Reckless (Part Four)

from there, things started to change.
not get better, not really, but kat was more honest with me. i knew she struggled with this. when i asked her how she was, she would always think about it before answering. she would screw up her nose and think about how she really was. if she couldnt find the right word for what was going on, she would tell me a little story about something similar, or a clever little analogy, which i would translate into words about feelings.
i always seemed to make her angry, for some reason. i think my reaction was never what she hoped for, or expected. either way, we fought so much with all the cards on the table like this. i hated arguing with her, but i was always the first one to buckle under the pressure of silent treatment. i was much too reluctant that she would take it all too seriously.
the hardest part was hearing her talk about self harm. i knew she thought about it, of course she did, but the regularity and brutality of these thoughts never failed to astound me. out of nowhere, she would announce that she wished there was a blade handy, or marvel at how deep her most recent cut was.
but it wasnt long until i didnt need to ask; a simple tilt of my head or arch or an eyebrow was all it took for her to explain why she wanted to die at that moment.

i remember kat calling me several months later.
"jack, we are going to counselling again."
well, i wasnt prepared for that one.
even on the phone, i didnt need to ask.
"mum wants me to go and i want to prove i cant be fixed with money. ill show her..."
i paused. two sides raged on inside me. good girl kat, dont go succumbing to your mother. shes a horrible person. or good girl kat, maybe you can open up to the therapist this time. but i said neither. instead, i assured her i would be there, and everything was going to be alright.

