Reckless (Part Ten)

JACK


i dont know why i didnt expect it. kat isnt the sort of girl who goes to dances. i knew this, i knew it so well, it was so obvious. then why did i want it so badly? the truth is, since kat had fallen over and i had nearly kissed her in her bathroom, i had been constantly thinking about her in ways i know i shouldnt. she trusts me as her best friend, and, just like a guy would, i cant stop thinkng about her in a completely inappropriate way. i was furious at myself, and even angry at kat because she couldnt see just how much i wanted her. the more i thought about it, the more i realised it.
so while all the screaming was going on in my head, i had to act normal on the outside. i had told kat it was fine if she didnt want to go to the dance, and i had told amelia too, and i had to act like i wasnt madly in love with my best friend, to everyone. i was terrified of slipping up to someone.
but all these years of pretending had given me practise, so i just got on with it.

kat was upstairs showering, so i decided to tell amelia. she would find out eventually anyway.
it was just before dinner, and the macaroni cheese was nearly done, the smell was making my stomach grumble.
"honey, maybe she was just scared. its not something you would usually ask her is it?"
"no, but i was sort of hoping she would ask me why i did it, or at least not flat out laugh at me like that."
"why did you do it?"
"what?"
"why do you want to take kat to the dance?"
oh fuck. i hated taking about this with amelia. i never knew if she would tell kat or not.
"well i like her. and i think i like her more than just as friends."
"but she doesnt feel the same way?"
"i havent asked, or even told her how i feel. although i did almost kiss her one time..."
"really? when? not important." amelia brushed her hair off her face and looked me dead in the eye. "if you dont tell her, youre going to go crazy. and if someone else were to come along and like kat, you would have missed your chance. the regret would kill you jack. im not saying run up there now and proclaim your love for her- yes i know youre in love with her, im not an idiot- but you might just be running out of time. you need to trust that your friendship is strong enough that, if she happens to not feel the same way, you two can keep being friends without it being weird."
see, i knew she was right, and essentially, thats what i had been thinking ever since the bathroom incident, amelia just happened to clear it all up for me and say it better than my head was.
"thanks. god i hate this."
it was silent for a while as i day dreamed of me and kat together. my heart raced at the mere thought of it. i knew this was the real deal, i just hoped kat felt the same way.
amelia set the table and poured drinks, and i went upstairs to wash up and get kat.
she was wrapped up in a white towel, and her dark wet hair clung to her skin. she smelled the way she always did, but somehow it was having a very different effect on me. i had seen her like this thousands of times, but the strain of staying away from her nearly killed me. in my head i walked towards her, pressed my body against hers, held her little head in my hands and kissed her. it was so vivid i was convinced it had actually happened. my lips were tingling with want and i felt like i had breathed in some kind of chemical that made my head feel like it was floating. and kat was just standing there towelling her hair, looking at me waiting for me to say something.
"jack? you ok?"
"dinner" was all i managed to croak out of my dry mouth.
"sure. ill be there in a minute, give me a sec to get changed."
i convinced my legs to carry me down the stairs, gasping for breath.
what had just happened?
why now?
i had seen her fifteen minutes before and i had been fine.
your mother knows, its been said, its finally real. theres no ignoring this now jack, grow a pair and tell her. i shook my head.
amelia laughed at the sight of me as i sat down at the table.
"jack! you look like you fell down the stairs!"
"so youre laughing?"
"im sorry, i dont mean to, you just look so funny. relax, or shes going to get curious."
i reached for the macaroni and spooned it into plates for the three of us and began shovelling it into my mouth, ignoring the burning sensation as i did so.
kat flopped into the room in her slippers, jeans and one of my hoodies. she looked so cute.
"thanks amelia, this is just what i felt like" kat said through a mouthful of pasta and cheese sauce.
the next few hours passed in a blur. we watched tv i dont remember, then we did homework upstairs on my floor. i lay next to her, and found it so extrememly difficult to keep my mind on the task at hand. i kept getting extreme urges to roll on top of her, pin her down and tell her how i felt inbetween kisses. then i imagined her doing the same to me. i was going crazy.
kat went to get us a drink, and when she came back, i was lying in my back, staring at the ceiling, the light giving me a headache that seemed lightyears away. i closed my eyes. how was i going to get to sleep tonight?
the light behind my eyes dimmed, and i opened them to see kat standing over me, grinning. she had two glasses in her hands and her feet on either side of my knees. it was so hard with her so close to me to focus on reality.
"im tired. we can finish this homework tomorrow night kat. lets go to bed."
she looked put out when i said this. i was making her unhappy. my chest nearly imploded.
"or we can stay up and finish if you like?"
"no, i was really concentrating on this anyway."


