JACK
it had been a couple of months since the dance, and things were going well. ok, better than well, but there was still one tiny thing always at the back of my mind. i did my best to ignore it and push it out of the way, but it was permanently stitched there. it was like an itch i couldnt scratch.
truth is, i knew i would have to tell her. and soon. secrets werent good for relationships.
amelia had tried talking to me about it one night. kat had gone to be early, and i was up watching tv with my mother.
"does kat know yet?"
"know wha-? oh. no."
"if you dont tell her soon, its going to kill her when she finds out. you know that dont you?"
i scowled. of course i knew. i was just terrified that telling her would kill her too.
KAT
i know it looks like a dramatic transformation, but it isnt. its like all the shit that i was feeling before has been taken away to a different room, as opposed to diagnosed and cured. theres too much stuff in my head thats much better and more exciting to worry about how much i dont want to be here, because suddenly, i do want to be here. with jack. dont get me wrong, i dont think im fine, its more like ive been distracted well enough and long enough that i keep forgetting. which is good. i think. its always been my way to try and ignore the bad stuff, which was everything before, but now it seems to be doing the trick better than anything ive tried before. so why not go with what works? its certainly not harming anyone. at least not right now. heres hoping it stays that way.
JACK
hurting kat wasnt on my agenda. why would it be? i loved her. i was the only one who wanted to make her safe, except my mother. i needed to protect her. but what happened when protecting her and hurting her were the same thing? i knew that by doing one, i would also be doing the other. but i had no choice.
KAT
ive changed. im now one of those people i hate. theyre in their own little loved up bubble and they forget everything that isnt them or their significant other. everything has a nice warm fuzzy take on it, and all the worlds problems are resolved because they are happy. thats now me and jack. i disgust myself, but i dont want it to change because its nice. i smiled for no reason and i bounced. i bounced. love is disgusting.
AMELIA
the worst feeling in the world is happiness plagued by worry. you can see so many reasons to smile and be happy with whats in front of you, but one tiny little complication has to throw a spanner in the works and ruin everything for you. the thing is, the worry wasnt even mine. well, it was. just not the part i was focusing on the most.
yes, i realise its garbled nonsense.
jacks not telling kat something important, something im not allowed to interfere with.
i should be worried more about jack, but that worry has been there for so many years, its no longer at the forefront of my mind all the time. my main worry now was what would happen to kat when she found out. because she was going to find out, it was inevitable. whether jack told her or not, she would find out. and by not telling her now, he was betraying her, making the whole situation worse. but i was sworn to secrecy.
KAT
the day jack died, we all did.
it was two months after the end of high school. we had graduated, he with flying colours.
we had graduation.
and then we spent all day and all night doing what we wanted.
then he died.
i was called to the hospital, and automatically wondered that, if it wasnt me, then who could it be?
walking into a sterile white room and seeing jack white and still scared the wits out of me. i was standing next to amelia and we both stood there, stock still and whiter than jack. i had no idea how long we stood there, but we both jumped when the mortician came in.
"im sure the doctor explained what happened. im so sorry. is there anything else i can do for you?"
"my mouth worked, but i couldnt get anything out. i didnt know why i wasnt crying. or maybe i was? i couldnt feel anything. why was jack dead? why did amelia not seem as surprised as me? jack was 18, he wasnt supposed to drop dead suddenly like this. it was me. im supposed to die, not him. he had a future, a scholarship and me. how dare he leave me like this?
the mortician left, and we sat numbly on hard plastic chairs.
"what happened?" stared at the floor as i spoke.
"kat, theres something you have to know before i tell you anything. when you came into our lives, i knew he had to tell you. but he didnt, because you needed more help than he did. for years, i tried constantly to tell you but jack told me not to, it was his burden. he wrote you this letter, explaining everything."
and she handed me a huge fat book, the pages thin and crumpled in places.
i looked up at her as i took it and i could tell in that instant that she was as devastated as me.
i felt my scars throb and burn as i felt the intense guilt of being a burden for so many years.
the book was huge and thick and the tears rolling down my face in a steady downpour were the same. i wasnt sure if i wanted to read it non-stop until it was finished, or throw it at him or burn it or save it for a rainy day. it hung from my hand and i turned to say goodbye to jack privately for the last time. amelia left me alone in the cold white and silver room with my jack.
it was silent for a while as i paced around the room. jack lay on his metal gurney, eyes closed and barely breathing. no, he wasnt breathing at all. he wasnt asleep. this was for real. i dropped the book and carefully held jack. he was so stiff. i kissed his face gently and held his hand.
"i love you jack, but i hate you so much for leaving me. i wasnt allowed to leave you but you left me. how am i supposed to do this alone? ill never forgive you for this. never. you knew and you didnt tell me. for four years, you knew you were going to die on me and you never said a word. i hate you jack, and i love you. see you at your funeral."
and then i left.
JACK, AGE 14
ENTRY ONE
kat, i just met you, but i know we will be best friends soon. i know i probably cant help you, but you have to understand its all i want to do. so please let me at least try. i dont know when youre going to read this. hopefully you dont have to though, i hope i have the guts to tell you everything. just, maybe not now.
first, there are some things you should know, things i cant tell you to your face.
i think you are beautiful. i know you think im nuts for thinking this but i dont care. you are, even when youve been crying for hours. and as this first entry, ill leave it here.
KAT
it was pouring with rain on the day i started reading. i sat on jacks bed, wearing all his clothes and read while the rain slid down the house. i didnt read much. it was the day of jacks funeral and i had decided i didnt want to go. i didnt want to be around people who didnt know jack, or who didnt really care enough to spend time with him when he was alive. fake people, and the real people too, wouldnt be able to look amelia and me in the eye. it would be awkward and embarrassing and far, far too sad to bear.
amelia and i werent talking much. we werent really not talking, we just werent communicating. we grunted and nodded at times, but talking about what had happened was not necessary. we milled around the increasingly dirty house and ignored what had happened. we werent ignoring jack, it just hurt too much to talk about the fact that he wouldnt walk through the front door, noisily drop his skateboard, kick off his shoes and ask for food again.
amelia knocked on the door. she was wearing a black tailored dress, stockings a coat and plain black shoes. she was going to the funeral.
"you coming?" she asked. her voice was flat and croaky from lack of use.
i thought about it for a moment.
"if it were me, would jack have gone?"
i watched as her eyes misted over. i wouldnt blame her; i could tell she was imagining me dead instead of her baby boy.
"no. no, i dont think he would. but youre not him. in six months time, in six years time, are you going to look back and wish you had gone? you can always leave if its too terrible."
it was the most either of us had spoken since we heard the news and it sounded strange. we had both become accustomed to our own thoughts and the shuffling of our feet. i shook my head, not an answer, more to refocus.
"ok then."
i didnt bother wearing fancy clothes. this was jacks funeral, and i was going to wear what jack would have worn if it was my funeral. i pulled on an old torn pair of jeans and jacks oldest hoodie. the smell of him made everything foggy. i closed my eyes and whispered to him as the tears returned. "why jack? you can tell it to a book but not to me? if you couldnt tell me, what was the point in all of this? i thought you said you were going to be honest, but all you did was lie. i dont care that you did it to protect me, i just care that for four years you lied to me. everytime i asked how you were and you said you were fine or good or ok, you lied to my face. even when i was close to death, i still told you how i was, even if i thought it might scare you or hurt you. and now youre dead and ill never hear you tell me the truth or scream at you until im blue in the face. i just wish you were here."
then i pulled on some chucks and left with amelia.
JACK, AGE 14
ENTRY TWO
so today was the second time we met, and it was so amazing. we just sat at the park again, but i told you all about me. most of it anyway. im not sure why i cant tell you, in person or even in these silly journal entries. i can tell though, because you cant tell me anything, that what you have to say is a lot to handle. but i can handle it. unfortunately, its been three days and already i know you cant handle what i have to tell you. its not that i dont want to tell you, its more that if i tell you you might run away and i dont know if i can handle that.
i hate this. because its been three days since we first met and already i know im in love with you. i hope you dont read this for a while now. because that sounds just stupid. or better yet, i hope you never read it. i want to say that to your face. i want to watch your face as i tell you im in love with you, because i want to be able to see if you love me too. you wont now, itll be far too soon for you to open up enough to trust me, let alone love me. but one day i hope to be able to look into your eyes and tell you youre the only one i want to be with. and that youll say the same to me.
AMELIA
i dont even remember the days and weeks after jacks death. i know i was fairly blank, but it is as though my memory wont let me revisit it, which i am thankful for. i had hoped kat would be the same, but her eyes were so wide all the time, i knew the shock of it wasnt going away. we werent really talking, but i knew there was more going on in there than just missing jack. i didnt even want to ask.
i had now lost the two men in my life, the ones i loved most, and all i had left was kat. i didnt know how she felt about the situation. we were still living together, but i could feel her tiptoe around as though she felt she didnt belong there without jack. it was easy to see she didnt know whether to stay or go, but i knew i wanted her to stay. i loved her more than her own parents, and this was her home. i didnt want her to be away from me, or from all of jacks things, away from his memory. this was her home as much as it was mine. while we didnt talk, it was comforting knowing she was in the next bedroom. a teenager in jacks bed was the closest thing i would ever have to another jack.
KAT
i didnt dare bring up the living situation with amelia. it was now a few days since the funeral and it felt like the days since jack had gone were racing by, and i was desperately grasping onto memories as though the more time that went by the fewer memories i could squash into my brain. i wished, as i contined reading jacks diary, that i had done the same. all of our time spent together was documented in an entry. and each entry seemed so very jack, as though he was sitting next to me, writing as i read.
the funeral was terrible. i didnt leave, but staying was so horrifying, i had tried to block it from my mind. we all stood around his coffin and amelia and i were the only ones truly devastated by his not-alive presence. our tears told everyone who thought to try and say something to us to turn around and walk away. neither of us said anything, but we listened to many other people talking about a person who sounded vaguely like jack, but still so very bland, as though they were talking about teenage boys who died young and left so many people behind. i screamed insults in my head, but they remained in my head, along with all the other words i was caging inside myself.
the house was disgusting. there were pizza boxes and noodle boxes and cupss littering the surface of anything that was higher than the ground and a disticnt smell emanating from every room. we showered so frequently we couldnt stand to be in the same room as eachother at times. we had run out of everything- not just milk bread and eggs, but sugar and coffee and teabags and deodorant and shampoo and probably anything else you care to name. we ate rarely and never cleaned. it wasnt until my parents showed up that we realised just how filthy we were.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Reckless (Part Twelve)
KAT
we left the dance, running for the car. it was hard to run in a strapless dress and not have it fall down, and it was even harder when jack grabbed one of my hands. i knew i was slowing us down, but it was just too cold. then he picked me up.
"no! jack put me down, put me down!"
he didnt put me down, but we were moving a lot faster now. we were at the car within minutes, and we buckled up and zoomed off.
i was terrified. what was going to happen? i had just had my first kiss, but i still didnt know anything about this sort of thing. i wasnt ready, that much i knew for sure, but i wanted to make jack happy. what would that take?
after the fastest drive home ever, i bolted from the car and ran to the front door, jack following close behind. i needed him back.
he ushered me upstairs while he talked to amelia. i ran up there, nervous beyond compare. i smoothed my hair and wiped off my lipgloss and smelt my breath and then he was there again. he shut the door and charged towards me with such force that i might have fallen over had his arms not been behind my back already. his mouth found mine and thats where it stayed. i threw off his jacket and managed to pull my stockings off with one hand. unable to stand on our shaking legs any longer, we fell back onto the bed. jack was on top of me and i could smell him. he smelt like the deodorant me and amelia had picked out, and clean from a shower, and sweat. it wasnt a bad smell, it just made it more like jack. i breathed it in and nearly passed out.
my arms were in knots around his neck and back and our legs were tangled together too.
my hands found his collar and pulled him closer still. i felt a button move under my finger and prised it open hesitantly. jack didnt seem to mind, or even notice. i opened another, and another. i didnt want to take it off completely, in case his back got cold, but the heat from his chest warmed mine.
some time later, we broke apart. jack grabbed the water bottle and drank deeply before handing it to me. i sipped it and then threw it on the floor, keen to get back to my boyfriend. it sounded so weird. boyfriend was so casual. i hated the way the word sounded.
i felt it was important to reiterate the words i had said earlier. i looked him straight on and just said it. "i love you jack."
his face looked so disbelieving as i said it, as though he thought he might be dreaming.
"i love you kat."
i smiled without moving my lips. my eyes were smiling, if its even possible to do such a thing.
i knew, somehow, that if i was going to do something, i had to do it now. i took my right hand from around his neck and slowly started moving my fingers across his skin. around his neck, his neckline, down his chest...
jack grabbed onto my hand and kissed it. thinking he was just going with the flow like i was, i did it again with my left hand. then he grabbed hold of that too. i frowned.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
i had no idea what to do next. i had just been rejected. it was like all of my worst nightmares come true. i let my hands fall to the bed beside me and closed my eyes. they stung with the promise of oncoming tears, but i held them back, for prides sake.
he kissed my nose. and my cheeks. and my neck and my ears. and it felt so good i didnt want to push him away. i opened my eyes and saw the way he looked at me. he hadnt rejected me because he didnt want me, he did it because he didnt want me to get hurt.
i dont even remember falling asleep. but waking up in the morning was wonderful. i dreamt peacefully of kisses and jack, and woke up the same way i always did. except he wasnt curled up behind me. he had his arm around my neck and i was lying on him, my head resting on his chest, moving slowly up and down with his breathing. i was still in my dress and he was still wearing his dress pants. he had taken off his shirt at some point.
"good morning sunshine." his voice was slightly croaky and... kind of sexy.
i hadnt realised he was awake.
"whats the time?"
"about 4am. why?"
shit. what was i doing awake? "were you up all night?"
