Reckless (Part Six)

when i woke up, my hand was stuck to my face and the other was still firmly around kats. during my slumber, i had not managed to forget that kat was once again in the hospital nearly dead. i saw futures without her, i saw the blood on her floor staining and becoming a constant reminder of her life and her desire to end it, i saw anna, i saw kats parents and i saw myself, crying alone at her funeral.
when i looked around to find the source of my awakening, i saw the same nurse who had helped me earlier.
"shes going to be ok you know," she said brightly. "i was speaking to the doctor before and she said that katherine was going to live."
"living and being ok are two very different things you know." my voice was groggy and my eyes stung. my neck was stiff but i didnt lift it from the bed.
"of course." she seemed put out that her cheery persona hadnt cheered me. she was in the process of changing kats bandages. my head whirled when i saw her arms. gaping cuts were angrily spaced out from the base of her hand right up to her shoulder, on both sides of her arm. it was as though she had put her arm in a blender. there was a thick cream lathered on top of the cuts- to prevent infection i guessed- but it was still plain to see. some of the cuts had been bleeding, seeping through the off white bandages layer by layer. she was so exposed; i desperately wanted to cover her up. if her parents were to walk in at this moment, i had a strange idea they would walk right back out again. she was so helpless- lying in a hospital bed with her cuts open and glaring at anyone who dared to look. worse still, she wasnt conscious, and therefore couldnt protect herself. that was my job but i couldnt do anything. i felt so pathetic.

when kats parents turned up at seven that night, the concern that appeared was genuine, but as soon as the nurse assured them she would live, they relaxed and went to get a coffee. my blood boiled at this. i managed to calm down by holding kats hand and tuning everyone out. i was offered a ride hom from kats mother, and my blank stare seemed to answer her.
once they had gone, i called my mother (without leaving the bedside).
"hey mom."
"going to be home for dinner tonight?"
"no. im at the hospital. kats here again."
"oh god. alive?"
"yeah. just."
"ill finish cooking dinner and bring some with me ok? are you going to be alright jack?"
"only if kat is."

mom bought me a full roast meal and soup. she stayed all of the first night there with me. it was comforting to fall asleep knowing she was there. she was more of a mother than kats ever was.

it was longer this time before she woke up. after four days i began to get anxious. well, more so.
i was sleeping, it was about 8pm and kats mother had been arguing with a nurse when i drifted off. kats hand was in mine at the time, and i silently wept for her as i relaxed into my chair.
when i awoke- so very disoriented- kat was looking at me. a picture of horror. i immediately assumed the worst as the look on her face matched mine.
i tried to be comforting. i wanted to soothe her and reassure her.
"kat." it was all i could think of to say, but the doze had made my throat dry up. it was barely a whisper.
it was obvious right away that my nurse act hadnt worked, as kats eyes welled up. she looked painfully frustrated and eternally sad. sad is too small a word for that- anything else is simply not right.
"its ok kat im here. and im not leaving you."
she frowned at me. then she motioned for writing utensils, and i fished them out of the drawer for her.
being around me is hurting you. you cant save me.
"and by not being around you for a few days, you almost die. again. i would rather be worried but know where you are than being out of your life."
who found me?
"me. i didnt walk to school with you, but i waited til you got to the corner and walked a short way behind you. when you didnt show up, i went straight to your house. jesus, kat. it was so hard for me to be away from you. but anna had convinced me it would be the best thing for you. i dont know why i believed her. i think mostly because i had run out of options."
i love you jack. i want to get better. i dont know how, but i want to be better for you. i dont want you to see me like that ever again.
she loved me. i knew this of course, but it was always good to hear the words. i wasnt so much as grinning, but i knew i had a happy look on my face. i was overcome by and ugre to rip kat from the bed and hug her long and warmly. luckily i had some self control and didnt.
i settled down and kat closed her eyes and started to cry silent tears.

a week and a half later, kat was at home. i never left her side.
with determination, she told us all what she had planned- to get better on her own terms. it scared me so much, because, much as i hated to admit it, i knew she couldnt do it on her own. it was now my mission to stay with her all the time, whether we were at my place or hers. it was just school i was worried about.
but kat was determined- she had even gone so far as to write a list.

• tell jack what is going on in my head.
• do not cut. no excuses.
• try to think of a bright side of everything, no matter how unlikely it is.

i was dubious, but i needed to believe in kat if kat was ever going to believe in herself. she smiled at me then, a mindblowing, proud smile. my whole body felt as though it had been filled with warm honey. i wanted to cry- instead i took a mental picture of this image and stored it away forever.

KAT

it had been three weeks, six days and seven hours since i had been let out of the hospital. i hadnt cut once. mostly due to the thick swathe of bandages covering my arms, preventing me doing so, but i hadnt even cut anywhere else. the bright side to this was that it was making jack happy. that was the bright side to most of the things i had to look at. the downside was (and i never said this out loud) was that i felt like i was about to explode. i wanted to so much- i needed to. instead, jack would hold me around the wrists and i would try and break free, digging my short nails into my palms. it did no good, but i faked it so jack would feel like he was helping. he was. sort of. i guess i was just reluctant to try. i felt so helpless, despite all the help being extended to me. i was caged, and the only way i could get out was by proving that i wasnt going to top myself at the first bit of release.

jack hadnt left my side. normally, i would have loved this. but he wouldnt even leave to let me get dressed. he would turn around, but i was never alone, except for showering and bathroom breaks. it was like being in prison. i knew that it was either this or therapy- more like an institution- but i still couldnt warm up to the fact that i had at least on pair of eyes on me at all times. trapped, indeed.