. it was now tradition- dinner at seven, then when we were done we all came up to the common room to watch tv, play board games, catch up with friends and just chill out before the intense load of study fell on our shoulders for the night.
so the next day, i put on a nice pair of shoes that hadnt been wrecked yet, and a nicer top with a cardi that lissie loaned me. we walked into the village, where most of the shops were and found a little japanese place. we hurried in and ordered big bowls of ramen noodles with fried dumplings and peach tea. we gossiped and i told her a bit more about my depression.
"i know you wont want to talk about it much ket, but i sort of have a few questions, you know, about having depression? ill ask, and if you dont want to answer, just say no thanks or something. i wont be offended or anythng, but i dont want to offend you either. is that ok?"
i agreed. lissie had been good to me, and i wouldnt be doing so well if i had anyone else as a roomie.
"ok. well i dont know much about it at all. i have crappy days, but is it different for you?"
"sort of. my good days were usually about the same as your day from hell. you feel like shit, all the time. everyone talks about you, no one talks to you, you dont want to try and do anything. from homework, to getting out of bed, to participating in anything. even jack couldnt cheer me up when i was really bad."
"wow. i cant imagine that at all you know? ive always been like a positive thinker, always thinking 'it could be so much worse for me' you know?"
"im really happy you can be able to say that liss, but i cant imagine that either. i always used to ask jack why he was just smiling. not thinking of anything in particular, he just had a smile on his face. it used to baffle me."
"did you ever, you know..."
"you can say it liss."
"did you ever want to die?" she whispered to me.
"every single second of every single day. i tried as well. twice."
she gasped, horrified. i shouldnt have been so blunt. i began to apologise.
"but what about jack? you still wanted to die even though jack loved you? you had a best friend, and you still wanted to?"
"yeah. i didnt feel like i deserved him. when i moved in with him and his mum amelia, i didnt really have a reason to be depressed anymore, but that didnt change anything."
"ok youre probably not going to want to answer this next one, you can excuse yourself if you hate me for asking. how did you do it?"
"wha-? oh." i lowered my voice for her. "i took a huge amount of sleeping pills. my mothers whole stash. and a bottle of vodka. and i cut my wrists. i wanted it done right. i cant even begin to tell you the despair and humiliation of failing."
"oh my god. im happy youre still here!"
"if jack hadnt left me that diary, i probably wouldnt be. i think he knew that."
we sat in silence for a while, digesting the conversation. i knew it was hard for lissie to comprehend, so i let her head relax. it was really weird telling someone all this. it was also weird having someone like lissie not hating me because of this.
we were getting ready for bed a few hours later, finishing homework and tidying up our stuff from the day while wiping off make up and getting changed when she asked me. i knew it was coming, but it didnt make it any easier to hear her say it.
"kat, would you mind if, i mean, could i maybe see your scars?"
i stiffened. i still didnt know whether to say yes or no. "maybe another time lissie? its all really new to me, this whole open sharing thing."
"sure! i thought you would say no. i guess it was pretty inconsiderate to ask."
"no, it really wasnt. it will be a lot easier not having to hide them from you, but its going to be a huge thing for me to just roll up my sleeves and show you. are you sure youll be able to handle seeing something like that?"
"i dont know. it hasnt scared me away talking about it, as you can see, but im just sort of intrigued by it, as crass as that is. its something im unfamiliar with, but its such a huge part of society these days, i almost feel like im missing out by not having any knowledge on it. like partying and all the other things im getting to do here i guess."
"i see. well, how about this, i wont take so much care to try and hide it from you, and if you happen to see them, you dont have to say anything if it does freak you out. if you want to see them some more, well, ill see how i feel as i go. deal?"
for some reason her big eyes lit up. "ok!"
as i fell asleep that night, listening to lissies breathing slow down, i ran my fingers over the bumps and dents in my arms. it tickled a little, and when i closed my eyes tight enough, i felt jack behind me, running his warm fingers up and down my arms absentmindedly, his breath in my ear tickling me and sending shivers all down the side of my body. i felt his knobbly knees in the back of mine, and heard him whisper to me gently, over and over again, "i love you kat. forever," until i fell asleep.