"you only went to sleep a few hours ago. yeah. i dont think ill be able to sleep."
"why not?" i asked.
"im terrified ill wake up and it will all be back to normal. its like im dreaming."
"youre not. hey! i slept on it."
"what?"
"you said sleep on it and then we can talk about it. i slept. lets talk." even though the thought of bringing that up with anyone scared me half to death.
"why are you in such a rush?"
"im not." in fact i didnt know why i was so keen to do it. because i wasnt. i was petrified.
"we can talk about it, but im not going to let you do anything stupid."
i decided to come clean.
"i just want to make you happy. like i went to the dance with you, for you. i wore that silly dress and all that make up and went all girly for you. and your mother."
"oh kat. sure i want things, but i want to wait. i havent done it before either you know. you sholdnt be doing it for me, you should be doing it because you want to. ok?"
thank god. there was no way i was ready for that yet. no way in hell.
"and that dress wasnt silly. you looked so beautiful. still do. i wonder how amelia is going to react." it wasnt so much as a question, more like thinking out loud. we continued to lay there until eventually we fell asleep again.
JACK
i was more than happy to stay in bed all day with kat, but unfortunately our stomachs forced us to get out of bed. i got changed quickly while kat showered and ran downstairs.
"god jack, its still morning, why are you up?"
"why not? just hungry"
"so how did it go last night? why did you come home so early? you were only gone for an hour and a half."
"well we got there, and then kat decided to tell me she was in love with me, so we came home. turns out neither of us actually wanted to be there."
"well then it went pretty well i see! your foolish grin gave it away as well. so how was it?"
"we didnt do anything. but it was good. very very good. you ok with us being together?"
"been waiting for it for years. well done for finally getting your act together, the pair of you."
kat walked into the room and i felt my grin grow. the flushed a shade of pink and sat down at the counter next to me. when i looked up at amelia again, she was crying.
"you ok amelia?"
"yeah... i just.... youre finally a couple!" it was hard to interpret what she was saying between sobs, and she rushed off to the downstairs bathroom to wipe away her tears of joy. kat moved her stool closer to me and i put my arm around her.
"what do you want for breakfast?"
"coffee. now. please."
we sat quietly sipping our coffee and enjoying the warm sense of happiness while the morning dragged on. we sat listening to the rain outside and debated on whether or not to go out today. we decided that video games and DVDs were a much more satisfactory idea, so we headed upstairs, shut the curtains in my room and whiled(?) away the afternoon.
it wasnt until very late that night that i realised with a shock that we hadnt finished our math homework from the week before. which wasnt so bad for me, but kat needed help finishing hers. we curled up in the warm bed while i watched her chew the end of her pen as she worked through her algebra problems. here and there i pointed at something on her page and she would go back to it and work it out again until i acknowledged a right answer. halfway through, she fell asleep on my shoulder. working quickly, i wrote the answers down and scribbled a note to her-
KAT- YOU NEED TO DO THE WORKING FOR THESE. LOVE YOU X
and i curled up next to her and slept.
KAT
its probably about time i explained my parents. its not something i know a lot about, but its the sort of thing that needs to be said.
ill start with my dad. his name is richard porter and all he knows is money. he was born into a world of it and knows no different. private schooling, extra tutoring and a large inheritance. his father died when i was still a baby, and his mother, my grandmother, is somewhere in europe, probably chasing after too many young men and having the time of her life. i have only met her a few times when i was still young.
from what i know, richard is in the business of insurance.
my grandmother is katherine the first, and though im not 100% sure, i could bet that she never shortened her name. katherine had never worked, she was supported by her parents and her husband, and when they had all died, she was left with a hefty sum of money that would keep her comfortable for the rest of her life.
my mother, on the other hand, was not born into anything. eleanor worked hard at school, hoping to become a doctor or a lawyer or something someday. she was accepted into a good college where she met my dad. as it turned out, she didnt need the scholarship, she ended up becoming my fathers assistant. he was a CEO of a bank or something. i never paid enough attention or cared enough to try.
my parents had my brother first. his name is joshua, and they insist on calling him that instead of josh. hes is five years older than me. he always had the ambition. he was a natural leader, and when we were kids, he would try and make me do my homework, tutoring me and lording it over me because i just wasnt as smart as he was. joshua knows what he wants. he has a plan. he has lots of plans. he has a daily, weekly, yearly, five yearly, and ten yearly plan. he knows exactly what is going on in every situation, and im pretty sure that these plans are the reason he gets what he wants. all the girls lov him- he is good looking, but not so good looking that he would break their hearts just because he could, he is secure, encouraging and determined. they knew, that if he wanted them, he would have them. at age 22, he had a steady girlfriend. i knew, that at age 23, he would propose, then six months later they would have their amazing wedding and live happily ever after. it made me a little ill. it made my parents happier than i ever made them, and it was for this reason that they favoured him over me. which was fine, because it meant that i could sneak out and they never noticed.
when i moved in with jack, im sure it felt to them like they had lost a child. i dont know if they were sad about it or not, but the enforced weekly dinners stopped after a while. i saw them every now and then, when amelia would feel guilty about stealing me away from them, or we would see them at the store. it was always strangely awkward around them, like they were old best friends or people who knew secrets about me. i tried not to let it get to me, but as much as i disliked them, i sort of missed my parents a little bit from time to time. amelia was always worried i wasnt seeing them enough, or they werent providing enough for me. truth is, they were still sending me large sums of money into my account weekly and monthly. $300 was transferred weekly, and $500 at the start of every month. i never used any of it, except to help out with groceries now and then, or if me and jack went out. neither of us had jobs, as we were told to focus on school, because amelia promised to give us everything we needed. the mortgage on the house wouldnt have been much, if anything, for a tiny 3 bedroom house in a tiny town. we got by on not very much. so i was blown away when i checked my account one afternoon while me and jack were at the mall. he needed new wheels for his skateboard, and i of course joined him.
"oh my god." the card had been sucked into the machine, and was now showing my balance.
"what?" jack leaned over and looked at the screen, nearly falling over himself when he realised what he was looking at.
"five thousand dolllars? what do i need 5 grand for? did they really think i would need all this?"
my head was spinning. i didnt even want to spend it. i didnt earn it, i didnt need or want it, how was i supposed to get rid of it?
"youre so shouting me these wheels i need kat. youve got the rich, i-cant-say-i-love-you-to-my-daughter-so-ill-send-her-copious-amounts-of-money parents, not me. i want a snack too actually." he grabbed me around the waist and put his face very close to mine. it still shocked me when he did this. "kat, im kidding. just leave the money. use it for college or to buy a house or something. ignore it, ok?" i sighed. he was right.
i retrieved my card and we headed to the skate shop.
i think next to home or the streets with his friends, this was his favourite place to be. it was full of skateboards signed by professionals, wheels, shoes, guards, pictures of tricks and people just like him. he loved it. it was a thursday afternoon, but the store was packed. we weaved in and out to get to the counter where we found Blue.
now, dont get me wrong, i like blue, but if i wasnt in the picture, i would bet all five grand in my bank account that jack would be doing everything he could to get with her. she was gorgeous. and i dont mean runway/giggles/shopping/pink things and puppies gorgeous.
i mean blue and blonde hair, piercings everywhere, eyeliner and legs that didnt stop. she was tall and had a huge grin, and could skate. she wore the most outrageous clothes and managed to actually pull it off. and she was nice. even to me, who had no idea what they meant by a 360 grind nose tail switch or whatever. she would smile at me and ask questions. not the bad kind of questions either. i think she understood that i hated questions like 'how are you'. she asked me if the bitchy girls at school were more or less bitchy, if my parents would notice if i dyed my hair green, or if i had ever tried skating. to be completely honest, i had a bit of a girl crush on blue. she was just so cool.
"jack, kat! havent seen you guys in ages! what can i do for you today guys? bit hectic in here today. has been lately." she grinned her perfect but not obnxious smile at us and we grinned back helplessly. then she noticed our hands, weaved together and squealed.
"you guys finally got together? about freaking time."
"yeah i think we were the last to realise. i need new wheels blue. mine are so out of shape. and i would like to get kat here a board."
fuck. i had been hoping this day would never come.
"awesome! well come out back, ill get you sorted."
i followed her out back, and glared at jack. "why?"
"im going to teach you properly how to skate. for that, you need a board."
out back was much the same as out front, but it had racks and racks of plain coloured boards, different shapes and sizes and all without wheels.
"ok! step up here kat, yep just like that. jack, come here and hold her so she doesnt fall over."
i was placed onto a grid on the floor, with marks and shapes all over the place. blue bent over my feet, measuring and muttering to herself. she scribbled out numbers and then stood up again, disappearing behind a rack of green boards. i continued glaring at jack, who seemed annoyingly happy.
when blue reappeared, she was holding a board in her right hand and a set of wheels in the left. the wheels were dropped on the ground and i was told to stand on my board, which was now balanced precariously on a metal contraption, placing the wheels where they would normally be.
"youre kidding right? i cant stand on that thing, ill fall off."
"two inches off the ground? kat, you have the perfect shape for a skateboarder. small and light. its a lot harder for people like me to do it. stupid long freaking legs. hey jack, go get me the tape from the front would you?" he disappeared obediently.
"look kat, if you do this, it will make him so happy. just give it a try. cuts and scrapes just go with the occupation. you dont have to be great, but go. do it." jack arrived back in the room just as i was stepping onto the board. my toes and heels hung over the edges a little, but otherwise it seemed to take my weight well. i clung to jack with my knuckles turning whiter and whiter. blue adjusted a few more things, then i was told to get off.
"all done! come pick it up next weekend, pay then as well. any requests?"
"kat, go ahead, i want to ask blue something."
ok fine. i wandered to the front of the store again, glad to be off the skateboard. jack caught up to me a minute later and we left the shop together.
"what was that all about?" i tried to ask angrily, but my mood had evaporated.
"just a little something. youll see."
we left the dance, running for the car. it was hard to run in a strapless dress and not have it fall down, and it was even harder when jack grabbed one of my hands. i knew i was slowing us down, but it was just too cold. then he picked me up.
"no! jack put me down, put me down!"
he didnt put me down, but we were moving a lot faster now. we were at the car within minutes, and we buckled up and zoomed off.
i was terrified. what was going to happen? i had just had my first kiss, but i still didnt know anything about this sort of thing. i wasnt ready, that much i knew for sure, but i wanted to make jack happy. what would that take?
after the fastest drive home ever, i bolted from the car and ran to the front door, jack following close behind. i needed him back.
he ushered me upstairs while he talked to amelia. i ran up there, nervous beyond compare. i smoothed my hair and wiped off my lipgloss and smelt my breath and then he was there again. he shut the door and charged towards me with such force that i might have fallen over had his arms not been behind my back already. his mouth found mine and thats where it stayed. i threw off his jacket and managed to pull my stockings off with one hand. unable to stand on our shaking legs any longer, we fell back onto the bed. jack was on top of me and i could smell him. he smelt like the deodorant me and amelia had picked out, and clean from a shower, and sweat. it wasnt a bad smell, it just made it more like jack. i breathed it in and nearly passed out.
my arms were in knots around his neck and back and our legs were tangled together too.
my hands found his collar and pulled him closer still. i felt a button move under my finger and prised it open hesitantly. jack didnt seem to mind, or even notice. i opened another, and another. i didnt want to take it off completely, in case his back got cold, but the heat from his chest warmed mine.
some time later, we broke apart. jack grabbed the water bottle and drank deeply before handing it to me. i sipped it and then threw it on the floor, keen to get back to my boyfriend. it sounded so weird. boyfriend was so casual. i hated the way the word sounded.
i felt it was important to reiterate the words i had said earlier. i looked him straight on and just said it. "i love you jack."
his face looked so disbelieving as i said it, as though he thought he might be dreaming.
"i love you kat."
i smiled without moving my lips. my eyes were smiling, if its even possible to do such a thing.
i knew, somehow, that if i was going to do something, i had to do it now. i took my right hand from around his neck and slowly started moving my fingers across his skin. around his neck, his neckline, down his chest...
jack grabbed onto my hand and kissed it. thinking he was just going with the flow like i was, i did it again with my left hand. then he grabbed hold of that too. i frowned.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
i had no idea what to do next. i had just been rejected. it was like all of my worst nightmares come true. i let my hands fall to the bed beside me and closed my eyes. they stung with the promise of oncoming tears, but i held them back, for prides sake.
he kissed my nose. and my cheeks. and my neck and my ears. and it felt so good i didnt want to push him away. i opened my eyes and saw the way he looked at me. he hadnt rejected me because he didnt want me, he did it because he didnt want me to get hurt.
i dont even remember falling asleep. but waking up in the morning was wonderful. i dreamt peacefully of kisses and jack, and woke up the same way i always did. except he wasnt curled up behind me. he had his arm around my neck and i was lying on him, my head resting on his chest, moving slowly up and down with his breathing. i was still in my dress and he was still wearing his dress pants. he had taken off his shirt at some point.
"good morning sunshine." his voice was slightly croaky and... kind of sexy.
i hadnt realised he was awake.
"whats the time?"
"about 4am. why?"
shit. what was i doing awake? "were you up all night?"
"you only went to sleep a few hours ago. yeah. i dont think ill be able to sleep."
"why not?" i asked.
"im terrified ill wake up and it will all be back to normal. its like im dreaming."
"youre not. hey! i slept on it."
"what?"
"you said sleep on it and then we can talk about it. i slept. lets talk." even though the thought of bringing that up with anyone scared me half to death.
"why are you in such a rush?"
"im not." in fact i didnt know why i was so keen to do it. because i wasnt. i was petrified.
"we can talk about it, but im not going to let you do anything stupid."
i decided to come clean.
"i just want to make you happy. like i went to the dance with you, for you. i wore that silly dress and all that make up and went all girly for you. and your mother."
