Reckless (Part Eighteen)

i awoke to cool hands on my face. it was dark, and i felt like i had a boulder sitting on my head. i opened my eyes slightly, and through the fuzziness, i made out brown messy hair and brown eyes. my brain didnt register the lack of his scent, or that his hands were cold instead of the constant toasty warm. all i registered was that jack was here, helping me back from nearly dead. or at least, thats what it felt like.
i sighed, letting the rise and fall of my chest remind me that i was here.
i smiled, showing jack i was grateful as ever.
i slept, dreaming of memories.

when i woke in the morning, the boulder was still crushing my head.
thin splints of sunlight spilt into the room, lighting it slowly.
and there were people all over the floor.
i sat up- very very slowly- and tried to work out who they were. i could identify a couple of lissies friends passed out in not-so-attractive sprawls, huddling under spare blankets and using stuffed animals as pillows. and next to my bed was will. he had no blankets or pillows. in fact, he had fallen asleep sitting with his back against my bed. his eyelids were a deep purple, and his hair was sticking up at odd angles. his mouth was open slightly in a very vulnerable way. i smiled to myself, before remembering he had dragged me up here and- i ripped the bed covers back- apparently he had seen it more gentlemanly to leave my in my clothes. but still. god only knows what he had done to me while i had been sleeping. my sleeves of my cardi were uneven, but i couldnt tell if it was from sleeping or he had slipped them up and inspected them or not.
i didnt want to risk waking anyone up, so i grabbed a towel and a random assortment of clothes and slunk off to the bathrooms to shower away the shame and guilt of last night.
the hot water poured down over my body and i closed my eyes, imagining if jack hadnt died. we probably would have done this, later on. we never even got to have sex, and now i never wanted to. if it couldnt be with jack, i didnt want it with anyone. not that we hadnt come close- frighteningly close- but now it was never going to happen. i was only ever going to take solo showers, cuddle my pillow in bed, and miss jack absolutely every day. it was so hard maintaining this person i had become. i wanted to do it, but it was hard not to resort back to my old ways. i often went on long walks just to think about jack and be able to let my guard down. but i was doing well. my classes were challenging, some of them downright difficult, but the subjects were so interesting that i actually wanted to study. from learning basics we were now being taught how the world worked, how the mind worked. it was fascinating.
after my shower, feeling slightly better but for a grumble in my stomach, i made my way quietly down the hall again. it was a sunday morning, so everyone was making the most of sleeping in, some until the afternoon. it was still faily early, so i stashed my clothes from last night in my dorm and headed downstairs for some breakfast. i grabbed my cellphone and jacks journal to take with me. i didnt trust so many people in my room without me there. especially will.
i didnt undertstand why he always got so mad if i accidentally called him jack. if anything it was a compliment. it wasnt my fault he looked so much like him, or he caught me when i was daydreaming of my dead best friend and boyfriend. i settled myself down at a table, with coffee and a big pile of hot toast, and opened the diary at the start. there were no photos for quite a few of the earlier entries- there was no way i was letting him take pictures of me then. but i marveled at how much i had changed. i had always noticed how jack had changed, the subtle filling out process, the deepening of his voice, growing into his height. i always imagined i had stayed the same. but looking back at four years of pictures, i saw the difference so clearly. i had started out a tiny bony thing, with spindly legs and arms that looked as though they would snap with the lightest of pressure. and jack wanted to teach me to skate? my hair seemed too wild for my tiny body, dwarfing my face and sallowing out my skin. the clothes i wore didnt help. i found one picture of my covering my eyes- my arms were completely scar free. it was weird looking at them like that. they didnt seem like my arms. mine were made of memories. all bad, but all shared with jack. as i grew older, i had filled out a bit. not fatter, but more in control of my extremeties. the contrast from aged 14 to age 18 was spectacular.
i chewed my toast and stared into space, creating a slideshow of those long four years that had eneded so quickly. there were too many memories, too many little things to remember to cram them all into a daydream.
i heard footsteps, so i hurriedly close the journal, making sure no photos would fall out if i were to pick it up. i busied myself with my coffee, and out of the corner of my eye i saw will approaching me. i kept my eyes down, averted from his.
he sat down opposite me, and i studied a piece of toast.