this time we had a new therapist. she was a bit younger, and smiled warmly. it reached her eyes, not just the corners of her mouth. the room was lighter and brighter. to lighten the mood however, i pounced on the big stereotypical couch and pretended to spill my guts. to my delight, kat joined in with me.
then we all sat down to start.
"hello, how are you both? my name is anna."
there was half a second between the last word out of her mouth and the first out of kats. with faux sincerity and enthusiasm, she replied "fine thanks, how are you?"
i shoved my elbow into her ribs. we werent going to get anywhere if she kept deflecting like that.
"kat just tell me how you really are. tell both of us. like you do with me. otherwise theres no point in us being here." i said. i looked at her, facing my whole body towards her, and urged her on with my eyes. she glared back at me. well, we both knew this was going to be hard. "just pretend its you and me here. like we are sitting on my bed at home."
her face relaxed a tiny bit. obviously, some memory had sprung to her head, thinking about my room and how much time we spent in it.
"it doesnt smell like you here. i cant relax."
i gawked at her inwardly. she was like a little kitten. i pulled off my sweatshirt and gave it to her. she buried her face in it, and spoke from there.
"today i feel numb. everything is surreal. it doesnt feel like im here, its like im on automatic. even though i havent been in here before or met you, i feel like im just going through the motions."
my chest expanded with exaltation. finally.
anna leaned forward slightly and smoothed her face. "now katherine, im going to ask you a few simple questions everytime you come here. so that youre prepared. the answers might change everytime, and they might not. firstly, i am going to ask you how you are. then i am going to ask you how the last week has been for you. and then i am going to ask you about self harm. and then i am going to ask about suicide."
i felt kat freeze beside me. my heart had thudded loudly to a halt as i waited. and waited. and waited- i elbowed her in the ribs again.
she scowled at me.
"you might as well. if you dont like her, dont come back." while saying that, i smiled apologetically over her shoulder to anna. kat was glowering by the time i lowered my gaze.
"fine." kat was just so stubborn.
"ok katherine-"
"its kat." i said.
"kat. when was the last time you harmed yourself?"
"two days ago."
"and why did you do it then?"
"me and mom had an argument."
"did you argue with you mother yesterday?"
"yes. most days."
"why didnt you harm yourself yesterday?"
"jack was there." this last answer shocked me. i didnt know i had had anything to do with her cutting habits.
there was silence in the room for a minute- kat must have thought we were waiting for her to explain, so she went on.
"he makes me not do it. i wouldnt ever dream of doing it in front of jack. i dont hurt as much with jack."
i gawked at her. she looked at me as though i was insane.
"what do you think would happen if jack suddenly wasnt there?"
"i would just go back to normal."
"really? if jack moved away, or died, would you really be able to just continue your life as though he was never in it?"
this i wondered also. kats mind was elsewhere. her eyes were unfocused and she seemed completely unaware of her surroundings. i realised she might have been imagining a scenario that anna had depicted a second ago.
the silence became too long, and anna spoke up.
"kat?"
"well, without jack, i wouldnt really be here. it wouldnt be worth living."
"kat, have you ever considered that this is an unhealthy relationship? putting your entire life on someone elses survival of their day to day life?"
kat didnt say anything. in fact, she didnt seem to be paying attention at all. she looked bored.
i glared at her. she had been doing so well, and her stubborness was preventing her from continuing to do so.
anna was obviously on the same page as me. when kat looked up, she saw the looks on our faces and apologised.
"katherine, can i see your scars?"
i knew that was a bad move.
kat got up and left the room without a noise.
as i moved to follow her, anna caught my eye and made me sit back down.
"jack, can we talk for a little bit? i get the feeling you just dont know how to help her."
"i just want her to stop wanting to die," i said sullenly. my hands were limp in my lap and i gazed down at them without seeing. my mind was split in two- one half was with kat, wondering how bad the cuts would be, and the other half was here, hoping to figure out how to help her.
"you cant make that happen. i know you want to, and from the sounds of things, if it were possible, you would have made her better long ago. but the descision is hers to make jack."
"i cant just wait. wait for her to try again, wait for her to die. i dont know if i can go on without her either."
"you wont have to. unfortunately, kat has to reach rock bottom before she can make her way up again."
"is this not rock bottom now? because its hell."
"no. she has you. that makes her life worth living. its what gets her through."
"so i have to leave her? is that what youre saying? because all thats going to do is kill her. im not leaving her."
"you have to jack. there is a way to do it though. it is going to hurt both of you. but in the end, kat will want to make the necessary changes."
"ill hear you out. i cant promise that i will follow through, but ill listen to what you have to say."
"distance yourself from her. disinterest, being busy, other priorities, they will all start to separate you both. this will no doubt cause curiousity for kat. you two have always been together, so this time apart will confuse her a lot, and will eventually ask you for an explanation. the hardest thing- you have to tell her you cant take it anymore. be cold. and then leave."
"no."
"why not?"
"because this itme she will end up killing herself."
"keep an eye on her. you know where she is and when. follow her home from a distance. call her house and ask her parents to check on her more regularly. its possible jack."
i sat and thought about it. i saw her eyes when i told her goodbye. a cold hand closed around my lungs and squeezed the air out until i was gasping. it was not possible. no way.
"i cant. i cant make her hurt like that."
"jack, have you ever heard the saying, 'its got to get worse before it can get better? that applies here. try it."
i thought about that now. i thought about kat coming in here to see anna. begging for help. begging to live.
"ok." the defeat was barely a noise.
i walked home, consumed by fear and dread. saying goodbye to kat was the one thing i vowed never to do to her. and now i was going to do it. in order to make her better. there was a huge chance that she could end up dead. both of us.
i walked straight home. despite thinking of nothing but kat, she was the last person i wanted to see right now.
i grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen, called out to my mother that i was home, then went to my room and shut the door. i put my food aside, then turned up my music. i needed to stop thinking. i focused on the music, on nailing the guitar chords (the few that i had remembered from guitar lessons when i was 13) and making up new lyrics. it didnt take long before i collapsed on my bed. unfortunately, it smelt like kat here. i groaned and turned off the music. ignoring it wasnt going to be any help. i needed to be cold. but tonight, i couldnt let her be alone. i didnt want her to cut.
the phone rang and i knew i hadnt thought enough about this. i didnt know how to be mean to kat.
"hey jack."
"hey." i put all my effort into sounding bored and angry.
"whats up? too cold for you?" her voice was light, as though this afternoon hadnt happened at all.
"no, not really." closed answers i could manage.
"where did you go then?" kat said. i could tell she was getting a little frustrated now.
"you shouldnt have run out like that, kat. it was really immature." ooh. that was a little harsh. insulting her probably wasnt the best idea. even though she had been acting quite childish.
"i wasnt about to sit there and have her ask about my scars jack." her tone implied there was no argument to her case.
"you could have just said no." i knew that would stump her. "look, i have to go, ill be over later ok?" i couldnt not see her. it would kill us both.
"sure, see you then."
i hung up, feeling hollow. my ears were ringing and my knees were suddenly very unstable.
all i knew was that if kat cut tonight, i would be uncontrollably angry.
i spent most of the night working on homework i couldnt focus on, and listening to music i suddenly hated. all the songs were our songs. i just wanted to stick my head in the sand until this was all made magically better.
at 11.pm, i pulled a jacket over my pjs and some old trainers and climbed out of the window. it was freezing, so ran fast. the wind whistled through my hair, numbing my face and stinging my eyes. i was still angry at kat for running out on me and grumpy because of what i was attempting to do. i knew anna would tell me i was doing this wrong by seeing her tonight, but i needed her to be ok.
i climbed the tree and jumped onto her roof. not bothering to be quiet, i shoved the window open and climbed in. her room smelt amazing. i inhaled it, remembering it forever. it made my head whirl a little. i removed my jacket and shoes and ducked under the covers. it was warm under here, her electric blanket was still on. the contrast between my hands and feet and hers was enough to give her goosebumps. i reached for her arms roughly and checked for fresh cuts. there werent any, to my great relief and surprise. i bundled her up in my arms and waited for sleep to come, setting my watch alarm before i drifted off. i buried my face in her hair, dreaming of a future we both wanted, but only half of us had dreamed about.