"oh kat. sure i want things, but i want to wait. i havent done it before either you know. you sholdnt be doing it for me, you should be doing it because you want to. ok?"
thank god. there was no way i was ready for that yet. no way in hell.
"and that dress wasnt silly. you looked so beautiful. still do. i wonder how amelia is going to react." it wasnt so much as a question, more like thinking out loud. we continued to lay there until eventually we fell asleep again.
JACK
i was more than happy to stay in bed all day with kat, but unfortunately our stomachs forced us to get out of bed. i got changed quickly while kat showered and ran downstairs.
"god jack, its still morning, why are you up?"
"why not? just hungry"
"so how did it go last night? why did you come home so early? you were only gone for an hour and a half."
"well we got there, and then kat decided to tell me she was in love with me, so we came home. turns out neither of us actually wanted to be there."
"well then it went pretty well i see! your foolish grin gave it away as well. so how was it?"
"we didnt do anything. but it was good. very very good. you ok with us being together?"
"been waiting for it for years. well done for finally getting your act together, the pair of you."
kat walked into the room and i felt my grin grow. the flushed a shade of pink and sat down at the counter next to me. when i looked up at amelia again, she was crying.
"you ok amelia?"
"yeah... i just.... youre finally a couple!" it was hard to interpret what she was saying between sobs, and she rushed off to the downstairs bathroom to wipe away her tears of joy. kat moved her stool closer to me and i put my arm around her.
"what do you want for breakfast?"
"coffee. now. please."
we sat quietly sipping our coffee and enjoying the warm sense of happiness while the morning dragged on. we sat listening to the rain outside and debated on whether or not to go out today. we decided that video games and DVDs were a much more satisfactory idea, so we headed upstairs, shut the curtains in my room and whiled(?) away the afternoon.
it wasnt until very late that night that i realised with a shock that we hadnt finished our math homework from the week before. which wasnt so bad for me, but kat needed help finishing hers. we curled up in the warm bed while i watched her chew the end of her pen as she worked through her algebra problems. here and there i pointed at something on her page and she would go back to it and work it out again until i acknowledged a right answer. halfway through, she fell asleep on my shoulder. working quickly, i wrote the answers down and scribbled a note to her-
KAT- YOU NEED TO DO THE WORKING FOR THESE. LOVE YOU X
and i curled up next to her and slept.
KAT
its probably about time i explained my parents. its not something i know a lot about, but its the sort of thing that needs to be said.
ill start with my dad. his name is richard porter and all he knows is money. he was born into a world of it and knows no different. private schooling, extra tutoring and a large inheritance. his father died when i was still a baby, and his mother, my grandmother, is somewhere in europe, probably chasing after too many young men and having the time of her life. i have only met her a few times when i was still young.
from what i know, richard is in the business of insurance.
my grandmother is katherine the first, and though im not 100% sure, i could bet that she never shortened her name. katherine had never worked, she was supported by her parents and her husband, and when they had all died, she was left with a hefty sum of money that would keep her comfortable for the rest of her life.
my mother, on the other hand, was not born into anything. eleanor worked hard at school, hoping to become a doctor or a lawyer or something someday. she was accepted into a good college where she met my dad. as it turned out, she didnt need the scholarship, she ended up becoming my fathers assistant. he was a CEO of a bank or something. i never paid enough attention or cared enough to try.
my parents had my brother first. his name is joshua, and they insist on calling him that instead of josh. hes is five years older than me. he always had the ambition. he was a natural leader, and when we were kids, he would try and make me do my homework, tutoring me and lording it over me because i just wasnt as smart as he was. joshua knows what he wants. he has a plan. he has lots of plans. he has a daily, weekly, yearly, five yearly, and ten yearly plan. he knows exactly what is going on in every situation, and im pretty sure that these plans are the reason he gets what he wants. all the girls lov him- he is good looking, but not so good looking that he would break their hearts just because he could, he is secure, encouraging and determined. they knew, that if he wanted them, he would have them. at age 22, he had a steady girlfriend. i knew, that at age 23, he would propose, then six months later they would have their amazing wedding and live happily ever after. it made me a little ill. it made my parents happier than i ever made them, and it was for this reason that they favoured him over me. which was fine, because it meant that i could sneak out and they never noticed.
when i moved in with jack, im sure it felt to them like they had lost a child. i dont know if they were sad about it or not, but the enforced weekly dinners stopped after a while. i saw them every now and then, when amelia would feel guilty about stealing me away from them, or we would see them at the store. it was always strangely awkward around them, like they were old best friends or people who knew secrets about me. i tried not to let it get to me, but as much as i disliked them, i sort of missed my parents a little bit from time to time. amelia was always worried i wasnt seeing them enough, or they werent providing enough for me. truth is, they were still sending me large sums of money into my account weekly and monthly. $300 was transferred weekly, and $500 at the start of every month. i never used any of it, except to help out with groceries now and then, or if me and jack went out. neither of us had jobs, as we were told to focus on school, because amelia promised to give us everything we needed. the mortgage on the house wouldnt have been much, if anything, for a tiny 3 bedroom house in a tiny town. we got by on not very much. so i was blown away when i checked my account one afternoon while me and jack were at the mall. he needed new wheels for his skateboard, and i of course joined him.
"oh my god." the card had been sucked into the machine, and was now showing my balance.
"what?" jack leaned over and looked at the screen, nearly falling over himself when he realised what he was looking at.
"five thousand dolllars? what do i need 5 grand for? did they really think i would need all this?"
my head was spinning. i didnt even want to spend it. i didnt earn it, i didnt need or want it, how was i supposed to get rid of it?
"youre so shouting me these wheels i need kat. youve got the rich, i-cant-say-i-love-you-to-my-daughter-so-ill-send-her-copious-amounts-of-money parents, not me. i want a snack too actually." he grabbed me around the waist and put his face very close to mine. it still shocked me when he did this. "kat, im kidding. just leave the money. use it for college or to buy a house or something. ignore it, ok?" i sighed. he was right.
i retrieved my card and we headed to the skate shop.
i think next to home or the streets with his friends, this was his favourite place to be. it was full of skateboards signed by professionals, wheels, shoes, guards, pictures of tricks and people just like him. he loved it. it was a thursday afternoon, but the store was packed. we weaved in and out to get to the counter where we found Blue.
now, dont get me wrong, i like blue, but if i wasnt in the picture, i would bet all five grand in my bank account that jack would be doing everything he could to get with her. she was gorgeous. and i dont mean runway/giggles/shopping/pink things and puppies gorgeous.
i mean blue and blonde hair, piercings everywhere, eyeliner and legs that didnt stop. she was tall and had a huge grin, and could skate. she wore the most outrageous clothes and managed to actually pull it off. and she was nice. even to me, who had no idea what they meant by a 360 grind nose tail switch or whatever. she would smile at me and ask questions. not the bad kind of questions either. i think she understood that i hated questions like 'how are you'. she asked me if the bitchy girls at school were more or less bitchy, if my parents would notice if i dyed my hair green, or if i had ever tried skating. to be completely honest, i had a bit of a girl crush on blue. she was just so cool.
"jack, kat! havent seen you guys in ages! what can i do for you today guys? bit hectic in here today. has been lately." she grinned her perfect but not obnxious smile at us and we grinned back helplessly. then she noticed our hands, weaved together and squealed.
"you guys finally got together? about freaking time."
"yeah i think we were the last to realise. i need new wheels blue. mine are so out of shape. and i would like to get kat here a board."
fuck. i had been hoping this day would never come.
"awesome! well come out back, ill get you sorted."
i followed her out back, and glared at jack. "why?"
"im going to teach you properly how to skate. for that, you need a board."
out back was much the same as out front, but it had racks and racks of plain coloured boards, different shapes and sizes and all without wheels.
"ok! step up here kat, yep just like that. jack, come here and hold her so she doesnt fall over."
i was placed onto a grid on the floor, with marks and shapes all over the place. blue bent over my feet, measuring and muttering to herself. she scribbled out numbers and then stood up again, disappearing behind a rack of green boards. i continued glaring at jack, who seemed annoyingly happy.
when blue reappeared, she was holding a board in her right hand and a set of wheels in the left. the wheels were dropped on the ground and i was told to stand on my board, which was now balanced precariously on a metal contraption, placing the wheels where they would normally be.
"youre kidding right? i cant stand on that thing, ill fall off."
"two inches off the ground? kat, you have the perfect shape for a skateboarder. small and light. its a lot harder for people like me to do it. stupid long freaking legs. hey jack, go get me the tape from the front would you?" he disappeared obediently.
"look kat, if you do this, it will make him so happy. just give it a try. cuts and scrapes just go with the occupation. you dont have to be great, but go. do it." jack arrived back in the room just as i was stepping onto the board. my toes and heels hung over the edges a little, but otherwise it seemed to take my weight well. i clung to jack with my knuckles turning whiter and whiter. blue adjusted a few more things, then i was told to get off.
"all done! come pick it up next weekend, pay then as well. any requests?"
"kat, go ahead, i want to ask blue something."
ok fine. i wandered to the front of the store again, glad to be off the skateboard. jack caught up to me a minute later and we left the shop together.
"what was that all about?" i tried to ask angrily, but my mood had evaporated.
"just a little something. youll see."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Reckless (Part Eleven)
KAT
it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.
JACK
i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.
KAT
i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.
the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.
JACK
she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.
JACK
i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.
KAT
i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.
the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.
JACK
she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."
Reckless (Part Ten)
JACK
i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.
kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."
KAT
jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"
JACK
amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.
KAT
it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"
by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.
AMELIA
i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.
i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.
kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."
KAT
jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"
JACK
amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.
KAT
it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"
by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.
AMELIA
i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Reckless (Part Nine)
JACK
i so vividly remember the time kat slipped up.
we were doing so well. she had finally learned how to ignore the girls at school that tormented her daily, and had been smiling more than i had ever seen. the change was so eagerly awaited on mine and amelias parts that whenever kat bounced down the stairs, our hearts lifted and we were filled with hope.
our hope was wasted. the day kat got drunk at school was the day my hope was slashed and left for dead on the floor.
it was a thursday, so close to the weekend, and it had been a long hard week for her. taunts were constantly coming hard and fast. news had somehow spread that she was depressed, probably due to rumours, and all she ever heard was taunts and giggles, everyone suggesting ways in which she should kill herself.
when she had come home on wednesday night, telling me about each thing she heard from them, i proudly congratulated her on her ability to ignore them. my suspicions were aroused however, when, on our way to school the next day, she told me she had forgotten something and told me to go ahead. i was slightly worried, but the sucess of the weeks previous made it easy to forget.
it wasnt until i got the text message from her that i gave it another thought. it read- "JACL BM ESUNK. GAHAGAHAGG" i had to read it several times before i realised that it said "jack am drunk hahahaha" after which i tried calling her. on the third call she picked up.
"kat! what the hell are you doing?"
"iss nice an' lovely t'day innit jack?" i could barely understand her.
"come to the trail kat, now."
"K. 'm i in trouble jack?"
i sighed. "no kat, just come meet me now"
as i walked to the trail my stomach was in knots. i had no idea how much she had drunk, or what she had done whilst drunk. aside from the worry, i felt sick with guilt. i shouldnt have let her out of my sight. i knew where she had gone as well, which made it worse. her parents had a huge stash of alcohol. i winced. kat was a mess. as she approached, i saw her clearer. her hair was a mess and her chapstick was smeared across her face. she had a goofy grin on and was ambling drunkenly towards me.
"jack! so glad you could make it! welcome to the party." she faltered as she saw the look on my face. "wass wrong jack?"
"youre drunk. in school." i put my arm around her and started dragging her home.
"how much did you drink kat?"
she held up a drink bottle that was nearly empty. i yanked it off her and took a sip. it was straight vodka. miserable, i took her home, pouring the rest out as we walked.
when we arrived in my room, i put kat to sleep, leaving her in her uniform. i waited until she was asleep and crept downstairs to use the phone.
"twentyfour hour help hotline, Emlynne speaking, how can i help?" the kind voice said down the line.
"hi. my best friend, well, we need some help."
"its ok to talk about it." she said assuringly. i paused. was i doing the right thing by kat, or was i betraying her trust by doing this? i carried on anyway. i was desperate.
"my friend, she has depression. severe, severe depression." i felt it was so important to let her know just how bad kat was. this wasnt a regular case of sad teenage girl. "and she drinks. not all the time, in fact, hardly ever. but today she took alcohol to school and got drunk there. shes upstairs sleeping now, but i dont know what to do. i just dont know what to do anymore." as the words spilled from my mouth i grew weak. the strain of all these years was catching up as i relived them in a few short sentences.
"how old is your friend dear?"
"nearly seventeen."
"how long has she been feeling like this?"
"since before i met her. we were 14 when we met. its just so hard."
"well, well done for staying with her all this time, most people tend to give up when they feel like they cant help and arent coping well. now tell me...?"
"jack. my name is jack."
"jack. tell me, how did she get the alcohol? she couldnt have bought it."
"she went around to her parents house and took some of theirs. they werent home and probably wont even notice."
"so she lives with you?"
"yeah me and my mother."
"sounds like shes pretty well taken care of. youre doing a fantastic job jack, really. now, i do need to ask, have there been any suicide attempts?"
"two. she was hospitalized both times, after cutting, taking pills and drinking."
"i see." she paused, and i thought i heard the faint scratching of a pen on paper as she took notes. "the main thing here is that you keep her away from alcohol. that seems to the major problem at the moment. aside from the drinking, how has she been lately?"
"shes been great. no really, shes been doing well. smiling and stuff."
"i think its important right now to keep at it. i can give you a few numbers now if you like, just in case? have you got a pen and paper?"
i scrambled around for the items and returned to the phone. i doubted the numbers would do any good, but i took them anyway.