"morning, kat." his voice was low and strained, but i resisted the urge to look up and said nothing.
"ok, so why did you do it? why did you get so drunk you couldnt even stand up? is it really that bad? is it too hard? college is hard, but you can get tutors you know kat. dont drink to make it easier."
ok, no i had to look up. his eyes were filled with resentment, and burned into mine.
"you think i think its because of college? thats why i drank so much? oh no. my best friend died. my boyfriend died. he left me here to do all this on my own, and all i have is this stupid journal of him telling me how much he loved me. he still hasnt told me how he died! i could flick through and find it, but then what would i do? then i would have no more jack. this is all i have, and i dont have it for much longer. so excuse me if i want to drink avery now and then to remind myself of some good times i had with him in ways other than this damn letter!" i threw down my toast and gathered up the book and ran. i headed for the door to outside and ran from him. i hid myself over the bridges and decided to climb a tree. a lot harder to find me up there. i squashed the book into the pocket of my jacket and began to climb clumsily. i had never done this before, but soon enough i was high enough up the tree to not be seen from below.
it wasnt quite as ideal as lying on the grass, but at least i wouldnt be found up here. i could see will through the leaves looking for me, but i made no attempt to move or get down.
"kat! come on kat, lets just talk, please? i didnt mean to offend you or insult his memory. please come out?"
he left after a little while, and i turned to watch him disappear back up the the dormitories before i began climbing down. i muttered to myself about boys being insensitive and immature all the way down. on my descent i didnt notice much except for the co-ordination of my arms and legs. so when i heard a voice, i lost my footing and fell.
"just drop down, ill catch you."
and i did, but not intentionally. i fell into his outstretched arms and then he fell over, not as prepared as he thought to catch my weight. i scrambled to my feet and stalked off.
"what, no thankyou?" he called to my back.
"thanks, next time i need a bruise or two, ill call you."
"what is your problem!? everytime i try and do something nice, you throw it in my face. get a grip kat."
"my problem, will, is that everytime i see you, im reminded of jack, and the fact that the one time i let anyone so close, he dies. so unless you feel like dying, stay away from me."
"i cant."
"im not magnetised. im sure you will manage."
"but you are. i find it impossible to be away from you kat. i know you dont want a boyfriend, and you dont even want a friend, but could you at least treat me as an accquaintance or something? instead of the reincarnation of your dead boyfriend?"
i turned around to look at him. he was standing upright, stock still, but when i saw his eyes, he was on his knees, desperate and tortured.
"i dont know how." my voice came out quiet.
he rushed forwards, seizing his chance. "you dont have to do anything. just dont be so mean. i can help you study if you want? we can go to the library now. we would barely have to speak."
"as long as you dont try and help my with my math homework."
"deal. i suck at math."
"let me go get some books and i will meet you in the library soon." i walked away so his grin wouldnt make me want to punch him in the face.
back in my room, lissie had left me a note.
hey kat, we've gone out, hope youre ok, will stayed to look after you last night. see you later tonight
i grabbed my half written english paper and a pile of books to take to the library, and changed into something that hadnt fallen from a tree with me.
i walked down to the library, stopping by the cafeteria on the way to grab an apple. i walked slowly, not really caring at all if he was waiting for me. he could wait. i ate my fruit and when i stopped outside the large white building, he was sitting outside patiently. when he saw me he jumped to his feet and hurried towards me.
"kat! im glad you could make it."
"i saw you ten minutes ago agreeing to it, why wouldnt i be here?"
he looked at me disapprovingly, and i sighed. "lets just go inside please?"
i chose a table at the back, hidden behind lots of book shelves. i knew he thought it was so we could have some privacy, but i just didnt want anyone to assume we were together. i set up my books and essay, and trying ym hardest to be nice, i asked him what he had brough to do.
"english essay. 2000 words on how shakespeare has sculpted the education system of the persent day. snore. what about you?"
"poetry. citing at least six poems, with correct referencing, find a recurring theme over the last four decades and how you think the future of poetry is headed. 2500 words. lets get to work then." it wasnt that hard being nice. it was easier when we had something strong to talk about, instead of squabbling.
i set to work, picking up where i left off. we worked quietly for about an hour, occasionally asking for a word we couldnt think of, or examples, but not really talking. he was a good study partner, and when we left after two hours i was nearly done.