despite the weather growing colder i thought of ways to roll my sleeves up so lissie could get a look at my arms. sitting there showing her would be too weird, so i sat at my desk, the heater on full. i rolled up my sleeves when it started getting hot. when she came in, i haded her my flash cards and took hers. i tried not to be too obvious about it. i held up the cards, my sleeves werent all the way up, but the scars were clearly visible. i could see the moment where she noticed them. she whispered a very soft "oh!" and then continued, looking at me slightly different. not judging, not at all, but more saddened, and possibly more at ease.

"kat?"
it was just before dinner, and we were putting on our slippers so we could go downstairs.
"yeah?"
"you dont do it anymore do you?"
i knew what she meant right away. "i cant say for sure, but no, i dont. look." i rolled my sleeves as high as they would go. i was used to her seeing them, i could deal with her looking at them. she stopped and came over to look at them up close. she remained very quiet, and very carefully touched her thin fingers to the larger, thicker deeper scars.
"you... you did all of these?"
"over the space of about 2 years."
"wow. did it hurt?"
"not all of them." i pointed to a particularly wide scar. "this wouldnt stop bleeding for days. even when jack stitched it up himself."
she said nothing, but kept looking at the story of my life over a two year period. after a while ahs rolled my sleeves down and straightened up. "lets go get some dinner, im hungry. i hope its not stew again."
she didnt sound saddened by my arms, or angry, or afraid or any of the thousand other things i had expected. she simply moved it aside and focused on what we were doing. i knew she would be thinking about them a lot over the next few days, and i knew there were so many questions that threatened to spill from her mouth every time she opened it, but she kept quiet. i was so happy.

the questions did slowly begin to make their way out, and i answered them all as best i could, because i trusted her so much. she had dealt with everything i told her better than i thought anyone could.
"what mood were you in when you cut?"
"what did you do it with?"
"jack learnt how to do stitches?!"
"how did you hide it all?"
"which was your first one?"
"why didnt you stop then?"
"an addiction? tell me, i dont understand."

we often talked late into the night, on the nights she was here. she spent about half her time with will. i didnt mind at all, it gave me plenty of space to wear jacks hoodies- the weather was getting a lot colder now, i had to resist wearing them all the time- and read the journal. i read an entry one day, and my heart froze as i knew what was coming.

...and i kicked your butt! i dont understand how you can suck at video games so much kat. thats ok, it makes me so happy you still let me make you play with me. same with skateboarding. i can see youre left out, but you still want to come whenever i go. it sucks you cant get the hang of it, but practice makes perfect. not that you need to. i think if you played video games well and could skateboard, you would be me. oh crap. i left my memory stick at your house. until tomorrow....