"ok, firstly theres the mental health support network. theyre there for people exactly like you, who are close to people with depression, anxiety, bi-polar et cetera. theyve all been there, so they can be really helpful when times get tough for you." i jotted down the number she gave me and waited for the next.
"then theres the alcohol and drug addiction hotline. your friend may not be addicted to alcohol, but in her case it sounds like they could give you some help. also if your friend is a cutter, they understand the addiction to it, which essentially works in the same way as substance addictions. theres the suicide helpline too, which works with us, so if you need to call them, give them this number- thats a client number, it means they can pull up any notes ive taken today and assist you quicker." she called out the number to quote and the telephone number.
"thankyou." i said sombrely. she had calmed me down a lot, even if i never used any of the numbers anyway.
"one more thing. has your friend been to see a therapist of some description?"
"yeah, two. neither of them worked out well."
"ok well im going to recommend you a few of the best ones ive had dealings with, theyre not too cheap, but theyre definately worth it."
as she called out the last few contacts and hung up, i felt a huge rush of exhaustion creep up on me. leaning against the kitchen counter, i hung my head in my palms. it was times like this i felt like crying. when the weight of all kats problems caught up on me and it all just seemed like too much all at once. i still didnt know what to do with kat when she woke up from her vodka induced slumber. i didnt know what to tell amelia when she arrived home, what to tell the school, or what to say to her parents if the school rung them. i didnt know how to go back to normal after this. i just didnt know where i was supposed to turn. you have to stay strong for kat. dont let it all tear you up. relax. do something that makes you relax, takes out all your anger and pain and sadness.
without another thought, i ran upstairs and changed, then took my board out for a ride.
AMELIA
ive had a pretty straightforward life. not easy, not wealthy, but its been a happy life.
when i finished high school, i wanted to be an artist. i had applied to go to a university to study it, with no clear intentions on what i wanted to be. my parents would beg me to make something of myself, not to choose such a flimsy career, based, as they thought, on luck. when i wasnt accepted into the only college i had applied for, i was devastated, only to learn that my parents had sent an application to do a basic degree in business on my behalf. with my dream blown apart, i miserably accepted the place and trained to be an accountant or something for the next three years.
i kept up my art as a hobby, and began working at a nearby bank. my parents were so proud.
"there are banks everywhere amelia, you can go whereever your heart leads you and still find work."
i was still empty. it wasnt until i met max that everything fell into place. we were both 22, and we were both in business school. it wasnt long at all until i moved into his tiny flat, finally finding someone who appreciated my artistic flair, the way i saw the world as one big canvas. we were madly in love. when i fell pregnant, i was 23 and still so mentally young that i had no idea what i was going to do. i had never thought about children, but max had assured me he was there every step of the way. and he was.
the night i went into labour was a horrible stormy night. the rain fell down in sheets; you could barely see in front of you. he carefully drove me to the hospital as i gasped in pain. we were turning onto the road where the maternity centre was when a van slid into us, tires screeching, water everywhere. as though in slow motion, max turned to me, touched my stomach and said "i love you amelia".
the accident itself wasnt that bad. the driver of the other car was fine, scrapes and bruises, same as me. but max had suffered a head injury, and by the time he was in a hospital bed, he was dead. unrelenting, i wasnt allowed to see him until i had given birth. i knew i had to, and as soon as i was allowed, a nurse wheeled me to his room to say goodbye. he looked the same, just paler, all the blood in his cheeks had faded and i cried by his bedside until i was taken away to feed my baby.
i remember the nurse coming every week to check on me. apparently i was at a huge risk for post natal depression, and they wanted to keep an eye on me, until i was settled and comfortable. i was so grateful for the help.
watching jack grow up was hard. he looked like a miniature max, and laughed just like he did. i feared for his life so much. i wasnt sure whether that was motherly instinct or the terrible trauma of losing max, but i was always on edge. but, sure enough, life went on. i mourned max every day, and celebrated jack also.
the day jack had met kat, he had come home later than i had made him promise.
"amelia, i met someone. she was sad, but i like her. i want to make her happy."
i could tell he was promising this to himself, and even in the words of a naive 14 year old, he knew what he was doing.
having kat in my life was a joy. she was so severely disconnected, but she always seemed more relaxed and natural with me and jack around. if she didnt want to talk, she would quietly and politely tell us and leave us until she was feeling more sociable. she was a little girl, slender and short and somehow very fragile. her skin was pale with a tinge of olive, and her blue eyes were wide under her dark hair. i loved her as though she were my own. so as one can imagine, i was shocked when i was greeted by a note when i got home from work one thursday evening. it was starting to get colder and darker earlier in the evening- i would have to remember to take my gloves with me to work tomorrow- and i dragged my tired body inside and dropped all the groceries on the floor, kicking of my stilettos. i hated those shoes. i wandered around the counter to the fridge and found half a bottle of wine and set a glass down on the counter to pour one. there was a note from jack. this didnt surprise me- i was often left notes if the kids werent going to be home for dinner or if they intended on staying out late. the note read-
AMELIA, ITS ME JACK. I THINK KAT MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE. I PUT HER IN BED, AND ILL BE HOME SOON, BUT ITS A BIT OF A BIGGIE. LOVE JACK. PS, WHATS FOR DINNER?
typical jack. food first. but i was worried about kat. what sort of trouble could she be in? i poured the wine and waited for jack to come home and explain, my nerves like live wires.
KAT
i kept dreaming of jack. not the usual dreams, of memories and times we had shared, but of jack and me being a couple. in one dream it would be weird, and i would wake up from it in a cold sweat, terrified of what might happen. the next dream would have a happy ending, where i lay partially awake, and kissed jack til he was awake so i could tell him how i felt. the thing was, i didnt know how i felt. did i love jack as a friend, a brother, or did i love him romantically? the turmoil helped in some ways. whenever i was being teased or mocked at school, i would drift away in my dreams and picture jack holding my hand, kissing my mouth, my nose, my ears, my neck. i had seen him without a shirt countless times, but now i saw it differently. i saw the slight muscle building over his ribcage where the ribs were still so very noticable. i imagined putting my fingers in the little hollow of skin where his collarbones were, and touching the smooth even skin there.
i knew amelia would be overjoyed. but what if jack suddenly realised it was a mistake? what if i told him i wanted to try and be his girlfriend and he shot me down, like a falling star? but, a tiny voice said inside me what if he didnt? what if he loved you all along?
it was a constant battle inside my head. all i needed was jack to tell me how he felt so i could make my mind up after that.
i met jack at the trail after school, same as always. there were excited yelps and squeals all around me and i wondered what was going on. i looked down in my hands at the flyer we had all been given in our last class- HICKORY SCHOOL DANCE- CO-ED it read. a blonde girl shoved past me, shouldering me without seeming to notice. "oh my god! like, who are you taking? i need a dress. i need a dress NOW!!!!" her high pitched screams deafened me, and i glowered at her. so that was why. i didnt get why people were so excited about these stupid dances. sure, we didnt have them that often, but it wasnt something to get so worked up about. i spotted jack and walked up to meet him.
"hey kat." since my recent blunder he had been more short tempered with me. apparently drinking at school was a criminal offence, and he was the one to punish me, since i hadnt been caught by the school. i was being watched 24/7 and the feeling of being trapped kept chasing me. when i complained to jack, he had no sympathy.
"hey jack." i made a concerted effort to be more perky around him, more talkative.
"i see you guys got handed out the flyers too huh?" jack held no tone in his voice that would give away his view on the matter. "even the guys in my class were excited, talking about which girl they wanted to get with on the night and how they intended to- ah- woo them. pathetic."
at last! "i know, you would think these girls never danced before. all thats going to happen is they get dressed up, get their hopes up, get drunk," i winced as i saw jack flinch at the word, "and then have sex with someone they dont even know. its pathetic really."
we lapsed into silence and started the walk home. the trail was fairly empty now; everyone had disappeared to make a start on their dance plans (despite it being two weeks away).
we were nearly home, just rounding the corner, when jack stopped.
not having noticed right away, i carried on walking, then turned around when i saw he wasnt next to me. "jack?"
"hey kat, um, theres something i want to ask you."
jack never said um. never. something was up.
"yeah?" i replied slowly.
"that dance, i know i said it was stupid, but, doyouwanttogotothedancewithme?" the words tumbled out in a rush, falling on top of eachother and ended in a sudden silence.
"what? jack you cant be serious. i dont dance. you dont dance. we go to parties with our friends in jeans and sneakers and listen to obnoxious music we actually like." why was he doing this?
"dont worry. it was just a thought. let me know if you change your mind." he powered on ahead, acting overly nonchalant. i frowned and followed him. i knew it was best to leave it be now, but i could tell he was more than a little bit hurt. my ranting about how terrible it would be probably didnt do anything to lessen that.
and the truth was, i really wouldnt mind going. sure, i didnt like dresses, or dancing, or that kind of music, but i sort of wanted to be seen publicly as being with jack. not that anything was official yet, or even talked about, but i wanted a reason to hold his hand. we hurried home in silence, heads bowed against the icy autumn wind that promised a cold winter.
after dinner that night, jack seemed to be fine. we lay on the floor in his room doing our homework together- he was now tutoring me in maths since he had been put in the brainy class. i had always known he was good at math, but i never realised how good he really was. i was finding it hard to concentrate, jacks earlier proposal kept surfacing in my mind, and then i would create scenes in which it would happen, and then it would create counter-scenes where he would go with another girl. i put down my pen.
"jack, im just going downstairs to get a drink, you want one?"
"sure. whatever youre having."
as i neared the top of the stairs, i could hear amelia laughing at something she was watching on TV. instead of going right into the kitchen, i sat next to her on the couch, patiently waiting for an ad break. when one came, she turned the volume down and looked at me.
"whats up munchkin?"
"did jack talk to you about anything before?"
"like you rejecting him to the school dance?"
"that bad?"
"yeah, but he'll be ok. he knows you dont like that sort of thing anyway."
"amelia, if jack and i were to, um... get together, would you be ok with that?"
"are you already? or just planning on it?"
"not necessarily planning, but i have been thinking about what it would be like. i just dont know how he would react to it, or if you would be ok with it."
"well, i have been looking forward to hearing you say that since the day you set foot in this house missy. as for jack, i think hes been the same. he loves you kat, but im pretty sure he loves you more than just his best friend."
i sighed. "thanks amelia." i retreated to the kitchen and got two glasses of lemonade and headed upstairs to continue with the mass of homework waiting for me.
i so vividly remember the time kat slipped up.
we were doing so well. she had finally learned how to ignore the girls at school that tormented her daily, and had been smiling more than i had ever seen. the change was so eagerly awaited on mine and amelias parts that whenever kat bounced down the stairs, our hearts lifted and we were filled with hope.
our hope was wasted. the day kat got drunk at school was the day my hope was slashed and left for dead on the floor.
it was a thursday, so close to the weekend, and it had been a long hard week for her. taunts were constantly coming hard and fast. news had somehow spread that she was depressed, probably due to rumours, and all she ever heard was taunts and giggles, everyone suggesting ways in which she should kill herself.
when she had come home on wednesday night, telling me about each thing she heard from them, i proudly congratulated her on her ability to ignore them. my suspicions were aroused however, when, on our way to school the next day, she told me she had forgotten something and told me to go ahead. i was slightly worried, but the sucess of the weeks previous made it easy to forget.
it wasnt until i got the text message from her that i gave it another thought. it read- "JACL BM ESUNK. GAHAGAHAGG" i had to read it several times before i realised that it said "jack am drunk hahahaha" after which i tried calling her. on the third call she picked up.
"kat! what the hell are you doing?"
"iss nice an' lovely t'day innit jack?" i could barely understand her.
"come to the trail kat, now."
"K. 'm i in trouble jack?"
i sighed. "no kat, just come meet me now"
as i walked to the trail my stomach was in knots. i had no idea how much she had drunk, or what she had done whilst drunk. aside from the worry, i felt sick with guilt. i shouldnt have let her out of my sight. i knew where she had gone as well, which made it worse. her parents had a huge stash of alcohol. i winced. kat was a mess. as she approached, i saw her clearer. her hair was a mess and her chapstick was smeared across her face. she had a goofy grin on and was ambling drunkenly towards me.
"jack! so glad you could make it! welcome to the party." she faltered as she saw the look on my face. "wass wrong jack?"
"youre drunk. in school." i put my arm around her and started dragging her home.
"how much did you drink kat?"
she held up a drink bottle that was nearly empty. i yanked it off her and took a sip. it was straight vodka. miserable, i took her home, pouring the rest out as we walked.
when we arrived in my room, i put kat to sleep, leaving her in her uniform. i waited until she was asleep and crept downstairs to use the phone.
"twentyfour hour help hotline, Emlynne speaking, how can i help?" the kind voice said down the line.
"hi. my best friend, well, we need some help."
"its ok to talk about it." she said assuringly. i paused. was i doing the right thing by kat, or was i betraying her trust by doing this? i carried on anyway. i was desperate.
"my friend, she has depression. severe, severe depression." i felt it was so important to let her know just how bad kat was. this wasnt a regular case of sad teenage girl. "and she drinks. not all the time, in fact, hardly ever. but today she took alcohol to school and got drunk there. shes upstairs sleeping now, but i dont know what to do. i just dont know what to do anymore." as the words spilled from my mouth i grew weak. the strain of all these years was catching up as i relived them in a few short sentences.
"how old is your friend dear?"
"nearly seventeen."
"how long has she been feeling like this?"
"since before i met her. we were 14 when we met. its just so hard."
"well, well done for staying with her all this time, most people tend to give up when they feel like they cant help and arent coping well. now tell me...?"
"jack. my name is jack."
"jack. tell me, how did she get the alcohol? she couldnt have bought it."
"she went around to her parents house and took some of theirs. they werent home and probably wont even notice."