when my alarm went off, it was 5am. same as normal. reluctantly, i opened my eyes. kat was now facing me, her nose so close to mine i could feel her gentle breathing on my face. she looked so sad. it pained me to see her like this. it all brought back what had happened the day before. this could be the last time i ever did this. so i made it last. softly, silently, i lifted my hand and ran my fingers down her face, from her temple to her jaw. i closed my eyes and committed her scent to memory. i had to lose her, either way. i left silently. for anger to taint this image and this moment was to burn a perfect rose for simply being.

i walked home. i was so utterly devastated that i didnt even notice the icy air cutting at my nose. everything felt a dream; all i could see was kat. i could smell her and see her small face, crinkled in pain and sadness. this haunted her everywhere. it felt as though i was stepping in the natural path of things by making her stay alive. all for my own selfish needs. i didnt care. i needed kat. and she needed me, but i needed to find something to make her want to stay alive. anna was right.
i got home and into the shower. mom never minded that i came home at 5am every morning and left at 11pm. she knew exactly where i was. my hands and feet and face burned under the hot water. i stood there, lost in a daze, losing track of time. it wasnt until mom knocked on the door that i realised i had spent far too long there. my hands were wrinkly and i didnt feel any more resolved.
in my room, my diligent side took over and pulled out some homework. i managed to write a few hundred words for an essay that wasnt due until the following week, and half a page of algebraic equations. i was dressed and ready for school at seven o'clock. i flopped down the stairs to eat something.
"morning jack. everything ok?"
"not really. too much thinking going on, thats all."
my mother was an odd type. she worked at a bank, and had done since she left school. it was a secure job, and it paid for everything we needed. her personality, however, clashed outrageously with her job description.
she was an artist, though not limited to one field. out of our four bedroom house, one was mine. the rest were mini art studios. covered in mess, the house was a goldmine- if you could find your way through all of it. photographs in black and white covered the walls in some places, large canvases in others. oil, acrylic and watercolour, large small, abstract, modern. sculptures were everywhere- from little jewellery pots, to fully glazed plant pots. all her jewellery was hand made as well, in every colour bead possible. balls of wool littered the floor, pierced with knitting needles as stitch holders. fabrics and trims exploded out of sewing boxes everywhere, and our linen cupboard couldnt close due to the amount of quilts she had created. i loved it.
my mom was the understanding type- she let her sixteen year old son sneak in and out of the house and have his best friend sleep in his bed on a regular basis. we talked about my life, and she knew what was going on in kats life. she was more of a mother to kat than kats ever could be.
but even now, when i knew i should tell her, i couldnt bear to bring myself to break her heart by telling her what i was going to do. because i knew that my mother knew what it would do to kat.
instead of spilling my guts, i reached for the cereal and filled my bowl. then i put four slices of bread in the toaster. i was hungry, and it was a miracle amelia managed to feed me. i downed my breakfast, then finished getting ready. i glanced at my mirror on the way out. the huge bags under my eyes were a dead give away, and my untamed hair told secrets i would never divulge.
i took the long way to the corner, dragging my feet. nothing registered- if i hadnt walked it a million times before, i might have ended up lost. but i reached the corner and perched myself on the fence like normal. i waited for kat to turn up like normal. but instead of asking how she was as she approached, i merely glanced in her direction to acknowledge her and we began walking without a word.
the entire walk to school, i kept my eyes on my feet and my head in my thoughts. i could tell she was getting sick of it but i didnt act first. as we neared the school gates, she gave up and asked.
"whats wrong jack? are you still angry at me for walking out yesterday?"
"what?" i looked up at her reluctantly.
"are you angry at me from yesterday still?" her brow was furrowed and she was getting angrier by the second. i had to leave before i succumbed to her eyes begging me to stay and explain. i was glad to see the gate to my school and parted ways with her.
"oh, sure. see you later, kat." i walked away from her, resisting the urge to turn back and see what she was thinking. i walked to class and fought back the tears. at an all boys school, crying was strictly forbidden. so i held it back all day.
at lunch time, i text kat. i knew, either way, her day was going terribly. "DONT CUT KAT. DONT." i had the feeling the knife would be in her hands and sliding through her scarred flesh as soon as i sent the message.