i didnt want to turn the page. i knew the next entry wouldnt be until a few days later, when he finally returned home from the hosptial with me. i looked at my desk. i had a pair of kids scissors- i had bought them especially for moments like this. they were only sharp plactic, and wouldnt make so much as a red line on the surface of my skin. but them my eyes fell on lissies desk. she had a two holed pencil sharpener. i ran to it- hardly a run, it wasnt that far from my bed- and used my nail to unscrew the second blade, usually used for jumbo pencils. hands shaking, i seized the tiny metal blade and held it between my thumb and middle finger, my index resting between them comfortably. my heart was racing. i sat on my bed, holding the blade to my forearm, threatening to open up the first cut i had made the the day i tried to take my life for the first time.
"KAT! NO!"
lissie had seen me, and ran over to me now. i dropped the blade, not even bothering to fight her for it. she picked it up. "what is it from kat?" without waiting for an answer she looked to her deak. "a pencil sharpener? kat, what are you doing?"
i didnt speak, i simply nodded to the open journal next to me.
"you want me to read it kat? this entry?"
i nodded.
she read quickly, and put it down when she was done. "whats wrong kat? do you miss him?"
i felt a surge of guilt. because it wasnt missing jack that had prompted this, it was my addiction that had flared up again when i remembered that day.
"thats the last entry he wrote before he found me the first time i had tried to, you know."
"oh kat honey, i know you miss him."
"its not even that. i was missing the cutting, not jack so much." the fat, hot tears seared my cheeks and landed on my lap, staining the denim.
lissie was quiet for a moment. i knew she had nothing to say to that.
"do you want me to read the next bit to you kat? it might help to hear his take on it?"
"seriously? you would do that?"
"kat, i just walked in on you about to cut, right now i would do pretty much anything if it made you feel better."
"i dont deserve you," i snuffled.
"everyone needs a someone kat. you had jack, and im not trying to replace him, but you relied on jack. i want you to rely on me a bit too, if you can. ok?"
"ok."
lissie picked up jacks journal and began to read out loud.



WILL

being in love with someone is so much harder when they wont even be around you.
the time i was at amelias house and kat had walked in, i had fallen for her. not because of the fact she was beautiful. the pictures amelia had shown me of her and jack growing up showed me who she was. she was shy, cynical and emotional, and i wanted to know her my way, instead of through amelia and jack. so, thanks to amelias offer, i turned up as often as i could. she loved having me around, i knew, but catching a glimpse of kat was so hard. it wasnt long before she became uncomfortable around me, and i tried to backpedal as soon as i realised what i had been doing. apparently staring at someone and following them around the house just to be near them is creepy. truth be told i hadnt even realised i was doing it. she smelt amazing, and i always smelt a faint air of her on me whenever i returned home. it was a lovely reminder.

i knew she was off limits.
her heart belonged with someone who couldnt love her back anymore and it broke my heart that i couldnt change that. but that didnt stop me from wanting to try. all summer long i found excuses to go to amelias, and the day kat was walking and i found her was going to be my last chance. i walked from my house, as i always did, and saw a familiar head of deep brown hair bobbing away in front of me. her ponytail was swinging and her head was nodding to the sound of her ipod. i walked quicker, passing amelias house now to follow kat. her step faltered, but she kept walking, then snuck a glance my way. i wasnt too far from her now.
"will! what are you doing? you scared me half to death!"
"why are you walking out this late?" god i sounded like her father.
"because no one else is. or at least i thought so. its cooler at night. why are you following me?"
"i was on the way over actually." i had walked right up to her and was now standing closer than she had ever let me be before. i could feel her body heat through our clothes.
"why do you stare at me?" her voice came out weak, and i knew it was intended to be much stronger.
"sorry," i said, looking away, which was hard because my face was so close to hers.
"dont just apologise, tell me why!" the fury was back in her voice again and her eyes burned into me as though they might be able to hurt me.
"you dont get it?"
"get what?"
i stepped forward, our bodies were almost touching. i wanted to close the gap but resisted. my hand flew up to rest on her jawline tenderly. knowing this was my only chance, i looked her in the eyes and had barely started moving my face towards her when-
"no! what are you doing?!"
i stood still. what was i going to do, tell her i wanted to kiss her? "why do you think i come over? to see amelia? yes. but i want to see you more. i kept wanting to say something, but then you would call me jack, or mention him, or get this heartbreaking look on your face and i knew i shouldnt. i dont know why i did it now. i guess since we are both going away to college i thought..." i didnt actually know what i thought.
"youre crazy. ive never called you jack. just stay away from me." and she turned on her heel and left. humiliated, i went home. i didnt go around to amelias for the rest of the summer. innecessary pain wasnt my idea of fun, and i think if kat saw me again she would probably hit me.