"so she lives with you?"
"yeah me and my mother."
"sounds like shes pretty well taken care of. youre doing a fantastic job jack, really. now, i do need to ask, have there been any suicide attempts?"
"two. she was hospitalized both times, after cutting, taking pills and drinking."
"i see." she paused, and i thought i heard the faint scratching of a pen on paper as she took notes. "the main thing here is that you keep her away from alcohol. that seems to the major problem at the moment. aside from the drinking, how has she been lately?"
"shes been great. no really, shes been doing well. smiling and stuff."
"i think its important right now to keep at it. i can give you a few numbers now if you like, just in case? have you got a pen and paper?"
i scrambled around for the items and returned to the phone. i doubted the numbers would do any good, but i took them anyway.
"ok, firstly theres the mental health support network. theyre there for people exactly like you, who are close to people with depression, anxiety, bi-polar et cetera. theyve all been there, so they can be really helpful when times get tough for you." i jotted down the number she gave me and waited for the next.
"then theres the alcohol and drug addiction hotline. your friend may not be addicted to alcohol, but in her case it sounds like they could give you some help. also if your friend is a cutter, they understand the addiction to it, which essentially works in the same way as substance addictions. theres the suicide helpline too, which works with us, so if you need to call them, give them this number- thats a client number, it means they can pull up any notes ive taken today and assist you quicker." she called out the number to quote and the telephone number.
"thankyou." i said sombrely. she had calmed me down a lot, even if i never used any of the numbers anyway.
"one more thing. has your friend been to see a therapist of some description?"
"yeah, two. neither of them worked out well."
"ok well im going to recommend you a few of the best ones ive had dealings with, theyre not too cheap, but theyre definately worth it."
as she called out the last few contacts and hung up, i felt a huge rush of exhaustion creep up on me. leaning against the kitchen counter, i hung my head in my palms. it was times like this i felt like crying. when the weight of all kats problems caught up on me and it all just seemed like too much all at once. i still didnt know what to do with kat when she woke up from her vodka induced slumber. i didnt know what to tell amelia when she arrived home, what to tell the school, or what to say to her parents if the school rung them. i didnt know how to go back to normal after this. i just didnt know where i was supposed to turn. you have to stay strong for kat. dont let it all tear you up. relax. do something that makes you relax, takes out all your anger and pain and sadness.
without another thought, i ran upstairs and changed, then took my board out for a ride.
AMELIA
ive had a pretty straightforward life. not easy, not wealthy, but its been a happy life.
when i finished high school, i wanted to be an artist. i had applied to go to a university to study it, with no clear intentions on what i wanted to be. my parents would beg me to make something of myself, not to choose such a flimsy career, based, as they thought, on luck. when i wasnt accepted into the only college i had applied for, i was devastated, only to learn that my parents had sent an application to do a basic degree in business on my behalf. with my dream blown apart, i miserably accepted the place and trained to be an accountant or something for the next three years.
i kept up my art as a hobby, and began working at a nearby bank. my parents were so proud.
"there are banks everywhere amelia, you can go whereever your heart leads you and still find work."
i was still empty. it wasnt until i met max that everything fell into place. we were both 22, and we were both in business school. it wasnt long at all until i moved into his tiny flat, finally finding someone who appreciated my artistic flair, the way i saw the world as one big canvas. we were madly in love. when i fell pregnant, i was 23 and still so mentally young that i had no idea what i was going to do. i had never thought about children, but max had assured me he was there every step of the way. and he was.
the night i went into labour was a horrible stormy night. the rain fell down in sheets; you could barely see in front of you. he carefully drove me to the hospital as i gasped in pain. we were turning onto the road where the maternity centre was when a van slid into us, tires screeching, water everywhere. as though in slow motion, max turned to me, touched my stomach and said "i love you amelia".
the accident itself wasnt that bad. the driver of the other car was fine, scrapes and bruises, same as me. but max had suffered a head injury, and by the time he was in a hospital bed, he was dead. unrelenting, i wasnt allowed to see him until i had given birth. i knew i had to, and as soon as i was allowed, a nurse wheeled me to his room to say goodbye. he looked the same, just paler, all the blood in his cheeks had faded and i cried by his bedside until i was taken away to feed my baby.
i remember the nurse coming every week to check on me. apparently i was at a huge risk for post natal depression, and they wanted to keep an eye on me, until i was settled and comfortable. i was so grateful for the help.
watching jack grow up was hard. he looked like a miniature max, and laughed just like he did. i feared for his life so much. i wasnt sure whether that was motherly instinct or the terrible trauma of losing max, but i was always on edge. but, sure enough, life went on. i mourned max every day, and celebrated jack also.
the day jack had met kat, he had come home later than i had made him promise.
"amelia, i met someone. she was sad, but i like her. i want to make her happy."
i could tell he was promising this to himself, and even in the words of a naive 14 year old, he knew what he was doing.
having kat in my life was a joy. she was so severely disconnected, but she always seemed more relaxed and natural with me and jack around. if she didnt want to talk, she would quietly and politely tell us and leave us until she was feeling more sociable. she was a little girl, slender and short and somehow very fragile. her skin was pale with a tinge of olive, and her blue eyes were wide under her dark hair. i loved her as though she were my own. so as one can imagine, i was shocked when i was greeted by a note when i got home from work one thursday evening. it was starting to get colder and darker earlier in the evening- i would have to remember to take my gloves with me to work tomorrow- and i dragged my tired body inside and dropped all the groceries on the floor, kicking of my stilettos. i hated those shoes. i wandered around the counter to the fridge and found half a bottle of wine and set a glass down on the counter to pour one. there was a note from jack. this didnt surprise me- i was often left notes if the kids werent going to be home for dinner or if they intended on staying out late. the note read-
AMELIA, ITS ME JACK. I THINK KAT MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE. I PUT HER IN BED, AND ILL BE HOME SOON, BUT ITS A BIT OF A BIGGIE. LOVE JACK. PS, WHATS FOR DINNER?
typical jack. food first. but i was worried about kat. what sort of trouble could she be in? i poured the wine and waited for jack to come home and explain, my nerves like live wires.
KAT
i kept dreaming of jack. not the usual dreams, of memories and times we had shared, but of jack and me being a couple. in one dream it would be weird, and i would wake up from it in a cold sweat, terrified of what might happen. the next dream would have a happy ending, where i lay partially awake, and kissed jack til he was awake so i could tell him how i felt. the thing was, i didnt know how i felt. did i love jack as a friend, a brother, or did i love him romantically? the turmoil helped in some ways. whenever i was being teased or mocked at school, i would drift away in my dreams and picture jack holding my hand, kissing my mouth, my nose, my ears, my neck. i had seen him without a shirt countless times, but now i saw it differently. i saw the slight muscle building over his ribcage where the ribs were still so very noticable. i imagined putting my fingers in the little hollow of skin where his collarbones were, and touching the smooth even skin there.
i knew amelia would be overjoyed. but what if jack suddenly realised it was a mistake? what if i told him i wanted to try and be his girlfriend and he shot me down, like a falling star? but, a tiny voice said inside me what if he didnt? what if he loved you all along?
it was a constant battle inside my head. all i needed was jack to tell me how he felt so i could make my mind up after that.
i met jack at the trail after school, same as always. there were excited yelps and squeals all around me and i wondered what was going on. i looked down in my hands at the flyer we had all been given in our last class- HICKORY SCHOOL DANCE- CO-ED it read. a blonde girl shoved past me, shouldering me without seeming to notice. "oh my god! like, who are you taking? i need a dress. i need a dress NOW!!!!" her high pitched screams deafened me, and i glowered at her. so that was why. i didnt get why people were so excited about these stupid dances. sure, we didnt have them that often, but it wasnt something to get so worked up about. i spotted jack and walked up to meet him.
"hey kat." since my recent blunder he had been more short tempered with me. apparently drinking at school was a criminal offence, and he was the one to punish me, since i hadnt been caught by the school. i was being watched 24/7 and the feeling of being trapped kept chasing me. when i complained to jack, he had no sympathy.
"hey jack." i made a concerted effort to be more perky around him, more talkative.
"i see you guys got handed out the flyers too huh?" jack held no tone in his voice that would give away his view on the matter. "even the guys in my class were excited, talking about which girl they wanted to get with on the night and how they intended to- ah- woo them. pathetic."
at last! "i know, you would think these girls never danced before. all thats going to happen is they get dressed up, get their hopes up, get drunk," i winced as i saw jack flinch at the word, "and then have sex with someone they dont even know. its pathetic really."
we lapsed into silence and started the walk home. the trail was fairly empty now; everyone had disappeared to make a start on their dance plans (despite it being two weeks away).
we were nearly home, just rounding the corner, when jack stopped.
not having noticed right away, i carried on walking, then turned around when i saw he wasnt next to me. "jack?"
"hey kat, um, theres something i want to ask you."
jack never said um. never. something was up.
"yeah?" i replied slowly.
"that dance, i know i said it was stupid, but, doyouwanttogotothedancewithme?" the words tumbled out in a rush, falling on top of eachother and ended in a sudden silence.
"what? jack you cant be serious. i dont dance. you dont dance. we go to parties with our friends in jeans and sneakers and listen to obnoxious music we actually like." why was he doing this?
"dont worry. it was just a thought. let me know if you change your mind." he powered on ahead, acting overly nonchalant. i frowned and followed him. i knew it was best to leave it be now, but i could tell he was more than a little bit hurt. my ranting about how terrible it would be probably didnt do anything to lessen that.
and the truth was, i really wouldnt mind going. sure, i didnt like dresses, or dancing, or that kind of music, but i sort of wanted to be seen publicly as being with jack. not that anything was official yet, or even talked about, but i wanted a reason to hold his hand. we hurried home in silence, heads bowed against the icy autumn wind that promised a cold winter.
after dinner that night, jack seemed to be fine. we lay on the floor in his room doing our homework together- he was now tutoring me in maths since he had been put in the brainy class. i had always known he was good at math, but i never realised how good he really was. i was finding it hard to concentrate, jacks earlier proposal kept surfacing in my mind, and then i would create scenes in which it would happen, and then it would create counter-scenes where he would go with another girl. i put down my pen.
"jack, im just going downstairs to get a drink, you want one?"
"sure. whatever youre having."
as i neared the top of the stairs, i could hear amelia laughing at something she was watching on TV. instead of going right into the kitchen, i sat next to her on the couch, patiently waiting for an ad break. when one came, she turned the volume down and looked at me.
"whats up munchkin?"
"did jack talk to you about anything before?"
"like you rejecting him to the school dance?"
"that bad?"
"yeah, but he'll be ok. he knows you dont like that sort of thing anyway."
"amelia, if jack and i were to, um... get together, would you be ok with that?"
"are you already? or just planning on it?"
"not necessarily planning, but i have been thinking about what it would be like. i just dont know how he would react to it, or if you would be ok with it."
"well, i have been looking forward to hearing you say that since the day you set foot in this house missy. as for jack, i think hes been the same. he loves you kat, but im pretty sure he loves you more than just his best friend."
i sighed. "thanks amelia." i retreated to the kitchen and got two glasses of lemonade and headed upstairs to continue with the mass of homework waiting for me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Reckless (Part Eight)
i loved parties.
i know, it sounds nothing like me, but really, i do like them.
the small ones at jacks friends houses, where eight or ten of us just mucked around drinking, taking photos and playing too loud music.
personally, i just loved the drinking.
since my failed attempts, the taste and burn reminded me of losing control. yet it was in a controllable way. it was like cutting for fun, not for death. it was simply lovely.
alcohol gave the world a pleasant spin, it made if fuzzy around the edges, like a soft toy. i could be numb and i could forget.
jack hated drinking. he loved the music, and hanging out with his friends, but he never really joined in with the drinking. he would have a couple of beers, maximum.
so it meant that i could consume as much as i liked, and jack would take care of me.
it wasnt like these parties were a regualr occurrence, but it was good because i could unwind without hurting myself. reluctantly, jack agreed with this point. he didnt like me being drunk, because if i got lost, or fell over, i was helpless. i knew it put strain on him, but it was a party and i was going to have fun.
naturally it was only a matter of time before we had another party, and a few weeks after my return to school, we were invited to a friday night get-together.
it was never a dressy affair, it was the same people we hung out with all the time so i never bothered. not like i had anything dressy anyway.
we turned up at about eight, vodka in my hand and a six pack of beer in jacks.
i was well aware that this sort of situation was exactly the sort that parents hated their teenagers getting into, but mine were oblivious, and i had the vague idea that even if they did know, they wouldnt care.
i was never a heavy drinker. for several reasons. i preferred to just hang out with jack; it was only at these few parties that i would bring a bottle. also my size. i wasnt well adapted to take in large amounts of vodka, so i was limited to a few drinks before i was drunk enough to stumble everywhere.
we walked in, greeting everyone as we made our way to the kitchen. jacks friend jimmy was hosting this particular party as his parents had gone on a cruise, leaving the house blissfully adult free. we found him and said hello, casually catching up on what we had missed by turning up so late (late? it was only ten past eight!).
i set my bottle on the counter, smiling idly to myself. i felt jacks eyes on me as i did so. it was a rare occasion that i smiled, especially to myself. i poured some vodka into a glass, ignoring jacks cough when he thought i had poured enough and added some coke to make it go down a little easier. i hadnt even put the lid on when i tilted my head back and let the hot-cold effect of the alcohol take place in my throat. the icy cold liquid flowed into my stomach, setting it alight as it went. i loved it.
i recapped the bottles and put them in the fridge, joining jack to join the rest of his friends.
after two very strong drinks, i was quite gone. i started dancing to the music, not caring at all who was watching. jack didnt join in, but it didnt matter. i was having fun.
i had another two drinks, and it was getting too hard to see. i was sitting against a wall on the floor, babbling to myself. i was only slightly aware of jack sitting next to me and legs in front of me. i was comfortably numb and loving it. i managed to get up under the pretense of going to the bathroom, but snuck off to the kitchen to retrieve my bottle. i didnt bother with the coke- i tipped my head back and let the vodka flow.