"thanks for giving this a go kat. really, it means a lot to me."
"sure thing. youre a good study partner."
"really?"
"ok i dont want this to sound bitchy, so dont take it the wrong way, but stop hanging from my every word. its not going to happen between us ok?"
"not even in time?"
"no. just act normal, please. it makes it so uncomfortable to be around you when youre looking at me like the sun shines out my ass."
"haha. ok i can do that. anyway ill see you round kat."
"bye will."
i got back up to my room and finished my essay quickly, then tidied the room. there were blankets strewn across the floor, and some plastic cups. i folded the bedding and put it back in the closet, and swept the floor under the rugs. i opened the window and sprayed a little bit of air freshener. i tidied my desk as well, sorting books from notes and papers that were due. i wrote up new assignments and study sessions on my wall planner, and quickly straightened the covers on lissies bed, just to even out the room a little. she walked in as i was sitting on my bed doodling.
"hey kat, wow, thanks for tidying up in here, i was going to do it when i came in, but thanks! how are you feeling?" she was smiling at me, so i loosened up a bit. i was scared she wouldnt want me touching her things, and was relieved when she didnt say anything.
"im fine, i got up early, had breakfast, went for a walk, finished my essay and cleaned. what did you get up to?"
"oh god youre good! i slept in, took care of ellie who was throwing up by the time we got downstairs, hung out at her common room for a while and went to the gym for a bit too. just walking, i couldnt handle a run right now."
we sat talking for a little while, gossiping about the party of the night previous, and after spouting all the random hook-up her friends had had, she finally got to the point. "so will huh? are you guys dating? or just friends? because i think he loves you!"
"we arent dating. i dont really even like him very much if im honest. but i was grateful he took care of me last night. and he makes a good study partner."
"hes really cute. you wouldnt mind if i asked him out would you?"
"no of course not, i think you guys could be good together! do you want me to ask him?"
"oh no, no no no, but maybe just ask him if he thinks im pretty or anything? just to let me know hat angle to take, you know."
"of course. we are meeting in the library tomorrow, ill talk to him then, and text you you to come down if i get a positive response ok? ill tactfully leave you alone, and you can do it."
"oh thanks kat! youre a good friend." and she came and sat next to me, hugging me. it was an odd sensation, but not a bad one.
"lets go down for dinner lissie. im starving."

none of lissies friends joined us for dinner, so i had a chance to get to know her better.
"ive been a good student my whole life. my group of friends were the nice smart ones. our parents were all friends, we didnt have a lot of drama, few of us had boyfriends, if we drank we usually did it so our parents knew, so it wasnt ever much. they wanted me to go to a college a lot closer, but i figured at age 18 i needed some real life experience. so i got away, and decided to try everything i could. really get a taste for life outside my parents and their control. thats why im patrying so much. ive never really done it before, let alone with strangers. its all so new, and i want to make the most of it. what about you? do you mind talking about your life before college?"
"youre pretty intuitive you know that? do never ask me how i am, you ask me what ive been up to that day or something more indirect. let me ask you a question- have you ever met someone with depression?"
"well, no. but i can usually tell when people are upset, and i figured the best way is to ask them about other things, get their minds off it, and if they want to talk to me, im here."
"ive had depression for about six years now."
"really?"
"you couldnt tell?"
"no, i mean i knew you kept to yourself a lot, and something traumatic happened to you recently, but i figured you were just shy." she blushed a little.
"well, if we are going to be sharing a room, if we are going to be friends, you should know some things. i wont tell you the lot, but a brief overview, ok? tell me if you have questions, if i can answer them i will. ive never done this before. the whole telling people stuff. they tend to just figure it out over time."
"you dont have to tell me kat, i respect you for trying, but if its too hard, i can work with that-"
"i want to. i trust you. ok, four years ago, i met this guy jack. he made it his mission to be the only person to be there for me. he was my best friend. i was really depressed, but after a while, because jack was there, i started getting a bit better. when i did, i realised i had feelings for him. and then i told him, and he felt the same. we were together for maybe six months before he died, and i still dont know why. he died at the start of the summer, and left me that journal you always see me with. i read it a little bit at a time, and i know somewhere in it he will tell me why he had to leave me."
"wow kat. i dont know what to say."