KAT


jack was acting so weird. he kept staring at me, and wasnt talking as much. he hardly touched me, and avoided the room if i was getting changed or putting on makeup. he and amelia would stop talking when i entered the room, and amelia was acting funny too. it was frustrating, because when i asked about it, they implied i was going crazy.
school was becoming harder to deal with. the frenzy levels got higher every day, and scandals were rippling through the school like bush fires. cat fights broke out in the cafeteria, break ups and hook ups were being announced and dresses were being smuggled into the school. the teachers had nearly given up trying to teach anything, because the dance seemed to be all anyone could talk about. on my way to english one day, two teachers who were chaperoning were gossiping about dresses and dates. i wanted to escape.
i sat amelia down one night. jack was out skateboarding, and i had a pressing issue i wanted to bring up with her.
"hey amelia, ive been thinking, if jack and me do get together, would you mind? like, we sleep in the same bed. its never been weird, but would you mind?"
"woah, you have been thinking about this havent you love? no, i wouldnt mind so much. youre both old enough and wise enough to make your own decisions. just please dont go rushing into anything ok?"
"im freaking out amelia. ive been thinking about it non stop, and i might want to go to the dance with him. i dont know how to do this sort of thing though. what if im not good at it?"
"good at what?"
"being a girlfriend."
"sweetie, its just the same as being friends, you just kiss. honestly. go with it ok?"
"one more thing."
"yes?"
"can you help me find a dress?"


JACK

amelia hushed me into the kitchen. i nearly tripped up on her stack of clean canvases as i was ushered into my own house.
"kat is confused. when is the dance?"
oh god my mother had stopped making sense. "what?"
"the dance. when is it?"
"saturday. why is kat confused?"
"youre acting weird. and you still want to go with her?"
"like you wouldnt believe. and im not the only one acting weird amelia. have you taken your crazy pills today?"
"shush. just, dont make plans ok?"
"thats what all the fuss is about? god, youre going insane."
"im already there jack. long ago."
"i just hope it isnt hereditary. ok, im going to go shower. wheres kat?"
"upstairs doing some homework."
"ok. whats for dinner?"
"i dont feel like cooking. pizza or pasta?"
"pizza of course. same as usual for me and kat please."
i ran up the stairs, the familiar sense of dread washing over me as i got closer to kat. i walked in, dropped my bag, and, with a quick greeting, disappeared to the shower. i was getting better at this. keeping my distance without being weird or mean. night time was a completely different story though.
on the night that i asked kat to the dance, we got into bed the same as usual. she curled up in the corner and i curled up behind her. but i could feel everything. her heartbeat as it slowed right down, so slowly i was terrified it would stop altogether. i could feel her chest rising and falling, her breath warming the pillow where her head lay. i gently stroked her cheek and tried to decipher her scent. it smelt like vanilla and coconut and baby powder and freesias. her eyelids fluttered and i froze. she sighed, wriggled closer to me, and settled again. gently, i pressed my lips to the back of her head and fell asleep.
it was the same every night. the sense of longing was overpowering, and it was made worse by the fact that i pretty much had her, just not in the way i needed. i was so close, but bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend was too great a leap.
when i got out of the shower, kat had gone downstairs. as i got dressed, i glanced at her homework. smiling, i idly corrected some of her mistakes, and marked the correct ones for her. then i went downstairs to eat.