"kat!"
uh-oh.
"kat stop, you'll get alcohol poisoning!" jack wrenched the bottle from my mouth.
"spoil sport." how odd. it didnt sound like that when i said it. maybe i was a little more drunk than i had thought.
"jack i wanna go home." i focused on making my voice clearer.
"home? ok. lets go kat."
god he was good to me.
he slung my arm over his shoulder and half-carried me outside, calling goodbyes as we went.
the weather outside was freezing. it was nice on my face, it was getting far too hot in there. i stumbled down the driveway, and ended up falling over.
"kat! god. im going to have to carry you. i wish you knew your limits." it didnt sound like he was talking to me.
he did carry me home, puffing up the stairs of his house and dropping me on his bed, exhausted.
"stay here a minute kat, im going to go get some water. and a bucket," he added as an afterthought.
i lay back on his bed, right in the middle. my head was lovely and floaty, very light and blurry. i smiled to myself some more. i should do this more often.
jack returned, with a bottle of water and a glass, and a blue bucket.
"kat, wake up. move over you lump."
i smiled at jack. he liked it when i smiled.
but he didnt smile back. i groaned and rolled over enough so he could squeeze on the bed. he insisted on removing my jacket and my shoes before covering me in blankets. i felt jacks knobbly knees in the back of mine and started to drift off.
"oh kat. i just want you to be happy without having to drink or to cut. i wish i could make you happy." it was barely a whisper, but it sounded nice. what a lovely dream vodka produced. i rolled over and rested my head in jacks neck. he smelt so good.
his skinny arms wrapped around me and my mind started slipping away into unconsciousness, just as jack kissed my head. life was lovely sometimes.
Life was so terrible.
my head was throbbing, mostly at my temples, and a thick poison was rising in my throat and falling back down with every breath. i fought to keep my eyes shut, because i knew that the pale grey light wouldnt help at all. all my attention was aimed and not throwing up, trying to remember why it was that i felt so sick.
"kat?"
ah. at least i was with jack. he would know what had happened. a thought occured to me and the hot burning sick rose once agin in my throat. was i in hospital again?
"kat, its ok. do you want the bucket?"
bucket? what on earth was going on? then it clicked. i was hungover. i groaned as the memory of vodka washed over me, fighting another wave of vomit. jack presented a bucket and held it under my chin, holding me up.
"you drank a fair bit last night kat. more than you have before. how are you feeling?"
absolute shit. "not too bad."
"food? or would you rather stick to water?"
"owww" i groaned. i laid back down, my head swimming. "painkillers and sleep."
after a moment of fiddling, jack produced two white pills and a glass of water. "go to sleep kat, you'll wake up when you feel a bit better."
it was dark again when i woke up, and instantly i knew i was alone. i used all of my will to keep my eyes shut. it kept me calm, and if anyone was nearby, i stood a good chance of finding out where i was at if they thought i was asleep. surely enough, i heard voices growing louder- they were travelling towards me. i listened carefully, keeping my eyes shut loosely.
"i just hope it doesnt become a habit. you know her."
a female voice followed the first, which i instantly recognized as jack. it was fairly quiet so i strained my ears further. it was amelia.
"i know you already do, better than anyone, but you just need to keep an eye on her sweetheart." the worry in her voice grew more apparent the closer they got- i could hear them on the second to last step, the one that always creaked no matter how you went about it.
"its so tiring. i love her, but sometimes i just want to take a break. but i dont want to be away from her. i couldnt stand the worry and pain it would cause, to both of us. and now alcohol. i hope she doesnt use this as another vice. you know i can only do so much. the six hours at school kills me. the only reason it doesnt drive me insane is because i know there are teachers there to keep an eye on her."
they had both come to a stop outside the door now, and their voices were clear but still soft.
jack thought i was a burden? i knew i was, but i didnt realise he wanted a holiday from me.
the sheer thought of being away from him for any amount of time caused my chest to ache, and i curled up into a tight little ball and threw myself into the scenario.
on one hand, it was great. i would have as much time as i liked to cut and cry and stay awake all night talking to myself. though, on the other, to ruin all this time now would make me have to start again, and with the addition of a therapist. i was doing this, and jack was helping me. only slightly, because i knew it was me who was making myself do it, but he was there, urging me to keep going.
i sighed and rolled over. no more alcohol. i gagged, and i felt a rush of hot, acidic bile rush up from my stomach. i let it reach the back of my mouth and swallowed it again. the vodka permeated my mouth, and i committed to memory the disgusting taste and smell of it. never again.
but with the taste came the memory of all the previous times i had tasted it. predominantly when the pills had been washed down with it. no i thought fiercely, im not going back there, i cant. my resolve was strong, but it had been strong before. you know its bad when you doubt your own thoughts and feelings.
i was suddenly sick of lying in bed and sat up slowly, feigning the slow muddled movements of someone who has just awoken. jack noticed and rushed to my side. the sheer action sent guilt rushing through my veins instantly. he shouldnt have another burden of mine to carry. so the burden of him carrying my burden became my burden.
it was late afternoon when i was sitting outside with jack. amelia had given us a canvas that had a few gashes in it, so we grabbed some tubes of paint and stood around it, creating a masterpiece.
"kat, why do you drink?"
i was shocked. he wasnt usually so outright.
"it just makes everything fuzzy and easier to deal with i guess. im not wholly conscious to deal with it. it means i get a break from my brain."
he seemed just as surprised as i was- i didnt usually say as much, or be so honest.
"you dont want to die when youre drunk?"
i thought about that. "its not that i dont want to die, i just dont think about it when im that way. im carefree."
he smiled a little, but soon remembered just what had happened when i was drunk.
"it wont happen again, jack. i dont want it to. im trying."
"i know kat, and i can help as much as i can."
"im always going to be your burden." it wasnt a complaint, it wasnt a question, more of a statement of fact. it was true. even if i managed not to seem to want to hurt myself, jack would always worry about me.
we stood in silence above our canvas, empty tubes of paint in our hands. we left it to dry and went inside to wash up for dinner. it was amelias birthday, so we were planning on making dinner for her. we had all agreed it just wasnt our style to go to a fancy restaurant for it, so we were going to make her favourite, and one she hadnt had in a while- chicken fettucine. it was fairly straightforward, but there was always room for error with us two.
after 55 minutes we had managed to cook the pasta, which was now cold and stuck together, due to our lack of timing. the pasta, we had decided, would take ages, so we put it on first. then we started on the chicken, and by the time we finished adding the sauce to it (a bubbling curdled mess) we were in stitches, throwing cold hard pasta at eachother and screaming with laughter.
"what on earth-"
amelia walked in and we stopped. we waited, frozen while she absorbed the scene before her and decided how to go about it.
"i guess its pizza?"
"still italian?" jack said hopefully.
"you know i didnt expect you two to manage to put together a whole meal. least of all one i can barely cook myself."
"we tried, we just dont have-"
"timing"
"organization"
"food preparation skills."
we stood still and then the food fight started again, all three of us flinging pasta across the kitchen until we couldnt breathe, and called the pizza place so we could eat something that wasnt dangerous.
i know, it sounds nothing like me, but really, i do like them.
the small ones at jacks friends houses, where eight or ten of us just mucked around drinking, taking photos and playing too loud music.
personally, i just loved the drinking.
since my failed attempts, the taste and burn reminded me of losing control. yet it was in a controllable way. it was like cutting for fun, not for death. it was simply lovely.
alcohol gave the world a pleasant spin, it made if fuzzy around the edges, like a soft toy. i could be numb and i could forget.
jack hated drinking. he loved the music, and hanging out with his friends, but he never really joined in with the drinking. he would have a couple of beers, maximum.
so it meant that i could consume as much as i liked, and jack would take care of me.
it wasnt like these parties were a regualr occurrence, but it was good because i could unwind without hurting myself. reluctantly, jack agreed with this point. he didnt like me being drunk, because if i got lost, or fell over, i was helpless. i knew it put strain on him, but it was a party and i was going to have fun.
naturally it was only a matter of time before we had another party, and a few weeks after my return to school, we were invited to a friday night get-together.
it was never a dressy affair, it was the same people we hung out with all the time so i never bothered. not like i had anything dressy anyway.
we turned up at about eight, vodka in my hand and a six pack of beer in jacks.
i was well aware that this sort of situation was exactly the sort that parents hated their teenagers getting into, but mine were oblivious, and i had the vague idea that even if they did know, they wouldnt care.
i was never a heavy drinker. for several reasons. i preferred to just hang out with jack; it was only at these few parties that i would bring a bottle. also my size. i wasnt well adapted to take in large amounts of vodka, so i was limited to a few drinks before i was drunk enough to stumble everywhere.
we walked in, greeting everyone as we made our way to the kitchen. jacks friend jimmy was hosting this particular party as his parents had gone on a cruise, leaving the house blissfully adult free. we found him and said hello, casually catching up on what we had missed by turning up so late (late? it was only ten past eight!).
i set my bottle on the counter, smiling idly to myself. i felt jacks eyes on me as i did so. it was a rare occasion that i smiled, especially to myself. i poured some vodka into a glass, ignoring jacks cough when he thought i had poured enough and added some coke to make it go down a little easier. i hadnt even put the lid on when i tilted my head back and let the hot-cold effect of the alcohol take place in my throat. the icy cold liquid flowed into my stomach, setting it alight as it went. i loved it.
i recapped the bottles and put them in the fridge, joining jack to join the rest of his friends.
after two very strong drinks, i was quite gone. i started dancing to the music, not caring at all who was watching. jack didnt join in, but it didnt matter. i was having fun.
i had another two drinks, and it was getting too hard to see. i was sitting against a wall on the floor, babbling to myself. i was only slightly aware of jack sitting next to me and legs in front of me. i was comfortably numb and loving it. i managed to get up under the pretense of going to the bathroom, but snuck off to the kitchen to retrieve my bottle. i didnt bother with the coke- i tipped my head back and let the vodka flow.
"kat!"
uh-oh.
"kat stop, you'll get alcohol poisoning!" jack wrenched the bottle from my mouth.
"spoil sport." how odd. it didnt sound like that when i said it. maybe i was a little more drunk than i had thought.
"jack i wanna go home." i focused on making my voice clearer.
"home? ok. lets go kat."
god he was good to me.
he slung my arm over his shoulder and half-carried me outside, calling goodbyes as we went.
the weather outside was freezing. it was nice on my face, it was getting far too hot in there. i stumbled down the driveway, and ended up falling over.
"kat! god. im going to have to carry you. i wish you knew your limits." it didnt sound like he was talking to me.
he did carry me home, puffing up the stairs of his house and dropping me on his bed, exhausted.
"stay here a minute kat, im going to go get some water. and a bucket," he added as an afterthought.
i lay back on his bed, right in the middle. my head was lovely and floaty, very light and blurry. i smiled to myself some more. i should do this more often.
jack returned, with a bottle of water and a glass, and a blue bucket.
"kat, wake up. move over you lump."
i smiled at jack. he liked it when i smiled.
but he didnt smile back. i groaned and rolled over enough so he could squeeze on the bed. he insisted on removing my jacket and my shoes before covering me in blankets. i felt jacks knobbly knees in the back of mine and started to drift off.
"oh kat. i just want you to be happy without having to drink or to cut. i wish i could make you happy." it was barely a whisper, but it sounded nice. what a lovely dream vodka produced. i rolled over and rested my head in jacks neck. he smelt so good.
his skinny arms wrapped around me and my mind started slipping away into unconsciousness, just as jack kissed my head. life was lovely sometimes.
Life was so terrible.
my head was throbbing, mostly at my temples, and a thick poison was rising in my throat and falling back down with every breath. i fought to keep my eyes shut, because i knew that the pale grey light wouldnt help at all. all my attention was aimed and not throwing up, trying to remember why it was that i felt so sick.
"kat?"
ah. at least i was with jack. he would know what had happened. a thought occured to me and the hot burning sick rose once agin in my throat. was i in hospital again?
"kat, its ok. do you want the bucket?"
bucket? what on earth was going on? then it clicked. i was hungover. i groaned as the memory of vodka washed over me, fighting another wave of vomit. jack presented a bucket and held it under my chin, holding me up.
"you drank a fair bit last night kat. more than you have before. how are you feeling?"
absolute shit. "not too bad."
"food? or would you rather stick to water?"
"owww" i groaned. i laid back down, my head swimming. "painkillers and sleep."
after a moment of fiddling, jack produced two white pills and a glass of water. "go to sleep kat, you'll wake up when you feel a bit better."
it was dark again when i woke up, and instantly i knew i was alone. i used all of my will to keep my eyes shut. it kept me calm, and if anyone was nearby, i stood a good chance of finding out where i was at if they thought i was asleep. surely enough, i heard voices growing louder- they were travelling towards me. i listened carefully, keeping my eyes shut loosely.
"i just hope it doesnt become a habit. you know her."
a female voice followed the first, which i instantly recognized as jack. it was fairly quiet so i strained my ears further. it was amelia.
"i know you already do, better than anyone, but you just need to keep an eye on her sweetheart." the worry in her voice grew more apparent the closer they got- i could hear them on the second to last step, the one that always creaked no matter how you went about it.
