Reckless (Part Three)

So i continued to watch kat injure herself, never letting her know how much it was hurting me. there were days when i nearly screamed at her, explicitly asking why she did it, and some days i wanted to just curl up in bed and not deal with it. some days i just wanted to be able to have my own bad day. her moods would always throw me off, and i was always left with my mouth hanging open, wondering what on earth just happened. my aim in our relationship was to be reliable and even tempered. i was the one person who never judged her. it was a struggle to maintain this.

the day kat tried to kill herself, i nearly died. in the morning, i had been playing computer games at her house, and i had left my memory card at her house. it had been about two hours since i had left the first time, so i ran back over, not really watching where i was going. it was a route i had taken countless times, it was something i could do in my sleep. until i ran out onto the always quiet road and almost got hit by a car. the driver was speeding around the corner, and i was speeding across the road. it was both of our faults, but the driver insisted on screaming abuse and threatening calling the police. i rolled my eyes and kept running.
i was meant to be home doing chores for mum, but i figured she wouldnt notice if i kept my music playing and didnt take long. i climbed up the tree outside kats window- what a silly idea. what parent has a tree outside their teenage daughters window? really now?- and lifted her window. at first i didnt see her, as my eyes adjusted to the dark room compared to the bright harsh sunlight outside. then i smelt the alcohol. i knew kat wasnt a fan of the stuff. she had it a few times, but didnt like the taste or the burning sensation of strong liquor. then i saw her and i nearly died. she was covered in thick red blood. it was already starting to dry around the outside, but it was still pouring from her arms. the wooden floor was slippery and the empty bottle of pills was on the floor. i grabbed the bottle and put it in my pocket, then ripped her pillowcases off her pillows and wrapped them tightly as i could around her wrists and arms. i called the ambulance and then waited. i knew the urgency in my voice was clear, but the time it took for them to get there could have been the difference between life and death. it was then that i knew what would happen. if kat died, i would too. there was no two ways about it. i simply couldnt go on without her.

when kat woke up days later, my heart burst with relief. i could see the disappointment in her eyes and could tell that she hadnt intended on living through this. sheer shock ran through me when i realised for one split second that a part of me wished i hadnt saved her. let me put it this way- she was miserable being alive. all she thought of and dreamt of was dying. i took her dreams away from her. but essentially i was selfish. i wanted her to be alive, because i knew i couldnt go on without her. so now i swallowed my human nature and quietly answered her questions.

for five days i sat by kats bed. i hated hospitals. they smelt so bad, exactly how a bad memory is supposed to smell. i knew this smell would haunt me everywhere i went. if i broke my arm skating and went to the emergency room, i would smell the scent of disinfectant and fear and death and be immediately rushed back here, where my best friend lay, unconscious. she had come so close to dying. this was not a place i ever wanted to be. i had imagined it many times before. but the reality was so much worse than the imaginary. the highlight of it all was when kat squeezed my hand. it was always when my head was getting away on me. emotional breakdowns. out of nowhere, kat would very very gently squeeze my hand. i knew it was her way of calming me. she wasnt even awake, but she knew i was going through hell.
it always surprised me, because i was hoping so much that she would wake up. the nurse explained to me that it was a lot like sleep walking. except she wasnt walking, she was just letting me know she was going to be ok. it soothed me, and the nurses calm clear voice made it better. her calling was definitely as a nurse. the moment where kat let me know everything was ok, i always looked up. i had so much hope- i needed her to wake up so badly. when i looked up and saw her looking back at me, i nearly burst open. i was so filled with emotions i couldnt even identify that i couldnt even speak at first. kat spoke instead. it was the sureness of her words that made me certain she had been awake longer than she let on.
"jack. i love you jack. and im sorry."
"i love you too kat. why did you do it? why didnt you call me? i would have been there in one minute. i know i cant make it better, but does this make it any better? you spent your seventeenth birthday here, nearly dead." my words came out in a rush- it was as though i had only a tiny amount of time left to tell her everything i could. this urge needed to go away. i knew if i didnt calm down, kat would see the desperation and fear in my voice and panic. so, taking a tip from the nurse before, i made my voice soothing, like aloe vera on sunburn. i inhaled and exhaled before i looked up.
kat was looking at her surroundings. she looked confused, which in turn confused me. surely she knew she would end up in a hospital if she didnt reach her goal? unless she hadnt thought about that. which would have surprised me. because kat was a stickler for attention to detail. everything she could control, was made perfect. so in theory, her death would have been a perfect sucess. i didnt have time to focus on that though, because kat was looking into my blank eyes with tears welling. i figured i should explain, because being unconscious for that long, people generally tend to want to know whats been going on while they werent present in the world.
"they had to pump your stomach, and give you a blood transfusion or two. they said you were going to be sore when you wake up. are you in much pain?" it felt as though someone had winded me, as i realised she would be in so much pain. not only emotional- she failed the only dream she ever had- but physical too. i struggled to remain in the conversation and keep her calm- i would panic later.
"not that the doctors can fix. how long?"
as she said the words, i worked to ignore the lack of air that made me want to scream as the pain of her pain beat me up.
"today is thursday. you have been here since saturday. so, about five days."
kat didnt say anything, so i hesitantly took her fragile hand in mine. they were cold and clammy; i could tell she was stressed. there were tubes coming out of the back of her hands, and bandages al the way up her arms. i could see a faint brown tinge in some places. more pain, so i began rubbing small circles into the back of her hand. it soothed me, and i hoped it would have the same effect on her.
out of nowhere, kat decided to give me a tiny detail. i lapped it up, knowing it was a rarity. "i was going to write a note, but i didnt know what to say."
this sort of shocked me. i would have thought that she would have left me a note. or maybe i just liked to think that she would have. i was just so curious, it pained me that if she had succeeded, i would hever have unraveled the mysteries that kat kept hidden in her head.
i took a breath and let it out quietly, so that kat wouldnt know it was a sigh.
"did you do it intending to die, kat?" i kept my eyes on my fingers which were still rubbing small soft circles into kats small soft hands.
"yeah. yeah i did jack. failure, right?"
sort of, i thought. but im so happy you failed this one thing.
"not a failure. im so glad i found you. worst thing ive seen in my life, but i found you just in time."
"i wish i had got it right. im going to have to face everyone now. oh god what did my parents say?"
this was something i didnt want her to know. at least not the details.
"they... well they were genuinely shocked kat." that would suffice. the last thing she needed was to know how angry they had been at her. as though that wouldnt send her back to insanity.
"really? did they not have the slightest idea that something was wrong?" she hung her head, thinking.
i let her think for a while, while i thought. her parents had some clue, of course. but they didnt want to delve. the fear of finding something they couldnt fix with money terrified them. and so they gave her space, which is what they thought would be best. apparently not. i wondered if they would change their habits now, if an attempted suicide would wake them up and drive common sense into them. unfortunately, kats parents werent ones to learn from their mistakes.
i looked up at kat. her head was still down, but her eyes were on me, carefully analysing my face and trying to decipher what it was that she saw. at that moment, i had no idea what was written in my eyes, on the shape of my mouth, in the angle of my eyebrows. i simply knew that letting kat out of my sight was going to be nearly impossible. i was quite content with never leaving her side.


