Reckless (Part Fourteen)

AMELIA


the day you wake up after something traumatic happens is never a good one.
it is usually a good thing that it happens, but what makes it happen is usually highly embarrassing and painful.
needless to say, when kats parents turned up, i wanted to close the door on them. they hadnt heard from kat in a while and apparently our phone had been disconnected due to me not opening our mail- and therefore not paying any of the bills.
as they stood on my front porch, their faces were a mixture of pity, disgust and anxiety. they tried looking past me into the house to find out where the dreadful smell was coming from, but i closed it behind me and stood on the porch with them. it was the first time i had been outside in days. work had told me to take a couple of weeks off. i had forgotten why i needed a job anyway.
"Amelia. how are you?"
i wasnt even aware who was talking, my eyes were staring at their faces without seeing them.
"fabulous! lets go out shall we?" my voice sounded strange. it was high pitched and croaky, as though i was a boy going through puberty.
the exchanged worried looks.
"amelia, dear, youre in your pajamas."
she said it very softly, touching my forearm in deep concern. huh. so i was.
"may we come in, dear? we have some things we want to talk about."
i didnt move. my face stayed blank and i said nothing.
they gently pushed past me, taking me into the house withe them. i could see the disgust on their faces.
they sat us down on the sofa in the living room, trying not to sit on anything dirty.
"i know this is hard for you amelia, really i do."
lie. your son hasnt died.
"but we think you need a bit of help around here. someone to help you get on your feet again."
"we can easily send someone over to just tidy up, sort your mail and your bills, get some groceries for you, even cook you some meals," said kats dad.
i nodded silently. so long as they didnt suggest-
"and a counsellor, like kat had. they can help you cope, theyve done this sort of thing before."
so have i. im doing just fine.
it was silent for a few minutes before they spoke again- for they seemed to be speaking as a unit- i couldnt distinguish who was whom.
"how is kat?" i looked at her mother. her voice was low and urgent, probably the only time she had ever felt concerned about her daughter.
"shes fine. sad, but she will be ok. she wants to live here still, if thats alright with you?"
"we just worry, about how youre both coping. if its easier for her to not be here, please dont hesitate to let us know. i can see how difficult it must be for you."
i nodded again. i just wanted them gone.
"right. well. we will send someone over tomorrow, just leave everything to us, payment included."
"good luck amelia, let us know if you need anything."
and then they left. they left me there, standing by the front windows watching them leave in their flashy car, their perfect life, and left me and kat here. i sunk to the floor and disappeared into my own torment. it wasnt until kat curled up behind me that i felt even slightly comforted by the tears that drenched my face and the carpet i lay on.


KAT


i heard my parents.
i saw their car from an upstairs window.
i felt amelias tension and fear.
and i sat very still, half way up the stairs, too afraid to go near them. the questions and the primping would be too much. so i waited until they left and lay down with amelia, trying to take her pain from her.

the following morning, three people knocked on the door. they came, they cleaned, they conquered.
two people cleaned the house. thoroughly. vacuumed and polished and waxed. with the exception of mine and amelias rooms. they simply took rubbish and any dishes and left it at that.
the other one set to work in the kitchen. he cooked for hours, filling the house with smells i had long since forgotten. lasagne, pasta, stews and casseroles, desserts, side dishes, snacks, all prepared, labelled, divided into single portions and either refrigerated or frozen. before they left, they had sat and opened the mail, discarding junk and finding the most overdue bills to pay. they called the service companies with amelias consent and paid with her credit card. everything was so ordered and ready. there was a list on the fridge of bill dates and trash days and a calendar marking all these dates. i couldnt believe it. for once in my life, i wanted to throw my arms around my parents and thank them for everything. they were helping, once again, in the only way they knew how.
the cleaners talked everything through with amelia, bills and things, walked through the house for one final check, took everything with them, and left. i didnt know what to do. sitting in this clean house made me want to do something. so i got up and took a shower. not one like the ones i had been taking, where i would sit down and cry and smell jacks products, but one where i took my loofah and scrubbed away at my skin, washed my hair and even shaved my legs. i put clean clothes on, and tied my hair back.
amelia had left the lounge by the time i arrived back downstairs, but i heard clunking in her room. i scribbled a note from her and left.