"its so tiring. i love her, but sometimes i just want to take a break. but i dont want to be away from her. i couldnt stand the worry and pain it would cause, to both of us. and now alcohol. i hope she doesnt use this as another vice. you know i can only do so much. the six hours at school kills me. the only reason it doesnt drive me insane is because i know there are teachers there to keep an eye on her."
they had both come to a stop outside the door now, and their voices were clear but still soft.
jack thought i was a burden? i knew i was, but i didnt realise he wanted a holiday from me.
the sheer thought of being away from him for any amount of time caused my chest to ache, and i curled up into a tight little ball and threw myself into the scenario.
on one hand, it was great. i would have as much time as i liked to cut and cry and stay awake all night talking to myself. though, on the other, to ruin all this time now would make me have to start again, and with the addition of a therapist. i was doing this, and jack was helping me. only slightly, because i knew it was me who was making myself do it, but he was there, urging me to keep going.
i sighed and rolled over. no more alcohol. i gagged, and i felt a rush of hot, acidic bile rush up from my stomach. i let it reach the back of my mouth and swallowed it again. the vodka permeated my mouth, and i committed to memory the disgusting taste and smell of it. never again.
but with the taste came the memory of all the previous times i had tasted it. predominantly when the pills had been washed down with it. no i thought fiercely, im not going back there, i cant. my resolve was strong, but it had been strong before. you know its bad when you doubt your own thoughts and feelings.
i was suddenly sick of lying in bed and sat up slowly, feigning the slow muddled movements of someone who has just awoken. jack noticed and rushed to my side. the sheer action sent guilt rushing through my veins instantly. he shouldnt have another burden of mine to carry. so the burden of him carrying my burden became my burden.
it was late afternoon when i was sitting outside with jack. amelia had given us a canvas that had a few gashes in it, so we grabbed some tubes of paint and stood around it, creating a masterpiece.
"kat, why do you drink?"
i was shocked. he wasnt usually so outright.
"it just makes everything fuzzy and easier to deal with i guess. im not wholly conscious to deal with it. it means i get a break from my brain."
he seemed just as surprised as i was- i didnt usually say as much, or be so honest.
"you dont want to die when youre drunk?"
i thought about that. "its not that i dont want to die, i just dont think about it when im that way. im carefree."
he smiled a little, but soon remembered just what had happened when i was drunk.
"it wont happen again, jack. i dont want it to. im trying."
"i know kat, and i can help as much as i can."
"im always going to be your burden." it wasnt a complaint, it wasnt a question, more of a statement of fact. it was true. even if i managed not to seem to want to hurt myself, jack would always worry about me.
we stood in silence above our canvas, empty tubes of paint in our hands. we left it to dry and went inside to wash up for dinner. it was amelias birthday, so we were planning on making dinner for her. we had all agreed it just wasnt our style to go to a fancy restaurant for it, so we were going to make her favourite, and one she hadnt had in a while- chicken fettucine. it was fairly straightforward, but there was always room for error with us two.
after 55 minutes we had managed to cook the pasta, which was now cold and stuck together, due to our lack of timing. the pasta, we had decided, would take ages, so we put it on first. then we started on the chicken, and by the time we finished adding the sauce to it (a bubbling curdled mess) we were in stitches, throwing cold hard pasta at eachother and screaming with laughter.
"what on earth-"
amelia walked in and we stopped. we waited, frozen while she absorbed the scene before her and decided how to go about it.
"i guess its pizza?"
"still italian?" jack said hopefully.
"you know i didnt expect you two to manage to put together a whole meal. least of all one i can barely cook myself."
"we tried, we just dont have-"
"timing"
"organization"
"food preparation skills."
we stood still and then the food fight started again, all three of us flinging pasta across the kitchen until we couldnt breathe, and called the pizza place so we could eat something that wasnt dangerous.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Reckless (Part Seven)
going back to school after four weeks is a little like walking into a party that you thought was fancy dress, when really it was just 'dress fancy'. everyone stares, and no matter how insignificant you thought you were, all eyes remain on you at all times.
i kept my head down, sat at the back of every class and stayed out of the public eye as much as possible. but the whispers followed me everywhere i tried to escape.
"did you hear? ellen said she went to rehab!"
"coke? p?"
"nah, apparently it was alcohol."
"i heard she was in france?"
"yeah, in a centre maybe!"
"god, its pathetic isnt it?"
"yeah."
yeah, it is, i thought. could they not come up with more lucrative rumours?
still, the words sent signals to my brain. signals that set my whole body alight with pain and an urge to cut so powerful that i knew if i didnt do it soon, i would implode.
hastily, i rushed to the bathrooms. old dog, new tricks. though the routine and familiarity of it sent shockwaves through me, i pulled my cellphone out and called jack.
"jack."
"fuck. how bad kat?"
"i havent. i just need you right now. not even here, but i can hear your voice. i want to go back home. even to the hospital. i would rather endure the pitying stares and the overly helpful nurses than have everyone whispering and glaring at me. i feel sick jack."
"you want me to come see you?"
"yes. but no, ive already kept you off school long enough. ill be ok. just, keep texting me ok? reassurance and such."
"ok. be safe kat. love."
i hung up and looked in the mirror. the bags under my eyes seemed more prominent under the fluorescents; my skin almost see through. my hair, though only a dark brown, took on a blackish tinge, and my lips were drained of colour. god i thought, i look like death warmed up. i put on some cheap chapstick and gnawed on my lip until they looked a little pinker. there really wasnt much else i could do, but it really didnt matter. even if i was attractive, the stares would be the same.
when the final bell rang, i fled. as fast as my little legs would take me, i ran to meet jack. the urgency in his eyes was so vivid- it was like he had written the question on his forehead.
"did you?"
i smiled the smallest smile. it wasnt so much a triumph for me- no, it was pure hell- but the look on jacks face broke me. he was exuberant.
he hugged me tight.
"one day feels like an eternity. i dont see how i am going to do this every day."
he grasped my shoulders tightly and held me at arms reach. "kat, one day, one day is amazing. youre doing this. ok? you are getting this. and besides, its been longer than one day. you know that. now lets go do something. its hot, and your house is stuffy enough as it is."
we wandered home, plenty of time to kill, just letting the pale sun warm our faces. we didnt really need to talk. i never liked asking about his day, for two reasons. 1) he always managed to twist the question so that he was asking me. so i opted for the more convienient option- 2) listen to when amelia asked about it. it saved me the frustration of being asked the same thing, and saved jack from repeating himself. it was a win-win situation.
at his house, we grabbed a tub of icecream and sat out in his tiny back yard. it was a mess.
the grass was overgrown- ankle deep- there were broken pottery projects that had been thrown out here in anger at it being a "failure", for me and jack to later destroy further by throwing it and the concrete block at the back. there was a small garage filled with blank canvas, paints, craft bits and bobs, and an old computer.
among all of this was two old deck chairs facing the wooden back fence (which was twice the height of me). on sunny days like this, we would sit out here together and plan our fture, pretending like the towering fence was our pool, our ocean views, a glowing sunset, or whatever it was we felt like dreaming up that day. our little paradise.
i put down my spoon. my eyes were closed and i wore a small frown.
"kat? whats up?"
i sighed. nothing was up. the sun was bright. but jack wouldnt take that.
"i just hate having to go home, thats all."
it was true. since i had left the hospital, i had been nearly living at jacks. my mother had taken to hovering. i was trapped and it wasnt helping. so i moved in with him. sort of. two nights a week, i was to attend family dinners with my parents, no jack, no amelia, just the family. i detested these nights. mom and dad would show off, cooking some ridiculously fancy dinner, make rehearsed small talk, then fall into an uneasy, awkward silence. it was like school all over again.
but i obeyed, because they were my parents, and they were paying my way. apparently i was too unstable for a job, so they paid amelia for the food i ate, clothes i wore, and other small expenses. they also fed $50 a week into my account, for reasons unknown. i simply assumed they were being helpful in the only way they knew how.
so life had settled into a regular rythm, boring, repetitive, but it was sort of comforting.
it was one of the things i used to try and calm myself down at night, when i was huddled in a ball on jacks bed, crying.
i attemped suicide.
twice.
and failed.
twice.
my parents hate me.
i have no home.
i hate myself.
everyone in this tiny fucking town hates me and i hate this tiny fucking town.
i tried to contradict these thoughts. i really did.
if i had died, jack would have too.
i survived twice.
i have parents.
they have money, which i suppose is a good thing.
my home is with jack and amelia.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
really, i did try.
then jack would hug me until i fell asleep, and it counted as another day without self harm.
following these nights, was a morning. grey, lazy light peered through gaps in the curtains far too early, and woke me immediately. i had practised lying still, keeping my breathing even, so that jack would remain none the wiser. i used the time between waking up and actually getting up to compose myself. same drill as the night previous. because getting up and living was just far too hard to just do. i needed preparation, time, and to get rid of the voices in my head long enough to try to convince myself that i could do it. giving yourself a pep talk makes you feel so much worse. when all you want to do is ruin things and hurt things and smash things to pieces, hearing bright bubbly thoughts, especially from your own head, is tormenting.
all i had to do was tell myself- get up. survive another day.
it took so long, but i needed that time to just try. uninterrupted.
i was only getting five or six hours of sleep a night, but it never seemed to catch up on me.
after my daily composure session, i managed to fall back into a light sleep. semi-consciousness. when the alarm went off at seven fifteen, i faked a ywan and a grumble and huddled under the sheets further. i hated getting out of bed; it was even worse than waking up.
"come on kat. youre going to make us late."
false. we had never been late to school, ever. but i let him drag me out so we could start the day.
school was mind numbing. i had managed to catch up fairly quickly, despite having missed a whole month of school. that was the plus side of living with jack. he was a nerd and rubbed off on me, convincing me that it wasnt even hard, and it would help to take my mind off things. it never did.
so with jacks help, not only had i caught up, i always found homework for each class. i would read a few extra chapters, or preview my math homework, or find ways to avoid the ball in anticipation for soccer coming up in gym. so by the time the weekend rolled around, we had nothing but free time.
every now and then, jack would ask me abruptly- "show me your arms. have you been cutting?" i took this as a sign that i wasnt hiding it well enough, and tried harder to maintain it. in truth, there were some aspects that were getting easier to deal with. the fact that i was staying alive indefinitely, and the fact that i was trying, for jack. but thats where the line was drawn. i thought about cutting constantly. i would scrape my nails over old scars, trying to re-feel the pain, i would run cold metal objects aross my skin when no one was watching, just to feel the sense of familiarity. it was a burning desire, and i was never allowed to forget just how much i wanted it.
talking to jack was hard too.
in the beginning, when i had first started my to do list, i opened up quite easily. but now, after four weeks, i felt as though progress should have been made. it hadnt, but i figured jack would love it. so, bit by bit, i began hiding things from him again. or telling him things he would like to hear.
"when we are old and grey, we will tell all our neighbours rumours about our other neighbours. start street scandals." i would say to him. the fact that i was thinking about us becoming old together delighted him. i just wanted to please him.
we were walking to school, just passing by the corner we used to have to meet at, and joined the throng of students walking in the same direction. conversation was difficult, so we just walked. i looked up at jack, who was beaming. how can he just be so happy? for no apparent reason, he is just smiling to himself. i dont understand it at all.
and then i was flying through the air.
a tiny crack of pavement had risen up, just enough for my shoe to catch on and send me towards the ground. my hands rushed out to break my fall, but too little too late. my knees bent and skidded across the coarse concrete, ripping them open. jack bent down immediately, so much more fluid than my own trip to the ground.
"kat? are you alright?"
i rolled over as people walked past us, frustrated more than anything that i had interrupted the flow of the crowd. my knees were pouring with thick, crimson blood, streaming down my bare legs and staining my white socks. i stared at them, enchanted. i had missed this colour, this feeling so much more than i had realised. stunned, i watched my bloody knees while jack removed his bag and fished around inside. he removed a drink bottle and his gym shirt and washed away the beautiful mess. he wrapped the knee that was the worst and moved to pick me up in his arms.
"what are you doing! no way am i letting you carry me to school!"
"dont be stupid, we are going to your house to patch you up."
"jack dont be ridiculous, we are going to be late for school."
"im sure theyll understand, ill give the a ring and explain that we wont be too long."
"fine. but youre not carrying me. i tripped, im not parapalegic."
i hobbled back down the short distance we had come since the corner and turned onto my road.
once in the house, we headed upstairs to my bathroom.
jack sat me on the edge of the sink and set to work on my knees with a first aid kit. i leant back against the mirror and remembered the blood.
"kat?" jacks voice was soft.
"mmm?"
"you liked the blood didnt you?"
i was shocked. maybe i had stared too long?
"i saw you. it was like you missed it, like it missed you."
i remained quiet.
"you need to stop pretending with me kat. i dont mind if youre still in the same exact state you were in three weeks ago, but i need to know. i need to know how youre feeling, to react to what you say. it helps me too you know."
he was standing in front of me now, his face level with mine. he shone his dark eyes at me, sombre and caring.
"i know. but it makes you happy when i smile, or when i act happy or say something funny. i like seeing you smile jack."
"but youre not doing this for me kat, youre doing it for yourself."
"i know." i bowed my head. i couldnt bear looking at him when he was so concerned.
he lifted my chin and forced my gaze to meet his. "i care about you kat, ok, just be honest, thats all i ask."
i nodded. my throat was blocked for some reason. i became suddenly aware of everything. my hands we resting on my legs, jacks hands on top of mine. jack was standing as close as possible without touching my knees. and our faces were very close together.
what? no, no, no, dont kiss jack! no! its jack!
i realised and pulled away just slightly, pretending to lean against the mirror, letting it cool my back.
jack picked up my hands and flipped them over. "let me just get the gravel out of your hands and then we can head to school. it will sting later if we dont."
he pored over my grazed palms and removed anything that wasnt suposed to be there. my mind was racing.
was jack really going to kiss me?
why?
what is kissing like?
why me?
jack could have anyone.
i didnt want to.
did i?
did i?