so i busied myself with getting ready for college. i packed all my clothes, my pictures of me and my friends, my guitar and my bedding. it wasnt a lot, so it didnt take as long as i would have liked. i drove myself to college, preferring to say goodbyes at home rather than my new start afresh place. it was so exhilarating. i would forget kat, my friends, my family and all the drama i left behind. i had no reason to not focus on my studies. i locked my car and headed into the main dormitory building to get my key for my room so i could start unpacking. it was bright and i had forgotten my sunglasses. i slammed into someone, someone small and familiar. i was immediately blown away. firstly because i had knocked into her pretty hard, and secondly because i was sure that was the most amount of body contact i had had with her.
"im so sorry! let me help you up there- kat? what are you doing here?"
i held my hand ou to offer her help but she ignored it.
"will. what are you doing here?"
"college. i didnt know you were attending too. im sorry for bowling you over there." and she stormed off with amelia, who gave me an apologetic wave.
great, so much for fresh starts. the dull throb that had been eating away at me returned. i shuddered and went back to my room to try and forget about her altogether.

two weeks into the semester, i was having a great time. my classes were good, i had made a few friends, we went to parties together and we had fun together. i hadnt seen kat since the first day and it was becoming easier to shrug her from ym mind whenever i caught myself thinking about her. my friends were playing at a party tonight, so we were all going to go. it was still the middle of the afternoon so i went for a walk. i figured it was a saturday afternoon and it was still warm and sunny, so the homework study thing could wait until later. i pulled on some gym clothes and warmed up to go for a run. there werent a lot of hills around here, so i wasnt able to get the usual ache in my calves, but i still enjoyed running as a release.
after forty minutes of running, i slowed to a walk. my head was clear and my breathing was heavy as i caught ym breath. i thought of the shade of the oak trees behind the buidlings and headed that way, hoping to do a bit more running once i had cooled off. i grabbed a drink on my way through ans jogged around the fence line, trying to stay out of the scorching sun. i had reached the trees, and i stayed along this side of the boundaries where the stream lay. it was pleasant here, the cool breeze offering a comfortable setting for a picnic. it was nearing sunset and i headed up to the dorm to shower and change. i grabbed an apple and a knife, and, copying kats technique, sliced of pieces and fed them straight into my mouth. i walked as i ate, and it was now dark outside. i headed back to the stream, and the lights from the buildings flooded the lawn with light, casting an odd glow upon the grass that had been so bright green several hours earlier. i ambled to the stream and when i moved i saw a small figure on the ground across it. worried, i hurried towards it. when i got close enough to realise who it was i ran to her, desperately hoping she wasnt dead. i touched her hair softly, my hands trembling.
"kat, kat, wake up, you fell asleep. its dark now."
"i dont want to move jack. wake me later." i scowled. i hated her calling my jack.
"its not jack."
"wheres the letter?"
"this?" i reached and picked the book up to hand to her. she snatched it off me and cradled it.
"you didnt-"
"of course not." did she think i was some kind of pervert?
"good." she stood up and walked off towards the dorms, checking her watch.
"oh god im late!" and she broke into a run. she ran so funny, like she hadnt done it before.
"wait kat. its dark, let me walk you." i caught up to her easily.
"go away, i dont need help walking."
nevertheless i walked quietly beside her all the way up the grassy slope and up to her room too. she was frantic as she walked in, clearly worried about being so late.
"... i just drifted off, i had no idea it was so late! im so sorry!"
"thats ok kat. we arent ready yet anyway. calm down," said her roommate. she was slim and blonde, her hair down to her waist. she looked like the kind of person kat would never ever hang out with in a million years.
"can you give me ten minutes to get ready?" she asked, her breathing still heavy.
"of course!" and she sped down the hallway towards the showers. in a few steps i was level with her and spun her around to talk to me.
"why cant you stay away from me?" she hissed.
"a simple thank you would have sufficed."
"i didnt ask for your help."
"well i wasnt going to just leave you sleeping there all night. what if someone else had found you? huh?" i shuddered inwardly at the first sight i had seen before i was close enought to tell.