i had been walking for two hours, not thinking, not going anywhere in specific, just walking and walking. which was weird because i dont do exercise. ever. by the time i got home again, amelia had three piles of clothes on the living room floor.
she was wearing a pair of deep blue jeans and a pale blue shirt with only a little bit of paint on it. she looked so nice, her auburn hair tied back, several rogue strands in her face. her cheeks were pink from the effort of getting it all downstairs.
"kat!" she cried when i walked in. "where have you been?!"
"i left a note, i just went for a walk. what are you doing?"
she grinned at me, a little manically. "spring cleaning."
"spring was months ago." it was scary. amelia was dressed to the nines by her standards, and cleaning voluntarily. "amelia, whats going on?"
she abandoned her piles and came and stood in front of me. "i dont even know. i want to make a change, and now seems like a good time to do it. ive frozen my life since jack was born-" we both jumped at the use of his name "-and now i want to go again. i dont want to try and forget him, but i want a bigger future. will you help me?"
i sighed. amelia had given her whole life to jack and i. i couldnt blame her for wanting to focus on herself for a bit. "of course i will."
"im selling some of my paintings. will you mind?"
wow. amelia hadnt sold anything. she hadnt wanted to. not that it wouldnt sell, but she kept all her projects in the house to inspire us. me.
"of course not. not all of them though?"
she sighed. her face was a lot smoother now, like she had calmed down a lot. "no. im getting a guy from my old high school to come in. he valuates art and gives advice. he lives a while away, but hopefully he can get me on my feet. i also want to go to the markets and see what sort of art is there too, see if i cant make a little extra money from my smaller pieces- jewellery and pottery."
"honestly amelia, i think its a great idea. you might also get some more room in this house. youre not leaving your job though?"
"god no. my parents were right. steady income. but extra cash wouldnt go too far amiss would it?"
i laughed. it sounded weird, it even felt weird in my throat as it gurgled its way out.
"ill help in anyway you want me to. ive got all summer."
"thats reminds me." she put her arm on my shoulder and walked with me to the couch. we sat down, and i knew what was coming. "what are you doing kat? i know you were going to go to college, but is that what you want still? do you think you can do it?"
truth is i hadnt really thought about it. i knew my parents were willing to pay for every little fee for college, even willing to pay to get me into a good one. i still hadnt decided. i had gotten into a few of the ones i had applied to.
"i dont know. ive sort of been thinking about the money i have. and travelling."
"wow. thats a big step for you kat." by that she meant doing something without jack. no doubt she thought i wouldnt go to college without him. i didnt blame her- i had never done anything without jack there making me do it.

truth was, i hadnt actually considered the road trip until i saw jacks car in the driveway. it was a wreck, barely road worthy, but it ran on not a lot of gas, and amelia had her own, so it was mine. on my way home that day i had seen it, bright green and filthy, sitting in the drive, and the memories of me and jack sitting our test flooded back to me.


we were 15, and jack was so eager to drive it was unbearable. i tested him on all the questions, day and night, and through testing him, it turns out i knew them all too. when he went to get his licence, i went too of course, and decided i might as well have it. amelia agreed to teach us how to drive, a process that had taken longer for me than it had for jack. but we were both able to drive, though i never really enjoyed it as much as jack.

not that i knew where i would drive to, i just knew i wanted to go somewhere before the summer ended. it had only begun a short while ago, but the next two months stretched on ahead of me like eternity.


the rest of the afternoon, amelia and i played dress up with all her clothes, and ended up throwing a large pile away, sending them to goodwill where they could be used again, and folded all her wintry clothes away. she wouldnt need them for a good five months at least. all her summer clothes got sent upstairs again, leaving a lot more room in her bedroom.
we ate dinner (precooked fettucine) quietly that night, sitting at the kitchen counter with the tv on in the background. it seemed like we were finally out of our slump.