JACK
there had been many occasions when i thought about kat.
not as my friend.
not as my sister.
but as someone who could very well be my girlfriend.
it was simply unavoidable. all our friends, teachers, parents and even peers would comment on how we were perfect for one another, how we were practically dating anyway, how we suited eachother better than most other couples.
we had come to an unspoken agreement, me and kat. we werent getting together, so it was best just to ignore these remarks and comments. but, as a teenage boy, i coulnt help but let my mind wander.
kat was attractive. gorgeous (not that she would ever agree or even see where i was coming from)
i knew her better than anyone. maybe even herself.
we spent most nights together, and now we were living together.
but throughout the years, we had never had a physical relationship.
huddling up with kat at nights was natural. but it always caught me by surprise when i got an undeniable urge to kiss her neck, or to stare into her dark eyes and tell her exactly how i felt. not that i knew. kat was my best friend. but were these urges ones of the typical teenage boy, or was i really truly falling in love with kat?
KAT
since the day i had scraped my knee up, i had had two major things on my mind. obviously, there were plenty of other things going on up there, but it always came down to the two.
firstly was my fixation on blood. i craved it. i needed it outside, so visible to me, so rich and delicate. i would try and nick my knees while i shaved, or clumsily walk to school or pick the scabs that were forming. just seeing the thick crimson stream erupting from my cream coloured skin set my heart on fire.
the second thing was jack.
i knew that if i hadnt realised when i did, jack and i would have kissed. and the crazy thing is, i had no idea how on earth i felt about that. i had pulled away. was it fear of the unknown? i knew jack had kissed girls before, but i hadnt kissed anyone ever. i was acting weird around him now. i was scared he could read my mind, so i emphasised how good a friend he was. jack wasnt acting weird at all. he just thought i was.
i slept terribly. i writhed around desperate to sleep, but couldnt shake the thought of jack and i together. a million different scenarios popped into my head and were immediately replaced by another.
i was so lost. but at least it distracted me from my bloodlust.
i kept my head down, sat at the back of every class and stayed out of the public eye as much as possible. but the whispers followed me everywhere i tried to escape.
"did you hear? ellen said she went to rehab!"
"coke? p?"
"nah, apparently it was alcohol."
"i heard she was in france?"
"yeah, in a centre maybe!"
"god, its pathetic isnt it?"
"yeah."
yeah, it is, i thought. could they not come up with more lucrative rumours?
still, the words sent signals to my brain. signals that set my whole body alight with pain and an urge to cut so powerful that i knew if i didnt do it soon, i would implode.
hastily, i rushed to the bathrooms. old dog, new tricks. though the routine and familiarity of it sent shockwaves through me, i pulled my cellphone out and called jack.
"jack."
"fuck. how bad kat?"
"i havent. i just need you right now. not even here, but i can hear your voice. i want to go back home. even to the hospital. i would rather endure the pitying stares and the overly helpful nurses than have everyone whispering and glaring at me. i feel sick jack."
"you want me to come see you?"
"yes. but no, ive already kept you off school long enough. ill be ok. just, keep texting me ok? reassurance and such."
"ok. be safe kat. love."
i hung up and looked in the mirror. the bags under my eyes seemed more prominent under the fluorescents; my skin almost see through. my hair, though only a dark brown, took on a blackish tinge, and my lips were drained of colour. god i thought, i look like death warmed up. i put on some cheap chapstick and gnawed on my lip until they looked a little pinker. there really wasnt much else i could do, but it really didnt matter. even if i was attractive, the stares would be the same.
when the final bell rang, i fled. as fast as my little legs would take me, i ran to meet jack. the urgency in his eyes was so vivid- it was like he had written the question on his forehead.
"did you?"
i smiled the smallest smile. it wasnt so much a triumph for me- no, it was pure hell- but the look on jacks face broke me. he was exuberant.
he hugged me tight.
"one day feels like an eternity. i dont see how i am going to do this every day."
he grasped my shoulders tightly and held me at arms reach. "kat, one day, one day is amazing. youre doing this. ok? you are getting this. and besides, its been longer than one day. you know that. now lets go do something. its hot, and your house is stuffy enough as it is."
we wandered home, plenty of time to kill, just letting the pale sun warm our faces. we didnt really need to talk. i never liked asking about his day, for two reasons. 1) he always managed to twist the question so that he was asking me. so i opted for the more convienient option- 2) listen to when amelia asked about it. it saved me the frustration of being asked the same thing, and saved jack from repeating himself. it was a win-win situation.
at his house, we grabbed a tub of icecream and sat out in his tiny back yard. it was a mess.
the grass was overgrown- ankle deep- there were broken pottery projects that had been thrown out here in anger at it being a "failure", for me and jack to later destroy further by throwing it and the concrete block at the back. there was a small garage filled with blank canvas, paints, craft bits and bobs, and an old computer.
among all of this was two old deck chairs facing the wooden back fence (which was twice the height of me). on sunny days like this, we would sit out here together and plan our fture, pretending like the towering fence was our pool, our ocean views, a glowing sunset, or whatever it was we felt like dreaming up that day. our little paradise.
i put down my spoon. my eyes were closed and i wore a small frown.
"kat? whats up?"
i sighed. nothing was up. the sun was bright. but jack wouldnt take that.
"i just hate having to go home, thats all."
it was true. since i had left the hospital, i had been nearly living at jacks. my mother had taken to hovering. i was trapped and it wasnt helping. so i moved in with him. sort of. two nights a week, i was to attend family dinners with my parents, no jack, no amelia, just the family. i detested these nights. mom and dad would show off, cooking some ridiculously fancy dinner, make rehearsed small talk, then fall into an uneasy, awkward silence. it was like school all over again.
but i obeyed, because they were my parents, and they were paying my way. apparently i was too unstable for a job, so they paid amelia for the food i ate, clothes i wore, and other small expenses. they also fed $50 a week into my account, for reasons unknown. i simply assumed they were being helpful in the only way they knew how.
so life had settled into a regular rythm, boring, repetitive, but it was sort of comforting.
it was one of the things i used to try and calm myself down at night, when i was huddled in a ball on jacks bed, crying.
i attemped suicide.
twice.
and failed.
twice.
my parents hate me.
i have no home.
i hate myself.
everyone in this tiny fucking town hates me and i hate this tiny fucking town.
i tried to contradict these thoughts. i really did.
if i had died, jack would have too.
i survived twice.
i have parents.
they have money, which i suppose is a good thing.
my home is with jack and amelia.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself.
really, i did try.
then jack would hug me until i fell asleep, and it counted as another day without self harm.
following these nights, was a morning. grey, lazy light peered through gaps in the curtains far too early, and woke me immediately. i had practised lying still, keeping my breathing even, so that jack would remain none the wiser. i used the time between waking up and actually getting up to compose myself. same drill as the night previous. because getting up and living was just far too hard to just do. i needed preparation, time, and to get rid of the voices in my head long enough to try to convince myself that i could do it. giving yourself a pep talk makes you feel so much worse. when all you want to do is ruin things and hurt things and smash things to pieces, hearing bright bubbly thoughts, especially from your own head, is tormenting.
all i had to do was tell myself- get up. survive another day.
it took so long, but i needed that time to just try. uninterrupted.
i was only getting five or six hours of sleep a night, but it never seemed to catch up on me.
after my daily composure session, i managed to fall back into a light sleep. semi-consciousness. when the alarm went off at seven fifteen, i faked a ywan and a grumble and huddled under the sheets further. i hated getting out of bed; it was even worse than waking up.
"come on kat. youre going to make us late."
false. we had never been late to school, ever. but i let him drag me out so we could start the day.
school was mind numbing. i had managed to catch up fairly quickly, despite having missed a whole month of school. that was the plus side of living with jack. he was a nerd and rubbed off on me, convincing me that it wasnt even hard, and it would help to take my mind off things. it never did.
so with jacks help, not only had i caught up, i always found homework for each class. i would read a few extra chapters, or preview my math homework, or find ways to avoid the ball in anticipation for soccer coming up in gym. so by the time the weekend rolled around, we had nothing but free time.
every now and then, jack would ask me abruptly- "show me your arms. have you been cutting?" i took this as a sign that i wasnt hiding it well enough, and tried harder to maintain it. in truth, there were some aspects that were getting easier to deal with. the fact that i was staying alive indefinitely, and the fact that i was trying, for jack. but thats where the line was drawn. i thought about cutting constantly. i would scrape my nails over old scars, trying to re-feel the pain, i would run cold metal objects aross my skin when no one was watching, just to feel the sense of familiarity. it was a burning desire, and i was never allowed to forget just how much i wanted it.
talking to jack was hard too.
in the beginning, when i had first started my to do list, i opened up quite easily. but now, after four weeks, i felt as though progress should have been made. it hadnt, but i figured jack would love it. so, bit by bit, i began hiding things from him again. or telling him things he would like to hear.
"when we are old and grey, we will tell all our neighbours rumours about our other neighbours. start street scandals." i would say to him. the fact that i was thinking about us becoming old together delighted him. i just wanted to please him.
we were walking to school, just passing by the corner we used to have to meet at, and joined the throng of students walking in the same direction. conversation was difficult, so we just walked. i looked up at jack, who was beaming. how can he just be so happy? for no apparent reason, he is just smiling to himself. i dont understand it at all.
and then i was flying through the air.
a tiny crack of pavement had risen up, just enough for my shoe to catch on and send me towards the ground. my hands rushed out to break my fall, but too little too late. my knees bent and skidded across the coarse concrete, ripping them open. jack bent down immediately, so much more fluid than my own trip to the ground.
"kat? are you alright?"
i rolled over as people walked past us, frustrated more than anything that i had interrupted the flow of the crowd. my knees were pouring with thick, crimson blood, streaming down my bare legs and staining my white socks. i stared at them, enchanted. i had missed this colour, this feeling so much more than i had realised. stunned, i watched my bloody knees while jack removed his bag and fished around inside. he removed a drink bottle and his gym shirt and washed away the beautiful mess. he wrapped the knee that was the worst and moved to pick me up in his arms.
"what are you doing! no way am i letting you carry me to school!"
"dont be stupid, we are going to your house to patch you up."
"jack dont be ridiculous, we are going to be late for school."
"im sure theyll understand, ill give the a ring and explain that we wont be too long."
"fine. but youre not carrying me. i tripped, im not parapalegic."
i hobbled back down the short distance we had come since the corner and turned onto my road.
once in the house, we headed upstairs to my bathroom.
jack sat me on the edge of the sink and set to work on my knees with a first aid kit. i leant back against the mirror and remembered the blood.
"kat?" jacks voice was soft.
"mmm?"
"you liked the blood didnt you?"
i was shocked. maybe i had stared too long?
"i saw you. it was like you missed it, like it missed you."
i remained quiet.
"you need to stop pretending with me kat. i dont mind if youre still in the same exact state you were in three weeks ago, but i need to know. i need to know how youre feeling, to react to what you say. it helps me too you know."
he was standing in front of me now, his face level with mine. he shone his dark eyes at me, sombre and caring.
"i know. but it makes you happy when i smile, or when i act happy or say something funny. i like seeing you smile jack."
"but youre not doing this for me kat, youre doing it for yourself."
"i know." i bowed my head. i couldnt bear looking at him when he was so concerned.
he lifted my chin and forced my gaze to meet his. "i care about you kat, ok, just be honest, thats all i ask."
i nodded. my throat was blocked for some reason. i became suddenly aware of everything. my hands we resting on my legs, jacks hands on top of mine. jack was standing as close as possible without touching my knees. and our faces were very close together.
what? no, no, no, dont kiss jack! no! its jack!
i realised and pulled away just slightly, pretending to lean against the mirror, letting it cool my back.
jack picked up my hands and flipped them over. "let me just get the gravel out of your hands and then we can head to school. it will sting later if we dont."
he pored over my grazed palms and removed anything that wasnt suposed to be there. my mind was racing.
was jack really going to kiss me?
why?
what is kissing like?
why me?
jack could have anyone.
i didnt want to.
did i?
did i?
JACK
there had been many occasions when i thought about kat.
not as my friend.
not as my sister.
but as someone who could very well be my girlfriend.
it was simply unavoidable. all our friends, teachers, parents and even peers would comment on how we were perfect for one another, how we were practically dating anyway, how we suited eachother better than most other couples.
we had come to an unspoken agreement, me and kat. we werent getting together, so it was best just to ignore these remarks and comments. but, as a teenage boy, i coulnt help but let my mind wander.
kat was attractive. gorgeous (not that she would ever agree or even see where i was coming from)
i knew her better than anyone. maybe even herself.
we spent most nights together, and now we were living together.
but throughout the years, we had never had a physical relationship.
huddling up with kat at nights was natural. but it always caught me by surprise when i got an undeniable urge to kiss her neck, or to stare into her dark eyes and tell her exactly how i felt. not that i knew. kat was my best friend. but were these urges ones of the typical teenage boy, or was i really truly falling in love with kat?
KAT
since the day i had scraped my knee up, i had had two major things on my mind. obviously, there were plenty of other things going on up there, but it always came down to the two.
firstly was my fixation on blood. i craved it. i needed it outside, so visible to me, so rich and delicate. i would try and nick my knees while i shaved, or clumsily walk to school or pick the scabs that were forming. just seeing the thick crimson stream erupting from my cream coloured skin set my heart on fire.
the second thing was jack.
i knew that if i hadnt realised when i did, jack and i would have kissed. and the crazy thing is, i had no idea how on earth i felt about that. i had pulled away. was it fear of the unknown? i knew jack had kissed girls before, but i hadnt kissed anyone ever. i was acting weird around him now. i was scared he could read my mind, so i emphasised how good a friend he was. jack wasnt acting weird at all. he just thought i was.
i slept terribly. i writhed around desperate to sleep, but couldnt shake the thought of jack and i together. a million different scenarios popped into my head and were immediately replaced by another.
i was so lost. but at least it distracted me from my bloodlust.
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