Reckless (Part Eleven)

KAT


it was late afternoon, and jack had been convinced to run down to the store to buy a huge list of things we didnt need. as soon as he had left, amelia yanked me into her room to get me ready.
"ok, first of all, go and put on the underwear you want to wear, the put a robe on overtop ok? right now, makeup.... im thinking greys and blues for you missy..."
her voice trailed off as i went down the hall to change. i was not looking forward to all of the prodding and poking from her.
"good. now, i dont think you need foundation or anything, maybe a little blush?" she reached down and stuck what looked not surprisingly like a paintbrush, into a pottle of red powder and began dabbing at my cheeks. i daydreamed as she did all this and when i opened my eyes and looked in the mirror i barely recognized who was staring back at me. my eyes, usually surrounded by kohl, now had huge long eyelashes framing them, and a dark grey eyeshadow on my lids. there was a slight rosiness to my cheeks, my lips were pinker than normal but not obnoxiously so, and my hair was lightly waved and loose, set hard by a can of hair spray.
"go get your dress on, quick! jack will be home in a minute. ill keep him downstairs, just come down when youre ready ok?" she left me in her room, looking nicer than i ever had in my entire life. my hands were shaking like crazy. i pulled on my stockings slowly so i didnt tear them, then i pulled on my dress and even managed to zip up the back on my own. i put my cardigan on top and put a pair of stud earrings in and the necklace i had bought jut for this occasion. it was a heart locket and it now held a minute picture of me and jack on one side and amelia on the other. i looked in the mirror briefly, put on the black ballet slippers amelia had got me (thank god she didnt try to make me wear heels) and stood at the top of the stairs. my heart was racing. half of me wanted to run back to bed and get changed and scrub my face off and the other half wanted to run down the stairs and kiss jack right there and then. i took a deep breath and began walking downstairs.


JACK

i was so pissed off. it was the day of the dance, and amelia was trying to distract me by sending me out to get things like tinned sardines and cherry tomatoes. it was a list of stuff we would never use, but i got kicked out anyway. i took my time, kicking stones all the way there and all the way back. all i wanted to do was curl up and listen to heavy angry music.
when i got home, i wasnt even allowed upstairs. amelia took the bags from me and left them on the floor, then made me move the sofa into the hallway at the foot of the stairs. she was going insane, and she was grinning her head off at me, looking slightly drunk. i rolled my eyes and did as she asked. it was probably some new art project she was working on.
i sat on the couch, bored and tired from two weeks of no sleep. amelia sat next to me, staring at the stairs, fidgeting like crazy. she made a little squealing noise, and i looked at her in wary disbelief, before following her gaze. a pair of stockinged feet had appeared and were slowly making their way down the stairs. a black dress appeared, and then pale bare shoulders, and then the face i knew so well. she was spectacular. i could hardly breathe. she looked so nervous and beautiful and shy i could barely breathe. in my peripheral vision amelia was bawling silently as she clicked her camera non-stop. shakily i walked to kat where she stood at the bottom of the step.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" her voice was tiny but determined.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say."
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick."
i ran up the stairs as though they were air, eager to get back to kat. she had been planning this for the last two weeks with my mother, and i hadnt even guessed. i pulled on the suit, brushed my hair for the first time in weeks, and ran back downstairs, my head a blur. to my great surprise, she was still there. she had something in her hand, and amelia was standing off to the side, still madly clicking away with her camera.
i was determined to say something important, and i gave it great thought before i said it.
"kat, youre beautiful."
"this is for you." i was impressed. she always denied it when i complimented her. she handed me a little box, and inside it held a little white rose.
"for your buttonhole," amelia sobbed from the corner. i was sure the batteries in her camera were supposed to be wearing out by now.
still shaking, i fixed the rose in place.
amelia shoved something in my hand. "give it to kat."
i tied the corsage around her wrist carefully.
"amelia organised us a ride there, is that ok?"
"it was a bit last minute but we got a 1955 thunderbird. its outside now."
we were ushered to the door, where a beautiful white car was parked (http://www.tvhistory.tv/1955%20Thunderbird.JPG for those who want to see it).
"its yours for the night jack, just dont crash it. you kids have fun, i love you both, be safe."
still shaking, i led kat carefully down the path and into the car, opening her door for her and climbing int the other side. i was happy to drive- i didnt want to be doing nothing with my hands and have my brain screaming questions if i should be touching kat or not. she looked so stunning.
we were still early, so i drove around for a bit, passing the venue a few times. bored, i parked it a few streets away on the side of the road, turned the engine off and turned to look at kat. she looked absolutely terrified.
"hey," i said softly, "whats up? dont look so scared, its just me."
she smiled shyly. "i cant believe were doing this, honestly. you look amazing by the way. you should wear a tux all the time."
"me? not quite. you look absolutely beautiful. i didnt want to go and get changed because i couldnt take my eyes off you. i thought you might disappear or something." she smiled again, and looked out the window, her mind obviously racing. mine was too, and i could have sworn she could hear my heart pounding out of my chest. why was she doing this???
"shall we walk there?" i suggested after a few minutes of silence.
"sure."
i bolted from my seat and ran to open her door and let her out like a gentleman.
carefully not touching her, i guided her to the community hall where the dance was being held.