over the next week or so, amelia and i set to work on me getting ready for my road trip. we marked out places on the map where i would drive, stop along the way and fill up the tank. we bought things i might need- a tents and sleeping bag, a gas cooker, a first aid kit and a new cellphone. i drove everywhere, just to get used to it. i practised filling the tank. and i checked my bank balance. it was now up to seven thousand. i didnt even want to question how that had happened.

before i left, amelia stopped me. i knew she was holding back tears because her eyes were wide and trying not to blink.
"i want you to take someone with you. he would be so proud." and she handed me a painting of jack. it was only a small canvas, and just his head and shoulders, but he was wearing the grin i always saw him with and my heart broke again.
i nodded. i couldnt speak now as i was holding back tears too.
i reversed out of the driveway, and drove off down the road, watching amelia in my rearview mirror until i couldnt see her anymore.



AMELIA

kat was gone.
jack was gone.
max was gone.
i was alone in my house for a period of time longer than when kat and jack were coming home. it was as though i was a mother hen and all my little chickens had flown the coop.
of course it had to happen at some point. jack was always going to die, and ka wasnt always going to stay here. so i decided to make the most of it.
i didnt really have friends, except for the ladies at work. we all gossiped at work, but never saw each other outside of there. i decided, since kat was going to be away for a few days, that i would invite them all over for dinner. since the house was clean already.
i prowled through the kitchen looking for the cookbook my mother had gifted me when i settled into this house. it was fairly basic- aimed at teenagers who had moved out of home- but had some decent things in there. i figured i would need to practice before i served it to anyone. i found it, and looked carefully for a dish that was simple to make but very impressive.
i decided on a stirfry, because that couldnt possibly go wrong. i hoped.
i called five of the girls i worked with and four of them could make it. i was pleased, and very nervous.

i had never worried about cleaning in my life, but now i wanted my home to look nice for my friends. i wanted a casual dinner, but that didnt mean i didnt run around the house cleaning frantically for the next day or two. the downstairs bathroom gleamed, the lounge and the kitchen looked warm and inviting. my stirfry was coming along nicely. honey soy sauce and chicken with big fat noodles. i tried it and figured it tasted pretty good, so i portioned it and froze it for kat and i to eat another day. i bought several bottles of wine from the store, some red and some white, and some other drinks for those who didnt want wine. i even bought chocolate brownie slice for dessert, as the recipe book said if you warmed it up and served it with icecream and chocolate sauce, it looked posh without making any effort. i decided this was my best bet.
when saturday rolled around, i was a mess. i had everything i needed, but i had no idea what to wear. i called kat as soon as i figured she would be awake.
"kat?"
"hey amelia, im fine. sorry i havent called, i hope you werent worrying, i-"
"no time for that, what am i going to wear?"
"calm down. what are you going to wear for what? oh my god amelia you havent got a date have you?"
"me? ha. no, im having some of the girls from work over for dinner, and i have no clothes. what should i wear?"
"awwww youre so cute. ok, how formal is it?"
"casual."
"wait, youre cooking for these people?"
"yes."
"do they know your track record? have you warned them of the risks? how come you never cook for me?"
i laughed. "figured i would branch out. im making them stirfry. theres extra in the freezer. you can try it when you come home. clothes, kat, i need clothes."
"hmmmmm." and then she was muttering to herself. "what green do you have?"
i thought about it. "nothing really, unless you count paint splatters. why?"
"green goes nice with red hair. try that?"
ok. shopping. "thanks kat. have fun, be safe, love you."
"you too. dont poison anyone."