"you dont have so be sorry, or upset, or try and help. i just thought it might make it a bit easier if you knew a little bit about me. and trust me, thats not even the half of it."
"well kat im glad you told me, and im sorta proud you chose to tell me. thankyou." and she leaned over and hugged me again.
i had been nervous about telling lissie, but it felt ok. there was a little glow inside me.

the next day after my morning lecture, i walked to the library and met will. he looked so happy.
"hey will. why so happy?"
"nothing. just happy. how are you?"
"im ok. oh hey, before we go in, i have a little question. you know my roomate lissie?"
"the blonde one from saturday night?"
"yeah. what do you think?"
"what do you mean?"
"like, you think shes pretty? funny, nice, smart...?"
"i think shes gorgeous. way out of my league, but i dont know her all that well. she seemed nice. why, do you not like her?"
"oh no, i was just wondering is all. lets go now, i got a new assignment today and its doing my head in."
we had been in the library about 45 minutes; i was studying history dates with flash cards and will was making some for his geography class. i had texted lissie a couple of minutes ago, asking her to come and ask him out.
"look at the mess we made!" i pointed at all the scraps of paper lying on the table and started cleaning them away. "just making some more space is all, ill be back in a seocnd."
and i darted away to the rubbish bin.
when i came back, will was silently testing himself with a thick handful of flashcards. i told him to make them all in different formats- some with the answer, some with a question and the right question or answer on the back.
"god hes so cute."
i jumped. lissie had whispered in my ear and i went and sat down. lissie waited a minute, then came and said hello.
"oh lissie! hey, you remember will from saturday? come, sit! i have to go anyway, keep will company for me? i might be back later. thanks will, ill see you both later!" and i swept out of the library, leaving lissie to ask will out. while i wanted them together, i hoped he wouldnt say no because of his obsession for me. more so, i hoped lissie wouldnt get angry at me for it if that were the case.
but i got a text message half an hour later from lissie- a simple 'YESSSSSS!!!!!!' i smiled to myself and continued flipping flash cards with dates and names and places on them. i loved flashcards. they were brightly coloured card, all with different colour pens. i had huge stashes of them piled into subject catergories, but i was getting a little low on card. i grabbed my bag and headed out to the stationer to buy some more.

i love stationery. new pens and books and paper and floders excites me. i always colour theme each subject. it makes it more organised. i bought three packs of card and some new felt tip pens and went back home again, picking up some popcorn from the store on the way.
i burst into the room, brandishing the popcorn and declaring it movie night. what i failed to notice before i made myself known was will and lissie on her bed, making out.
i backed out and headed outside. i sent lissie a text- sorry! text me when its safe- kat x

my purchases were stashed in my bag. i had no idea what to do. it was nearing sundown, and i didnt want to walk too far from the building. i stopped by the cafeteria to see what was for dinner, took a couple of pictures of the slowly setting sun, and then gave up, sitting on a bench inside the buiding by the lifts. bored, i plugged my ipod in and flicked through a few songs. i checked my phone and saw lissie had replied- sorry kat, its all clear now x
i smiled, and headed upstairs.
"im so sorry! he insisted on walking me home and then yeah. im sorry kat, it wont happen again!"
i grinned at her. "i wouldnt promise that love. so i take it it went well?"
"oh my god. so hen you left it was a bit awkward, but then we got talking about the party, and how i had pointed out hin behind you, and he was all like 'so you think im cute?' and it was embarrassing but i just asked him straight out and he looked so confused. he was like 'did kat put you up to this?' and of course i said no. then he agreed, and we are going to go out for pizza tomorrow night. thankyou so much! i wouldnt have had the guts to ask him if you hadnt asked first!"
"its no problem, im happy i could be of service. i do just want to clear one little thing-"
"ooh what should i wear? will you help me choose kat? im so nervous!"
"sure, can i juat tell you somehting first?"
"sure, whats up?"
"ok, i dont want to burst your bubble, but i think you should know anyway. a while ago he had a little thing for me. hes obviously over it now, but i thought you should know ok? i dont like him, god no, jacks the one for me. i just wanted you to know as much as possible."
she paused for a second, a pile of clothes already discarded at her feet. "thanks for telling me. now come and help me!" i laughed and went to help her sort her outfit out.