KAT


i knew i had to take my time walking down the stairs. not to tease my audience, but because i was shaking so violently that falling down the stairs was a very real possibility. i gripped the bannister tightly, and took a step. then another. and another. it was killing me not being able to see jacks face, but i resisted bolting down there. when i landed in the bottom step, i looked at him. it was like tunnel vision; i could only see him. he was wearing an old pair of jeans that barely stayed up and an old black t-shirt that was so faded it looked grey. but the light in his eyes made him look like a different person to me, and yet the same person i had known all these years. i smiled slightly as jack searched for words.
"wha-?"
"jack, will you go to the dance with me?" i tried desperately to make my voice strong and assertive but it came out more like a squeak.
"i....kat.... wow. i dont know what to say." i prayed this wasnt his way of saying no.
"theres a suit upstairs in your closet. be quick." because im not sure i can go too long without seeing you. i turned to face amelia and he headed upstairs.
"picture time then?" i had agreed to this when we went shopping- i couldnt deny her this one pleasure. i stood and turned and posed and smiled and laughed as she clicked her camera away. despite my nerves and anxiety, the smiles werent very fake. i thought of me and jack. not doing anything in particular, just us. amelia was bawling the whole time.
when jack appeared at the bottom of the stairs, we exchanged corsages and left in the car i had helped amelia pick out the previous night. i was nearly crying in fear. the cold didnt seem to bother me though, so i figured it was a good thing.
we got there far too early and had to drive around for a while so we werent there first. every single second was considered as the moment i declared my feelings. every single minute that went by i wondered should i have told him then? i mentally shook myself. no, it wasnt the right time. i had told myself to do it at the dance, and thats where i was going to do it. if i wanted to do it in the car, i would have told jack to take us for a drive in amelias car on any old day. no, today was special and i had to do it right.
we ended up walking from a few streets away. jack was taking special care not to touch me still. i didnt know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, so i discarded it entirely.

the hall was decorated with fairy lights and flowers, but i barely noticed it. the tunnel vision thing was kicking in again, and although jack was next to me, i was only aware of him being next to me. i heard voices and giggling and screams of excitement as i walked in, surrounded by people i hated and who hated me right back. i had no idea if they were laughing at me or not, and i truly didnt care. the inside of the hall was unrecognizable. there were more fairy lights inside, banners, confetti and streamers hanging all over the place. the music was loud and obnoxious, reverberating off the wooden floors and walls and ceiling and amplifying it so i could barely hear anything. i felt disoriented and weird, but i stayed inside. this was what jack wanted, so i stayed with him for him. we got drinks and sat down against a wall on the chairs provided. we couldnt really talk, even if we wanted to. even if we had something to say. i had a lot to say, but despite the plan, this just wasnt the place. in my mind i had forgotten the fact there would be music and other people around us when i said my piece. i began fidgeting.
"you wanna go outside?" jack yelled in my ear. i looked up and saw him pointing to the back door. i got up and followed him where the lights lead us. its was freezing out here, but i ignored it. there were tables set up in the small courtyard here, and we chose the one farthest from the hall.
i bit my lip. there was no one else out here, and it probably wouldnt stay that way for long. now was my chance. i took a deep breath and went for it.
"jack, theres something i have to tell you."
i closed my eyes. "the reason i came here, the reason im in this dress and this makeup and sorted all of this stuff out, it was because you wanted to. i knew if i told you, you would be convinced i didnt actually want to go for me at all, and that was true. i didnt. but now im happy im here because theres something i have to say. jack, i love you, and not like your sister, not like your best friend, i love you like i want to be with you. forever. and ive been terrified of saying this because i dont want it to affect our relationship if you dont feel the same. you can speak now." i exhaled. i wasnt sure if he had understood me at all because it came out a lot faster than i had intended, but it was done. i didnt feel any better for it though. i waited for jack to speak. his expression was blank. my stomach dropped.
"kat, you really didnt ever guess how i feel about you? ive loved you like that for years. i just cant believe you feel the same. are you sure?"
air wasnt moving through my lungs properly. i nodded instead, and then i was being kissed. i didnt know what to do, and then amelias words came echoing through my head again- go with it, ok? and i did. i breathed out through my nose and relaxed. jacks hands were on me at last, his right on my back and his left tangled in my hair around my neck pulling me to him. i wasnt consciously aware of my arms or legs or anything, just of jack. he tasted so sweet, not like toothpaste, but something natural and intoxicating. we broke apart, our faces still very close together and our gaze never breaking.
"want to go?" he asked, his voice deep and gruff. still unable to speak, i nodded. i did not want to be around people at all. just jack. forever and ever.