the shops on a saturday was terrifying. i scuttled from my car (parked a good walk from any shop) to the only store i ever shopped at. i ran inside and grabbed a shop assistant.
"i need a green something. please." she looked at me in shock, and i smiled so i didnt look half as crazy. then she straightened herself out and went into shop-girl mode.
"what is your size, if you dont mind my asking?"
i blushed and told her, as she started picking things off racks. they were all in a multitude of shades but all in green. some were tops and others were dresses.
after a good fifteen minutes, i decided on a bright green satin shirt with sleeves to my elbows, and a deep jade dress that cut down quite low, with an empire line skirt. i wasnt sure which i would wear, but i figured i could use both. i bought a black singlet for under it, and left in a hurry. the assistant seemed very happy with my purchase.
i sent kat pictures to her phone and waited for a reply.
wow amelia. go for the dress. you look lovely, have a good time. love, kat x
i took off the dress and went downstairs to prepare. it was only 11am, but i needed to do something. i cut the chicken into perfect pieces, then started on the vegetables. i was deciding whether to add another half a carrot when the phone rang.
i bustled to get it, wiping my hands on a towel on the way.
"amelia speaking."
"amelia dear, its claire here, i have some bad news, i can still make it, but would my son be able to come with me? im afraid hes had some trouble with his friends and i dont want to leave him at home on a saturday night. knowing him he would probably throw a party and hope i dont notice."
he was clearly in the room when she said this, i noted.
"sure thing claire, i was just about to go shopping. thanks for letting me know ahead of time. ill see you at seven tonight. bye for now"
i paused, and started chopping a lot more vegetables. i knew how much teenage boys could devour.



KAT

i lay on the bed in my hotel. it wasnt anything too flash, i didnt want to waste money on luxuries. i had read a lot at my many stops along the way, of jacks diary. i now knew without a doubt that he had truly loved me from the first moment we met. not that he hadnt told me before, but i could clearly remember the way he looked at me before i had any inkling of the way he felt. i was so oblivious. i couldnt imagine how frustrating it must have been for him to watch me trying to destroy myself. the fact he waited four years to tell me killed me. we could have done so much, we could have been together for so much longer, if he had just told me. but i would remember that for the majority of those four years i was in self desrtuct mode. i would have run if he had told me. i was convinced we were best friends and nothing more. how stupid i had been.
but it was over now. he was gone. this road trip was me saying goodbye to him. at every stop i had take a picture of me and the scenery around me. standing on the edge of a cliff, the view stretching out behind me, sitting on the bonnet of his car, singing in his car, in the hotel, jumping on the bed, the city, the scummy gas stations i had stopped at along the way.
i called amelia once or twice a day to let her know where i was and how i was. it was good to hear her voice, but at the same time it was good to be away on my own for a while.

i had visited all the colleges i had been accepted into.i had narrowed it down to two. one of them i could stay living with amelia, and the other i would have to move into the dorms there. i wasnt sure which i was going to do yet, so i made a mental note to talk to her about it when i got home.

like amelia, i had turned over a new leaf. i was mourning jack still, i was terribly sad and missed him every second of the day, but i changed a bit. i went shopping and bought clothes that fit me, rather than just jacks hoodies and baggy t-shirts. i bought fitting jeans (not too fitting of course) and cardigans and tank tops. i still got glares from shopkeepers if they saw my arms, and it still lit a fire in me, but i ignored it. to me they were the girls from high school who had tormented me all through high school. i could deal with that.
i bought colours too, which was a biggie. pale blue, electric blue, even yellow and green. one of the more helpful shop girls figured i hadnt done this before, and told me the colours i should wear more of. she even told me i looked lovely.


so when i returned home, i wasnt surprised amelia barely recognized me. i had had may hair cut a bit shorter, and trimmed my fringe a bit too. i wasnt wearing eyeliner, just a little bit of mascara someone had suggested i try. i was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue tank top with a white cardigan over it.
i hadnt told amelia i was coming home, but she had called me earlier that day so i knew she would be home.
what i hadnt expected was a teenage boy sitting on the couch with her when i walked in.


dark blue by jacks mannequin- yes or no?