"i said, i dont need your help. now stay away from me." and she stalked off to have a shower. i left, once again deadened by the weight that my love for kat placed upon my shoulders. i headed back to my dorm and showered again, as though i could wash kat from me. her hair beneath my fingers, her thin arm in my hand as i stopped her to talk to me. her bright blue eyes drilling holes into my skull. i got out and changed in my room. it was nearly nine, and the party was probably in the swing of it by now. i pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt, and headed to the building where it was being held. i never bothered with my hair anymore, there was no point. it did what it liked, and the only person i wanted to look good for didnt even see me. i got inside and found my friends. they took a break with me and we had a drink. it wasnt until one of them pointed her out that i realised kat was here too.
"hey check her out!"
as a reflex i turned around and followed his gaze. it was kat. oh god. she looked so perfect too. the boys went up on stage again to keep playing and tried to figure out whether i should turn and leave or hope she didnt see me. i rushed to the side, deciding on the latter, and kept my gaze on her all night. she was drinking punch and dancing with everyone else in the room and she just looked so free. she threw her arms in the air and grinned, not noticing she had spilt her drink all over the people next to her. while she was on the dance floor i took a chance and went to get myself some punch. it was strongly spiked with vodka, but i finished it anyway. i filled up again and was about to walk away when her room mate saw me. kat turned around and saw me too and i filled with dread. i was here first.
"youre not a cute boy."
well that was a little blunt, even for kat.
"thanks. look, im sorry, ill go. i didnt know you were coming. would have stayed away if i had known."
"no, stay! lissie thinks youre cute, you should ask her out!" she grabbed me and dragged me to her friend.
"to lissie and will- willissie!- may you have a wonderful life together. happy anniversary!!!" she flung her cup around again, drinking and refilling. she made her way to the dance floor and i grabbed her. up close it more noticable- she was incredibly drunk.
"jack! no i wanna dance jack, let me inside!"
"im. not. jack. for the last time kat, im not your jack. you hate me remember." my voice came out harsh and bitter- exactly the way i felt.
"you sound tense. you should have a drink! wheres your girlfriend? shes so pretty, is lissie. you should kiss her you should."
i was sick of this.
"sure kat. whatever." i sat her down on a bench so she could sober up a bit in the cool night air before i dragged her back to her room. if i could remember where it was.
"why do you follow me everywhere will?"
"you dont want to know. i dont follow you either kat, we just turn up at the same places. similar interests, it would seem." unfortunately her main interest was in a dead guy that i apparently was no match for.
"whyyousosad?" her speech was slurred but i cold tell what she was saying still. when i replied i didnt care what i said. she wouldnt even remember in the morning.
"because i can never have the one thing i want. anyway, lets get you home to bed. its nearly one."i tossed her arm over my shoulder and carried her back to her room.
"amelya! i want amelya. phone her formejackplease?"
jack again. whatever. "sure kat."i dropped her on her bed, thinking moodily if i wasnt a good guy this would be the perfect opportunity. i slid her phone out of her pocket and dialled amelias number, regreting it instantly as the time glowed on her alarm clock. nearly one."amelia? kat says she wants to talk to you." as i handed her the phone she dropped it, and i held it to her ear until she was co-ordinated enough to hold it on her own.
"amelyaimishyouuu!"
"wills here! didjouknowtha?"
her face fell and she handed me the phone, dropping it again.
"she said she wanted to talk to you. i couldnt convince her otherwise. im sorry to wake you up."
"thats ok. look, keep an eye on her? she, um, tends to drink for all the wrong reasons. i wont go into detail right now, but keep her away from alcohol if you can, and dont leave her side. put her to bed, and stay with her ok? ill call tomorrow."
"ok, no problem, talk to you tomorrow amelia." and i hung up bleakly. kat was lying back in an awkward position, looking at the lights. i stood up and straightened her out, covered her with blankets, turned the lamp on and, by the time i turned out the ceiling light, kat was asleep, snoring silently. i leaned up against the side of her bed and thought over and over about a way out of my situation. at this point i realised i wasnt going to get away from her here. it was too much effort to hide in bushes when i really wanted to see her. even when she was screaming at me or calling me jack, i was still counting my blessings she was near me or talking to me. so i would corner her some time and make her understand that we could maybe try and be friends. it would be heard, but at least then i would be close to her and talk to her more often.