KAT

it was three days until the dance, and amelia and i were going shopping. i was dreading it, and amelia couldnt have been happier. looking for a dress to wear to a school dance so i could tell my best friend how i felt about him was just not my thing. being surrounded by screaming girls from school wasnt my idea of fun either, so amelia wrote me a note to get off school on the wednesday.
"what colour do you want kat?"
"black."
"ok, anything else you know you want? long, short, neckline, anything?"
i sighed. i had no idea about dresses. i barely knew what size i was, let alone what cut flattered me most.
"i dont know amelia. youve seen what i wear. jeans and hoodies. you pick something out and ill go try it on. ok?"
she looked slightly put out, but got to work on finding me a huge selection of black dresses. it seemed i picked the most popular colour.
after what seemed like forever, we had cut it down to a choice of three. amelia had insisted on picking out a red one, which she loved. it was very low cut, and i could hardly breathe.
"can we let this one go please? my air supply is limited, and i look like a video girl."
"ok fine. its just between these two then. long black and satin, or short black and satin. your choice munchkin."
the long one made me look tall, but it was very clingy. i didnt fancy my chances of walking anywhere in it, so the short one won. it was a strapless dress, not too far up my thigh, and had enough stretch in it to make me feel comfortable enough. i glanced at my wrists anxiously.
"now, itll be cold, lets go get you a cardi and some shoes, ok?"

by the end of the day, we had decided on the dress, black stockings, a pair of black flats, a thin knitted cardigan and a necklace. i was exhausted.
"now, you can keep all this in my closet until saturday ok? we dont want jack stumbling across it. how do you want to do your hair by the way?"
it wasnt until we were home that amelia stopped talking about the dance. i flopped onto the bed, thankful for the bundles of blankets and pillows. my feet ached and i wanted to sleep. it was only 2pm, but i closed my eyes and drifted off, shoes still on.
i dreamt lightly, of the dance and my dress. despite the lack of enthusiasm, i was a little excited. then i got a flash of jack in a suit, leaning towards me and i snapped awake. jack was staning next to the bed with a soft expression on his face. he froze, then walked out quickly, his face giving nothing away. i flopped back down on the bed and looked at the time. it was just past three thirty. i traipsed downstairs and found jack playing a video game. i picked up the second controller and joined in.
"so why did you walk out like that? without saying anything?"
"oh. sorry. i didnt mean to wake you."
"so why did you run from the room so fast?"
"not sure. how was your day?"
"good. hung out with amelia. you?"
"good. got 98% in my math test."
"98%! god, you are good at math. i never really noticed before." i did notice though, that jack was sitting as far away as possible on the sofa. he didnt seem to want to touch me at all.
the rest of the week passed in a strange blur. there was the annoying, constant chatter at school, i couldnt escape it, there was home, with amelia secretly obsessing over having a daughter to dress up and send to a dance, and there was jack who had taken to barely talking to me. the only time we touched was when we went to sleep at nights when he would curl up and keep me warm until i was asleep.
before i knew it it was saturday morning. i didnt know how to pass the day, so i went for a walk when i woke up. jack was still asleep, and amelia had gone out to do grocery shopping before the day had started to avoid the weekend mad rush at the store. it was cold out, and slightly sunny, but the sun was doing nothing to warm the air or my fingers. i wondered how on earth i was going to stay warm tonight, when there was no sun and i was wearing a hell of a lot less. i sat down at the park near where i had sat the first moment jack and i had met. the ground was damp, but i didnt care. leaves covered the ground, still brightly coloured, still being early autumn. they hadnt yet all faded to the same dead brown that coated the ground before the frosts of winter came along. i stared out at the glum sky, thinking about jack. during the week, a horrific thought had occured to me. i was probably going to kiss jack. i was seventeen and i had no idea how to kiss, let alone how to kiss my best friend. at least he had practise. i didnt even know how he would react to me telling him. because thats what i planned to do. if he did decide to come with me to the dance, i was going to tell him there that i was actually in love with him. through the many scenarios i had come up with, one thing was constant. i would tell him how i felt, then, depending on his reaction, we would kiss. what happened after that was beyond me, but that i knew for sure.
the best thing about this situation was how happy amelia was. she was positively glowing, having a suddenly girly daughter, and the fact i was confiding in her sent her over the moon. oh well. at least someone was happy.


AMELIA

i had always dreamed of having a daughter. i loved the idea of pink and dresses and boy talk and being a big sister to her. dont get me wrong, i love kat like my own, but she was never the girly type. so this dance was like a dream come true for me. my son was in love with his best friend, like i had known all along, and kat had recently told me that she too was in love with jack. i had always hoped and suspected, but the confirmation was amazing. the hardest part was keeping it from each of them. i was helping kat get ready for the dance which was where she planned on telling him, and i was trying to comfort jack because he had just realised he was in love with kat but she had rejected him to go to the dance. he still didnt have a clue she wanted to go, so i considered my secret keeping to be a great sucess.