the walk home was just as bad as the way to school this morning. as we approached the corner, i quickly made an excuse for not seeing her that night.
"i wont be over tonight kat, i have a big math assignment with connor." lie.
"oh, me too, will you come over tonight?" she looked slightly put out by this.
"no, i need some sleep." lie again.
"you sleep at my house just fine." her frown was deep and her eyes were darkened by anger.
"i cant, kat. talk later, bye." i turned to leave her then, but paused and spun around, wrenching her sleeves up. surely enough, there were fresh gaping cuts that had barely stopped bleeding. "i told you not to. is there any point in me trying anymore?" i wanted her to hurt. this was hurting me so much, how could she not see it? i wanted her to hurt for making me hurt. i knew it was the anger talking, but i didnt care. at that moment, i wanted her to see how much this was cutting me up.
the second i got home, i text kat again. i knew it wasnt going to do any good, but i did it anyway. "DO. NOT. CUT. AGAIN. SERIOUSLY KAT, I HATE IT."
there was no reply, and i knew her hands were busy.

i spent that night working on homework, and when that was done, i studied for exams that werent looming for a few months yet. i had turned off my cell and unplugged my house phone. i had heavy music playing to try and drown out the sound of my thoughts.
when the window opened at ten thirty, i jumped. normally, if kat and i were on better terms, she would be here at 11. but now she was not only early, but uninvited. or more, unwanted. i didnt want to have to send her home or give her an explanation. i wanted her to curl up in my bed with me and nurse her wounds.
"what are you doing here, kat?" i knew. she wanted an explantaion, and the one i had to offer was not going to be what she wanted to hear.
"im sick of you acting so weird. whats going on?" god she was so adorable when she tried putting her foot down. focus.
"you would know if you had stuck around yesterday. im distancing myself from you, and im going to see anna agin next week to tell her how youve been without me." there. i had all my cards on the table.
"why? why would you do that to me?" she was bewildered, her voice reduced to a mere squeak.
"you need to get better kat. its not going to happen if i let you cut all the time, if youre not going to let me help you in any way i know how. you wont go to therapy, and most certainly not on your own. anna said when you hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there. im stopping you from hitting rock bottom. so dont come over for a while kat. dont meet me at the trail, dont meet me at the corner. and i wont text you or call you. hit rock bottom, kat, and ill see you when you start making your way back up."
again i fought back the tears. i hadnt wanted to die before now. now i wanted to leave kat here and just stop being so bad for her. but i needed to be strong, because kats knees suddenly gave way. it was a miracle i was still standing too, but i held her up. i ached to hold her and cry with her until she fell asleep but i didnt. i sat her down, pulled on shoes and a coat, and took her home. i couldnt bear waiting for her to get to sleep. being in her room was making my skin burn. my mouth was dry. i knew that if i wanted to scream, no sound would come out.
i staggered home and walked through the front door. i collapsed in my bed, tired from carrying kat, and from the draning effort it took to turn my best friend away. now she had no one.
i had no one either.

when i woke up, i dressed and left. i had slept in, and so i got to the corner just as i saw kat leaving. i kept my distance to keep an eye on her. at least she was alive still.

the days dragged on. it was a ritual. watch kat on the way to school, watch her on the way home, and call her parents at 10.30 to make them check she was ok.

the morning kat didnt turn up at the trail, i waited. maybe she was late. i waited for twenty minutes, but i knew what was happening. kat was never late. i just didnt want to see the haunting image i knew i would see if i walked through her bedroom window.
but i did it. i climbed in, nearly slipping on her blood, and bandaged her up after calling an ambulance. i was slightly calmer this time. i assumed i was in shock. they piled her up in the ambulance while i wrote a brief note- at hospital again. early this morning. jack. then sat calmly next to kats dying body in the vehicle as they rushed to the hospital.
as it turned out, i was in shock, despite being prepared for it. when it wore off, i looked at my blood-soaked clothes and passed out.