upon leaving the hospital, kat was told that she was to go and see a psychologist. this scared me. kat would never do it, and the thought of being made to would surely send her over the edge. i grasped her hand tightly. i needed to protect her. i wasnt sure how to do it, but i figured this would be one hell of a step. she needed me as much as i needed her to be alive.
"ill be right next to you the whole time kat, dont you worry." i pushed every ounce of sincerity into my eyes. she needed to believe everything was going to be alright, and i wanted to be the one to make her. a big tear welled in her eye until she blinked it away and nodded.


it was later that week that we had kats first therapy session. i was nervous about it. i wasnt sharing my past, but kats past was entwined into mine so much that i was wound tight enough, that at the first prod, i was sure to explode. so we entered and sat down. the chair was uncomfortable- the small room was built to look prestigious, but had missed due to the cheap imitation leather and terribly mismatched fittings. off to a bad start in my mind. it was dark; dimly lit by several different lamps. i supposed they were aiming at a warm comforting feel.
the lady in front of us was in her late fifties. she was still attempting to hide her graying hair with peroxide- her dark roots were emerging from her scalp. her skin was not terrible- i few wrinkles here and there, but her lips were thin. she looked intolerant and stressed. much like a stroppy school principal.
we got settled, and all introduced ourselves. kat was gripping my hand tightly, and i was holding hers much the same.
"so katherine. why did you decide to kill yourself?"
i felt kat wilt next to me and that was it. i exploded.
"who the hell do you think you are? who are you to just spit it out like that? tactless bitch, how dare you?" i was on my feet, one of my hands clenched into a fist, the other was still hoding kats. she did not try and pull me back down, she just made sure i didnt move forward.
taken aback, the therapist looked at me, completely stunned. "i... i apologise jack. perhaps that wasnt the wisest of words. i am so very sorry, both of you."
i took a deep breath. kat gently tugged at my hand and i sat down, holding both of her hands now. she rubbed patterns in the back of my hands to soothe me, and it worked.
the rest of the session went badly. after we had calmed down, she asked kat how she had got to this point. after a few silent minutes, kat sighed and said she didnt know.
another flame of anger lit up- the womans eyes lit up with dollar signs. this girl was clearly damaged. many therapy sessions to cure this one. it took a lot for me to stay seated.
five more sessions followed this one. each time, kat seemed anxious. she never gave any information out at all. most of her answers were 'i dont know'. i was proud of her for this- i wanted her to be safe from this woman. she didnt seem trustworthy, and i was happy kat saw this too.
on the downside, kat didnt seem to be getting any better. when her bandages came off, she started cutting again right away. i could hardly believe it.
kat started missing therapy. at first she was sick. which was believable because she had been feeling unwell the past couple of days. on the other hand, she might have been putting in more effort so we would let her out of it.
the next week she had a big assignment due. which was pulled out on the day of therapy- it wasnt something she had been working on at all until that point.
the third week she just disappeared. we all tried calling her, and i went out looking for her, but she came home three hours later, claiming to have lost track of time. for some reason i was mad at her.
at therapy, i was happy she kept quiet. but when she didnt show up, it made me nervous, as though she was heading further downhill. but i ignored the feeling, and remained close by her side.
the night after she 'lost track of time', she came over to my house. we were listinging to her favourite song after watching a movie, sprawled out on my sunken bed.
"kat, you really dont like therapy do you?"
she rolled her eyes. i couldnt see, but i knew she was. it was so obvious.
"no, jack i hate it. she so fake. how can i spill my guts to someone i can see right through?"
i grinned triumphantly. i was happy kat saw her as she was. though she couldnt see my face.
but how was she going to get better? how was the cutting going to stop? everytime i left her, my bones were chilled in fear of never seeing her again. my dreams were filled with images of her lying on her floor, covered in blood and dying. i needed to find a way to make her get better. this was not the way to do it, by seeing a psychologist who thought more about money than kat. we both needed to wake up and make changes. i just didnt know what they were.
filled with a sudden fierce desire to make kat want to live, i growled "i just want you to stop wanting to die."
when i looked up at her, my eyes were filled once again with the burning sincereity that i used only to make her trust me. i was determined to make her see what i saw in her.
she seemed to be thinking about her reply. something in her eyes made her look defeated.
"so do i jack. so do i."