it was going well until she set me up with lissie, her room mate. when kat asked me what i thought of her, i was honest. she was beautiful and definitely out of my league, but next to kat she looked like just another girl. and when she came into the library in place of kat, my heart sunk. when she asked me out, i agreed, because she had plucked up enough courage to ask me out, she was sweet, and if it made kat jealous enough to want me then i would try it. don get me wrong, i wasnt trying to use lissie, but i was still in love with kat. she just wasnt easy to forget.
i walked lissie home after we finished in the library, and i hugged her. she really was stunning, so i thought i might take my chances, i bowed my head to give her a quick kiss on the lips, and when i pulled my head away, her face had gone pink, and she pulled me closer to her. we staggered into her room and i dropped my books on the floor and we broke apart for a second to pull my bag off. her arms were around my neck and mine wereon her face and waist. we sat on the bed next to eachother, twisting our bodies so our lips could remain together. when we paused to catch a breath, i apologised.
"i didnt mean for this to happen you know."
"nor did i," and she kissed me again, her lips tasting like strawberry chapstick and smooth against mine. she pulled me down on top of her and her hands moved to my back, pulling my entire body to hers. i didnt even hear the door open, just kat announcing herself.
"lissie, i got popcorn, its movie night!"
lissie and i pulled apart, just in time to see kat rushing out again. lissies phone went off a minute later, but we ignored it as she flipped me over and perched herself on me, kissing me slower now. she was incredible, and kats entrance had long since left my mind. her hands traced over my face gently as she kissed me, her tongue tracing the inside of my lips, biting my lower lip gently. she was amazing at this, and i didnt want to stop. it was her who pulled away first.
"im sorry, i feel bad leaving kat outside. shall we meet up again tomorrow?"
"definitely," i said, sounding rather breathless. i straighted my shirt out and grabbed my things, planting a kiss on lissies foreheard before i left. my heart was soaring. sure, she wasnt kat, but there was no chance for me there. it was best for me to try and move on.
when i got back to my dorm i told my room mate i had got a girlfriend.
"thats great! im out at my girls most of the time, so have her over here if you want. she doesnt live on campus so we get a room to ourselves." he winked at me, grabbed his bag and left.
i took advantage of his offer, and i texted lissie and told her. we didnt stop texting until 3am. which was fine by me. we spent our dates out talking and getting to know eachother, and when we got back to my dorm, our mouths were far too busy to bother talking. i took to keeping a bottle of water by my bed, and, though it seemed presumptuous, i bought a box of condoms to keep in my bedside drawer, just in case. i didnt show lissie, but i figured if we decided to go for it, i wouldnt be keen to go out and get some more then and there.
i saw kat less and less, which was fine by me. i really liked lissie, and the more i got to know her, the less i thought about kat. we spent hours lying on my bed, kissing, and then teasing one another in turn. she would remove my shirt and kiss all over my chest, down to my stomach and then... stop. it drove me insane with want, and i would then gather her up and hold her down while she giggled beneath me, and i would tease her right back, kissing her neck and ears as she shuddered with delight, then down her body, down the seam of her bra, and down to the button of her jeans. she would try and hold my head down there, but i pushed upwards and we set off again, kissing passionately, our warm bodies moving smoothly together. like became lust very quickly, and i had to fight not to tell her i loved her. i was scared it would scare her away, and i also knew we were crazy about eachother. i just wasnt sure it was love quite yet.