JACK

she had kissed me. or i had kissed her. it didnt matter. kat had finally said the words i had been waiting for for years. i was shaking violently and it had nothing to do with the temperature. i fumbled for my keys and we rushed back to the car. why had we left it so far away??? i grabbed kats hand and we ran the streets we had walked not long ago. everything had changed now though. frustrated that kat wasnt keeping up, i scooped her up and ran as fast as i could, despite her squeals of protest. why did she feel so light now, when months ago at the party she hadnt? i didnt care, i had her at last.
i sped home, racing through the empty streets, and parked haphazardly. i paused. should we storm upstairs, or sneak in the window? i decided to go and let amelia know we were ok, and give her a warning. last thing i wanted was her walking in... in on what? i had no clue what would happen. we had just had kats first kiss, i wasnt sure we should do all the firsts in one go. not enough time to think everything through. i was bursting to have her in my arms again. she must have been thinking the same thing, because she was out of the car before i was. we raced up the lawn and tore into the house.
"go upstairs, ill be there in a sec."
with a quick nod, she was off. i walked to the lounge and told amelia what was going on.
"the dance was crap, kat loves me, and please dont come in my room tonight. love you, goodnight amelia." then i raced up the stairs after kat. she had just gotten there herself and i closed the door behind me and grabbed her. her arms were around my neck and pulling my face closer to hers. everything i had felt over the last few years, over the last two weeks, was amplified fifty-fold. all i understood was that kat was here with me and that was all i needed. i could smell her and taste her and feel her and see her and it was nearly too much to take in at one time. we fell back onto our bed and it all felt different. it wasnt the same bed we had been in before.
kat was a good kisser. maybe it was because i was a little biased, but for someone who hadnt ever been kissed, she was picking it up fast. when she sucked and bit on my lower lip i nearly died. i pressed myself closer to her but couldnt seem to get close enough. i kissed her neck and her ears and her nose and she kissed me too. it was beyond perfect.
it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. time didnt matter. we were entwined and if i had it my way we wouldnt ever let go. my jacket was discarded and my shirt unbuttoned. kat had somehow managed to take off her stockings without my noticing. we finally came up for air to get a drink. i didnt move off her as i drank and then passed kat the bottle of water next to the bed. that too was thrown on the floor, but we refrained from kissing for a while longer, though our faces were inches apart.
"i love you jack." the words echoed in my head and i could hardly believe it.
"i love you kat." there was something in her eyes that lit up. it had never ever been there before in all the years i had known her. something about it made my stomach tangle itself in knots. desire. she wants me. and then i was terrified. i didnt want kat to do this, not now. the circumstances were perfect, but i wouldnt do this to her. if she woke up in the morning and realised she had it all wrong, she could recover from losing her first kiss. her virginity on the other hand, was something i wouldnt take from her. not yet. her fingers traced on my skin, from the back of my neck, to my collarbone, down my chest and i shuddered. no. i took her hand in mine and kissed it. when she started with the other hand, i took that too.
"jack? are you alright? did i do something wrong?"
"no. you couldnt be more perfect. just... lets not do this yet. ok?"
her face fell. "you dont want to?"
"are you kidding? i want this so badly, and saying no might be the hardest thing ive ever done. i just want you to be 110% sure about this. i dont care how sure you say you are now, i want you to sleep on it. if you still feel the same tomorrow, then we can talk about it. im not taking that from you too ok?"
"yeah, ok. you still love me though? and you want me?"
"more than anything in the whole world."